Chronicles of Chill: The Bootyliciousness of Daisy-Annie

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Brethren, there continued to be unchill in the land. And across the Kingdoms, the people dared the gods, unmindful of the plagues of Gitis and flood with which they had struck the kingdoms of Gideria and Zamfarawayland for excessive illicit coitus. Yea, did they continue in their unbridled debauchery, breaking fornicatomatic records, pushing the needle of the fornicatometer to levels unseen since records began. And yea, did the gods unleash even an even greater deluge of floods upon the kingdoms. Behold, these floods were more dire than many had seen, submerging chariots. And the gods of subterranea were also vexed and regurgitated all the filth they had hidden and wawu, it was a fecund mess in the streets.

And the people cried, “Where is our King, that he might make intercessions and supplication unto the gods on our behalf? Oh, what a most useless and ineffectual king is Gambrach the Vanished!”

Their cries went unto Bedrock, into the chambers of the scribe FemCallamitus, who had been silent for many moons (having no gaddem king to or royal activities to record in the scrolls) and was green with envy at the acclaim that Dr Who, who was not even a courtesan, had received with his song in the Book of Face. Yea, had Dr Who received a commendation from Lady Yeeshah, as she joined her alto to Dr Who’s soprano.

“I have been silent for too gaddem long,” thought FemCallamitus to himself. “I am one of the top scribes of Gambrach my Lord and tis I who should write his canticles. When my King unvanishes, my song shalt be number one on the Gambrachian Griotic Charts. Yea, shall it be platinum.” And then he wrote, like a Kenneth Rojas.

Everyone considers him the worst King of the kingdom

He never stood a single time to prove the kingdom wrong

His Momma named him Gambrach but folks just called him Vanished

Something inside tells me, they’re reading Gambrach wrong

He’s weak like once King David was and spat on by Shimei

Shimei looked at David and concluded that he was dead

But like the sword of Abishai was given word by Sully

When my Gambrach cometh back, he’s going to chop your head. 

Gambrach my King, you remain the only one to save us all from trouble in the land; And even though you’re weak please don’t turn the other cheek, Oh Gambrach you are old but understand, you’ve gotta chop off heads when you’re a man.

And the people heard the song of FemCallamitus and laughed hard at his nincompoopery. Poopy Poopery.

And yea, in the midst of their mirth, news came to the people from Trumpstantinople of the booty of Daisy-Annie. You see, before Daisy-Annie became Gejoshaphat’s councillor for petrolatum, her booty was of a modest size. She had worked for Mollusca and her booty was nicely and judiciously oiled at the time. Lo, everything was nice and squeezy clean.

Alas, she met two men, whose actions contaminated the booty of Daisy-Annie. Their names were Luko Skywalker and Ko-Ray the Jedi. They promised Daisy-Annie a bigger and shinier booty if she used her powers as councillor to ensure they got the largest petrolatum harvesting fields of the kingdom’s petrolatum for their ventures.

Behold, she acquiesced to their request and maigheeeurd, did they inflate her booty. Not only did they fill her chest, they ensured she had the finest of castles and palaces.

However, the men were wreckless and spent like sailors. Alarmed, Daisy-Annie said to Luko Skywalker, “Spend not with such unchill. Why buyest thou a ship when thou canst hire it for only a short while?”

But Ko-Ray used his Jedi mind tricks on her. And she ceased in her admonitions. And yea, was her booty fattened even more such that her bootyliciousness breached the legal limit in Trumpstantinople.

“How much is this booty?” the people asked with great concern.

“It is a great and tremendous number.” said the Trumpetistani constables.

“How great and tremendous?” they pressed, “for we are wary of fake news from way down yonder.”

“Be assured the news is genuine and non-spicered. And ensure that ye are seated to hear the number, for it is several hundred millions of Trumpetistani shekels.”

“SEVERAL HUNDRED MILLION WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?”

The apostles heard of it. And there was not a gaddem speculum of chill in the entire kingdom!

​Notes from Westeros – what we learned from S7E1 by @EditiEffiong

Spoiler alert: if you haven’t seen Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 1, stop right here
Game of Thrones returned on Monday morning (Sunday for the lucky Americans), and it is everything we were expecting. We said our reluctant bye byes in season 6 after Cersei mass murdered every Sunday School teacher in Westeros,  so it was only fair the new season opened with some mass murder. And lawd, they were murdered.
The season opener was perfect, surely left a taste for what is to come. These are my thoughts from the S7 E1.
Cersei has done some redecorating around the throne room. We may not like Cersei, but we can all agree, the place was due some sprucing up. We all love the new Kings Guard uniform.

The Seven Pointed Star has been replaced by a Lannister Simba, and the top King’s Guard uniform screams murder

 

Arya Stark loves killing people. Remember when she was about to kill Walter Frey, she’s said the last face he’d see is that of a Stark, smiling down at him. Smiling!
Then after murdering the entire Frey clan, guess what was on her face? A smile. And when she talked about killing Cersei? She laughed.
I’m really worried that the young Stark girl may be so far gone, only killing brings her joy. In which case, we’re in a lot of trouble, when she is done killing everyone on her list.

I just murdered a hundred Freys. So sway!

The Meisters of the Citadel really need to stop eating beans. One would think men so wise would learn to eat less laxative foods. Except they’re just eating beans to spite poor old Sam Tarly.

All this shit? For what???

 

Brienne really needs to move on from her crush on the golden handed Lannister, so she can see the love Tommund has waiting for her. Considering Tommund is heading away to the wall, and likely will die there, she needs to hurry. And hurry fast.

Brienne, ne ma nya

Who doesn’t love Lady Mormont? She’s everything Westeros needs right now, if the war against the Night King is to be won. And when the war is over, they should her bring the head of the Night King. But knowing Lady Mormont, she just might be the one to chop off the icy head of the Night King.

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Una too talk! If to say na me born the dragons ehn…!!!

And Cersei again. Often, we are forced to admit Cersei’s brilliance, even though she’s a downright despicable human being. But in this episode, she displays uncharacteristic naïveté in still thinking Tyrion, her brother, murdered Jeoffrey. And her pointless hatred for Sansa Stark beggars belief. It’s this naive, us-against-the-world attitude that convinces that when her end comes, not many will mourn her.

But then, this is GOT, and we’ve seen stories change. Who would have thought The Hound could become a meek, praying, vision seeing, brother of the light?

The Chronicles of Chill: The Mufassification of Lady Yeeshah

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The clouds of sexit continued to swirl over Dinobetes Mellitus. But the name of Abushola was a strong tower – the frighteous run into it and yea, they are saved. And Dinobetes loved Abushola with all his might – even more might than with which he flung Abushola into the air following his triumph at Conductivitis.

“Dinobetes, my ‘tack dawg” said Abushola unto Dinobetes, “fear not, for I shall save thee from the machinations of Yaya Bellows. Muahahahaha!

At the following sitting of the Senatii, where the senateens considered various matters afflicting the Kingdom (for the pretense of the pretend-reign of Pretend King Osinoshin had yea and thence become a long thing), they considered the petition of the Kogitarians against Dinobetes.

Deputy Warden Equerry Mah-Doo rose up to address the senateens and said unto them, “Fellow Nassholes! Lend me you ears. I come to bury Bellows, not to praise him. The evil that Bellows does will live long after him if we do not quash it straightaway. For behold, if Bellows shall bellow Mellitus away, what shall become of us? Senateens, I do move that we block this gaddem thing!”

“Thou hast spoken well, Equerry Mah-Doo”, said Abushola, “for the success of Bellows might embolden the puppet king I installed in Kwarapotamia. We shall not just block the gaddem thing. We shall kill it and lo, it shall be dead on arrival.”

And then another one of the Nassholes stood up, by the name of Nzuzu Iberibe. “Yo, fellow senateens, as long as we be the ones who taketh charge, shall we not also take charge of the whole gaddem kingdom? I move that we make Abushola the Theatrical Pretend King of the kingdom in place of Pretend King Osinoshin.”

Yea, were the senateens visibly excited by the prospect. But Abushola was a man of timing. “Chill niccurs. This ain’t the time. Though ye knowest that the throne is the ultimate desire of my heart but take ye heed that whoever rusheth to grab it may yet get his hands burnt. Or worse, cut off, in a fit of Wahala Morghulis.”

And while they chilled in senatii, there was no gaddem chill in the entire Kingdom, for the people were amazed at the gall of the nassholes.

Yet, Dinobetes was not satisfied and he instructed Michaelangelo, his mighty learned man of silk, to extract injuctio dawonduro before the magistrate. But the magistrate was not prepared to change the status quo. And lo, the Commisar of Electoralis carried on uninterrupted and in House Mellitus there was no gaddem chill.

Meanwhile, in the kingdom of Gideria, King Ambasalom was doing his best to transform the Kingdom into a megakingdom. Behold, all those of minds that were not daily renewed unto megakingdomness, yea did he smash their dwelling places and cast them into the lagoon. Gideria was going to be a megakingdom gaddemmit, and like his brother King Roe Chazz in Imolek, Ambsalom was spoiling with Giderians with utmost in infrastructural kingdomhood. But the people of Gideria were unmindful of the words of King Ree Yah of Zamfarawayland of the dangers of excessive fornication. And as they revelled, they fornicated and fornicated until their fornicatometer passed the spiritual watermark of 40 forns. And the gawds were displeased  with the Giderians and looked through their rolodex of plagues for which one to send unto them. And brethren, homygheeeeeurd, it rained and poured and there was a flood upon the land. But Ambasalom was unbothered, for as far as he was concerned, his Kingdom was one of aquatic splendor and yeah he poppeth the best casks of ale at the wedding of the the children of King Ku Mo of Ogunsinia and Bee Ree, Gambrach’s advisor for Those Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom. And yea, it was turnt!

And while all this transpired, another senateen from the kingdom of Dunamis, sworn arch-enemy and arch-rival of King El-Farquaad, looked upon the affairs of the kingdom and overcome by the spirit of the tword, sang a lamentation unto the Kingdom, which was recorded in the Book of Faces.

“KAAAAASSSUUUUNNNNWENYAAAAAA YAMAYEEE SEEEMABBOOOO!!!!”

And the Social Medianites were like, “Say what, now?”

But the spirit was strong with the senateen, whose name was Dr Shey Who (or Dr Who for short). And he lamented again, “NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABAAAAAA!!!”

The people were still confused. But then Dr Who sang  in the common tongue thus –

From the day he arrived in the Palace and thinking he’d end corruption, there was more to see than he ever did see, more to do than our Gambrach has done…

And now the jackals and hyenas and their wives – the hyenanas – are praying in doubt, when before they would shout, now scheming how to take the throne…

It’s the circle of weak!!! Which our Lion King will return to destroy and he’ll bring us joy. Yes he’ll take his place in the path unwinding…”

And Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach the Vanished, saw the song in the Book of Face and herself began to prophesy. “Dry bones do live again, the prayers of the dog and baboon have been answered. The Lion King returneth and no longer shall he be called Gambrach the Vanished. He shall come back with the gift of the roar, descending with his Lion Guard, and his new name shall be Kion-Gambrach. And he shall put to shame Doc McStuffins, Sophia the First and all the sissy girls on Disney Junior. Behold, he shall chase the jackals and hyenas out of the Pride Lands. And the glory of Mufassa shall be risen upon him. Selah. ANYAMANISI NABABAII.

Brethren, ye knoweth the ending of the chronicle. Yes, indeed, the people looked around themselves in utter amazement and complete loss of chill. Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom.

Chronicles of Chill: The Voice – Season Two

The clouds of unchill continued to swirl over the Kingdom and behold a heavy thunderstorm of unchill rained down on the house of Dinobetes Mellitus.

Dinobetes had loved Abushola, the warden of senatii but hated the king of his own lesser kingdom, Kogitamia.

King Yaya Bellows of Kogitamia despised not being the beloved of Dinobetes. Yea, he saw Dinobetes grab Abushola and throw him in the air as he had thrown others before and hated that he the king had not been so royally manhandled.

And so he proclaimed, “Wahala Morghulis shall not end, for I shall unleash it on House Mellitus and have the people expel Dinobetes from senatii.”

Lo, did the men of Bellows traverse the kingdom collecting the signatures of the enfranchised. For it was the law of the land that if half their number petitioned the Commisar of Electoralis and affirmed their loss of faith in a member of the senatii at a referendum, the member would #Sexit.

“Maigheeeurd!” exclaimed Dino, as the petition of his constituents reached the Commisar. “What wouldst become of me if I sexit senatii? I must find a Pharisee versed in the law to save me.”

Yea, did he instruct Michaelangelo, a mighty man of the silk to counter-petition the courts on account of the men of Bellows breaking into tombs, placing quills in the decomposed hands of the dead and scrawling signatures on the petition. Necrocalligraphy at its peak.

And lo, it had been a season of fasting and prayer in the land. For 30 days, the people of the Great Prophet had fasted and as the 30 days ended it was time to break the fast with feasting and merriment.

It was the custom in the Kingdom for the King to declare the feast commenced and the people wondered if it would be the Pretend King that would speak to them.

But nay, Gar Bar, co-head scribe to Gambrach with FemCallamitus, announced that he was bringing an audial word from Gambrach.

And yea, the Lovengers were delirious.

And behold, the people gathered with their mats and popcorn all over the Kingdom to hear the voice of their long lost King.

Lo, was it like the time of Mah Roo, when he convalesced in Sah Oud and also sent an audial word unto the people, as Shegolas asked him, “Mah Roo, doth thou yet live & breathe?”

At last the hour of delivery came but yea, half of the people comprehended it not, as Gambrach spoke in the native tongue of the Fullanisters. It was a puzzlement. It was a formentor of unchill.

“Behold, the voice of thy King!” said Gar Bar.

But the people remembered the word of the singing prophets, Magic Système, which said “premier gâou n’est pas gâou…” and the words of former King of Trumpetistan, Giorgios Bushellopoulos, “…fool me twice, can’t get fooled again.” And they cried, “Noooo!!!!”

“Gambrach speaketh not with the rapidity of the audial. This audial was not punctuated with the kingly pauses and “uhhhh” of which our King speaketh. Furthermore, how be it that his first word to the kingdom in two score days and ten, wert not in Inglesius, which the whole kingdom comprehendeth? We shall not be deceived!”

And there was not a gaddem speculum of chill in the entire kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: Abusholan Victory & End of Wahala Morghulis

Justice

Lo brethren, a black spot of Wahala Morghulis had been delivered to Abushola and yea was a voice raised against him in Conductivitis and behold the Warden of senatii was charged with crimes of declarations in anticipation of milk and honey.

Yea, did the travails of Abushola linger and behold he tried his utmost to have the charges quashed. Daily he appealed the continuation of proceedings, alleging “whenst Shiwajun came before thee, didst thou not grant him the benefit of explicatio nigbatimensis? Why wouldest thou not extend me the same courtesy? Am I not also of ruling stock?”

Wherefore Shiwajun cackled and the furnace of the Wahala Morghulis was stoked.

And again, Abushola would petition all the courts in the land, repeatedly beseeching the magistrates for a way out of the Wahala. And again, they would send him back to Conductivitis. “Thou shalt answer for thine anticipation of milk and honey.” And Abushola did not relent. Yea was he relentless in seeking to avert justice, for nearly 24 moons.

Finally the day of judgement was at hand. The quills of the Kalahari Newsbearers told of clandestine meetings and facilitations between the men of Abushola and the heads of Conductivitis. Behold, Abushola was pronounced relieved of his duty to defend himself, as the prosecutors, ably supported with testimony from the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, were held not to have established a gaddem thing.

Behold, there was no chill in the land, as across the land, the death knell was sounded again for the battle of Gambrach against graft. But the heart of Dinobetes Mellitus was full and joyous, for he was a great stan for Abushola. And yea, did he pick Abushola up and throw him into the air – for it was said that he was well-practiced in human projectility.

And Abushola’s head squire, Banksamakemdance came into the streets with news of the attempted perversion by Worh Ray of the Kalahari Newsbearers. Yea, did he allege that Worh Ray had sent emissaries to demand one million trumpetistani shekels to recolour the news they bore of Abushola.

“And how didst thou respond?” the people asked Banksamekemdance.

“I kicked his emissary into the well, screaming, ‘Thisch! Isch! Twillistia!!!’”

Behold, all the Twillistians and Social Medianites shouted in acclaim of Banksamakemdance, “Awhoo! Awhoo!! Awhoo!!!”

It was in this time, or thereabouts, that Gar Bar, scribe of Gambrach, long since in a purdah of silence, emerged to declare a message from the King. Or from the office of the King. Or from the bed of the King clothed in his brown robes of convalescence and his white cap of mystical holiness in Jandinia. Or from somewhere purporting to be associated with the King. For the people had not heard directly from the King in over 6 moons.

“Behold the proclamation of King Gambrach, most divine majesty, conqueror of all afflictions including the Many Years disease, that the unsigned coinage of the Kingdom is most unbeneficial to the affairs of the Kingdom. Yea is the Kingdom halfway through its pecuniary year and behold have we been side-tracked in our most holy crusade against unclean graft. And now, the King giveth his permission to Osinoshin, who remains only the Pretend King, to endorse the coinage.”

Then, Pretend King Osinoshin signed the coinage of the kingdom. And it was a great day of pomp and ceremony. And the golden quill of coinage signing of Bedrock was retrieved from its holy ensconcement.  And the naysayers proclaimed, “Aha! All ye who seek Gambrach on the pretext that the Pretend King doth not pretend sufficiently. Behold his glorious signage of the coinage. Leave ye our Gambrach to convalesce in peace!”

But the people asked again, “Where is King Gambrach?”

And a famous man known as Thankful Peacock of Charr Knells also asked the question of Lar Yi. “O, Lar Yi, Councillor for the Propaganda, where stayeth our king?”

“His wife returneth anon from Jandinia, and she proclaimeth him in good recovery. And verily I say unto ye that I believe her.”

Thankful Peacock pressed further. “But doth thou know his condition? Is it the Many Years Affliction? The people deserve to know!”

“I know now except what his wife sayeth. And also that Osinoshin maketh contact with him daily.”

“Oh wow. Daily?”

“Yes! The Pretend King and the Vanished King converse daily!”

“Oh, tremendous. If the Vanished speaketh to the Pretence, perhaps he might yet speak to his people.”

“Let us watch and pray.”

And yea, as they watched, news came from the mini-olympiad in Oz-Low, not very far off from Jandinia, that a lady athlete from the Kingdom was contesting in the Jumpathon. Behold, she was a big blessing unto the Kingdom for many years and her name was Kah Ray. And Kah Ray ran for the jumpathon with tremendous speed, some say propelled by a special breath from Gambrach in nearby Jandinia. And yea, Gambrach breathed too hard, for the breath propelled her forward, but not the wig with which she covered her head. Gheeeurd, did the wig fall backwards as she landed. And man, there was no gaddem chill across the many kingdoms of the world.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: The Frabanian Sabbath of the Ipobusites

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There continued to be a mild discontentment in the land as the people heard not from their king. During his previous visits to the Janidinian meisters, there would be a flurry of visits from his courtiers and councillors, Shiwajun and Yeesha, and so on, all of whom would return with images of King Gambrach in his armor of Jandinia – his brown robe of convalescence and white cap of mystical holiness.

Yea, the Lovenger Scribes were silent. FemCallamitus had already written many Magnificats and Gar Bar had retreated into Pur Dah. Lay Si asked the sons of men who the Haramites would have stood for in electoralis, to the consternation of the people, but there was word from Lar Yi.

“The King remaineth in full control of the Kingdom. He speaketh to his council daily, even unto me. We come to the garden while the dew is still on the roses and voice we hear falling on our ear our lovely king disposes – and he walks with us and he talks with us and he tells us we are his own” he said.

“Then why speaketh he not with us?” the people asked Lar Yi.

“Well, maybe ye are not his own.” replied Lar Yi, full of sycophantic fervour.

And in that day came a man named Car Knoo. Car Knoo had returned from exile in Jandinia to raise a new tribe called the Ipobusites. And yea, was he a prophet, priest and leader unto his followers. Behold, he called for the land in the East of the South to be removed from the Kingdom, as it was sought to be in the day of Joo Kwoo.

For this, the Deliverance Squad Squadron delivered him into the dark dungeons of Kee Ree for 12 months, with only a semblance of a trial. Thrice did the magistrate order that he be released on bail and thrice did all the forces of the kingdom unlook. And yea, finally, in the vanishment of Gambrach from the kingdom, Car Knoo was released. And the Ipobusites rejoiced at the release of their prophet and high priest.

The other inhabitants of the kingdoms in the East of the South looked on in amazement at the growing tribe of the Ipobusites. Behold, the Ipobusinian priest called for all in the lands to observe a Frabanian Sabbath and not put hand to the plough, or seed in the soil, or seed in the hoo-ha. Yea, did all comply, Ipobusite and non-Ipobusite alike.

This thoroughly vexed the young Rewan men in the North, for Gambrach, their own High Priest and Saviour King was gone and it looked as if the kingdom would fall into the hands of Oshinoshin. And so they declared persona non grata all personas born in the East of the South of the Kingdom. It bore an uncanny resemblance to the season of Joo Kwoo and the Great Frabanian War.

And there was no gaddem chill in the land.

Lo, the people cried against the Rewanian Proclamation. “Oh, if only King Gambrach were here to unleash the dog and the baboon on these Rewanian Youths! Where is our King?”

And as sure as the sun riseth, the Lovengers lined up to defend the throne. “Why cry ye for Gambrach, when he handeth over the kingdom to Pretend-King Osinoshin?”

“But Osinoshin pretendeth too much and taketh the pretence too seriously. He pretendeth so much that he signeth not the coinage nor sweareth in the emissaries to foreign lands, nor the new councillors. Yea, tis as if this is an episode of whose line is it anyway? Is Gambrach still in Jandinia?”

Behold, at that very moment in Jandinia, Mei-Mei, the Queen’s first minister, leader of the Conservatories, full of the spirit of hubris, declared electoralis upon the kingdom. So sure was she of victory, that she freely mocked Kor Bin, leader of the Laboratti. And yea, was there a gaddem ripple throughout the cosmos, as Kor Bin and the Laboratti made gains and reduced Mei-Mei’s seats of strength and stability.

And the Lovengers of the Gambrachian provinces lamented with the Conservatories, saying, “if only Gambrach had appeared to Mei-Mei in his brown robe of convalescence and white cap of mystical holiness, yea would he have bestowed upon her his Katsinian and Kanonic voter magic to ensure her victory”. Alas, he was nowhere to be seen. And the people cried out yet again, “Where is our King? Is he even in Jandinia?”

And the Prophet Car Knoo spoke to the people saying, “it mattereth not whether thy king liveth in Jandinia or here or not. For my kingdom is at hand. And it shall be a great and awesome kingdom, never before seen. It shall bring a sabbath of awesomeness unto the land. Tremendous, like the Trumpet. Frabania lives – in Joo Kwoo, in me and in you! Behold, I have said it.”

And by gheeuurd, there was no chill in the Kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: Seasons of Empowerment

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A cloud gathered over the land as Gambrach departed from the Kingdom and lo, it was a cloud of whisperings. There were whisperings of a conditional abdication and severe resistance thereto from the high chiefs in the North. There where whisperings of a mutiny from the garrison. So loud where the rumours of the mutiny that the Lord General Rah Tye of the Dubailese Skyscraper Battalion had to stage a ceremony of fealty to the throne of Gambrach.

“We declare this day that our swords are for the Throne!”

“Uhm…those were the whisperings of which we were fearful” the people responded. “Ah, I see what you mean”, said the General. “What we mean is that we stand behind the Throne, ready at a word to strike!”

“Dude! Thou doth not make it better, bruh” the people replied again.

“Oh, come on! All right, no more euphemisms! We pledge allegiance to the Throne and shall leave matters of statehood to the Kings and counsellors in the land. Happy, now?”

Yea, did the people heave a sigh of relief. But it was only momentary, for the emissary of the Queen of Jandinia came to the people with a message.

“Behold! I come from Jandinia with a message for thee!” the emissary proclaimed.

“You bring news from our King?” the people asked him.

“No, I bring word from her majesty the Queen.”

“Oh, thou bringest a message from Lady Yeeshah?”

“No, my Queen. The Queen of Jandinia. The word from her throne is…”

“…but who you epp?” the people interrupted. “We want to hear from King Gambrach.” But eventually they let him speak, and he also had a warning for the garrison lest they mutiny.

Even Shiwajun spoke against these whisperings. “Behold, and I kid thee not. It shall be a heck of a Wahala Morghulis upon any mutineers. They may have all the swords and horses and arrows and shields and spears, and we may have nought but the hearts in our chests, yet shall our chests outnumber their swords and yea shall a holy Wahala Morghulis be unleashed on any soldier that seekest unfortunatecy.”

And the people were like, “Waaaaawu! Whose chests wouldst thou defend the kingdom with? Thine, surely?” And the thoughts of their chests being pierced with the armoury of mutiny filled them with sadness. Behold, news of their sadness came to the lesser kings. And they purposed in their hearts to do something to lift the sadness.

And yea, it was King Autumn of the kingdom of Ben Way who first came to the rescue of his people. My people need power, he thought. Power to be better. Power to do better. Power to resist the incursions of the land-grabbing herdists. Iskaba! Ben Way will be a flower to shower the people with an hour of empower! No longer shall they cower. Yea, they shall be like Jack Bauer in this hour that I empower. Iskelebete! I say they shall tower and their mood shall no longer be sour! Iskoloboto!!!

And in a frenetic fulmination of phantasmagoric and philanthropic forthcomingness, King Autumn ordered that each young man in the kingdom be given a wheelbarrow to ferry people around, as alternatives to the hackney chariots. For, he reasoned, if they ferry their fellow citizens about long enough, they shall grow in my biceptual  and triceptual stature. And yea, will they be empowered. Behold, I have fulfilled the prophecy of the great prophet, Dijanimus Khalidius – “major key”.

It was a farce. But the Lovengers, starved of anything Gambrachian to love, quickly bequeathed their blessings on Autumn. “Behold a great empowerment!” they declared. “Tis the greatest empowerment we have seen in a long gaddem time. When Gambrach returneth, ye shall see even more powerful empowerment, swearraghad!”

And behold, the people remembered Gambrach again. For lo, there was no news of him. Rather, there was more news from the high chiefs in the North. “Let it be known throughout the land that Gambrach will, shall, must compulsorily and irreversibly serve for two quadrannia on the throne. For it is written, ‘What do ye imagine against the King? He will make an utter end: affliction shall not rise up the second time.'”

“Yes!” said FemCallamitus. “I know not why the enemies of the Kingdom rage. Why do they seek the end of Gambrach’s reign? Have they ever seen a reign so beautiful and sweet? I don’t know much but I know I love him and that may be all I need to know. The King liveth. Even though he speaketh not to his people, nor attendeth to the affairs of the kingdom and spake not even unto me for several moons until the Day of Kingsleycost, yea, I know he liveth. How? Because it is truly amazing how he knocks me off my feet, every time he comes around me I get weak, no King has ever made me feel this way. Selah.”

“And let it be known” the high chiefs in the north continued, “that we are prepared for schism to rent the kingdom asunder should no heed be paid to our word. For reals, yo!”

And the clouds over the land continue to grow in size and darkness, and yea was there a rumbling in the firmaments above and a striking of lightning (for thunder striketh not, regardless of the opinions of the bumbum bard, Tee Maya). And behold, the cloud unleashed all the gaddem unchill inside it, as news reached the Twilistines that Shiwajun and Moozes, who had contested sorely against him, were reconciled. Worse, was news that Moozes was about to leave the house of Padipalia and join Shiwajun in Apicuria. The news was unleashed like a Gambrachian banter and there was no gaddem chill in all the land!

 

The Chronicles of Chill: Inner Bah Yor & the Handling Hand of the King

Hand.jpeg

In the second year of the first quadranium of King Gambrach, there was unrest in the land for the King had not been seen at successive meetings of his council. The people clamoured to behold their king and hear his soothing voice as he spoke to them yet again about his holy quest to rid the land of evil.

Unbeknownst to them, the King had embarked upon a very awesomely secret and mysterious mission, one whose secrecy was only exceeded in awesomeness by its mystery, and only a select few of his council knew whither he went. Lo, the mission was not even revealed to the chronicler and far be it from the Chronicler to accuse the revealing spirit of the Tword of unknowing.

“Where art thou, O Gambrach”, the people cried. “Speak to us, for the camp of your enemies whispereth that thou art ill.”

“Ye fear too much” said Lar Yi, the King’s councillor for propaganda. “For though the king be a septuagenarian, behold he is the septiest septuagenarian that ever was. Fear not, for he only worketh from home.”

And the people were confused. For Bedrock was the King’s home and the place from where he had always worked.

“Hath he moved to a different castle or palace?” the people asked. “Hath he another official residence? Thy explanation maketh no sense to us. Give us our king!”

Lar Yi cast an anxious glance at FemCallamitus. FemCallamitus looked nervously over his shoulder to see if Gar Bar was in their midst and knew what to say. But Gar Bar was nowhere to be found. It seemeth that he had accompanied the King on the mission most mysterious and secret.

“Look”, began FemCallamitus, “the King only followeth the orders of the meisters and yea, is he chillaxing, that his spirit and body may be renewed unto thy service.”

“But thou informest us previously that his fitness was fiddlistic. Didst thou declare unto us a falsehood?”

“No, twas true!” Lar Yi had come to FemCallamitus’s rescue. “The King taketh things easy, that he might convalesce.”

And the people looked at each other in befuddlement. “Thou confusest us big time, dude.” they said to Lar Yi. “Doth he work from his chambers or another palace or doth he convalesce?”

“Oh, look at that purple moonlight” exclaimed Lar Yi suddenly, pointing to the sky. And the people followed his gaze to see the purple moon. But behold, the moon was white and when they turned back to ask what he meant, both Lar Yi and FemCallamitus were gone. Twas a gbelonic-gbebonic scam.

Whilst the people stood perplexed in their confusion, the scribes of the Parafin lamps came into their midst with scrolls for all to read. When the seals on the scrolls were broken, they were seen to be the chronicles of electoralis federalis through which Gambrach ascendeth to the throne after the quadranium of Gejoshaphat. And the people turned to the Chronicler and asked, “are these thy chronicles?” But lo, they were the chronicles of Gun Yi, who had served the late King Yaraz as Head Scribe.

And Gejoshaphath emerged from the shadows to denounce all that was chronicled of him and his beloved PeiPei in the scroll of Gun Yi. And yea, was there unchill as sleeping memories of electoralis were revived in all their bitter glory. But the King still spake not to the people.

Finally, on the day of Templing, King Gambrach returned from his secret mission and walked into the temple. Behold, the Lovengers were thrown into a revelling of ecstasy proclaiming, “Behold the king! See how he walketh briskly!” And so, was that day proclaimed the Day of Bobriskly.

And yet the King spake not to the people, muttering only the words “Inner Bah Yor”. “Hearest thou, thy king? He speaketh! Oh, he speaketh!” cried the Lovengers.

“What is ‘Inner Bah Yor’?” the people asked. “Is it a mystery of esoteric profundity? And by the way, where is the Moborius, favoured engraver and painter of the King? Twould have been great for him to record this moment for posterity!” But no one knew what Gambrach meant by inner Bay Yor, and no one knew the whereabouts of Moborius, though twas said that he was seen in faraway land, partaking in the new equestrian combat sport of freelancing, not to be mistaken with what the knights of the realm did.

And then word came to the people from senatii that a royal scroll had been delivered to Abushola and Gah-Ra, warden and prefect. “Tis a letter from the King”, Abushola declared. “I shall read it. It says, ‘Shooperoo and Warridoo, how’s it hanging, hombres? Just a line to bring to your attention that the Jandinian meisters have summoned me again and lo, I must depart. I know not the hour or day of my return, so do not ask me.  I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. Dooo doo dooo dooo dooo…when I see thee again. In the meantime, Osinoshin, my loyal Hand, whom thou knowest, shall handle the kingdom until I return. I know that ye wouldest find this pun funny, so ha ha ha. Peace out.”

Yea, did the breeze of unchill begin to percolate in the land. For it echoed the days of Yaraz and his journeys to the meisters in Sah Oud.

Then one of the senateens asked Abushola, “Oh Warden of the senatii and most excellent reader of the royal scroll! Pray, did the King say Oshinoshin would be Pretend King again or just a handler? If he saith only that the Hand would handle, not that he wouldst be Pretend King, we have a crisis most severe.”

Crisis, crisis, crisis!!! The cry went out of their chamber. And the unchill began to swirl. And yea, it took all the deftness that Abushola could muster to quell it. “The law of the land is clear! For as long as the king liveth yet visiteth the meisters, his Hand is Pretend King!”

“But his scroll…”

“Ignore the scroll, punks!”

And there was an easy unchill. Until news reached the people of yet another feast of savoury celebritine, as the daughter of Ban Gi Dah was wed to her betrothed. Yea, did all the private flying chariots in the land assemble at the castle of Ban Gi Dah. And lo, seated and feasting as brothers were Shiwajun, Gejoshaphat, Abushola, Shegolas and Ban Gi Dah – kings and lords for whom the Twilistines and Social Medianites and Digital Perusites had warred against themselves in electoralis. Smiling one to another at the same gaddem table!

The realisation hit the people that Apicuria and Padipalia were mere constructs in the mind of the hoi polloi. The hoi aristoi were one. And there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom!

The Chronicles of Chill: The Seventh Bravo Chamber of Gawd

Cave with money

“My Lord the king is slow to hear, because of his affliction with the Many Years’ Disease, but the moment he heareth, behold he swingeth into action.” 

These were the words of one of the many bards of King Gambrach. And yea, did the words come to pass with the King’s banishment of Balavida from his council. The King had finally read of the curious case of corruptio korikonensis  and kwarapta intrusivo and had recanted his infamous Balavidan epistle. And yea, it was FemCallamitus, now shorne of his Kingsleycostlian euphoria that brought the news to the people that Gambrach has commanded his Hand, Osinoshin, to head the inquisition into the unfortunate grass species that prevented succour from reaching those that had been displaced by the cursed tribe of Boko.

And lo, was there another that was banished from the kingdom and marked for inquisition by Osinoshin. His name was Okey-Dokey and he was head of the kingdom’s league of espions. Why was he banished? Well, brethren, it was to do with that ancient prophet Flowing Rider again. For yea, they blew his whistle baby, whistle baby and the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission blew down the doors of a castle in the ancient city of Koh Yi.

As the Everlies swarmed the seventh bravo chamber of the castle, they came upon nought that the Brotherhood of the Blowing Whistles had promised. And then the spirit of another ancient prophet, Oceanic Billy, came upon Magoo and he screamed, “TEAR DOWN THESE WALLS!” And lo, behind the walls were caverns. And yea, when the caverns were smashed was there revealed an almighty haul of tremendous coinage, totalling 47 million Trumpetistani shekels.

GADDDDEEEEMMMMMMM!!!!

Brethren, the unchill that followed was so severe that the Everlies counting the haul broke out in severe perspiratory malaise. Never had the people seen so much coinage in flesh. Even in the famous dramatisation entitled “Coinage Speaketh” featuring the great actors Christopher Tuckerson and Jackson Chan-El5, when the bad guys demanded the 50 million shekels, Tuckerson exclaimed, “who thinkest thou that thou kidnappest? Vauxhall Hallmark?”

And the people demanded in their extreme unchill, “who owneth the seventh bravo chamber?” And speculatio randumus ensued. Some said it belonged to Rotimachus, others said it belonged to Mooh Azooh, former Head of House Padipalia. Some said it belonged to “special friend” of Rotimachus and very quickly Moprah Budfrey came into Twilistia denying that she was a special friend of Rotamachus or that he bequeathed the seventh bravo chamber to her, or that she even owned the seventh bravo chamber. And all believed her, so like Christo Fresh, they said, Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh! Yeah!

Behold, Mooh Azooh also claimed absolutely no knowledge of the ownership of the seventh bravo chamber. First he disavowed the the castle but his disavowment of the castle was quickly disavowed by they who built the castle. So, Mooh Azooh returned to admit that the castle was built at his behest. “People of the Kingdom, tis true I disavowed the castle but yea, did I lie. For the castle was built at my behest but lo, did I not have coin to repay the bank that lendeth me the money. And lo, did they repo my ass. Behold, I own now only a fraction of the castle and knoweth not who owneth the seventh bravo chamber.”

And yea, did 72 hours pass and the ownership of the chamber remain a mystery. Finally, the league of espions laid claim to the vast coin declaring, this money belongeth to our league, for our operations most very covert and down-low. Selah and let it be.

But Gambrach was neither a fan of the Beatles or Paul McCartney and he wouldst not let it be. “In this time of recessio economicus this vast amount of Trumpetistani coin exists without my knowledge???”

And Okey-Dokey replied him, “Your Grace, the clue existeth in the words ‘covert’ and ‘down-low’, bruh. Our league of espions is on a most clandestine mission and the Magoorian Everlies have compromised us.”

“Thou compromisest me, Okey-Dokey!!!” exclaimed Gambrach in royal frustration. “I shall be compromised no further. Summon Osinoshin!” And thus, were Balavida and Okey-Dokey banished from the Kingdom until Osinoshin determined their culpability.

The winds of Malabootay still blew across the land, with foreign scribes accusing King Gejoshaphat of enriching himself unlawfully, to which he replied, “my intercontinental stature riseth and this troubleth you. Haters gon’ hate, ballers gon’ ball and I feel pity for you all.” Semen from the play of Beegue Braw Thurr was not receiving due ostracisement for his molestations, Gambrach had forgone 2 meetings of the council of the kingdom for what Lar Yi termed ‘lighter affairs’. Of course, there was no gaddem chill in all the land!

The Chronicles of Chill: By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them

Watermelons

Brethren, there was finally chill in the land. It was not the chill that passeth understanding for this chill was well understood. It was the chill of the drama that bowled the kingdom off its feet. It was a stage drama scripted by the Orwellian playwright, Monsieur Beegue Braw Thurr of Paris.

For 3 score and 1 and a half dozen days, Beegue Braw enthralled the kingdom with its array of thespians, with names such as the kingdom had never seen before and behold, there was a grand prize for the greatest actor in the play. The people forgot about King Gambrach, who had said and done and was seen very little since he returned from Jandinia. Lo, Gambrach said it unto the people that he would be returning to the Jandinian meisters to perfect his convalescence and yea, was it greeted with a cacophony of silence. An almighty kerfuffulous scandal broke, showing the debauchery of malabootay and yea, was it unlooked by all and sundry, and there was chill.

Brethren, yea was it the season of the ancient prophet Flow Rider and the lost tribe of the whistle blowers. Behold, they blew his whistle baby, whistle baby and let the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission know about vast swathes of coin stolen by officials of the Kingdom. The brotherhood of the Flow Riders blew hard, for an inheritance was promised unto them that revealed. And the whistles only blew of Gejoshaphatic pilferage, for the Kingodm of Gambrach was upright and holy.

And there was chill in the land.

But then, the spirit of the Tword swept through the kingdom and saw the people in a state of unprecedented sub-chill. So happy and chilled were they and so bereft of the burdens of the kingdom had they become that unmarried many and unmarried man clung to women that were neither their wives and copulated in unbridled chillaxation. Such unbridled coitusification rose as a stench and the spirit of the Tword was so displeased that it sent a plague upon the the fetid fields of fornication.

Or so it was said by Ree Yah, the king of the lesser kingdom of ZamfarawayLand, which worst struck by the plague. And yea, was it a plague of Jye-Tiss. King Ree Yah was confounded by the plague and enquired of the court vizirs the source of the scourge. And he went into prayer himself, where it was revealed to him that the plague was sent upon the land because the fornicatometer had passed 40 forns (the metric unit of measurement). “My people, the spirit of the Tword is displeased and we have offended him sorely with our combustions of the flesh. This scourge of Jye-Tiss is upon us for we have exceeded 40 forns. We shall appease the spirit, as is the custom of our state, by the king taking a new teenage bride. And then we must do our best to keep our fornicatometer between 19 and 35 forns only, lest we be visited with another plague.”

And even then, brethren, there was only a mild, fleeting unchill. For the people watched the play of Beegue Braw Thurr. Until the play ended and the actors all exited left. Then, the chief scribe of Gejoshaphat (thou rememberest him, surely), Roo Ben dug out his quill and wrote of the play of Monsieur Beegue.

“My soul magnifies all the gods old and new for the ending of the play of Monsieur Thurr, for it was a gaddem distraction from the whinings of the kingdom. Never have I, Roo Ben, seen such a bad play about grocery in my life. For I know my onions. And I know my fruits. And I know too well when fruit oligarchs masquerade their products with sultry satire.

“In the play of Monsieur Beegue, there were lost of bananas on display. SoLah TiDoh, one of the lady actors, loved the bananas of her male counterparts quite openly. But they were bad bananas. How do I know this? Because I also have a banana. And while I was in the king’s court, I received praise for my premium banana, disbelieving the lies of those who claimed they had seen better bananas. In fact, my banana was once thought to be a plantain and another a cucumber. The cucumber person was colour blind in their left eye though.

“And then there was Left-Eye, the posh actress of mixed heritage who put her fruits on display, claiming that they were fruits that were loved by the high-flying men of the winged chariots in the sky. Gurrrrl, because of my time in the king’s court, I know a thing or two about the favoured fruit of the frolicking affluents. I have seen better fruit than Left Eye had to offer. I see better fruit all the gaddem time. And unlike the downward pointing mangoes and oranges Left Eye put on display, the men of the flying chariots prefer pumpkins and watermelons and coconuts.

“You see, to be a man of discernment is a lifetime’s work. And I have developed quite a taste for fruit. A man of discernment knows his fruits.”

And mygheeeeeurd, did unchill return with a righteous vengeance! Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom!