The Final Chronicle of Chill: The Scroll de Minimis

It came to pass, in the year of electora federalis, that Jegatrix the Head Umpire revealed the names of they who would contend for the crown of the 37 kingdoms. At that time, all in the land knew Gejoshaphat wanted to retain the crown, and that Gambrach – the severe man of Gunn – wished to regain it. Jegatrix announced 10 other men who desired the crown and lo, was there even a female contender, Lady Rémy of French Kowagitania. But the people were fixed on Gejoshaphat and Gambrach.

 

And in that day, about the severity of the severe man of Gunn was there great grumbling, for it was proclaimed that he only permitted a smile to crack his lips when there was a military drill to be planned. Gambrach’s heart was troubled and burdened by this, for in his heart he felt he was not a severe man at all. Whilst he slept, an angel appeared to him saying, “Gambrach, man of discipline and severity, we have seen your anguish over who the people say you are and now bring this message to you from on high. Unleash the engraving of your daughter unto the Twillistines and you shall be Zahrafied.”

 

Thus did the Zahrafication of Gambrach take place, for all were swayed by the beauty of the daughter of Gambrach and the lack of severity in her apparel. And from that day, was Gambrach no longer known as severe. All hail the Zahrafication, because in a season of great unchill, it brought peace and tranquillity to the waters of Twilistia and Social Mediana.

 

But all was still not well with Gambrach, for though Jegatrix had pronounced him a contender for the electora federalis, the house of Padipalia, from which Gejoshaphat hailed, brought a supplication unto the people. They levelled accusation against Gambrach, declaring him not to be possessed of Scroll de Minimis of Learning.

 

The Scroll de Minimis, generally attained by children of learning at the end of educatio basicus, had been declared by the supreme law of the land to be tendered by any contender for the crown of the 37 kingdoms. However, the law didst also give Jegatrix, Head Umpire, such discretion as to determine if a candidate had an equivalent to the Scroll de Minimis. Padipalia was displeasured by the certification of Gambrach by Jegatrix.

 

“Hear ye, this day”, they cried, “and know ye by these presents, that Gambrach cannot contend at electora federalis; for he is not possessed of the Scroll de Minimis!”

 

“He cannot contend! He must be disqualified!” came the cries from some quarters of Social Mediana. Others replied “Even if Gambrach presented a Scroll of Masonry from a bricklayer, yea, would I still stand with him.”

 

Of course, there again began unchill.

 

“Peace, be still!” cried Gambrach. “Know ye not that I have once worn the Crown of the 37 kingdoms?”

 

“Like the Kingdom of God that suffereth violence, thou takest the Crown by force, at the time”, sounded the reply. “We shall not reckon with it.”

 

“Then take ye heed”, said Gambrach, “that my Scroll de Minimis resides at the Records Palace of the men of Gunn.”

 

“Dost thou not possess a copy? Shew it to all, that this matter may be put to rest.”

 

“But consider that I could not have been a senior man of Gunn without the Scroll de Minimis.”

 

“It should therefore not trouble you to shew it, shouldst it?”

 

“But I have contended for the crown for 3 quadrannia now. Surely this means, I am possessed of the Scroll de Minimis??!!??”

 

“We wouldst no longer doubt, if thou wert to shew us a copy.”

 

 

And the unchill rumbled between the 2 houses and all their followers in Twilistia and the ends of the earth.

 

Finally, the scribe of the men of Gunn, cam forth with a proclamation, saying thus-

 

“Gambrach is one of us, distinguished and revered by all men of Gunn, past, present and future. We wouldst not descend into the arena of controversy with thee. Thee of various places, who have come here to seek his Scroll de Minimis, now take ye heed and know this: There is no record of his Scroll here at our Records Palace. Yea, indeed, is there a parchment from the head tutor at his educatio basicus, and evidence of grades awarded in subjects towards the Scroll, but of the Scroll de Minimis itself, we cannot remove obscurity any further.”

 

And the Pharisees of the land raged on either side of the divide, with they of the fence ducking to avoid the missiles and invectives being deployed. As it was stated in the book of prophecy, “in that day will learned brother turn against learned brother and the unlearned amongst themselves; and yea, will only the wise seize upon the unchill to set some P.

Unchill returneth for good.

 

Here endeth the Chronicles, for the tword cometh upon the chronicler, instructing him of another quest. Ye shall read from him again, but lo, the spirit departs from Twilistia to a land of chill and rest.

The JUSUN Strike: 7 Things (Guest Post by Damola Layonu, @snagapus)

On 2nd January 2015, the Judiciary Staff Union of Nigeria (JUSUN) called an indefinite nationwide strike of all judiciary staff, the last resort in a bid to compel the Federal Government to comply with the Court’s decision in Suit No. FHC/ABJ/CS/66/2013; JUSUN vs. National Judicial Council, ordering that funds accruing to the judiciary from the Federal Account be henceforth paid directly to the heads of courts of the 36 states of the Federation and the Federal Capital Territory. Below are 7 likely fallouts of this –

  1. “Wrong place at the wrong time abi? Na so.” *yinmu*

 

Justice delayed is justice denied, and no mistake! Whether your doppelganger (look-alike) stole bread in the market, or you had a sordid affair with the local Inspector’s wife, if you’re in jail waiting to post bail, think again. The nightmare is just beginning. Get comfortable…or…UN-comfortable as the case may be. You may be staying a while.

 

  1. Waiting for trial? You’re on a LOOOOOONG thing”

 

For two straight days, John Bull and Dauda, the two ‘presidos’ of your cell have made your stay…interesting. There are rats, there are mosquitoes, and you are faced with the shocking realisation that hypothermia is possible in this hot country! You actually have an excellent lawyer, one who might be able to get you off the hook…IF he could just get you a trial date. DARN! The ingenious defence your lawyer has somehow managed to conjure won’t see the light of day for quite some time. Please refer to No.1 above.

 

  1. “Default Penalties: To pay, or not to pay?”

 

At court, every move a lawyer makes – when to file, when to respond, when to serve – is timed. If he exceeds the stipulated time, he just applies for an extension, right? WRONG! What happens if time runs out during the strike? Does he still apply for an extension of time? If so, what reasons does he give? Whose inadvertence (mistake) should the court excuse? Does he pay penalties? If he decides (rightly so, in my opinion) not to, can the Registry lawfully reject his filing? If the Registry refuses, what’s his next move? So many questions! Arrggghhhh!!!! *pulls out hair*

 

  1. “I just got back…for good”

 

You escaped the shores of our blessed country, and have settled somewhere on the Continent, in the Carribean, the Orient or maybe further away than that. One day, you receive a subpoena, summoning you home to give crucial evidence in a case for/against your brother/mother/godmother/company/uncle’s sister/doctor/babalawo etc. and here you are, prepped and ready to destroy the opposition’s case. What now? Just pop back home for a bit? I think not. The strike could end at any time and your absence from court might just put the case in jeopardy, or worse, be deemed contempt, putting you at risk of jail-time the minute you return.

 

  1. “Adjourned to the 29th of Never”

 

Any Nigerian lawyer worth his salt knows that the Court Registries have backlogs – files awaiting re-assignment, rulings that have not been delivered (or written, for that matter, in some cases), and last but not least, suits awaiting adjournment. What is another likely impact of the strike? That’s’ right – MORE files awaiting re-assignment, rulings that have not been delivered/written and suits awaiting adjournment. Good luck with that, guys!

 

  1. “Professional fees, but UN-professional expenses?”

 

Most firms take an initial deposit on account and then settle the balance upon conclusion of a lawsuit. Expenses, however, accumulate during the course of the suit, and may be calculated based on a number of factors including lawyers’ attendance at court. So the question is – Should lawyers still claim their expenses for court attendance even though they KNOW the courts aren’t sitting?

 

  1. “Winner takes (and keeps) all”

 

It’s election season again, or for some lawyers, early Christmas. Every election seems to breed more disgruntled politicians, claiming they won the primaries within their respective parties. Lawyers rub their hands in glee, knowing fully well that the egoes of those passed over will inevitably kick in, the court battles will begin, and the money will follow. Well, sorry lawyers, no Christmas for you this term. And as for the petitioners, we are equally sorry. For if you lost the primaries, you lost FOR REAL. No take-backsies!

 

Now, while I acknowledge that this industrial action may bode serious and detrimental implications and effects, I think looking on the lighter side of things helps. So here’s hoping the strike ends soon and that you at least got a giggle out of this.

Panic in Haramistan as Boko Haram now Deadlier than Ebola

Newsweek highlights in this report that Boko Haram has killed more people than Ebola. Boko Haram is deadlier than Ebola. And you know, these things are especially true when reported in foreign publications.

 

As a result of this news, the government of Haramistan, formerly part of North-Eastern has announced the following measures to combat the scourge.

 

  1. Hand-Sanitisers are to be installed in all POW and concentration camps in the bushes and forests.
  2. Prisoners, orphans and amputees cannot exchange handshakes after prayers. Good sanitation and personal hygiene must be maintained at all times.
  3. All schools are closed until the WHO pronounces the region free of Boko Haram. This can only happen 40 days after the last person killed by Boko Haram has died, so parents whose children have not yet been killed or kidnapped should find ways to occupy their children at home.
  4. A containment centre for all persons afflicted by Boko Haram has been set up. Haramistani death workers will embark on a house-to-house patrol in their hazardous equipment suits to bring the scourge to a halt.
  5. Infrared thermometers will be deployed at the Haramistani airport and all other transportation routes into the territory, to ensure that Boko Haram does not enter via the ports.

 

The government of Haramistan is confident that these measures will bring Boko Haram under control and return killing supremacy to Ebola.

Drunken Love (the Consent remix)

 

“Not in a position to give consent” really means not in a position to withdraw it, no pun intended. At least that’s how I read the report of the proceedings in which Ched Evans was denied leave to appeal his conviction. I think this principle skews the balance of justice irretrievably in favour of the accuser, in accusations of non-violent rape, and I’m not certain it’s a good thing.

First of all, however, let’s get some ad hominems out of the way. I am male, the gender more likely to be accused of committing rape. I am the first of four sons and I grew up with no sisters. So perhaps my position will be perceived as biased. However, I am also married (to a woman – one must clarify these days) and we have 3 daughters, for whose future I am always terribly concerned. So, maybe a little reverse ad hominem there too. In other words, I think my opinion will be balanced. At least a little.

My interest in this matter is mostly an academic one – a logical and jursiprudential look, as far as is possible in a non-academic piece such as this, at the events that led up to the conviction of Ched Evans. The facts of the case (here’s the link again) are that Evans and a “mate” of his had sexual intercourse with a very drunk girl, who claims she woke up the next morning hungover, without any memory of what had transpired the previous night. She’d arrived at the hotel where the incident took place in the company of Evans’s friend (McDonald) who, as we say in Lagos, “controlled his guy”. Evans arrived to meet the accuser “enthusiastically engaging in consensual sex” with McDonald and claims she asked him to perform oral sex on her. After that, he proceeded to have penetrative intercourse with her. Long story short, after she woke up the next day she reported to the police and both men were charged. When she was examined and samples taken from her body, there was only evidence of intercourse; no bruises or injuries indicative of violence.

The thrust of the prosecution’s case was that the accuser was too drunk to have given her consent and therefore could not have given it. In a very technical (and almost convoluted) explanation, her memory loss was discounted, both at the trial and at the application for leave to appeal the judgement. Discounting her memory loss is significant for me because, what if she did consent but had forgotten? Rather, according to the judge when sentencing Evans, “…. [the complainant] was in no position to form a capacity to consent to sexual intercourse, and you, when you arrived, must have realised that.” I shall return to this shortly.

The jury, based on evidence of the accuser’s state as gathered from CCTV and witness testimony, acquitted McDonald but convicted Evans. I find this a little curious. If she was too drunk to have consented, as was the prosecution’s case, did going to the hotel with Evans indicate subliminal consent or did she somehow get drunker just before Evans came along? Note that (1) there was no evidence that she ingested more alcohol at the hotel; and (2) when she was tested at the police station, the following morning, there was no trace of alcohol left in her blood. On what basis did the jury deem that she consented to the sexual activity with McDonald but not to the one with Evans?

Then we return to the judge’s summation of the law, that the complainant was in no position to form a capacity to consent. Now, the thinking here is obviously to prevent vulnerable people from being taken advantage of; so that, for instance, men would not get away with intentionally intoxicating targets and putting them in that state on inebriation or incoherence to have their evil way with them. Fair enough. But it does not seem to me that the facts of this case fall under such precautionary jurisprudence. The implications for this on drunken, spontaneous (AND, hopefully, VERY SAFE) trysts, aside, it seems that what is being implied is that it is illegal to have coitus with a partner who is not in a position to communicate a withdrawal of consent.

I put the emphasis on withdrawal because, as these things go, except the sexual act is a transactional one lubricated by financial oils, consent is very rarely ever positively/verbally sought or communicated. Yes, sometimes, the guy asks if he can kiss the lady (I’ve been informed that this is not the preference of most ladies), but many other times, the man generally swoops in tentatively and sees consent or refusal in the lady’s response to his gesture.

Same for more advanced physical contact. You try first base, then second, then third, then go for the home run. It is extremely rare that consent is positively or categorically sought at each of these metaphorical stations. What usually happens is, when it seems like things are moving onward from any base, the uncomfortable lady communicates hesitation (during which moment, many a-weak man will say and promise anything to progress) or an outright NO, at which point, all well-mannered men retreat, albeit regretfully and konjilically. This is why I struggle a little with the reasoning behind “not in a position to form consent” in this case.

This piece does not seek to detract from the seriousness of non-consensual sexual activity. The only reason I’m even able to debate the case is because the crime alleged was not of the stalking or violent variety. I’m also not holding brief for Mr. Evans, and only the three people in the room know what actually occurred. Well, two, if one remembers that the third person had no recollection.

However, if she was so drunk that sex with Evans could not be deemed consensual, how is it that she was deemed sober enough to have consented to sex with McDonald? She was sober enough to agree to go to the hotel with a total stranger but too drunk to have consented to sex with a third party, even though the evidence of the 2 men involved as to what transpired in the room was not contradicted?

Rape is absolutely and completely deplorable and I understand that being a footballer is not a human right, but the facts here do not support Evans being treated like depraved, deviant sexual predator. This is as borderline as they come.

Furthermore, as this Slate piece (long read) suggests, while every accuser deserves to and should have her case investigated thoroughly, the fact of the accusation alone should not lead to a presumption of guilt and the unfair treatment of the accused.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: The Hand of Gambrach

Chill had long since departed the land and yea, did no one expect it to return until the battle was lost and won and the hurly burly done. Lo, where there no more bants, memes or tagging of hashish.

 

And it came to pass, in the season of electoralis minora, that the house of Apicuriam held electoralis minora federalis, to choose from amongst themselves one who would contend with King Gejoshaphat for the throne of all the 37 kingdoms in the realm.

 

Now, Gejoshaphat had served for one and a half quadrannia, having succeeded Yaraz of North Centralis, who perished in kingus interruptus. And Gejoshaphat desired and purposed in his heart to rule the 37 kingdoms for one more quadrannium.

 

And lo, there was no contention in the house of Padipalia against Gejoshaphat, for Markus Antonio, head of the senatus, together with elders of the house had presented themselves to Gejoshaphat, crying, “O good king, thou of good fortune and benevolence, master of patience, do not depart from the throne, we beseech thee! We would have no king besides thee!”

 

Gejoshaphat looked upon their pleas with mercy and yielded to their requests. “Ye are my people, and I your king. Far be it from me to reject your supplication.” And thus was there no rival in the house of Padipalia, for even the son of Baluwaz, the very first King of the realm, was discombobulated out of the running. And Gejoshaphat saw it and declared that it was good.

 

In the house of Apicuriam, after a minora federalis devoid of rancour, the delegates spake and chose Gambrach the Centurion as their champion. And lo, did Gambrach find their favour from amongst his peers Atikarias, Kwankwuzaiah, Rochashem and Samuel.

 

Atikarias had served as King’s hand to King Shegolas of Owurutas, but lo did he fall from Shegolas’s grace when Shegolas sought a third quadrannium which was against the laws of the realm. Atikarias had sought to be king for 3 quadrannia in the past but the word of Shegolas continued to cry against him.

 

Atikarias had not only traversed the 37 kingdoms, yea did he even draw nigh to the prophets of blog in the land of Social Media and Twilistia and was favoured of them. Alas it came to nought.

 

Kwankwuzaiah and Rochashem were kings of Kanorasia and Imoleka, respectively, seeking higher kingship. But yea, was it not to be. Samuel was a scribe, and it was said that his workmen at the scribery had not received wages in several moons.

 

Gambrach had once been king over the realm, in the time before time, when the men of Gunn ruled. Gambrach was a severe man of Gunn, given to diligence, uprightness, correctitude and was renowned for these qualities. And Atikarias had served the realm as a sentry in the time of the men of Gunn, when Gambrach was on the throne.

 

Gambrach had also frequently sought to be king in the here and now and was unvictorious in his battles with Shegolas, Yaraz and Gejoshaphat. At the time of his defeat at the hands of Gejoshaphat, he had sworn thus, “Yea, though I live to be a thousand years, never again shall I seek the crown of the realm. For the quest is a poisoned chalice, and it has drained me of everything.”

 

But there was a clamouring from across the realm, and the people cried out for a deliverer. For many felt oppressed under the officials of Gejoshaphat. And, as did Gejoshaphat, Gambrach hearkened unto the cry of the people. Furthermore as a bringer of change, it was not so farfetched for him to change his mind.

 

And there persisted a hurricane of unchill in the land.

 

It thereafter came to pass, after Gambrach had been elected from Apicuriam, that he was required to name his Hand. The people yearned for Fasholam but Shiwajun would not hear of it. Teximachus of Port Harcula, of whom it was said had matched Atikarias shekel for shekel at the electoralis minora, was also desirous of the Handship. But it did not fall upon him.

 

Shiwajun himself was said to be covetous of the Handship but it was not to be. Ayedeeeveedov, once-Prophet of Googlam, now chronicler of Moozes, had said many words in Twilistia against Shiwajun, but it was all obscure.

 

And then in the 13th hour of the seventh day after the minora election of Gambrach, yea, was it pronounced that Osinoshin, who had served as head-pharisee under Shiwajun, when Shiwajun was king of Gideria, was the chosen Hand of Gambrach.

 

And even though there was already a hurricane of unchill in the land, officials of Medieval Meteorological Services were compelled to upgrade it to a tropical storm of gaddem unchill. For Himaza spake on Gambrach’s choice of Osinoshin. And whenever Himaza speaketh, he entereth under the skin of the people of Social Mediana, Twilistia and Digital Perusia.

 

And there persisted a tsunamic gaddem lack of  chill in the land.

 

…To Be Continued

Let It Go – Wenger Sings

Are you a parent who’s been made to watch Frozen 78 times, and counting? Are you also an Arsenal fan? Did you nearly cry when Cesc Fabregas moved to Chelsea (because we had Ozil)? Do you groan every time he assists a goal?

Then this video is for you. Enjoy.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: Episode VI – Lost Gods of Lavatoria

 

 

“Delegates are the principal thing. Get delegates. And in all thy getting, get nominated. Even if the votes surpass the number of delegates in the land. For this is the will of the LOL concerning you.” – Ancient Mediana Scrolls

 

 

 

From the time of the proclamation of Moozes, wherein he averred that half of Gideria shitteth publicly, chill departed from the land. The people of Twilistia, in Elite Gideria and Naijasteros did brace themselves for a season of unchill for there remaineth no gaddem way that chill would return to the land until Jegatronix pronounced an end to the season of electoralis.

 

And yea, all over Naijasteros were there held electoralis minora. In the North Easteros region of Naijastros was a man named Nuhum. Nuhum desired in his heart that he would be King of Adamantium. Though he had been persecuted by Gejoshaphat and the house of Padipalia, he pledged fealty and his sword to them and was named their champion for electoralis majora.

 

In Gideria, King Fasholam, who reigned in the stead of his forbear Shiwajun, was not in accord with him. As has been foretold, Ambsalom found favour with Shiwajun and it pleased Shiwajun greatly for Ambsalom to rule in Fasholam’s stead at the end of the quadrannum. But Fasholam favoureth Shoopor of Mumbai and lo, were there tense moments in the Giderian house of Apicuria.

 

Fasholam stood with Shoopor and impresseth upon the delegatus to name Shoopor their champion for electoralis majora. But the hearts of the delegatus were hardened towards and Fasholam and endeared to Shiwajun. And they took no heed of the Tword that Ambsalom was of Ondonia, not Gideria, and did name him their champion for electoralis majora.

 

And all was well in the Giderian house of Apicuria. And lo, did Shiwajun make proclamation after the vanquishment of Shoopor, saying, “Knowest all ye of Gideria and beyond, and takest thou heed of my words, that no divide stands between Fasholam and myself!” Yea, did a number Twilistines, Social Medianites and Digital Perusites yinmu-eth at Shiwajun, but all was largely well.

 

And it came to pass shortly afterwards, that it was time for Giderian Padipalians to hold electoralis minora for Moozes, Jimothy and Boganus, who shewed himself an Expendable on the day.

 

It was said of Moozes, by the Elders of Giderian Padipalia, that he was uncouth and of inferior breeding to Jimothy. Neither man being an animal of domestication, Moozes made bold to declare that the true man of majora would be known at the end of electoralis, and that it would not be the meister who had done nothing useful with his life beyond dispensing medicaments from a corner shop in the village square.

 

And from the moment Giderian Padipalia began electoralis minora, there was not a modicum, nay an iota, nay further a speculum of gaddem chill across the length and breadth of the venue.

 

The forces of Moozes clashed with the forces of Jimothy and yea, could Moozes not part them. And Boganus arrived electoralis wearing chain mail armor for he was fearful for his life, yet his men wore none, for they were expendable – with a small E.

 

Ayedeevedov and Himaza continued their vigil for Moozes, desirous of his coronation as king at electoralis majora. Indeed, there were assured that the gods of porcelania and lavatoria, of whose gospel Moozes was an Apostle, would grant him favour.

 

And lo, was this electoralis the longest the Twilistines had seen, for even unto the 14th hour of the day was there a census of the delegates, and yea was it determined that they were 5 gross 4 score and six in number. And then did the delegates vote.

 

It came to pass that when the delegates had finished casting their votes, Boganus in his chain armor cried out to the Centurions and Sentinels at electoralis, “Defend ye this day the votes which the delegates have cast. Suffer them not to be moved, removed or altered. Preserve ye the sanctity of electoralis, as thou and this chain armour upon my chest protecteth my life.” And lo, the Centurions and Sentinels formed a ring of fire around the ballots, that no one might impugn them.

 

When the elders of Giderian Padipalia counted the votes of the delegates, a befuddling wonderment had taken place. The votes had increased in number by2 score and 17, to six gross less 1. This miracle took place before all men at electoralis minora and none could explain it. And Ayedeevedov, who until then maintaineth good cheer, imbimbed the spirit of the Tword and he began to prophesy, though it was said that this prophecy was more akin to lamentation.

 

Upon counting, the elders declared Jimothy the Meister champion of Giderian Padipalia at electoralis majora, where he would do battle with Ambsalom of Apicuria.

 

And lo, was there scornful rejoicing in the land, with joyful derision and subsidious subotomy spaken to Himaza, Ayedeevedov, and all those who had trusted in the gods of porcelania and lavatoria. Chill had long since departed…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kids won’t let it go: Why Disney’s Frozen is everywhere this Christmas

TexTheLaw:

Kids who have summer all year round now want to build a snowman…

Originally posted on Metro:

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who don’t have kids, and people who are really, really sick of Disney’s Frozen.

If you don’t know your Elsa from your elbow and the words ‘do you want to build a snowman?’ don’t bring you out in hives, you’re either in the former camp or you’re very, very lucky.

For small people, Frozen isn’t just a film. It’s the answer to life, the universe and everything. But why? What’s the secret?

The sarcastic answer is money: Frozen’s a Disney film, and that means it has a massive marketing budget behind it. But even Disney can’t sell a bad movie, let alone turn it into the kind of phenomenon that’s dementing dads and driving mums mad.

Parents aren’t packing theatres for sing-a-long showings of The Emperor’s New Groove, or ordering sing-a-long DVDs of Brave that won’t be off the TV…

View original 397 more words

The Chronicles of Chill – Episode V: Fecum Providentia

 After the time of the unchill of the season of (Me)Linda Gate(s), a season of chill came upon the lands of Twilistia and Social Mediana. Ayedeeveedov, who was thought to be a Prophet of Googlam, did not continue in the ways of Googlam and took upon himself the garb of a scribe, and yea did he pontificate upon matters of war, of peace and of the koronation of a coming king.

And lo was there chill. But the chill was lukewarm and not chilled and unpervasive, and very soon was spat out. And yea, were there reasons for the unchilling of chill.

High Priest of Saxophonia, Fematicus, went unto and knew his wife over five seasons. And she bore five children but lo, did he drive the first two away from his household, for they were the son and daughter of Adulteram. And Adulteram was not of the house of Saxophonia.

High Priestess Melinda of Gossipotamia received a vision of the exodus of the children of Adulteram but the god of Saxophonia was at least 96 moons ahead of the gods of Gossipotamia. And Fematicus demanded of Melinda that the engravings of the sons of Saxophonia be removed from her temple; and yea, was there a very fleeting peace. In truth, there was no peace.

In those days, Jegatronix, a Gaul from the House of Necolas, was chief elector in the land. The time was nigh, upon which King Gejoshaphat and the lesser kings of Naijasteros would either depart from the thrones and be replaced by others, or return in triumph for a further quadrannum of time. And Jeganotrix had proclaimed the season of electoralis.

In the kingdom of Gideria, King Fasholam, a good and upright king was nearing the completion of his second quadrannum on the throne, and lo, was it forbidden for him to return for a third quadrannum. For only one King had tried to break the sacred law of the quadrannum, and yea did it end in opprobrium and infamy for King Shegolas of Owurutas.

From the House of PaDiPalia there emerged two sons, whose desire it was to receive the people’s anointing and be declared by Jegatronix as King in Fasholam’s stead. The first was a meister, known to men as Jimothy. The second was a courtesan of King Gejosphat, having served as sub-centurion of Gejoshaphat’s armies. His name was Moozes.

Moozes and Jimothy were known to Fahsolam, for they had set their heads against his for the crown of Gideria in previous quadrannia, and even against Shiwajun, in whose stead Fahsolam had taken the throne. And yea did Moozes contend time upon time that Shiwajun was not of the kingdom of Gideria (but of Oshunlonica), and yea did he so contend in vain.

In the house of APiCuriam, from whence Shiwajun and Fahsolam came, was there a man named Shoopor of Mumbai. He was a Pharisee, like Fasholam and also wished to be king. Ambsalom, a tax collector, also from the house of APiCuriam, was himself desirous of the throne as well. Ambsalom presented himself as a son of Eperati, in the kingdom of Gideria, but lo did his enemies divine of the scribes of Jamboree and yea was it first recorded that Ambsalom was from the kingdom of Ondonia.

But the hand of Shiwajun was upon Ambsalom and it ceased to be counted against him that he originateth from Ondonia, for it was said that Ambsalom’s mother came from the town of Eperati and that sufficeth.

And it came to pass that Moozes and Jimothy made their own desires known to the people of Gideria on the same day. Moozes spoke in the town square of Gideria, while Jimothy spake only to the Giderians of Social Mediana and the Digital Perusi, for the PaDiPalians could not have the Town Square on the same day.

And while, Moozes spakes from the Town Square, the tword of Moozes was relayed to the Twillistines by a young man named Himaza, who was Moozes’ squire. And yea, was this the tword of Moozes as it came to the tweeple.

“People of Gideria, behold, a time of greatness is upon thee! If thou crownest me king, then will I build infirmaries all over our kingdom! For 7 times out of 10 when thou fallest ill, it is mosquitosis. And yea, shall we banish it from the land!”

The people of Gideria cheered but the Twillistines and Social Medianites continued to regard Moozes and Himaza his squire in silence. Moozes continued.

“Behold, people of Gideria, if thou wouldest crown me thy king, your children would be of greater learning, with 60 billion shekels! It is a thing of great sadness that only 2 out of 100 of our places of study are comparable to the standards of Babylonia. Marvel, as I create a teacheropolis for the rabbis who instruct as well!”

And yea, was there further acclamation in Gideria but only a mild murmur in Twilistia. And yet did Moozes proceed to speak further.

“Hear me, good people of Gideria! Behold, if I were king over thee and thine households, yea would I strew the streets of Gideria and Lagoslopolis with lavatories, for 47 out of 100 of you defecate publicly.”

And lo, were the ears of the chronicler deafened, for there erupted a riotous roar and there was no longer a gaddem modicum of chill in the gaddem land!!!