We begin our roundup this week with the question on all our minds since it became known that the NNPC could not account for a huge, huge, sum of money, somewhere between “only” $10.8bn and $20bn: WHERE IS OUR MONEY?
We ask the bees, where is our honey
Comedians, where is our funny
For those at the top
Those few that we prop
We ask them #WhereIsOurMoney
Well, in what was seen as an attempt to force the hand of the federal government, finance minister and coordinating minister for the economy, Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, issued a statement calling for a forensic audit of the NNPC’s accounts. The statement was issued shortly after the CBN Governor, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, was fired under circumstances most watchers connect to him blowing the whistle on the NNPC billions.
Ngozi, she’s gone now and floored it
Tentatively, watchers applaud it
The money that’s lost
She said to her boss
Will be found in forensic audit
CNN sacked Piers Morgan. Though it was probably because of his show’s dismal ratings, many say it was because of his crusade against the National Rifle Association and its reverence for the Second Amendment to the American Constitution, even in the face of frequent massacres. He’ll be fine, though, that Piers.
There once was a journo named Piers
A Brit in the States for 3 yrs
For verbal affray
With the NRA
He’s off now to find new frontiers
Speaking of massacres, there has been absolutely no let up in North-Eastern Nigeria. Not to try to attribute varying weights to what have all been hugely tragic events, but the killing of about 40 students in their school was particularly horrendous. The raw wound of the national psyche was further opened when the federal government insisted on going ahead with its controversial centenary jamboree only a day or two afterwards.
100yrs been in the making
Did ripening but never did taking
And in our fresh grief
Will proceed with the celebrating
When Barry was faced with the loss
Of 20 kids & the school’s boss
He broke down and cried
Well here 40 died
And Johnny does not give a toss
The irony of commemorating the centenary only a few weeks before the national conference was not lost to some. Here, a tweet from OAP Temisan Okomi:
For patchwork ten decades ago
Our government has put on a show
But in a few weeks
Our conference seeks
To answer: to stay or to go?
Whenever the Nigerian oil cabal is taken on, it fights back. A scarcity followed the initial investigation into fuel subsidies a few years ago, a scarcity has now followed allegations of $20billion being unaccounted for. The joke is now in circulation, where Nigerians apologise to the cabal and tell them they can keep the $20billion as long as they released petrol supplies again.
We’d best leave the oil thieves alone
For each time their cover is blown
A shortage arises
A scarcity crisis
To punish for loot now forgone
Whenever we spotlight the murk
The system soon goes full berserk
Will we stay the course
Or show our remorse
And simply now all face our work?
In South Africa, the trial of “blade runner” Oscar Pistorius for the murder of his girlfriend has commenced. Guilty or not guilty? We’ll soon find out.
Post-Oscars, there’s Oscar Pistorius
On trial, for murder inglorious
He shot in the dark
Extinguished her spark
His defence, it’s felt, might be spurious
The President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria has advised Governors that it is in their interest and the interest of their states to seek cordial relations with him. He said, “A number of politicians feel that the best thing to do is to be abusing Mr. President, abusing the Federal Government and so on. You are elected to develop your state, I think the best thing is to have good relationship with the centre, whether you have a pin or you don’t have but one day it will come. Wearing boxing gloves, jumping into the boxing ring to face Mr. President does not help the development of any state.”
A warning today from the Rock
To guv’nors whose tongues run amok
If you want progress
Then try some finesse
And stop criticising Goodluck
Finally, we end with an event still causing ripples on the interwebs. In Nigeria, we once had a greatly feared dictator, Sani Abacha. He died in office under circumstances that have never been officially explained. The government of Goodluck Jonathan decided to grant him a posthumous award, along with other past heads of state for being “Outstanding promoters of unity, patriotism and national development.” Fear not, Lord Luggard, Flora Shaw and Queen Elizabeth were also given awards.
The families of Gani Fawehinmi and MKO Abiola rejected the purported centenary awards to their progenitors. Nobel laureate, Wole Soyinka, rejected his award as well, because, he said, he could not share an award with the late Abacha, who was a “murderer and thief of no redeeming quality”.
Phew! Long intro! The now long-awaited limerick follows -
Rejecting co-gong with dictator
The Laureate, longtime provocator
Was richly chastised
By sonly reprise
Though son was a pampered spectator