Lovengers: The Age of Gambrach

In the beginning there was chill. And the chill was with chill. And the chill was chill. Chill was with chill in the beginning and nothing was chilled except by through the chill of chill.

And chill was lost to the people of Social Mediana and Twillistia for many moons. This was in the time of the quadrannium and a quarter of King Gejoshaphat. He was said to be good-hearted king but too much given to simpleness. Such was the simpleness, it was said, that he was robbed of all his clues. And he was said not to have been a great king, because of this theft and deprivement of clues.

King Gejoshaphat contended against Gambrach of Gunn in Electoralis Federalis and was defeated. Such was the defeat of Gejoshaphat however, that he surrendered just before the battle ended. Wherefore it was said of him far and wide, and beyond the 37 kingdoms that he had set a worthy precedent. Wherefore, with Osinoshin as his Hand, Gambrach ascended to the throne of the 37 kingdoms.

And there was chill. The chill that passeth all understanding; the chill of chills which was chilled by chill. And yea, did it last…all of ten days. And lo, this decadintum of chill came to be know as the decadintum of the lovengers.

The lovengers were the lovers of Gambrach. Lo, was nothing said, unsaid, de-said or not said by Gambrach which did not find the love of the lovengers. As Gambrach standeth, said they of him, “Oh, he is by far the greatest King at standing ever!”. As Gambrach smileth even did they say, “Oh, such a royal smile Twillistia has never seen!!” And yea, even whenst the King shitteth, did the lovengers inhale and exclaim, “Behold the fragrantest shit which thou ever smellest! Truly, we are now possessed of King! Rejoice for the reign of Gejoshaphat is past!” And lo, did it continue in the decadintum, ad nauseam.

Now, a week after Gambrach ascended the throne, the time came for the senatus to select its Warden. In that day, rose a man of ambivalent origin, Abushola, a former King of Kwarapotamia, and he set his heart upon the Wardenship of the senatus.

This displeased Shiwajun, Head Meister of the house of Apicuria, himself also a former King, in Gidipolia. Shiwajun favoured Lar-Wan of Yobia. And when Gambrach was prevailed upon to anoint either Abushola or Lar-Wan, yea did he unlook; and lo, did the lovengers proclaim it the greatest, most unlookingest unlooking that there ever was.

And lo, did the Elders of Apicuria attempt to bring only one contender and didst request a conclave. The conclave of Apicuria was a procedure unknown to the laws of the senatus but the senatii in support of Shiwajun and Lar-Wan cast their votes. And whenst the white smoke from the chapel cleared, Lar-Wan was named candidatum consentium.

Yea, didst Abushola kanyeshruggeth the conclave and advanced to the senatus. And on the morning the senatii were to chose their warden, lo, were the senatii of Shiwajun and Lar-wan nowhere to be found. Their disappearance, a great mystery, some said was because Gambrach summoned them for reasons unknown (which the lovengers surely must have proclaimed the best summonses in all the quadrannia of the kings), others that their sundials had been mysteriously set 2 hours backwards.

“All hail Abushola, Warden of the senatus, defender of the legislatum, proclaimer of the law!” the voices cried out, as Abushola swore the sacred oath of his office.

Far away from the scene, a valet delivered the news to Shiwajun. Expecting Shiwajun to break forth into rage, the valet was taken aback.

“Thou vexeth not, my Lord”, he said, “art thou not filled with anger?”

Shiwajun smiled, responding calmly, “Wahala Morghulis.”

Buhari Presidency: What Lawyers Expect

I was asked to do this piece as part of  a series for The piece was first published on their website, here.


I did not support General Buhari’s candidacy for the 2015 elections and I am therefore wary of adding my voice to the growing list of people setting an agenda for him. However, as someone recently pointed out, he’s going to have a difficult enough time merely living up to his campaign promises without the input of this new self-appointed council of state, so I suppose this piece cannot do too much [further] harm.

The original topic I was asked to discuss was the Judiciary’s expectations of the incoming president. As I am not a judge however, I asked for latitude to discuss what I think will be the expectations of the legal profession as a whole.

Judicial Reform

There is no better person in the world to be Vice President, when it comes to the issue of judicial reforms, than Professor Yemi Osinbajo. He is the reason why the Nigerian Law School had to develop additional course material on civil procedure. During his time as Attorney-General of Lagos State, he oversaw the introduction of revised rules of court that sought to make the process of litigation a much smoother and more efficient affair. Many states have since amended their rules of civil procedure to conform more to those in Lagos State.

Unfortunately, however, even though Lagos continues to lead the country in judicial process innovation, trial times still average 2-4 years for hearing relatively uncomplicated matters. Many people do not mind being taken to court because they know immediately that the pressure to take remedial/corrective action has been lifted for a while. Many people, on the other hand, also resort to self-help because they do not have the luxury of 2 years to waste on a decision which they can’t even reasonably predict. I have previously discussed judicial reform here.

Of course, this is a matter on the Concurrent Legislative List, meaning that the Federal Government cannot dictate how States run state courts. However, the Buhari-Osinbajo regime would do well to pioneer the reform process at the Federal Courts. If they are successful, it is only a matte of time before the states follow suit. Faith must be restored in the judiciary as the last hope of the common man. There should be relative predictability of durations and outcomes. The judiciary staff, especially the support staff should become more professional and less demanding of “facilitation” to give dates or progress files.

Regulatory Certainty/Stability

This is probably the great desire of my constituency of commercial law advisers and practitioners. As it stands today, you would be hard-pressed to find legal advice with absolute certainty on all applicable taxes applicable to a business. Most advisors will only give an approximation because we have 3 tiers of tax, which get murkier as you descend down the federal ladder. Some of the taxes overlap and although successive governments have promised to address the matter, very little progress (some would even say effort) has been made.

If you add into the mix the growing number of chartered professional institutes and professional regulatory bodies all jostling for relevance and adding further barriers and hurdles to the business process, the picture becomes even cloudier.

Uncertainty is a disincentive to business and investment. It hinders proper planning and leaves avenues for businesses to be exploited by unscrupulous government officials. Of all the talk and bandying about about of the much clichéd “creating an enabling environment” for businesses, putting entrepreneurs in the position to resist the imposition of random and stealth levies ranks nearly as high, in my estimation, as ensuring stable electricity. Let everyone know what their obligation to society is and be free thereafter to pursue their interests.

There is also the uncertainty that comes about in legislating via directives. Heads of government agencies, very many times on whims, change policy or business requirements with a mere letter or an interview in the newspapers. Thankfully, a few directives have successfully been challenged (eg FRSC directive on new license plates) but a system where wide-reaching policy shifts or legal requirements don’t go through the rigorous process of law-making or being issued as gazetted regulations must be discouraged.

Rule of Law

This should not be too hard for the ex-General as his greatest asset is his reputation for abhorring corruption and corrupt practices. I would approach upholding the rule of law from 2 sides. The first, more obvious side, is that which compels government and its agencies to respect the law and be subject to due process at all times. The less popular, and less expounded side, is that which insists that there must be consequences for wrongdoing, no matter how highly placed the wrongdoer is.

Conversely, agents of government must also act within the limits of their powers. Wearing a uniform and brandishing a firearm should not become a license for trampling on the rights of citizens. Policemen should no longer be available as intimidators-for-hire to settle civil disputes (which, when you think about it, would no longer be necessary if the courts granted timely/speedy justice).

This point also extends to our orientation as a people. While it would be totally unacceptable for the country to go back to the floggings of when the General was last at the helm of affairs, we do need to be “whipped” into shape. The “Do You Know Who I Am” syndrome had to die an urgent death. People must learn to wait their turn, be orderly and show consideration for the next person. So whether it’s in the conduct of one’s business or simply driving from Point A to B, upholding the rule of law on the part of both the government and the citizenry, means everyone understands the legal and social consequences of all their actions.

The public office side probably should be higher on the priority list, however. And if they can reform the judiciary and speed up the dispensation of justice, it should no longer take 2-3 years to determine if a public official pilfered or not. There should also be no interference from the Federal Government with the various law enforcement agencies, as long as those ones also act in good faith within the scope of their enabling laws. They should be free to investigate and prosecute without let or hindrance.

To conclude, there are probably a few more areas that the profession would like to see the impact of the incoming government. However, it is my belief that achieving even one of these items would be transformational for the entire country. Achieving all three would be nothing short of earth shattering. If the government can ensure that the system works more efficiently, is fairer to those on the lower rungs of the societal ladder, and metes out commensurate punishments for crimes (no more N300,000 fines for N50bn thefts), then I am quite confident that the government will earn a veritable commendation from the legal profession.

SACKISM IS NEXT TO LAGOONISM – Philosophies of the 2015 Elections


These have been the most interesting times for Nigeria. Campaigns were had, tents were pitched, votes were cast and a winner was declared. The heavens were supposed to have fallen but they didn’t. It seems the world’s pillars are foundationed in Nigeria as, in spite of the world’s very best predictions of our imminent collapse, we still seem to be holding up half of the African sky.

This season witnessed the birth of new political philosophies in our country. There was Jonathanism and Buharism and fencism, fencists roundly being declared to be closet members of one side of the divide or the other. Interestingly, however, we have seen subsets of Jonathanism and Buharism evolve into unprecedented schools of political thought that would make even the member of the ancient Agora jealous. Jonathism has given way to sackism and a small faction of the Buharist school of thought propounded the theory of lagoonism. So stand back, Plato. Stand back Hobbes and Montesquieu. Stand back, Louis van Gaal. The age of new philosophy is here.

What is sackism? Sackism is the Jonathanian belief that after the fatal loss of an election, order can only be restored to society by sacking every gaddem thing and person in sight. You see a sitting head of the ports authority, feeling pretty and secure in their position, you sack them. You see the head of the police authority revelling in his unprecedented gall to ignore his mobile phones in spite of his commander-in-chief’s telephone calls, you sack his gaddem ass. In fact, one of the strongest tennets of sackism is, if you were not already on your way out after fatally losing an election, you might as well sack your gaddem self. Order must be restored, no matter the obstacles.

What is the ultimate aim of sackism, however? What do sackists ultimately believe? Is there a special heaven for sackists? Do they believe in the ultimate redemption of the sackist’s body, through imperious sackism in the last hours in office? This is not yet known. But Patience is a rite of passage for sackists. Not just patience but fakanistic patience, the sort of which a sackist must have endured prior to his fatal electoral loss. There is yet no agreement on how fakanistic the endurance of patience must be for a sackist to find true redemption but this is still a new, emerging and evolving philosophy. Not unlike lagoonism.

Lagoonism is a theory propounded by the house of kings, espousing a belief in the fatal submersion of all intransigent non-indigenes who resist the call to conformity. The pillar of this belief is that the philosophy of a king is rooted in the infallibility of the poseidonic progenity of Percy Jackson. Lagoonism is akin to baptism but only as far as it relates to submersion. Lagoonists do not believe in the emergence of the submerged body in a cleansed form or state of elevated sanctification. Lagoonism believes that the submerged body of the non-indigene must perish, travel to hades and hope to be reincarnated in the kingdom of the kings as an indigene, to find redemption.

So far, the High Priest of the Lagoon remains the philosophy’s only real proponent but the philosophy has grown a few legs and traversed the length and breadth of the country. Many have visited the temple of Lagoonism and sought in vain to propagate its gospel but their faith was insufficient to surmount the shame there. A quick note must also be made denouncing the purported and oft-pointed out similarity between Lagoonism and Coffinism, largely because philosophical thought must be expressed by known persons in order for credence to be lent to the emergence of the articulated thought as philosophy indeed.

Thankfully, these philosophies are yet to go mainstream and the believers in one are generally not far in proximity to believers in the other. The age of enlightenment is upon us and we salute the espousers of these gaddem newnesses of thought. Commit yourself to deep thinking, that ye might find, ultimately, enlightenment.

DSTV and Ex Parte Injunctions


The recent ex parte injunction against Multichoice (owners of the DSTV brand and service) is an interesting one. While litigation is not my forte, I think the issue at this stage is one of basic procedure but, of course, I welcome any corrections from my more experienced colleagues.

To put the lawsuit in context, Multichoice, a cable TV broadcaster, has been sued in a class action for increasing its subscription fees in Nigeria. The plaintiffs commenced their action by filing an ex parte motion asking the court to order Multichoice to keep its fees at the pre-hike levels, pending the determination of the lawsuit. An ex parte application/motion is one made to the court by a party in the absence of the party against whom it is sought to be enforced.

Personally, I was surprised to hear that the ex parte motion was granted and here’s why. The relevant rule of court procedure says as follows –

“A motion ex parte shall be supported by affidavit which shall, in addition to the requirements of rule 3 of this Order, state sufficient grounds why delay in granting the order sought would entail irreparable damage or serious mischief to the party moving.” (Emphasis supplied.)

The default position of the law is that the party you’re seeking an order against should be given notice of the motion, as well as the opportunity to present arguments against your motion at the time you’re moving it. However, the law recognises that in some instances, irreparable damage may be done if the normal process is followed and therefore provides for the ex parte process, in what should really be emergency situations e.g. a house may be demolished, or a life is in danger of being lost, or the asset in dispute (a vessel, machinery, etc) may be moved out of the court’s jurisdiction. To my mind, really serious stuff.

Now, while the party against whom an ex parte order has been granted can apply to the court within 7 days to amend or cancel the order, it would be interesting to know the circumstances cited by the Plaintiffs to justify an emergency freeze on the DSTV subscription rates. The company is a private company, delivering a luxury, non-essential service, with different product offerings to cater to different budgets, and customers have the ultimate option of not renewing their subscriptions to prevent the “irreparable damage” to their wallets and bank accounts. There are also alternative services available, ranging from free-to-air terrestrial channels to web-based providers and other cable services as well. It simply seems a very un-urgent matter to me.

I look forward to the final outcome of the suit and ultimately to a time when a Competition/Anti-Trust Commission is established to look into allegations of monopolistic practices and abuses broadly.

Thinking Out Loud – The Johnny E. Goode Cover

*Press Play and Sing Along*

When you don’t take my calls like you used to before

And you frown when I make your phone ring

When I see that picture of you at that house

Causing laughter on mobile screens

Well Dezzie I’m still loving you though I’m exiting

And Dezzie you know how much I miss, ooh, your company

And I’m thinking ‘bout how people rise to pow’r in mysterious ways

Maybe just the fail of a gland

When the tables turn, at the end of the day

I still want to hold your hand

So honey now

Don’t believe all the news of harm

Come take refuge inside of my golden chute

Place your head on my beating heart

I’m thinking out loud, baby

We had love, now here we are

The Chronicles of Chill: The Kingdom of Chill


Electoralis Federalis came and lo did the people in the land put thumb to ballot to choose the King (or Queen) of the 37 Kingdoms. Yea, were there many contenders but the battle rested between incumbent King Gejoshaphat and King from times and quadrannia past, Gambrach. Key to electoralis was Jegatrix, of parts yet unknown, the Head Umpire. Also key, were the respective Hands chosen by Gejoshaphat and Gambrach, namely Osinoshin (for Gambrach) and Sombre (for Gejoshaphat).


Electoralis had been charged with high drama. They looked for the Scroll de Minimis of Gambrach, they sought the Postularis Maximus of Gejoshaphat; but most of all, they sought chill. Electoralis Federalis had unleashed an Armageddon of unchill across all of Social Mediana and Twillistia.


After ink had been put to thumb and used to seal ballots across the land, Jegatrix summoned all from far and wide to witness the proclamation of the King of the 37 Kingdoms for the next quartrannium. One following the other, each kingdoms umpire brought forth his papyrus of proclamation to report to Jegatrix how each kingdom had elected. And all who witnessed it declared that it was good.


From Ekitilopia, to Ondonia, to Gidiopolis; from Imossotamia to Onyenkuzistan did male and female, old and young emerge from house and under umblerra to make their votes known. And they watched the grand presentation of Jegatrix and they saw that it was good.


But in that hour arose one man, DeoVolenti, a Padipalian from the kingdom of Rivisinia, risible and enraged. And yes though the subject of his enragement befuddled onlookers, he was not deterred. DeoVolenti seized the voice magnifier and with a loud voice called unto Jegatrix.


“Jegatrix!! Thou art much biased a head umpire! Unfairness is thy middle name! See thou this papyrus in my hand? Look! Tis evidence of your machinations!”


The eyes of world turned to Jegatrix, to hear his response to DeoVolenti. And they wondered if a graven image had been placed in the seat of Jegatrix in his place, for no muscle on his body moved and neither did a thread of his robes ripple. Yet did DeoVolenti remain steadfast.


“Jegatrix!! Thou man of ethnic leaning and unjust manifestations! Canst thou not hear me? Thou knave of Gambrach-leaning dross! Behold again this papyrus which I wave in anger so righteous! Take ye heed – if thou wouldst not do unto the Baucheeans as thou didst to unto the Rivisinians, then shall I not depart this place. And yea, will we Padipalians will lay siege to this proclamation arena.”


And lo, did DeoVolenti sit in the middle of the proclamation arena, yielding no quarter even to the centurions that sought to relieve him, and the proclamation arena, of the temporary malady.


Yet did Jegatrix not flinch. Not a sinew twitched on his entire body. No ripple ran across the fabric of his copious robes.


And the people of Social Mediana beheld it and asked themselves, “What manner of man is DeoVolenti? Is his title not ‘elder’?” A disciple of DeoVolenti volunteered the reply, saying, “Know ye not, that he merely doeth his work?”


To which a Twilistine replied with promptness, “This fulfilleth an ancient prophecy. Hear Ye again the Tword, as it is written in the sacred book of Lateefus Kayodexicus, ‘What kind of job he doing? He’s not the only dat dey there!” And yea, did the people nod in unison.


And yet still, had Jegatrix not moved. And the people of Social Mediana beheld it and asked themselves, “What manner of man is Jegatrix? The vituperations of DeoVolenti move him not. He flincheth or speaketh not.”


Finally, Jegatrix moved and reached for the voice magnifier. With placid mien, he spake unto DeoVolenti. “Oh, DeoVolenti, of the house of Padipalia, in the sub-kingdom of Rivisinia! Thou speaketh the words of a commoner. Thou shewest not the nobility of your station, as a courtesan of King Gejoshaphat. Careful that the word thou spillest, condemneth not thee.”


Presently, DeoVolenti departed from the proclamation arena. And, in a season of turbulent, meteorologically phantasmagorical unchill, chill descended upon the land. Yea, did the Social Medianites and Digital Perusites behold it and ask themselves in disbelief, “WHAT MANNER OF MAN IS JEGATRIX!?!? Is he a freakin’ stealer of chill, for unchill hath long pervaded our land.”


And then the Tword came to the Chronicler, “Jegatrix is neither of this land nor time. If thou seekest his origins, thou wouldst go to the land of Arendelle and mention the name of his ancestor Queen Elsa, who starreth as main actress in Frozen, a disneycal story of the most epic chill. Jegatrix is spawn of Elsa and Guardian Jack Frost. Listen, son of man, chronicler of chill, and say to the people of Social Mediana and Digital Perusia, Jegatrix stealeth not their chill; get thou it not twisted.  JEGATRIX. IS. CHILL.”

Stream of Consciousness: In His Mind

Haaaaaayyyy Gooddddd o! Look at this big mess. They gave me phone, I hear ‘yalla-yalla’, I greet the person ‘Sallam Allaykum’; 3 days pass, dem come say no be King I been follow yarn. He come dey tell the whole world say him Papa na unethical person, cos no be me e dey follow talk. What a mess.

And all for what? That I am trying to con Muslims? What sort of accusation is this? If you want a horse to run fast, will you not chook it pin in de yansh? If you want to deceive a small child is it an unknown relative you will bring? This is why I always say that there are too many subversive elements around me. The people around us are too key for us to be flippant with.

And this woman warned me when they brought the phone o, but she was shouting at the time, so I didn’t take her seriously.

So now, they will say a whole me, with all those letters after my name, that I am a liar. Chai. DiarizGodo. Meanwhile, dem don talk seven, we never talk one back. It’s like my father used to say – a snake that has chop bellefull cannot run fast. Instead of them to run fast and identify detractors, they are talking homosexual something. They are chopping too belle full, all these ones. Look at them.

Their way is even confusing to me sef. It’s like when we were children playing football and you have that one friend that just used to kick ball anywhere belle face. Today, they tell me I should let them say his way is too sharia, I gree. Tomorrow they say let us say he signed homosexual agreement, I gree. To now join the line between sharia and homosexuality, no be flogging and stoning one dey do the other? At least that’s what this Sheikh told me when we were drinking that fine brandy in Qatar last month. Chai! That was fine, fine, cognac. I should phone him and ask for the name but I don’t know who they will tell me that I’m talking to again now, come dey talk irresponsible for den Papa and Mama head.

And this yeye guy, instead of him to sort our all this nonsense, he’s writing me letter. That what? Anyway, he kuku knows, even if the world sees that letter, I don’t give a damn. He just needs to do just have the common decency to do his job and put his initials there, let all the world know it’s truly him.

Anyway, so what will I do about this King matter now? E be like say na real vex e don vex o, as he has called his guy to come back. But you know, these things, hotting head that cannot boil water, as my madam will say. E for jus call me come corner say make I come see am. Afterall, I get over 10 transportation option. I for don dey hin side, ask am weda dat same Qatar brand dey and we quickly solve this problem. You know, even if a man has a half-caste stepbrother, blood is still thicker than water. Maybe it’s just small vexing and not really anger, ha. Anger is different from common vexing. It’s just that some people don’t know.

Hmm, or does Ali have his number? Ali my good friend. I think somebody said his PA said he won’t have my time again until April 1 now. Whether he wants to play me April Fool or something.

This woman is shouting my name again. Let me go and see what she wants…

The Final Chronicle of Chill: The Scroll de Minimis

It came to pass, in the year of electora federalis, that Jegatrix the Head Umpire revealed the names of they who would contend for the crown of the 37 kingdoms. At that time, all in the land knew Gejoshaphat wanted to retain the crown, and that Gambrach – the severe man of Gunn – wished to regain it. Jegatrix announced 10 other men who desired the crown and lo, was there even a female contender, Lady Rémy of French Kowagitania. But the people were fixed on Gejoshaphat and Gambrach.


And in that day, about the severity of the severe man of Gunn was there great grumbling, for it was proclaimed that he only permitted a smile to crack his lips when there was a military drill to be planned. Gambrach’s heart was troubled and burdened by this, for in his heart he felt he was not a severe man at all. Whilst he slept, an angel appeared to him saying, “Gambrach, man of discipline and severity, we have seen your anguish over who the people say you are and now bring this message to you from on high. Unleash the engraving of your daughter unto the Twillistines and you shall be Zahrafied.”


Thus did the Zahrafication of Gambrach take place, for all were swayed by the beauty of the daughter of Gambrach and the lack of severity in her apparel. And from that day, was Gambrach no longer known as severe. All hail the Zahrafication, because in a season of great unchill, it brought peace and tranquillity to the waters of Twilistia and Social Mediana.


But all was still not well with Gambrach, for though Jegatrix had pronounced him a contender for the electora federalis, the house of Padipalia, from which Gejoshaphat hailed, brought a supplication unto the people. They levelled accusation against Gambrach, declaring him not to be possessed of Scroll de Minimis of Learning.


The Scroll de Minimis, generally attained by children of learning at the end of educatio basicus, had been declared by the supreme law of the land to be tendered by any contender for the crown of the 37 kingdoms. However, the law didst also give Jegatrix, Head Umpire, such discretion as to determine if a candidate had an equivalent to the Scroll de Minimis. Padipalia was displeasured by the certification of Gambrach by Jegatrix.


“Hear ye, this day”, they cried, “and know ye by these presents, that Gambrach cannot contend at electora federalis; for he is not possessed of the Scroll de Minimis!”


“He cannot contend! He must be disqualified!” came the cries from some quarters of Social Mediana. Others replied “Even if Gambrach presented a Scroll of Masonry from a bricklayer, yea, would I still stand with him.”


Of course, there again began unchill.


“Peace, be still!” cried Gambrach. “Know ye not that I have once worn the Crown of the 37 kingdoms?”


“Like the Kingdom of God that suffereth violence, thou takest the Crown by force, at the time”, sounded the reply. “We shall not reckon with it.”


“Then take ye heed”, said Gambrach, “that my Scroll de Minimis resides at the Records Palace of the men of Gunn.”


“Dost thou not possess a copy? Shew it to all, that this matter may be put to rest.”


“But consider that I could not have been a senior man of Gunn without the Scroll de Minimis.”


“It should therefore not trouble you to shew it, shouldst it?”


“But I have contended for the crown for 3 quadrannia now. Surely this means, I am possessed of the Scroll de Minimis??!!??”


“We wouldst no longer doubt, if thou wert to shew us a copy.”



And the unchill rumbled between the 2 houses and all their followers in Twilistia and the ends of the earth.


Finally, the scribe of the men of Gunn, cam forth with a proclamation, saying thus-


“Gambrach is one of us, distinguished and revered by all men of Gunn, past, present and future. We wouldst not descend into the arena of controversy with thee. Thee of various places, who have come here to seek his Scroll de Minimis, now take ye heed and know this: There is no record of his Scroll here at our Records Palace. Yea, indeed, is there a parchment from the head tutor at his educatio basicus, and evidence of grades awarded in subjects towards the Scroll, but of the Scroll de Minimis itself, we cannot remove obscurity any further.”


And the Pharisees of the land raged on either side of the divide, with they of the fence ducking to avoid the missiles and invectives being deployed. As it was stated in the book of prophecy, “in that day will learned brother turn against learned brother and the unlearned amongst themselves; and yea, will only the wise seize upon the unchill to set some P.

Unchill returneth for good.


Here endeth the Chronicles, for the tword cometh upon the chronicler, instructing him of another quest. Ye shall read from him again, but lo, the spirit departs from Twilistia to a land of chill and rest.

The JUSUN Strike: 7 Things (Guest Post by Damola Layonu, @snagapus)

On 2nd January 2015, the Judiciary Staff Union of Nigeria (JUSUN) called an indefinite nationwide strike of all judiciary staff, the last resort in a bid to compel the Federal Government to comply with the Court’s decision in Suit No. FHC/ABJ/CS/66/2013; JUSUN vs. National Judicial Council, ordering that funds accruing to the judiciary from the Federal Account be henceforth paid directly to the heads of courts of the 36 states of the Federation and the Federal Capital Territory. Below are 7 likely fallouts of this –

  1. “Wrong place at the wrong time abi? Na so.” *yinmu*


Justice delayed is justice denied, and no mistake! Whether your doppelganger (look-alike) stole bread in the market, or you had a sordid affair with the local Inspector’s wife, if you’re in jail waiting to post bail, think again. The nightmare is just beginning. Get comfortable…or…UN-comfortable as the case may be. You may be staying a while.


  1. Waiting for trial? You’re on a LOOOOOONG thing”


For two straight days, John Bull and Dauda, the two ‘presidos’ of your cell have made your stay…interesting. There are rats, there are mosquitoes, and you are faced with the shocking realisation that hypothermia is possible in this hot country! You actually have an excellent lawyer, one who might be able to get you off the hook…IF he could just get you a trial date. DARN! The ingenious defence your lawyer has somehow managed to conjure won’t see the light of day for quite some time. Please refer to No.1 above.


  1. “Default Penalties: To pay, or not to pay?”


At court, every move a lawyer makes – when to file, when to respond, when to serve – is timed. If he exceeds the stipulated time, he just applies for an extension, right? WRONG! What happens if time runs out during the strike? Does he still apply for an extension of time? If so, what reasons does he give? Whose inadvertence (mistake) should the court excuse? Does he pay penalties? If he decides (rightly so, in my opinion) not to, can the Registry lawfully reject his filing? If the Registry refuses, what’s his next move? So many questions! Arrggghhhh!!!! *pulls out hair*


  1. “I just got back…for good”


You escaped the shores of our blessed country, and have settled somewhere on the Continent, in the Carribean, the Orient or maybe further away than that. One day, you receive a subpoena, summoning you home to give crucial evidence in a case for/against your brother/mother/godmother/company/uncle’s sister/doctor/babalawo etc. and here you are, prepped and ready to destroy the opposition’s case. What now? Just pop back home for a bit? I think not. The strike could end at any time and your absence from court might just put the case in jeopardy, or worse, be deemed contempt, putting you at risk of jail-time the minute you return.


  1. “Adjourned to the 29th of Never”


Any Nigerian lawyer worth his salt knows that the Court Registries have backlogs – files awaiting re-assignment, rulings that have not been delivered (or written, for that matter, in some cases), and last but not least, suits awaiting adjournment. What is another likely impact of the strike? That’s’ right – MORE files awaiting re-assignment, rulings that have not been delivered/written and suits awaiting adjournment. Good luck with that, guys!


  1. “Professional fees, but UN-professional expenses?”


Most firms take an initial deposit on account and then settle the balance upon conclusion of a lawsuit. Expenses, however, accumulate during the course of the suit, and may be calculated based on a number of factors including lawyers’ attendance at court. So the question is – Should lawyers still claim their expenses for court attendance even though they KNOW the courts aren’t sitting?


  1. “Winner takes (and keeps) all”


It’s election season again, or for some lawyers, early Christmas. Every election seems to breed more disgruntled politicians, claiming they won the primaries within their respective parties. Lawyers rub their hands in glee, knowing fully well that the egoes of those passed over will inevitably kick in, the court battles will begin, and the money will follow. Well, sorry lawyers, no Christmas for you this term. And as for the petitioners, we are equally sorry. For if you lost the primaries, you lost FOR REAL. No take-backsies!


Now, while I acknowledge that this industrial action may bode serious and detrimental implications and effects, I think looking on the lighter side of things helps. So here’s hoping the strike ends soon and that you at least got a giggle out of this.

Panic in Haramistan as Boko Haram now Deadlier than Ebola

Newsweek highlights in this report that Boko Haram has killed more people than Ebola. Boko Haram is deadlier than Ebola. And you know, these things are especially true when reported in foreign publications.


As a result of this news, the government of Haramistan, formerly part of North-Eastern has announced the following measures to combat the scourge.


  1. Hand-Sanitisers are to be installed in all POW and concentration camps in the bushes and forests.
  2. Prisoners, orphans and amputees cannot exchange handshakes after prayers. Good sanitation and personal hygiene must be maintained at all times.
  3. All schools are closed until the WHO pronounces the region free of Boko Haram. This can only happen 40 days after the last person killed by Boko Haram has died, so parents whose children have not yet been killed or kidnapped should find ways to occupy their children at home.
  4. A containment centre for all persons afflicted by Boko Haram has been set up. Haramistani death workers will embark on a house-to-house patrol in their hazardous equipment suits to bring the scourge to a halt.
  5. Infrared thermometers will be deployed at the Haramistani airport and all other transportation routes into the territory, to ensure that Boko Haram does not enter via the ports.


The government of Haramistan is confident that these measures will bring Boko Haram under control and return killing supremacy to Ebola.