The Chronicles of Chill: Pestilencio Ekutensis

rats

Brethren, there have been revelations. The Tword has been speaking but the profundity of the visions have been overwhelming. The challenge of writing them was too great. Yea, did the Chronicler break all his quills and spill all his ink in amazement. Behold, he had to order new parchment and writing material from the Amazonian forest in Bezos and lo, did they arrive in prime time.

And so, it was revealed that when Lar Yi and the Beacons of Lie[t] returned from Jandinia, they were in peak delirum, especially FemCallamitus, who broke out into song – “Yea, like a pussy cat, I voyaged to London to see my King. Behold, I thought he would grab me with passion, like the Trumpet of Trumpstantinople but alas he did not. And when I saw my King in Jandinia, what did I do there? Ask my wife and children, they know my face is scary in private. I frightened away all the little mice under my King’s chair! It was a glorious time, having Holy Communion with my lord the King and his Queen before we were asked to leave, so they couldest retire to their other room.”

And a sigh of relief spread throughout the Kingdom. The King was alive and at least in a state of outer bah your.  It was only for a brief moment however, as a group of people decided to tag hashes demanding that Gambrach either abrogate his absence or abdicate the throne. “Abrogate or Abdicate!” they declared, led by renowned Irish juggernaut, Chazz O’Puta.

The constabulary of the kingdom refused to stand for it and quashed every gathering of Chazz O’Puta and his posse with the entire gamut of armoury at their disposal. Chazz and his guys were much too violent. A more peaceful procession against the Abrogate or Abdicate protests received the full blessing of the kingdom, including a battalion of constables to protect them along the way. There was only one side of this divide with fine people. So Chazz went back to Ireland.

Not long after, a ripple spread across the Kingdom that Gambrach had left his confinement in Jandinia and was returning to the kingdom. Was this a triumph for Chazz O’Puta and the people of Abrogate or Abdicate group? It did not matter. For yea, the streets were full of people of the country waiting to catch a glimpse of their king. Lo, he came on clouds descending. And his chariots could scarcely move, for the people obscured the way. Chorusing, “Welcome! O, Yo-Yo! Welcome King! O Yo-Yo!” because of the way he had swung back and forth between the kingdom and Jandinia like a yo-yo since ascending the throne.

“Fear not, good people. Your King shall address ye on the morrow.” Gar Bar informed the people. And so they waited. Behold, the morrow was soon upon them, and Gambrach spake.

Dear Subjects, it’s been a mad minute, yo! Ye have had updates on my sense of hearing, my sense of standing and my sense of humour. I know that ye hunger and thirst for more. But yeah, piss off, mates [this is a slang I learnt far away in Jandinia]. You may now laugh for a few seconds.

“Now that the laughter is out of your systems, take ye heed, that I am alarmed at the behaviour of some of you in Social Mediania and Digital Perusia. Ye have listened to the bard Robin of Thicke so much, that all the red lines of the Kingdom are now blurred. Ye shall all go to specsavers [this is another Jandinian colloquialism, for the information of ye with no foreign exposure]. You may laugh again at my robust display of sense of humour but beware the espions I have sent out amongst ye. No longer shall there be careless whispers. Gambrach out.”

The people were in a daze. Was this the reward for their earnest and fervent prayer? Had the Many Years Disease and the new mystery affliction robbed the King of the warmth of his heart?

As they turned these questions over in their hearts, a loud shriek was heard in Bedrock. It was Gambrach, and all rushed to the Throne Room to see what had disturbed him so. The first to reach him was FemCallamitus.

“Oh my King, you shriek so good. If only the haters could hear your lovely shrieking now, they would know…”

“Shut up, FemCallamitus! Shut up! Can’t you see what’s going on?”

FemCallamitus took a closer look and saw a familiar set of mice and rats, looking up menacingly at he and Gambrach. It was the mice he’d frightened from under Gambrach’s chair in Jandinia and they had drawn a red line on the floor.

“My King, I shall frighten them away again. Lemme just…”

“You not fit!” declared the head rat. Apparently the rats could talk. This was also a surprise to the Chronicler. “Face no dey fear face for here!”

By now Lar Yi, Gar Bar and Gyretta had joined them in the Throne Room.

“What manner of disrespectful rat is this?” asked Gyretta. “Knowest thou not that this is a private throne room?”

“Your Majesty, this must be the work of our detractors” said Gar Bar.

Shut up!” said a second rat. “When FemCallamitus bring him face come porshue me and Dokubz from Jandinia, e no know say we must to rayvenjje?”

“Thou art called Dokubz?” asked Gambrach. “What is your name?” he asked the other.

“Sari. Na me and Dokubz dey command all dis rat we dey here.”

“Okay, Sari and Dokubz. How shall we get thee to call off your comrades?”

“We no need anything from una. In fact, we don dey go. But just so una nor go ever try us again next time una dey Jandinia, as we no fit dey under the chair there again, Gambrach sef no go siddon on top this one. Comrades! Drakaris!!!!”

Behold, the rats ate every gaddem thing in the Throne Room. Lo, was not remaining one scroll, apart from the Kwaraptia Intrusivo scroll regarding Balavida.

“The King cannot hold court in the throne room until we repair it”, said Gar Bar.

“But the people have been waiting for him to resume at court,” said Gyretta. “What shall we tell them?”

Then FemCallamitus spoke. “Ye know that we have not been plain with the people as it pertaineth to the affliction of the King and yea, did it heat up the polity. Behold, the polity is so heated up at present, that any further pressure would cause a combustion. Tis best we tell them plainly what has happened here.”

“They will not believe that rats spoke unto us”, said Gyretta.

“No, they are not that stupid,” said Lar Yi.

“Very well, we shall leave out the part of the talking rats” said Gar Bar. “I shall deliver the message unto the people. Good idea, for once, FemCallamitus.”

Then Gar Bar sent out the word from inside Bedrock, “Behold, ye people of the Kingdom, Gambrach thy King shall not sit in the throne room for now. He worketh from his private quarters. For while he was away, the throne room was devasted by rats and now we make repair.” And he smiled, expecting the people to be happy with the truth.

But how very mistaken he was. “Rats? RATS??? YE EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THIS SHIT OF BULL????”

Behold, they were incensed. And there was no gaddem chill anywhere in the kingdom.

 

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The Chronicles of Chill: Voyage to Jandinia

There was a gnashing of teeth in the land as the spirit of Har Thy Known ravaged the Kingdom.

The people grew weary of the absence of their King and encamped around Bedrock to demand news of his ailment and what the meisters had said was the affliction.

The Beacons of Lie[t] in Bedrock sought to illuminate the minds of the people. “Have ye already forgotten the bootyliciousness of Daisy Annie?” they asked. “Are ye not bothered at the gajillions of shekels which we have shown ye somewhat that she stuffed into her booty?”

“Nay!” the people answered. “Give us news of what ails our king and when he returneth in his glorious and majestic swaggerliciousness. Pretend King Osinoshin is great guy but the kingdom drifteth further and further into pretence.”

So the Beacons sent one of their number unto the people, to speak with Thankful Peacock of the Char Knells. Her name was Gyretta, for she had a fondness for the white sap of gyration from the tree of the palm.

And Thankful Peacock asked her, “Dost thou not think the time has come for ye Beacons of Lie[t] to reveal the truth about King Gambrach’s health?”

And Gyretta replied, “Verily, we say unto thee with utmost veracity, the King recovereth everyday and as ye are witnesses, the Pretend King holdeth the fort.”

“What recoverest he from, though?” asked Thankful Peacock.

“A private ailment, gaddemit! The King is private guy in a public office, undergoing a private convalescence in publicly funded quarters, eating private food provided with public money, receiving private treatment from the Jandinian meisters at the public’s expense. It’s private, gaddemit, don’t you get it? Ye would do well to refrain from insulting him further with this quest for transparency.”

Yea, did Gambrach hear of her exploits all the way in Jandinia and commanded, “Let Gyretta come unto me, for she has done much heavy labour. She deserveth some rest. Let FemCallamitus come as well, for though he writeth gibberish, I know he doeth it for the love of the game.”

Behold, thus it was that the Beacons of Lie[t], namely, Lar-Yi, Gar Bar, FemCallamitus, Gyretta (the scribes of Gambrach) and Bee Ree (Gambrach’s Adviser on Those Who Had Seen The Light and Escaped the Kingdom) all got on a ship and sailed to Jandinia.

On arriving at the Jandinian Docks, they ran into many of the kings from the 36 kingdoms, who had also come to see the King.

“How is my beloved King, most Davidic, Solomonic and merciful?” asked FemCallamitus. It was King Ro Chazz of Imolek that answered, “Yea, our King is bam! And behold, his pet dog – SenseofHumour – is now so frisky, he has put it on a leash. Ye can scratch SenseofHumour behind its ears or tummy. Such a mischievous puppy, it filleth the room with laughter.”

“Oh, how I have missed SenseofHumour in Bedrock!” exclaimed Gar Bar.

“A word of caution though”, said King Jimobite of Oyossinia. “Ye must now pay an admission fee to gain an audience with King Gambrach.”

“Why?” asked Bee Ree

“Have ye not heard? His audiences are now managed by the famous Madam Two Swords establishment.”

“Our King is so brilliant. He earneth coin for the Kingdom even in his convalescence.” said FemCallamitus.

And so the Beacons paid the entrance fee to Madam Two Swords to see King Gambrach. Gambrach greeted them with a dazzling smile. While they had expected to see him wearing his brown robes of convalescence, they were overcome with joy seeing him in a holy white, majestic tunic. Lar-Yi was so overcome with joy that the spasms racked his body and he doubled over in rapturous pain.

“Outer Bah Your” said Gambrach, and Moborius emerged, clad in the Spartan Belts of Leonidas, and he quickly painted the portrait of the King and the Beacons.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, SenseofHumour jumped on Lar-Yi, licking his face as he wagged his tail in earnest canine playfulness. The whole room burst into laughter. “Ah, SenseofHumour” chuckled Lar-Yi, “I thought they said you’d been put on a leash now.”

Yea, did another puppy run into the room, this time rubbing itself against Bee Ree’s legs and rolling over on its back, indicating it wanted to be tickled.

“Your Majesty has a new dog?” asked Gar Bar.

“Yes. When the meisters commanded me to remain here until they released me, they realised that SenseofHumour, who had been doing so well, was going to be lonely. So they gave me another dog to keep him company.”

“What is this new dog called?” asked Gyretta.

“His name is Banters” replied the King.

And yea, did they revel in the presence of their lord. And when they emerged from his presence, filled anew with vigour and love, and the people asked news of the King, Lar Yi responded, “It pleaseth me to tell ye that the King is hearty. Behold his SenseofHumour and Banters were thoroughly on point.”

“ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT WHEN COMETH HE BACK? WILL HE NOT EVEN SEND WORD TO US?”

And the Beacons of Lie[t] looked at each other and in unison, closed their eyes, stuck their fingers in their ears and said the magic words “Ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne.”

Yea, did they vanish away from the people.

The people were incensed. And there was no gaddem chill.

Chronicles of Chill: The Bootyliciousness of Daisy-Annie

Booty2

Brethren, there continued to be unchill in the land. And across the Kingdoms, the people dared the gods, unmindful of the plagues of Gitis and flood with which they had struck the kingdoms of Gideria and Zamfarawayland for excessive illicit coitus. Yea, did they continue in their unbridled debauchery, breaking fornicatomatic records, pushing the needle of the fornicatometer to levels unseen since records began. And yea, did the gods unleash even an even greater deluge of floods upon the kingdoms. Behold, these floods were more dire than many had seen, submerging chariots. And the gods of subterranea were also vexed and regurgitated all the filth they had hidden and wawu, it was a fecund mess in the streets.

And the people cried, “Where is our King, that he might make intercessions and supplication unto the gods on our behalf? Oh, what a most useless and ineffectual king is Gambrach the Vanished!”

Their cries went unto Bedrock, into the chambers of the scribe FemCallamitus, who had been silent for many moons (having no gaddem king to or royal activities to record in the scrolls) and was green with envy at the acclaim that Dr Who, who was not even a courtesan, had received with his song in the Book of Face. Yea, had Dr Who received a commendation from Lady Yeeshah, as she joined her alto to Dr Who’s soprano.

“I have been silent for too gaddem long,” thought FemCallamitus to himself. “I am one of the top scribes of Gambrach my Lord and tis I who should write his canticles. When my King unvanishes, my song shalt be number one on the Gambrachian Griotic Charts. Yea, shall it be platinum.” And then he wrote, like a Kenneth Rojas.

Everyone considers him the worst King of the kingdom

He never stood a single time to prove the kingdom wrong

His Momma named him Gambrach but folks just called him Vanished

Something inside tells me, they’re reading Gambrach wrong

He’s weak like once King David was and spat on by Shimei

Shimei looked at David and concluded that he was dead

But like the sword of Abishai was given word by Sully

When my Gambrach cometh back, he’s going to chop your head. 

Gambrach my King, you remain the only one to save us all from trouble in the land; And even though you’re weak please don’t turn the other cheek, Oh Gambrach you are old but understand, you’ve gotta chop off heads when you’re a man.

And the people heard the song of FemCallamitus and laughed hard at his nincompoopery. Poopy Poopery.

And yea, in the midst of their mirth, news came to the people from Trumpstantinople of the booty of Daisy-Annie. You see, before Daisy-Annie became Gejoshaphat’s councillor for petrolatum, her booty was of a modest size. She had worked for Mollusca and her booty was nicely and judiciously oiled at the time. Lo, everything was nice and squeezy clean.

Alas, she met two men, whose actions contaminated the booty of Daisy-Annie. Their names were Luko Skywalker and Ko-Ray the Jedi. They promised Daisy-Annie a bigger and shinier booty if she used her powers as councillor to ensure they got the largest petrolatum harvesting fields of the kingdom’s petrolatum for their ventures.

Behold, she acquiesced to their request and maigheeeurd, did they inflate her booty. Not only did they fill her chest, they ensured she had the finest of castles and palaces.

However, the men were wreckless and spent like sailors. Alarmed, Daisy-Annie said to Luko Skywalker, “Spend not with such unchill. Why buyest thou a ship when thou canst hire it for only a short while?”

But Ko-Ray used his Jedi mind tricks on her. And she ceased in her admonitions. And yea, was her booty fattened even more such that her bootyliciousness breached the legal limit in Trumpstantinople.

“How much is this booty?” the people asked with great concern.

“It is a great and tremendous number.” said the Trumpetistani constables.

“How great and tremendous?” they pressed, “for we are wary of fake news from way down yonder.”

“Be assured the news is genuine and non-spicered. And ensure that ye are seated to hear the number, for it is several hundred millions of Trumpetistani shekels.”

“SEVERAL HUNDRED MILLION WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?”

The apostles heard of it. And there was not a gaddem speculum of chill in the entire kingdom!

​Notes from Westeros – what we learned from S7E1 by @EditiEffiong

Spoiler alert: if you haven’t seen Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 1, stop right here
Game of Thrones returned on Monday morning (Sunday for the lucky Americans), and it is everything we were expecting. We said our reluctant bye byes in season 6 after Cersei mass murdered every Sunday School teacher in Westeros,  so it was only fair the new season opened with some mass murder. And lawd, they were murdered.
The season opener was perfect, surely left a taste for what is to come. These are my thoughts from the S7 E1.
Cersei has done some redecorating around the throne room. We may not like Cersei, but we can all agree, the place was due some sprucing up. We all love the new Kings Guard uniform.

The Seven Pointed Star has been replaced by a Lannister Simba, and the top King’s Guard uniform screams murder

 

Arya Stark loves killing people. Remember when she was about to kill Walter Frey, she’s said the last face he’d see is that of a Stark, smiling down at him. Smiling!
Then after murdering the entire Frey clan, guess what was on her face? A smile. And when she talked about killing Cersei? She laughed.
I’m really worried that the young Stark girl may be so far gone, only killing brings her joy. In which case, we’re in a lot of trouble, when she is done killing everyone on her list.

I just murdered a hundred Freys. So sway!

The Meisters of the Citadel really need to stop eating beans. One would think men so wise would learn to eat less laxative foods. Except they’re just eating beans to spite poor old Sam Tarly.

All this shit? For what???

 

Brienne really needs to move on from her crush on the golden handed Lannister, so she can see the love Tommund has waiting for her. Considering Tommund is heading away to the wall, and likely will die there, she needs to hurry. And hurry fast.

Brienne, ne ma nya

Who doesn’t love Lady Mormont? She’s everything Westeros needs right now, if the war against the Night King is to be won. And when the war is over, they should her bring the head of the Night King. But knowing Lady Mormont, she just might be the one to chop off the icy head of the Night King.

IMG-20170718-WA0005

Una too talk! If to say na me born the dragons ehn…!!!

And Cersei again. Often, we are forced to admit Cersei’s brilliance, even though she’s a downright despicable human being. But in this episode, she displays uncharacteristic naïveté in still thinking Tyrion, her brother, murdered Jeoffrey. And her pointless hatred for Sansa Stark beggars belief. It’s this naive, us-against-the-world attitude that convinces that when her end comes, not many will mourn her.

But then, this is GOT, and we’ve seen stories change. Who would have thought The Hound could become a meek, praying, vision seeing, brother of the light?

The Chronicles of Chill: The Mufassification of Lady Yeeshah

Roaring-Lions-Wallpaper-03

The clouds of sexit continued to swirl over Dinobetes Mellitus. But the name of Abushola was a strong tower – the frighteous run into it and yea, they are saved. And Dinobetes loved Abushola with all his might – even more might than with which he flung Abushola into the air following his triumph at Conductivitis.

“Dinobetes, my ‘tack dawg” said Abushola unto Dinobetes, “fear not, for I shall save thee from the machinations of Yaya Bellows. Muahahahaha!

At the following sitting of the Senatii, where the senateens considered various matters afflicting the Kingdom (for the pretense of the pretend-reign of Pretend King Osinoshin had yea and thence become a long thing), they considered the petition of the Kogitarians against Dinobetes.

Deputy Warden Equerry Mah-Doo rose up to address the senateens and said unto them, “Fellow Nassholes! Lend me you ears. I come to bury Bellows, not to praise him. The evil that Bellows does will live long after him if we do not quash it straightaway. For behold, if Bellows shall bellow Mellitus away, what shall become of us? Senateens, I do move that we block this gaddem thing!”

“Thou hast spoken well, Equerry Mah-Doo”, said Abushola, “for the success of Bellows might embolden the puppet king I installed in Kwarapotamia. We shall not just block the gaddem thing. We shall kill it and lo, it shall be dead on arrival.”

And then another one of the Nassholes stood up, by the name of Nzuzu Iberibe. “Yo, fellow senateens, as long as we be the ones who taketh charge, shall we not also take charge of the whole gaddem kingdom? I move that we make Abushola the Theatrical Pretend King of the kingdom in place of Pretend King Osinoshin.”

Yea, were the senateens visibly excited by the prospect. But Abushola was a man of timing. “Chill niccurs. This ain’t the time. Though ye knowest that the throne is the ultimate desire of my heart but take ye heed that whoever rusheth to grab it may yet get his hands burnt. Or worse, cut off, in a fit of Wahala Morghulis.”

And while they chilled in senatii, there was no gaddem chill in the entire Kingdom, for the people were amazed at the gall of the nassholes.

Yet, Dinobetes was not satisfied and he instructed Michaelangelo, his mighty learned man of silk, to extract injuctio dawonduro before the magistrate. But the magistrate was not prepared to change the status quo. And lo, the Commisar of Electoralis carried on uninterrupted and in House Mellitus there was no gaddem chill.

Meanwhile, in the kingdom of Gideria, King Ambasalom was doing his best to transform the Kingdom into a megakingdom. Behold, all those of minds that were not daily renewed unto megakingdomness, yea did he smash their dwelling places and cast them into the lagoon. Gideria was going to be a megakingdom gaddemmit, and like his brother King Roe Chazz in Imolek, Ambsalom was spoiling with Giderians with utmost in infrastructural kingdomhood. But the people of Gideria were unmindful of the words of King Ree Yah of Zamfarawayland of the dangers of excessive fornication. And as they revelled, they fornicated and fornicated until their fornicatometer passed the spiritual watermark of 40 forns. And the gawds were displeased  with the Giderians and looked through their rolodex of plagues for which one to send unto them. And brethren, homygheeeeeurd, it rained and poured and there was a flood upon the land. But Ambasalom was unbothered, for as far as he was concerned, his Kingdom was one of aquatic splendor and yeah he poppeth the best casks of ale at the wedding of the the children of King Ku Mo of Ogunsinia and Bee Ree, Gambrach’s advisor for Those Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom. And yea, it was turnt!

And while all this transpired, another senateen from the kingdom of Dunamis, sworn arch-enemy and arch-rival of King El-Farquaad, looked upon the affairs of the kingdom and overcome by the spirit of the tword, sang a lamentation unto the Kingdom, which was recorded in the Book of Faces.

“KAAAAASSSUUUUNNNNWENYAAAAAA YAMAYEEE SEEEMABBOOOO!!!!”

And the Social Medianites were like, “Say what, now?”

But the spirit was strong with the senateen, whose name was Dr Shey Who (or Dr Who for short). And he lamented again, “NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABAAAAAA!!!”

The people were still confused. But then Dr Who sang  in the common tongue thus –

From the day he arrived in the Palace and thinking he’d end corruption, there was more to see than he ever did see, more to do than our Gambrach has done…

And now the jackals and hyenas and their wives – the hyenanas – are praying in doubt, when before they would shout, now scheming how to take the throne…

It’s the circle of weak!!! Which our Lion King will return to destroy and he’ll bring us joy. Yes he’ll take his place in the path unwinding…”

And Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach the Vanished, saw the song in the Book of Face and herself began to prophesy. “Dry bones do live again, the prayers of the dog and baboon have been answered. The Lion King returneth and no longer shall he be called Gambrach the Vanished. He shall come back with the gift of the roar, descending with his Lion Guard, and his new name shall be Kion-Gambrach. And he shall put to shame Doc McStuffins, Sophia the First and all the sissy girls on Disney Junior. Behold, he shall chase the jackals and hyenas out of the Pride Lands. And the glory of Mufassa shall be risen upon him. Selah. ANYAMANISI NABABAII.

Brethren, ye knoweth the ending of the chronicle. Yes, indeed, the people looked around themselves in utter amazement and complete loss of chill. Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom.

Chronicles of Chill: The Voice – Season Two

The clouds of unchill continued to swirl over the Kingdom and behold a heavy thunderstorm of unchill rained down on the house of Dinobetes Mellitus.

Dinobetes had loved Abushola, the warden of senatii but hated the king of his own lesser kingdom, Kogitamia.

King Yaya Bellows of Kogitamia despised not being the beloved of Dinobetes. Yea, he saw Dinobetes grab Abushola and throw him in the air as he had thrown others before and hated that he the king had not been so royally manhandled.

And so he proclaimed, “Wahala Morghulis shall not end, for I shall unleash it on House Mellitus and have the people expel Dinobetes from senatii.”

Lo, did the men of Bellows traverse the kingdom collecting the signatures of the enfranchised. For it was the law of the land that if half their number petitioned the Commisar of Electoralis and affirmed their loss of faith in a member of the senatii at a referendum, the member would #Sexit.

“Maigheeeurd!” exclaimed Dino, as the petition of his constituents reached the Commisar. “What wouldst become of me if I sexit senatii? I must find a Pharisee versed in the law to save me.”

Yea, did he instruct Michaelangelo, a mighty man of the silk to counter-petition the courts on account of the men of Bellows breaking into tombs, placing quills in the decomposed hands of the dead and scrawling signatures on the petition. Necrocalligraphy at its peak.

And lo, it had been a season of fasting and prayer in the land. For 30 days, the people of the Great Prophet had fasted and as the 30 days ended it was time to break the fast with feasting and merriment.

It was the custom in the Kingdom for the King to declare the feast commenced and the people wondered if it would be the Pretend King that would speak to them.

But nay, Gar Bar, co-head scribe to Gambrach with FemCallamitus, announced that he was bringing an audial word from Gambrach.

And yea, the Lovengers were delirious.

And behold, the people gathered with their mats and popcorn all over the Kingdom to hear the voice of their long lost King.

Lo, was it like the time of Mah Roo, when he convalesced in Sah Oud and also sent an audial word unto the people, as Shegolas asked him, “Mah Roo, doth thou yet live & breathe?”

At last the hour of delivery came but yea, half of the people comprehended it not, as Gambrach spoke in the native tongue of the Fullanisters. It was a puzzlement. It was a formentor of unchill.

“Behold, the voice of thy King!” said Gar Bar.

But the people remembered the word of the singing prophets, Magic Système, which said “premier gâou n’est pas gâou…” and the words of former King of Trumpetistan, Giorgios Bushellopoulos, “…fool me twice, can’t get fooled again.” And they cried, “Noooo!!!!”

“Gambrach speaketh not with the rapidity of the audial. This audial was not punctuated with the kingly pauses and “uhhhh” of which our King speaketh. Furthermore, how be it that his first word to the kingdom in two score days and ten, wert not in Inglesius, which the whole kingdom comprehendeth? We shall not be deceived!”

And there was not a gaddem speculum of chill in the entire kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: Abusholan Victory & End of Wahala Morghulis

Justice

Lo brethren, a black spot of Wahala Morghulis had been delivered to Abushola and yea was a voice raised against him in Conductivitis and behold the Warden of senatii was charged with crimes of declarations in anticipation of milk and honey.

Yea, did the travails of Abushola linger and behold he tried his utmost to have the charges quashed. Daily he appealed the continuation of proceedings, alleging “whenst Shiwajun came before thee, didst thou not grant him the benefit of explicatio nigbatimensis? Why wouldest thou not extend me the same courtesy? Am I not also of ruling stock?”

Wherefore Shiwajun cackled and the furnace of the Wahala Morghulis was stoked.

And again, Abushola would petition all the courts in the land, repeatedly beseeching the magistrates for a way out of the Wahala. And again, they would send him back to Conductivitis. “Thou shalt answer for thine anticipation of milk and honey.” And Abushola did not relent. Yea was he relentless in seeking to avert justice, for nearly 24 moons.

Finally the day of judgement was at hand. The quills of the Kalahari Newsbearers told of clandestine meetings and facilitations between the men of Abushola and the heads of Conductivitis. Behold, Abushola was pronounced relieved of his duty to defend himself, as the prosecutors, ably supported with testimony from the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, were held not to have established a gaddem thing.

Behold, there was no chill in the land, as across the land, the death knell was sounded again for the battle of Gambrach against graft. But the heart of Dinobetes Mellitus was full and joyous, for he was a great stan for Abushola. And yea, did he pick Abushola up and throw him into the air – for it was said that he was well-practiced in human projectility.

And Abushola’s head squire, Banksamakemdance came into the streets with news of the attempted perversion by Worh Ray of the Kalahari Newsbearers. Yea, did he allege that Worh Ray had sent emissaries to demand one million trumpetistani shekels to recolour the news they bore of Abushola.

“And how didst thou respond?” the people asked Banksamekemdance.

“I kicked his emissary into the well, screaming, ‘Thisch! Isch! Twillistia!!!’”

Behold, all the Twillistians and Social Medianites shouted in acclaim of Banksamakemdance, “Awhoo! Awhoo!! Awhoo!!!”

It was in this time, or thereabouts, that Gar Bar, scribe of Gambrach, long since in a purdah of silence, emerged to declare a message from the King. Or from the office of the King. Or from the bed of the King clothed in his brown robes of convalescence and his white cap of mystical holiness in Jandinia. Or from somewhere purporting to be associated with the King. For the people had not heard directly from the King in over 6 moons.

“Behold the proclamation of King Gambrach, most divine majesty, conqueror of all afflictions including the Many Years disease, that the unsigned coinage of the Kingdom is most unbeneficial to the affairs of the Kingdom. Yea is the Kingdom halfway through its pecuniary year and behold have we been side-tracked in our most holy crusade against unclean graft. And now, the King giveth his permission to Osinoshin, who remains only the Pretend King, to endorse the coinage.”

Then, Pretend King Osinoshin signed the coinage of the kingdom. And it was a great day of pomp and ceremony. And the golden quill of coinage signing of Bedrock was retrieved from its holy ensconcement.  And the naysayers proclaimed, “Aha! All ye who seek Gambrach on the pretext that the Pretend King doth not pretend sufficiently. Behold his glorious signage of the coinage. Leave ye our Gambrach to convalesce in peace!”

But the people asked again, “Where is King Gambrach?”

And a famous man known as Thankful Peacock of Charr Knells also asked the question of Lar Yi. “O, Lar Yi, Councillor for the Propaganda, where stayeth our king?”

“His wife returneth anon from Jandinia, and she proclaimeth him in good recovery. And verily I say unto ye that I believe her.”

Thankful Peacock pressed further. “But doth thou know his condition? Is it the Many Years Affliction? The people deserve to know!”

“I know now except what his wife sayeth. And also that Osinoshin maketh contact with him daily.”

“Oh wow. Daily?”

“Yes! The Pretend King and the Vanished King converse daily!”

“Oh, tremendous. If the Vanished speaketh to the Pretence, perhaps he might yet speak to his people.”

“Let us watch and pray.”

And yea, as they watched, news came from the mini-olympiad in Oz-Low, not very far off from Jandinia, that a lady athlete from the Kingdom was contesting in the Jumpathon. Behold, she was a big blessing unto the Kingdom for many years and her name was Kah Ray. And Kah Ray ran for the jumpathon with tremendous speed, some say propelled by a special breath from Gambrach in nearby Jandinia. And yea, Gambrach breathed too hard, for the breath propelled her forward, but not the wig with which she covered her head. Gheeeurd, did the wig fall backwards as she landed. And man, there was no gaddem chill across the many kingdoms of the world.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: The Frabanian Sabbath of the Ipobusites

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There continued to be a mild discontentment in the land as the people heard not from their king. During his previous visits to the Janidinian meisters, there would be a flurry of visits from his courtiers and councillors, Shiwajun and Yeesha, and so on, all of whom would return with images of King Gambrach in his armor of Jandinia – his brown robe of convalescence and white cap of mystical holiness.

Yea, the Lovenger Scribes were silent. FemCallamitus had already written many Magnificats and Gar Bar had retreated into Pur Dah. Lay Si asked the sons of men who the Haramites would have stood for in electoralis, to the consternation of the people, but there was word from Lar Yi.

“The King remaineth in full control of the Kingdom. He speaketh to his council daily, even unto me. We come to the garden while the dew is still on the roses and voice we hear falling on our ear our lovely king disposes – and he walks with us and he talks with us and he tells us we are his own” he said.

“Then why speaketh he not with us?” the people asked Lar Yi.

“Well, maybe ye are not his own.” replied Lar Yi, full of sycophantic fervour.

And in that day came a man named Car Knoo. Car Knoo had returned from exile in Jandinia to raise a new tribe called the Ipobusites. And yea, was he a prophet, priest and leader unto his followers. Behold, he called for the land in the East of the South to be removed from the Kingdom, as it was sought to be in the day of Joo Kwoo.

For this, the Deliverance Squad Squadron delivered him into the dark dungeons of Kee Ree for 12 months, with only a semblance of a trial. Thrice did the magistrate order that he be released on bail and thrice did all the forces of the kingdom unlook. And yea, finally, in the vanishment of Gambrach from the kingdom, Car Knoo was released. And the Ipobusites rejoiced at the release of their prophet and high priest.

The other inhabitants of the kingdoms in the East of the South looked on in amazement at the growing tribe of the Ipobusites. Behold, the Ipobusinian priest called for all in the lands to observe a Frabanian Sabbath and not put hand to the plough, or seed in the soil, or seed in the hoo-ha. Yea, did all comply, Ipobusite and non-Ipobusite alike.

This thoroughly vexed the young Rewan men in the North, for Gambrach, their own High Priest and Saviour King was gone and it looked as if the kingdom would fall into the hands of Oshinoshin. And so they declared persona non grata all personas born in the East of the South of the Kingdom. It bore an uncanny resemblance to the season of Joo Kwoo and the Great Frabanian War.

And there was no gaddem chill in the land.

Lo, the people cried against the Rewanian Proclamation. “Oh, if only King Gambrach were here to unleash the dog and the baboon on these Rewanian Youths! Where is our King?”

And as sure as the sun riseth, the Lovengers lined up to defend the throne. “Why cry ye for Gambrach, when he handeth over the kingdom to Pretend-King Osinoshin?”

“But Osinoshin pretendeth too much and taketh the pretence too seriously. He pretendeth so much that he signeth not the coinage nor sweareth in the emissaries to foreign lands, nor the new councillors. Yea, tis as if this is an episode of whose line is it anyway? Is Gambrach still in Jandinia?”

Behold, at that very moment in Jandinia, Mei-Mei, the Queen’s first minister, leader of the Conservatories, full of the spirit of hubris, declared electoralis upon the kingdom. So sure was she of victory, that she freely mocked Kor Bin, leader of the Laboratti. And yea, was there a gaddem ripple throughout the cosmos, as Kor Bin and the Laboratti made gains and reduced Mei-Mei’s seats of strength and stability.

And the Lovengers of the Gambrachian provinces lamented with the Conservatories, saying, “if only Gambrach had appeared to Mei-Mei in his brown robe of convalescence and white cap of mystical holiness, yea would he have bestowed upon her his Katsinian and Kanonic voter magic to ensure her victory”. Alas, he was nowhere to be seen. And the people cried out yet again, “Where is our King? Is he even in Jandinia?”

And the Prophet Car Knoo spoke to the people saying, “it mattereth not whether thy king liveth in Jandinia or here or not. For my kingdom is at hand. And it shall be a great and awesome kingdom, never before seen. It shall bring a sabbath of awesomeness unto the land. Tremendous, like the Trumpet. Frabania lives – in Joo Kwoo, in me and in you! Behold, I have said it.”

And by gheeuurd, there was no chill in the Kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: Seasons of Empowerment

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A cloud gathered over the land as Gambrach departed from the Kingdom and lo, it was a cloud of whisperings. There were whisperings of a conditional abdication and severe resistance thereto from the high chiefs in the North. There where whisperings of a mutiny from the garrison. So loud where the rumours of the mutiny that the Lord General Rah Tye of the Dubailese Skyscraper Battalion had to stage a ceremony of fealty to the throne of Gambrach.

“We declare this day that our swords are for the Throne!”

“Uhm…those were the whisperings of which we were fearful” the people responded. “Ah, I see what you mean”, said the General. “What we mean is that we stand behind the Throne, ready at a word to strike!”

“Dude! Thou doth not make it better, bruh” the people replied again.

“Oh, come on! All right, no more euphemisms! We pledge allegiance to the Throne and shall leave matters of statehood to the Kings and counsellors in the land. Happy, now?”

Yea, did the people heave a sigh of relief. But it was only momentary, for the emissary of the Queen of Jandinia came to the people with a message.

“Behold! I come from Jandinia with a message for thee!” the emissary proclaimed.

“You bring news from our King?” the people asked him.

“No, I bring word from her majesty the Queen.”

“Oh, thou bringest a message from Lady Yeeshah?”

“No, my Queen. The Queen of Jandinia. The word from her throne is…”

“…but who you epp?” the people interrupted. “We want to hear from King Gambrach.” But eventually they let him speak, and he also had a warning for the garrison lest they mutiny.

Even Shiwajun spoke against these whisperings. “Behold, and I kid thee not. It shall be a heck of a Wahala Morghulis upon any mutineers. They may have all the swords and horses and arrows and shields and spears, and we may have nought but the hearts in our chests, yet shall our chests outnumber their swords and yea shall a holy Wahala Morghulis be unleashed on any soldier that seekest unfortunatecy.”

And the people were like, “Waaaaawu! Whose chests wouldst thou defend the kingdom with? Thine, surely?” And the thoughts of their chests being pierced with the armoury of mutiny filled them with sadness. Behold, news of their sadness came to the lesser kings. And they purposed in their hearts to do something to lift the sadness.

And yea, it was King Autumn of the kingdom of Ben Way who first came to the rescue of his people. My people need power, he thought. Power to be better. Power to do better. Power to resist the incursions of the land-grabbing herdists. Iskaba! Ben Way will be a flower to shower the people with an hour of empower! No longer shall they cower. Yea, they shall be like Jack Bauer in this hour that I empower. Iskelebete! I say they shall tower and their mood shall no longer be sour! Iskoloboto!!!

And in a frenetic fulmination of phantasmagoric and philanthropic forthcomingness, King Autumn ordered that each young man in the kingdom be given a wheelbarrow to ferry people around, as alternatives to the hackney chariots. For, he reasoned, if they ferry their fellow citizens about long enough, they shall grow in my biceptual  and triceptual stature. And yea, will they be empowered. Behold, I have fulfilled the prophecy of the great prophet, Dijanimus Khalidius – “major key”.

It was a farce. But the Lovengers, starved of anything Gambrachian to love, quickly bequeathed their blessings on Autumn. “Behold a great empowerment!” they declared. “Tis the greatest empowerment we have seen in a long gaddem time. When Gambrach returneth, ye shall see even more powerful empowerment, swearraghad!”

And behold, the people remembered Gambrach again. For lo, there was no news of him. Rather, there was more news from the high chiefs in the North. “Let it be known throughout the land that Gambrach will, shall, must compulsorily and irreversibly serve for two quadrannia on the throne. For it is written, ‘What do ye imagine against the King? He will make an utter end: affliction shall not rise up the second time.'”

“Yes!” said FemCallamitus. “I know not why the enemies of the Kingdom rage. Why do they seek the end of Gambrach’s reign? Have they ever seen a reign so beautiful and sweet? I don’t know much but I know I love him and that may be all I need to know. The King liveth. Even though he speaketh not to his people, nor attendeth to the affairs of the kingdom and spake not even unto me for several moons until the Day of Kingsleycost, yea, I know he liveth. How? Because it is truly amazing how he knocks me off my feet, every time he comes around me I get weak, no King has ever made me feel this way. Selah.”

“And let it be known” the high chiefs in the north continued, “that we are prepared for schism to rent the kingdom asunder should no heed be paid to our word. For reals, yo!”

And the clouds over the land continue to grow in size and darkness, and yea was there a rumbling in the firmaments above and a striking of lightning (for thunder striketh not, regardless of the opinions of the bumbum bard, Tee Maya). And behold, the cloud unleashed all the gaddem unchill inside it, as news reached the Twilistines that Shiwajun and Moozes, who had contested sorely against him, were reconciled. Worse, was news that Moozes was about to leave the house of Padipalia and join Shiwajun in Apicuria. The news was unleashed like a Gambrachian banter and there was no gaddem chill in all the land!

 

The Chronicles of Chill: Inner Bah Yor & the Handling Hand of the King

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In the second year of the first quadranium of King Gambrach, there was unrest in the land for the King had not been seen at successive meetings of his council. The people clamoured to behold their king and hear his soothing voice as he spoke to them yet again about his holy quest to rid the land of evil.

Unbeknownst to them, the King had embarked upon a very awesomely secret and mysterious mission, one whose secrecy was only exceeded in awesomeness by its mystery, and only a select few of his council knew whither he went. Lo, the mission was not even revealed to the chronicler and far be it from the Chronicler to accuse the revealing spirit of the Tword of unknowing.

“Where art thou, O Gambrach”, the people cried. “Speak to us, for the camp of your enemies whispereth that thou art ill.”

“Ye fear too much” said Lar Yi, the King’s councillor for propaganda. “For though the king be a septuagenarian, behold he is the septiest septuagenarian that ever was. Fear not, for he only worketh from home.”

And the people were confused. For Bedrock was the King’s home and the place from where he had always worked.

“Hath he moved to a different castle or palace?” the people asked. “Hath he another official residence? Thy explanation maketh no sense to us. Give us our king!”

Lar Yi cast an anxious glance at FemCallamitus. FemCallamitus looked nervously over his shoulder to see if Gar Bar was in their midst and knew what to say. But Gar Bar was nowhere to be found. It seemeth that he had accompanied the King on the mission most mysterious and secret.

“Look”, began FemCallamitus, “the King only followeth the orders of the meisters and yea, is he chillaxing, that his spirit and body may be renewed unto thy service.”

“But thou informest us previously that his fitness was fiddlistic. Didst thou declare unto us a falsehood?”

“No, twas true!” Lar Yi had come to FemCallamitus’s rescue. “The King taketh things easy, that he might convalesce.”

And the people looked at each other in befuddlement. “Thou confusest us big time, dude.” they said to Lar Yi. “Doth he work from his chambers or another palace or doth he convalesce?”

“Oh, look at that purple moonlight” exclaimed Lar Yi suddenly, pointing to the sky. And the people followed his gaze to see the purple moon. But behold, the moon was white and when they turned back to ask what he meant, both Lar Yi and FemCallamitus were gone. Twas a gbelonic-gbebonic scam.

Whilst the people stood perplexed in their confusion, the scribes of the Parafin lamps came into their midst with scrolls for all to read. When the seals on the scrolls were broken, they were seen to be the chronicles of electoralis federalis through which Gambrach ascendeth to the throne after the quadranium of Gejoshaphat. And the people turned to the Chronicler and asked, “are these thy chronicles?” But lo, they were the chronicles of Gun Yi, who had served the late King Yaraz as Head Scribe.

And Gejoshaphath emerged from the shadows to denounce all that was chronicled of him and his beloved PeiPei in the scroll of Gun Yi. And yea, was there unchill as sleeping memories of electoralis were revived in all their bitter glory. But the King still spake not to the people.

Finally, on the day of Templing, King Gambrach returned from his secret mission and walked into the temple. Behold, the Lovengers were thrown into a revelling of ecstasy proclaiming, “Behold the king! See how he walketh briskly!” And so, was that day proclaimed the Day of Bobriskly.

And yet the King spake not to the people, muttering only the words “Inner Bah Yor”. “Hearest thou, thy king? He speaketh! Oh, he speaketh!” cried the Lovengers.

“What is ‘Inner Bah Yor’?” the people asked. “Is it a mystery of esoteric profundity? And by the way, where is the Moborius, favoured engraver and painter of the King? Twould have been great for him to record this moment for posterity!” But no one knew what Gambrach meant by inner Bay Yor, and no one knew the whereabouts of Moborius, though twas said that he was seen in faraway land, partaking in the new equestrian combat sport of freelancing, not to be mistaken with what the knights of the realm did.

And then word came to the people from senatii that a royal scroll had been delivered to Abushola and Gah-Ra, warden and prefect. “Tis a letter from the King”, Abushola declared. “I shall read it. It says, ‘Shooperoo and Warridoo, how’s it hanging, hombres? Just a line to bring to your attention that the Jandinian meisters have summoned me again and lo, I must depart. I know not the hour or day of my return, so do not ask me.  I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. Dooo doo dooo dooo dooo…when I see thee again. In the meantime, Osinoshin, my loyal Hand, whom thou knowest, shall handle the kingdom until I return. I know that ye wouldest find this pun funny, so ha ha ha. Peace out.”

Yea, did the breeze of unchill begin to percolate in the land. For it echoed the days of Yaraz and his journeys to the meisters in Sah Oud.

Then one of the senateens asked Abushola, “Oh Warden of the senatii and most excellent reader of the royal scroll! Pray, did the King say Oshinoshin would be Pretend King again or just a handler? If he saith only that the Hand would handle, not that he wouldst be Pretend King, we have a crisis most severe.”

Crisis, crisis, crisis!!! The cry went out of their chamber. And the unchill began to swirl. And yea, it took all the deftness that Abushola could muster to quell it. “The law of the land is clear! For as long as the king liveth yet visiteth the meisters, his Hand is Pretend King!”

“But his scroll…”

“Ignore the scroll, punks!”

And there was an easy unchill. Until news reached the people of yet another feast of savoury celebritine, as the daughter of Ban Gi Dah was wed to her betrothed. Yea, did all the private flying chariots in the land assemble at the castle of Ban Gi Dah. And lo, seated and feasting as brothers were Shiwajun, Gejoshaphat, Abushola, Shegolas and Ban Gi Dah – kings and lords for whom the Twilistines and Social Medianites and Digital Perusites had warred against themselves in electoralis. Smiling one to another at the same gaddem table!

The realisation hit the people that Apicuria and Padipalia were mere constructs in the mind of the hoi polloi. The hoi aristoi were one. And there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom!