The Chronicles of Chill: Days of Banishments & Fake Tidings

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The pestilence of unchill continued to hang over the kingdom of Gambrach but reprieve came in the month of the feast of nativitus. Yea, was it turnt, as the people rose in one accord to eat, drink and be merry, lest they perished.

In that time, there was another wedding of celebritine savour, as the Princess of Ko Tow, daughter of King Tambourine was joined in wedlock to the son of Ser Galman of the province of Snap, Crackle and Pop. And as the hoi aristoi revelled in the celebritine savour of the moment, behold men of the Hezbollah descended upon them and smashed their gourds of expensive mead. Ol’boy!!!!

The Hezbollah were the petit gendarmes of Ko Tow and were pitifully unaware that the were only free to hezboll occasions and venues lacking in celebritine; that their mandate could by no means extend into the courts of King Tambourine. Behold, before the children could recite their favourite nursery rhyme “rice smuggled hot, rice smuggled cold, rice smuggled in a truck, 9 days old“, King Tambourine banished them into inexistence.

In the south of the land, news reached the people that, further to an edict from Obeezee4Sheezee, prefect of commercial reporting in the kingdom, GoDaddy, the supreme domain registrar at roccing dot come, relinquished his seat as supereme overall in the land to another.

Roccing dot come was one of the most famous domains of religion in the land and GoDaddy  one of the most renowned supreme overall domain registrars. Another famous registrar, though far less so, was Osinoshin the Comer Comelion, Hand to Gambrach.

And behold, the people of the domain were aghast at the loss of GoDaddy. Other domainers from other domains were also fearful, that the edict would also lead to the loss of their supreme overall registrars, such as PapaDontPreach, Kum’Bayah, Soul Glo, and so on. “Whither the dominion in the land, and the domains, if these great registrars are to be banished?” they cried.

But the domainers need not have feared. For the next morning, before the children could sing their second favourite nursery rhyme, “Ol’ Go slow yes they rob I, strand I still I standing still”, Gambrach arose from deep slumber and banished Obeezee4Sheezee from the prefecture. (Ol’GoSlow was a melody made famous by the great bard Marley Majek. Song otherwise called Redemption Camp).

Many in the land said that Osinoshin had whispered into the non-ManyYears ear of Gambrach, but the Chronicler be not a bearer of fake tidings that have not been brought by the revelation of the Tword.

For fake news was a pestilence, even far away across the sea in Barackistan, where the sun was setting on the second and final quadrannium of the king. A new King, King the Trumpet, was about to blow himself from the Hill, and rechristen the Kingdom Trumpetino.

And behold, sad tidings of great scorn were brought to them and all mankind, that Vladz the Bahdt Guyz had hired the greatest mystic marabouts from the Far East to conjure up demons to impugn the integrity of electoralis in that land. Twas also said that the demon Nepotisto was going to follow the Trumpet into the Palace. But he called it all fake tidings – “Behold, my sons shall administer my trade empire, and the said affairs will not intersect with the affairs of the kingdom, For I have commanded them never to discuss my empire with me. And I am nothing if not a man of honour and the truth always. Yea, does it make me and my hands tremendous.”

The King of the kingdom of Zico, neighbour to Trumpetino, heard the proclamation and said “What? Oh no, thou didsnt!”

*We now take a break from the regular chronicles to bring you a message from our Papyrus sponsor…hehehe…just joke of Chronicler and unique way to segue back to the land of Gambrach…*

Because, in the land of Gambrach, news reached the people that the coin of Daisy Annie was about to be confiscated by the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission. Yea, was Daisy Annie still not seen in the land, but it was said that the Everlies had found One gross, Half a Score and Three million Trumpetinion coins in her bank. Some rejoiced, some called it fake tidings, for it was a tremendous amount of money.

And back in Trumpetino, the King of Zico could no longer maintain his chill. “Listen here, the Trumpet” he began,”thou callest thyself a man of truth, yet thou lyest to the Trumpetinians. Trumpy why you lyin’? Oh my gawd! Tell me you lyin’? Thou lyest that thou wouldst build a wall and we the Zicans shall pay. Once have I said it, twice has my voice gone out. Now let it be known, that there is no gaddem way I shall be paying for thy focken wall.”

Whoooooooosh! That is a sound ye knowest. Tis a sound that tells you that throughout the land, throughout the gaddem stratos, there was not an iota of chill anywhere.

The Chronicles of Chill: The Savor of Celebritine

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Brethren, the chill in the land was an uneasy one because there was much wailing. The wailing was louder than it ever was or ever had been because the Lovengers were wailing as well. No more did they take pride in the King’s posture, no basked in the glory of his utterances nor inhaled deeply the fragrance of his kaka. The wailing reached Bedrock, but all refused to hear it for it was better to be infused with the membrane of the Many Years’ disease, which troubled the King.

The people were united in their wailing for many-a-reason. The Iron Bank of Boo Jar had run out of copper and had taken to disbursing coins of wood. Mefilius ensured that that the King and his councillors had all the wooden coin they needed, in copious amounts. The councillors were mildly worried that the coin of the Kingdom was flammable and combustible but it took care of their many needs.

At senatii, Dinobetes Melitus presented the matter of the camp of the displaced and the corruptio korikonensis. For word had come forth that the council for that Balavida, who was squire to the King’s council, had been put in charge of the succour-bringing intervention council of Gambrach and had paid himself from the King’s purse to cut the corruptio korikonensis. And the men and women of senatii were filled with rage and called for Gambrach to relieve him of his post.

Word reached Balavida that this was the will of senatii concerning him and he said unto them with full vim and vigour, “Ye people of senatii, ye speakest rubbish. Know ye not with whom ye dealest? Una head no correct.” And the senatii heard it and they were like, “Wawu! The effrontery! How dare he say this?” And Abushola, warden of senatii, whose travails were now long since forgotten, for whom wahala was no longer morghulis, said “‘Tis a very serious matter before us brethren Balavida messeth with our swag!”

Brethren, ye know that of all the swag in the land, of all the imbuement of the sweet aroma of gravitas, none was more endowed than E-Dawg, councillor for petrolatum. And E-Dawg had been busy, yo. E-Dawg had voyaged to the congress of the Oligopoly of Petrolatum Conjurers and after a conclave with them, it was agreed that all but the Kingdom of Gambrach would conjure less petrolatum. And as E-Dawg stepped out of the conclavic congress, behold, the prayers of Gambrach were answered, as the price of petrolatum ascended.

And the people asked him, “How achievest thou this feat, E-Dawg?” And he answereth unto them, saying “You know, I’m just gonna be straight with you mehnn…it’s my pimping navy blue suit. You put on pimping threads and keep things 1 hunned, let me tell you mahn, can’t nobody take ya pride, can’t nobody hold you down, oh no, you’re gonna keep on moving. Peace out.” And E-Dawg left them marvelling at the trail of swag he left behind.

In further account of marvelousity, a new spirit traversed the land. The people were divided in their reception of the spirit, for it was unlike the spirits of Wawu and Egbami to which they had grown accustomed. To some it was a benevolent spirit, to others it had a malevolent agenda. It was a spirit of ponzification and its name was MoolahMagicMarvel. It strongly possessed the people of the land causing them to bring their coin, scarce as it was, with a promise to marvelously and magically multiply it. The bankers of Boo Jar warned the people but they would not heed the word, and many emptied their coffers into the temple of MoolahMagicMarvel. For a while, the spirit kept its promise and more followers came. One morning, as the devotees gathered for worship, the temple was sealed shut and the sexton passed a message from the priests unto the people. The spirit though pleased with them was unhappy with their lack of faith and would cause them to desire him more be departing from them for 2 moons!

“Whither our coin?” the people asked. The sexton replied “It is safe in the temple.”

“But we are in need of our coin. In dire need of it. Some of us have sold land, others abandoned our education. What shall we do.”

“Ye shall occupy until the great spirit returneth. Forget ye not, that the most benevolent great spirit had admonished thee, that thou bringest only thy spare coin? If ye doest beyond this and heedeth not the admonition of the great spirit, thou art O-Y-O.”

And brethren, there began to be unchill.

Back in senatii, Magoo awaited confirmation of his appointment as chief of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission – so that he he would really begin his war of marvel, awe and shock against graft in the land. But a scroll had been delivered to senatii, from the Deliverance Squad Squadron, that Mr Magoo did not come to their equity with clean hands. Mr. Magoo neverhessperredit and quickly sent a pigeon to Kyocera, head of the Squadron.

“Dear Kyocera, senatii sayeth unto me that thou bringest a word against me. How can this be? Together we wrought havoc on corrupt judges, not giving a second thought to due process. Thou wert Butch Cassidy and I thy Sundance Kid. Thou wert Batman and I thy Robin. Thou wert Aki and I your PawPaw. Thou knowest, surely that Nollywood maketh not a movie with just Aki! Thou art but the fakest guy.”

Kyocera received the missive from Mr. Magoo and quietly wrote back by return pigeon. “Behold, it is written, on the evil day many will say to me, Dawg, Dawg, ridest I not with thee? Breakest I doors down not with thee? Arresteth not I the grafters in thy name? And I shall say to them, not everyone that rideth with me be my homeboy. Depart from me for I knowest thee not. I say these not to thee however, until thou callest me a fake guy. Behold my pettiness!”

Such was rare in the land and the people thought this meant trouble for Mr. Magoo. But there was an ancient pharisee in the land, much revered, much versed in the law of the land. So versed was he, that he had written several scrolls. And his name, aptly, was Sagacious. Gambrach had appointed Sagacious as chief of the king’s advisory council on graft (another council, yes, the chronicler only records the Tword as it is revealed). Since Sagacious became a courtesan, it seemed to the people that his voice had changed. Sagacious came to the people and said, “In the matter of Mr. Magoo, the most unprecedentedly competent head of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, we shall be ignoring the law of the land, ignoring senatii, and we shall leave Mr. Magoo there for as long as we like. Thus sayeth me! And I say, as Judge Dredd sayeth in the original Stallone movie (not the dreary Karl Urban remake), I AM DE LAW!!!!”

And there was amazement at the words of Sagacious. And there again began to be even more unchill. But a storm was coming, for Gar Bar, head scribe to Gambrach had found his voice again and spoke to the people as it concerned the wedding of Asos and Noodlinho.

“O wretched people of the land, downtrodden of the earth, hoi polloi of our society, ye knowest that the wedding of Gambrach’s daughter Asos to her betrothed, Noodlinho, is ordinarily an occasion of pomp and pageantry – an occasion full of celebritine savor. I say this not unaware of your tribulations; but ye are wretched and my voice, the voice of Gambrach is a blessing unto thee!”

The people were taken aback.

“In a medium-rare, well done, or perhaps only a rare twist, depending on how much thou likenest a twist to a steak, the King has insisted that this wedding shall be entirely private affair.”

The people were confused. But Gar Bar continued.

“This celebritine savor will yet permeate this glorious occasion. Thy king is the bestest most humblest king ever and he protesteth at feeding his guests at the wedding banquet from the Kingdom’s purse. We, his glorious aides, including Balavida – he who cutteth corruptio korikonensis and payeth himself handsomely with money from the King’s purse – have taken it upon ourselves to feed the King’s guests. Thank us, ye peasants, and smell the savour of our magnanimity!”

Behold, chill again departed the land!

The Chronicles of Chill: Kwarapta Intrusivo

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Brethren, electoralis came and went in Ondonia and the people were blessed with a new king, Ketinski. The emergence of Ketinski from House Apicuria had sore vexed Shiwajun and it was said that Shiwajun stood with another at electoralis. Alas, there was to be no Wahala Morghulis unleashed this time. And for a while, there was chill.

This was until word reached the people that Gambrach had delayed the joining of his daughter Asos, to Noodlinho. It was said that the people of Noodles came with much lavishiousness to the house of Gambrach forgetting that he was a still in his heart an ascetic man of Gunn. But Noodles promised to do his utmost best to appear less lavish and all was quickly well and there was chill.

Even in the council of Gambrach there was chill. No word was heard from Lar Yi for many moons – twas said that he said, in his inner chamber, that there was only so much plaster that could be plastered on a wall. Mefilius had abandoned the Iron Bank of Boo Jar and was touring the country looking for new fragrances of rice to sniff. “I shall not return to Boo Jar until I have smelt all the rices of the world!” he declared. Woo Doo, who was councillor for farming held his peace, for it was okay to have your guy do some of your work for you.

For DaKidney, there was an inter-kingdom duel of women athletes, holding in the neighbouring Kingdom of Mei Roon. And DaKidney, who was Gambrach’s councillor of athletism, told his fellow councillors, “Behold and Yo, I head to Mei Roon.” Shittinski was jealous and said to DaKidney, “How I wish that I couldest change my name to DaGlove and roll with thee to Mei Roon.”

But Shittinksi had troubles to tend to at home. For the meisters of telefonia, under his prefecture, had announced to the people that a higher levy was henceforth payable on telefonestations (a super means of communication). And a cry rose from the people and went to Shittinski and they said, “Shittisnki! Or DaGlove! However thou choosest to be called. Hear our cry. Is it right, what the meisters would do to us? Wilst thou sit aside and observe?” And Shittinski replied, “Thou callest my names well but I am merely a courtesan of Gambrach. Yes, the meisters are under my prefecture but I know not whether they be right or wrong.” And then he shrieked, hee-hee, and grabbed himself in the region which if he were a woman, in the nature of Trumpet, would be his p…shahmawn! Never mind.

And in this time, the female athletes had been victorious and had triumphed over all the other kingdoms. Behold, the people were ecstatic as the brave warrior women received their crowns. But it was not long before news reached the people that no payment had been made to the athlete ladies. After the embarrassment of Olympia, the people were sure that lightning could no strike twice. But they were shocked, for DaKidney explained to them in his most confident voice “Verily, I say unto thee, I now work tirelessly to see that these beautiful falcon athletes get their coin. They would indeed have received their coin but alas, we did not expect them to win the inter-Kingdoms in Mei Roon. Yes, tis true that they have triumphed 7 out of 9 times and my surprise is a surprise to you, but had we known that they stood a REAL chance of winning, we would indeed have prepared their coin.”

The spirit of Wawu dwelt amongst the people already, so they were not shocked at DaKidney. Nothing shocked the people anymore. Well, almost nothing, for in North Easteros, a little storm was brewing. Not the evil force of the evil tribe of Boko but still, connected with to the people driven from their lands by the tribe. Gambrach had commissioned a special intervention council to bring succor to the displaced, but there was a huge, huuuuuge problem encountered by the intervention council. On their way to the camp of the displaced, they ran into a huge forest of tall grasses, of the specie corruptio korikonensis, also known as CK. The CK was so dense that they had to expend 200 million Mefilian shekels on clearing the grass.

Once it was cleared, they continued on their journey into the camp of the displaced, singing that ancient motivational song, Follow the Yellow Brick Road. Not long after, they came across yet another swamp of obstructive weeds. They did their very best but the weeds were really obstructive. This is because these new weeds were of the specie kwarapta intrusivo. They thought long and hard about it and realised that they had no choice but to spend a few hundred more Mefilian shekels clearing it.

Such was their hard luck, that by the time they reached the camp of the displaced, there was very little left of the money to feed the displaced. If not for those dastardly forest species blocking the yellow brick road. But it got worse, for senatii wished to take a look at the activities of the intervention council and they found that two and a half billion shekels of the succor-bringing funds could not be accounted for. And lo, they looked closer and found the Majirian Institutions of Learning whose existence had previously been denied.

And there was chill because everyone was tired, and we cannot come and go and die.

The Chronicles of Chill: In the Midst of Unchill…

 

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As the reign of Gambrach rolled on, the twelfth month of his appointment of his Council came to pass. The people cast the eyes of their minds back over the year to consider all the Council had achieved over the year. Lo, they looked, and what they saw stretched to the ends of what their minds’ eyes could see. Behold, it was a gigantic, stupendous, impressively robust agglutination of nothing and hot air.

Osinoshin the Comer Comelion was still coming and going with dreams of what the King would someday do. Yudo Mah had lost the coinage of the land to the demon Missingstopheles, Shittinski had spent the entire year admiring his newly sequinned glove. Fasholas, past Giderian king, had spent it blaming the reign of Gejoshaphat for his confoundment. Kem Shun had grown increasingly reticent, perhaps because there was no longer anything new that could be said. Mefilius to tinker with the coin with skoinskoin, the ancient financial philosophy of Wan Tchans, leading to a recessive depression in the land.

The people cried out to Gambrach, believing there was a balm in the Gilead of Bedrock but Gambrach had other things on his mind. Asos, his daughter the fair maiden, was to be wed with the son of Noodles, man of great wealth. And when the wedding was announced, unchill swept through the land, for Asos was only a score and one year old, and as such, only three years into adulthood. But she was full grown and her betrothed wealthy. Furthermore, Gambrach had assured the people that the joining of his daughter and the son of Noodles in matrimony would not be a lavish affair. Even the Lovengers had stopped living by every word that proceeded from the mouth of Gambrach, but on this occasion, the people decided to wait and see.

It was also in that time that Lord Soukey, the father of Darth Soukey, deposed Tsar of Koh Toh, died. Darth Soukey remained in the prison, with no progress on his trial, as between Mr. Magoo and the Deliverance Squad, they were yet to gather evidence upon which he could be convicted. Darth Soukey was restrained from attending the funeral of his father, for the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission was afraid that Darth Soukey would find refuge with the monarchists loyal to the Soukey royal house and no longer be available to be held indefinitely by them.

Luckily for Soukey, former king Gejoshaphat under whom he served, was around to ensure that the sting of his absence would not be too severe. As Gejospahat’s chariot rode into Koh Toh, he was welcomed by many people greeting him happily. “Oh Gejoshaphat, how we hunger and thirst for thy second coming! Oh that thou wouldst come back and be our king again in the next quadrannium!” And yea, did they also line up to bid him farewell after Lord Soukey was interred, and watch his chariot disappear in the distance.

As Gejoshaphat’s chariocade disappeared, news reached the Twillistines and Social Medianites that the men and women of junior senatii had arranged for the procurement of 2 gross, 1 score and 1 dozen brand new chariots. Already ensconced in unchill, the people were very irritated. “How dare these junior senatines do this in the midst of our woes? Know they not that many workers whose wages are paid from the coin have yet to be paid? See they not our suffering?”

To which the spokesperson of juior senatii responded, “Oh ye Twillistines, ye are our brethren. We do not buy these chariots to ride over your corpses into glory. No! We buy them to enable us do our glorious work of making laws for you. Yea, many of us were poor and chariotless like you before we entered into the junior senatii. We can no longer just be walking upandan like ye do, to do our work.”

But the people were not appeased, and they grumbled loudly. So loudly, that a former member of Gambrach’s former house (for Apicuria was a fusion), a man named Boo Bar remarked in the village square, “Alas, pity for Gambrach filleth my heart, for everyone has turned against him, even the Lovengers for whom he could previously do no wrong. Verily, I say unto him, that if he put himself forward for electoralis into the next quadrannium, I do not see him emerging victorious.”

Boo Bar’s statement was heard very promptly in Bedrock. Many Years did not keep this prophecy from being heard. Immediately, Gar Bar’s quill swung into action. “Oh, Boo Bar, thou hater! Why speakest thou of a thing thou knowest not? For thine information, each person that supported Gambrach before still standeth behind him gidigba! For he stealeth not their money. And he keepeth corruption at bay by stiffling commerce, so that rulers of the land have less to steal. Thou hatest Gambrach longtime because he giveth thee no appointment like he giveth his ride or die homies. I wouldest that thou be better, not bitter.”

And it was time for electoralis in Ondonia again, following quickly after that of Edossopotamia. In Edosspotamia, the 2 quadrannia of Sho Mo Leh were up, just as the quadrannia of Mee Koh in Ondonia. And in the midst of the storm of unchill swirling through the land, there were whispers. Whispers that Shiwajun would no longer stand with House Apicuria in Ondonia…

 

 

The Chronicles of Chill: TRUMPet from the Hill

Blow ye the trumpet in Zion, and sound an alarm in my holy Hill: let all the inhabitants of the land tremble: for the day of the Lord cometh, for it is nigh at hand… – Joel 2:1

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And so, after the declaration of King Gambrach that Lady Yeesha belongeth in his other room, Lady Yeesha raised herself up in the fulness of swagger and summoned the Queens of the Continent from the other rooms of their kings to a summit in Bel Jom. Lo, did she drape herself in the luxury finery of renowned garment maker Fer Gammo and all who beheld her exclaimed, “Yasss!” for she slayeth like a bad chick.

In that time, the pecuniary unchill which encampeth around the Iron Bank of Boo Jar and maketh the coin of the land unfloated, Moozes who contendeth with Ambsalom for the Kingdom of Gideria looked at his diminishing stock and sayeth unto himself, ‘How many of Gejoshaphat’s former councillors still have food to spare in spite of the Great Stinging, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to Gambrach and say to him: O King, Do with me what thou wilt.’ So he got up and returned to the Kingdom from Barrackistan.

And as he arrived from Barrackistan, while he was still a long way off, behold Gambrach saw him and was filled with absolutely no compassion for him and sent the Delivernace Squadron to welcome him and adorn him with the garments of incarceration.

Lo, did they also clothe Roo Ben likewise, not because he had written a scroll about the hosts of hell encamped around the dwelling of the just and unjust in Bedrock, but because it was seen that he also walked through the gates of Darth Soukey and was bequeathed with 50 million shekels.

And in the cell, Moozes looked at Roo Ben and chuckled. “Thou sef! Thou writest exceedingly much! Thou disturbeth the goons, then thou disturbeth their guardian fiends. How thinkest thou, that thou wouldest not finally provoke someone’s ire?”

Roo Ben laughed back at Moozes. “Thou might be a bigger MAGA than I, for thou returnest from Barrackistan thinking that a prodigal son’s welcome might somehow await thee. Thou art the most to be pitied amongst men.” Yea, did they both gaze longingly across the oceans towards Barackistan.

The season of electoralis was upon them Barrackistan. And in contention were Rhoda Hill, whose husband had been king several quadrannia past. Lo, did she contest for the throne of thrones with a man of great wealth, whose name was Trum Pet. Pet and Hill contested fiercely for the throne. Yea, did they traverse the entire kingdom, beseeching the people for their support.

The rulers of the earth favoured Hill over Pet. For Hill had been queen. She had served in senatii. Yea, had she even been councillor for foreign kingdom’s for the king. The nobles of Barackistan all denounced Pet, for while he was imbued with vast sums of coin, it was known in the galaxies that he was a hedonist, an epicurean, given to ostentation, brashness and self-adulation.

As the season of electoralis progressed, the utterances of Pet caused many consternation. For he said of the people of Mex, that many of them were given to forceful knowledge of women; killers who would not see the kingdom of heaven. He swore that he would build a yuge and glorious wall to keep them out. He said of the people of the crescent that they would not be welcome to Barackistan if he were to be King. Lo, did he say of fair maidens in the land, that whenever he was around them, he was stripped of his senses and yea grabbeth them by their pooh-seas! What is a pooh-sea? Alas, the chronicler does not know, for it has not been revealed to him, but the words of Pet brought revulsion in the global world. And Trum Pet was not moved by them.

Rhoda Hill, blessed and most favoured, was not without blemish herself. She was said to be friendly with men and women of usury, many of whom were of nefarious character. Together with her husband, King Klean Tonne, they ran a home for social good which many accused of funneling to their personal good. And, worst of all, when she was councillor, she refused to use the king’s elite security ravens for sending messages, preferring to use her homing pigeons instead, potentially opening up the secrets of the kingdom to the enemy.

All over the world, the people watched intently to see who would win and sit on the throne, for Barackistan was a great and mighty kingdom. On the final day of electoralis, many foresaw a victory for Rhoda Hill. All over the world, people prophesied the coming age of Queen Hill. Many were rejoicing before the the first vote was cast, imagining the rain of glass that would flood the earth as Queen Hill put a hole in the Glazone layer. Yet many more heralded glad tidings of great joy, for Barackistan had never had a Queen on the throne.

But it was not to be. As news of the various results began to filter in, the spirit of wawu descended upon Rhoda Hill’s supporters. This spirit was not enough to contain the worsening emotions as even more results arrived, so it made way for the spirit of Egbami. The people of Hill held on to hope audaciously and sought to rebuke the spirits. But it got worse, as Egbami made way for the spirit of Hinevahesperredit. And into the late hours of the night, they sought to exorcise the evil spirits. Their labour was in vain, for behold, 2 hours past midnight all the spirits fled, as that evil spirit of IzallovaJackie descended with a gbim!

Trum Pet blew his trumpet as King-in-waiting, and the world marveled. Wherefore, remember ye, I beseech thee, the words that preceded this chronicle – “Blow ye the trumpet in Zion, and sound an alarm in my holy Hill: let all the inhabitants of the land tremble: for the day of the Lord cometh, for it is nigh at hand.”

Brethren, the trumpet has been blown and an alarm has been sounded in holy Hill, as she conceded the battle. Tremble, brethren, for the day of the Lord cometh, it is nigh at hand and there shall be no gaddem chill! Selah.

Nick Barber, Tom Hickman and Jeff King: Pulling the Article 50 ‘Trigger’: Parliament’s Indispensable Role

Reblogging for the language of the arguments in the piece and more so for the civility in the comments in spite of the highly contentious nature of the subject matter.

UK Constitutional Law Association

Barber-Hickman-KingIn this post we argue that as a matter of domestic constitutional law, the Prime Minister is unable to issue a declaration under Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty – triggering our withdrawal from the European Union – without having been first authorised to do so by an Act of the United Kingdom Parliament.  Were he to attempt to do so before such a statute was passed, the declaration would be legally ineffective as a matter of domestic law and it would also fail to comply with the requirements of Article 50 itself.

There are a number of overlapping reasons for this. They range from the general to the specific. At the most general, our democracy is a parliamentary democracy, and it is Parliament, not the Government, that has the final say about the implications of the referendum, the timing of an Article 50 our membership of the Union, and…

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The Chronicles of Chill: Gambrach’s Other Room

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Brethren and Sisthren, chill had long departed the kingdom. Nobody was hammering anymore as their hammers had been covered with recessionary latex and turned into mallets and the ceteris was no longer paribus in the econominix of the environment.

 

Everyday, Oshinoshin, the Hand of King Gambrach, would come into the village square to pronounce to the Kingdom all the great machinations of the mind of the King. Each day, when the wailing was at its ebb, he would tell the people, Your King will build this, the King’s council will do that, we are planning to do this. Yet nothing was done. Wherefore the people christened him Comer Comer Comer Comer Comer Comelion, for he used to come and go, with his dreams all red, gold and green.

 

And then one night, as the people put aside their wailing to prepare for sleep, the Deliverance Squadron Squad, imbued with the precarious spirit of Egbami, swooped on the abodes of the highest judges in the land. Behold, they lifted up their heads against ye gates and broke down their previously everlasting doors and laid siege to their dwelling places.

 

The people were alarmed because the Deliverance Squad Squadron were a secret militia, whose primary purpose was to prevent insurgency and treason in the land. Also, as the purported reason for the swooping was the alleged enrichment of the judges of themselves, by themselves, in the most egregious manner, the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission was by law the appropriate organ of the King’s forces, and many were disturbed at the deployment of the formerly secret Deliverance Squad Squadron. This was more so, especially as Mr. Magoo, the nearsighted leader of the Everly Commission had long since complained about the judges not ruling in favour of the Commission.

 

But the Lovengers were pleased. “Oh the fragrant scent of Gambrachian justice!” they proclaimed. “See ye the announcement by the Deliverance Squad of all the coin that they have delivered from the houses of the judges! Surely this is evidence of their perfidy!”

 

“Why choosest thou to be fickle and unremembering of the many so-called deliverances of the Deliverance Squad? The 90 billion shekels of Daisy Annie? The 50 million Barrackistani shekels in the farm of Mar-Ku, predecessor of Lar-Yi in the office of councillor for propaganda…seest thou these deliverances in truth and verity?”

 

And the Deliverance Squad decided to call their deliverance swoop a sting. And lo, was it the bluntest sting in the history of stings, and was not at all like a sting causing but a mere swelling on the arm, but more a collision of chariots that breaketh the arms and legs of a victim.

 

But lo, in spite of the copious amounts of coin, both foreign and local, which the deliverance squad proclaimed that it had delivered, no charge was proffered against the judges. Wherefore it was proclaimed across the land, “Oh DeSS, where is thy victory? Where, oh DeSS thy sting? The sting of DeSS is sin and the power of sin is the lawyer.”

 

The people blamed Gambrach for the misadvaneture of the Deliverance Squad. And behold, while the people wailed and complained, wondering what manner of affliction made its kings across different quadrania act unbecomingly, word came from Roo Ben, head scribe of King Gejoshaphat. “Brethren”, said Roo Ben, “tis true what thou thinkest about life at Bedrock. Our kings wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual hosts in subterranean places. Seest thou not say una leaders no too dey get sense again when they enter Bedrock? Seest thou not the death of the wife of King Shegolas, the death of King Yardy, the afflictions of Lady PeiPei which cleareth once Gejoshaphat was no more king? Ye must pray to the gods, old and new. In fact, scratch that. Ye must break down this Bedrock and build a new one.”

 

And the spirit of Wawu traversed the land yet again. For people were amazed that a man of science and logic, such as Roo Ben, could foray into the metaphysical. But yea, were they also filled with concern. “How then copest Gambrach and Yeeshah?” the people asked. “Is the Many Years Disease of Gambrach an affliction of the subterranean? Is Lady Yeeshah in soundness of body and mind and in good cheer?”

 

Almost as if Lady Yeeshah heard their enquiries, Lady Yeeshah spoke in the public square of the burden of her heart. “Remember ye when Gambrach declaraed that he woulds be a fakest guy if he appointeth not his ride or die homies? I, his wife of one Mandelanic period, remember. I, his wife of one Mandelanic period am therefore aghast that of the two score and ten men that surroundeth Gambrach, Gambrach knoweth but ten of them. As a wife of one Mandelanic period, I wouldest know his ride or dies and behold, the host that encamp around our dwellings are not known to me.”

 

“Wawu”, said the moderator of her discussion. “Sayest thou that Gambrach be not in control of the kingdom.”

 

“Thou seest him, so thou knowest the answer.” replied Lady Yeeshah. And in the spirit of the great bard of the Kingdom, Felanimus Kutinski, it finisheth not, it finisheth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, for she continued.

 

“As for me, I have purposed in my heart not to stand by his side should he seek a renewal of his reign in the next quadranium. Neither shall I ask the women of the kingdom to stand for him in electoralis. For I am quite bigly pissed off.”

 

Myyyyyyy gheeeeeuuuurrrrrd!!! This was unprecedented in the entire scrolls of the chronicles of the kingdom, for the wife of the King to speak so brazenly against him in the open. And the people wondered what the response of Gambrach would be, for they remembered that he used to be a man of Gunn.

 

Fortunately for them, Gambrach was on his way out of the Kingdom again, on his way to Allegmania, the Kingdom of Queen Mer Kell, who Gambrach called Queen Me Shell, perhaps due to his affliction of Many Years Disease. It was fortunate for the people of the Kingdom, because of his outspokenness – his speaking only when he was out of the Kingdom (this is recycled joke of chronicler, so funny).

 

And when Gambrach arrived in Allegmania, after stepping out of his flying chariot in a manner that brought tears to the eyes of the Lovengers, and inspecting the Allegmanian troops of honour in a manner which filled the Lovengers with gratitude and the sense of being fortunate to have him as president, Gambrach stood in the chamber of Queen Mer. Together, they addressed the men and women of Paparazzia and Blogg.

 

Behold, did the people of Paparazzia enquire of Gambrach, “Oh great king Gambrach, hearest thou the words of thy wife? Everybody clappy hand for you, she don’t clappy hand for you no more. Like, Latiffus Kayodensis, she taketh away her support from thee and Apicuria. This be-eth an almighty ela! Wilst thou take it?”

 

And Gambrach replied, “I knoweth not if my wife belongeth to Padipalia or Apicuria. I know, however, that she belongeth in my kitchen. And that she belongeth in my living room. And…” he said as a mischievous grin played across his face, “…that she belongeth in my other room. You know what I’m saying fellas! My other room! You know what I’m saying, right? Look, my eye winketh. Thou gettest my meaning, surely.”

 

“Your Highness, but thou art an old man…” said one man of papyrussian blog.

 

“I have many years’ disease, fam. Not that I’ve been alive for so many years. When the lovengers were telling me to fire on and go harder, I’m sure you thought it was only with regard to my quest against graft, shebi? Jon Snows, all of you.”

 

But the King had said this in the presence of his host Queen Mer, a lady herself. It was a scandal, for Gambrach had suggested to the global world, in era of the incumbent and impending Queens of Barrackistan and the Queen of Allegmania, that the place of the woman was in the kitchen, the living room and the, uhm, “other” room. And brethren, the goddam chill was gone and only a figment of the people’s memory.

 

And Gar Bar, the Chief Scribe to Gambrach emerged. “Oh people. Why lackest ye a sense of humour. We who encamp around Gambrach know that he is a barrel of laughter. Remember not that he readeth only the comics and pastiches in the daily papyrus? How I wouldst that ye would chill and get ye it not twisted; for Gambrach unleasheth a banter on thee.”

 

And myyyyyyy gheeeeeeeurd! There was not a speculum of gaddem chill in the whole entire kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: The Family Jewelleries

jewel

As the reign of Gambrach progressed, the only people in the kingdom with any sort of chill were the Lovengers. The sneezing, defecation, stride, sweating, eating, speech-making and every other thing about Gambrach still filled them with awe and drove them to cry mushy tears of admiration each time. Their number was reducing though, as more of their number struggled to understand the king.

Lar Yi, the councillor propaganda, was Chief Lovenger of the land and twas he who, fearful that the cry of the people might yet penetrate the Many Years’ membrane of the king quickly devised a plan. One morning, as the King walked leisurely in the palace gardens in the morning, sipping on his kunu and juice, Lar Yi approached with his idea.

“Oh King, most benevolent, most chillful, full of wisdom beyond measure, how art thou today?”

“Ah, Lar Yi, what news bringesth thou from the kingdom?” asked the King.

“Oh King, there are some foolish people in the land, seeking to turn the hearts of the billions who love thee against thee. They say change cometh not to the kingdom. And they tell lies – that there is no bread in the land.”

“Well, if they have not bread, then they should eat cake! Though, not the one with chocolates from foreign lands.”

“Precisely, your Majesty. This is why I have devised a new message to go forth from the palace unto the people, that the change they seek beginneth with them.”

“What a brilliant idea of great discipline. Gather my scribes, let them write the grandmother of all change speeches.

And so, the scribes were gathered, including Gar Bar and FemCallamitus and together with the King (or so it was said), they produced the speech. And lo, did Gambrach read the speech unto the people and yea did the eyes of the lovengers well up in tears of adulation yet again. “Oh what an awesome speech of speeches! Change truly beginneth with me.” they .declared. But the others, the wailers, were not amused. “Thou presideth over our growing turmoil, thou puttest not the stealer of the coin behind bars, thou maketh us to lie down beside drying streams to the delight of our enemies, and yet thou sayest change beginneth with us and not thee?”

Be that as it was, shortly after the King had spoken, a murmur began that some of the words spoken by the King were the words of the king of Barrackistan. Lo, did the accusation and stain arise from the people like a plague, because of the words that the King had plagiarised. Hehehe. This is joke of chronicler.

And in the palace, the scribes were troubled, for the allegation was an indictment upon them. Shortly afterwards, clearly with the panic still in the air, Gar Bar addressed the people. “Dear People of the land, it is knownst by thee that thy king is a great, great guy. Behold, as he readeth his speech, did he notice in the glorious splendour of his wisdom, that some of the words put in the speech were wrongfully inserted. Obviously, he knoweth that this doth sound like an innuendo, but he is great and oozes glory. And so, he sacketh the wrongful inserter and admonisheth thee – yes, admonisheth thee all, to focus on change beginning with thee!” Thus ended the word of Gar Bar.

 

 

And the people were filled with the audacity and mendacity of Gar Bar. They were filled with fear of Gambrach, for the following week, he was to sojourn to Barrackistan for the meeting of the League of Kingdoms general assembly meeting. While at the League of Nations, Gambrach was seen together with the King of Barrackistan, wherefore the lovengers proclaimed, “Wawu! Behold the adoration of the King of Barrackistan for our great guy king, Gambrach. Verily, this meaneth Gambrach is great.”

Throughout his sojourn, Gambrach told the nations how Gejoshaphat, not he, was to blame for every single gaddem woe being suffered by the kingdom. And behold, as Gambrach returned, the news spread about the kingdom that Lady PeiPei, wife of Gejoshaphat had laid claim to certain coin that had been confiscated by the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission. It was a great amount of coin, numbering 20 million Barrackistani shekels, which were 420 times more valuable than the coin of the land.

“But Lady PeiPei”, said the everly failers, “thy name be-eth not on the documents of this account and thou be not named as an owner of the account, by the bank. How then, pray tell art thou the owner of the coin within?” PeiPei did not answer but rather approached the magistrate to censure her bank for handing over the coin into the authority of the everly failers.

That night, the people went to sleep in absolute shock. It was a thing most shocking that PeiPei could lawfully come about or be so bold as to lay claim to the Barrackistani treasure. All the people of the land slept very uneasily, moreso the people of senatii and the council of Gambrach, for when they awoke the next morning there was a new song on their lips.

Abushola, whose troubles at Conductivitis were now fewer and further inbetween, together with Lee Ko, the richest man in Monopolia both declared in unison that a great spirit had visited them in the night and had ministered unto them that the way out of the recession, which apparently was more than just a word, was to sell the kingdom’s prized jewels.

“Not our prized jewels!!!!” protested the people, “for we know that it will go the way of its forbears in squalid squander and damnless disappearance.”

“Nah, mates”, said Lady Kem Shun, councillor for the coin, “you is not ge’ing da gist of tings. If we flog these jools, yeah, then we finna get some cash tings  to reduce the amounts we is borrowing. Dis is basic econominicx, yeah, to pawn ya shit when you is broke, innit bruv. It’s mad wicked plan, bruv. Let’s sell the jools, fam, namsayn?”

Behold, the rumblings of unchill again increased in ferocity as the people debated selling the jewels. Chill was long gone in the land, boys and girls smileth not, and out of the corner of everyone’s eye, they saw Shiwajun cooking another pot of Wahala Morghulis soup for YeGunz, head of the house of Apicuria…

 

The Chronicles of Chill: A Dog has no Name

sad-dog-funny-dog

From time of electoralis and the ascension of Gambrach to the throne, the Kingdom had suffered violence. Usually, the violent would have taken it by force, but the violent were hungry, for there was a pestilence upon the land. There was unchill and it was a-brewing and a-stewing.

 

The people waited to hear a word from King Gambrach but nary a word proceeded from the Palace. Wherefore, the people began to call Gambrach the most outspoken King they had ever had, for he only spoke when he was out of the Kingdom, in foreign lands. Hehehe.

 

And in that time, amidst the fomenting discomfort in the land,  a man named Joe-Hakeem had a falling out with his neighbour. His neighbour came from the north of the Kingdom and his father, like the King was also called Gambrach. Gambrach, it was said, was a very common name. So common, in fact that Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach, was declared not to be the Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach that was wanted in Barrackistan; it was a different Yeeshah with a husband named Gambrach.

 

Lo, in their falling out did Joe-Hakeem decide to rechristen his dog Gambrach. The dog was an adult dog, and it was not certain that the dog was aware of its new moniker. But behold, did the neighbour raise alarm, that Joe-Hakeem had named his dog after the King and lo, did chill depart from their community. Gambrach the dog, formerly known as Doggy the dog, was killed. And yea, the head of the constabulary arrested him and charged him with blasphemy of the royal name, a hitherto unknown offence in the Kingdom. And the people were amazed, for others had named their dogs after Kings in the past quadrannia, with no consequence.

 

“He is apprehended and incarcerated by the constabulary at the behest of Gambrach! He must be!” the people cried.

 

But Gar-Bar, the King’s chief scribe, heard the accusation and rose quickly in defence of his master. “Friends, Twilistians, Countrymen, lend me your ears. If only thou wouldst know the true nature of your king! Your king suffereth from Many Years Disease and heareth not your common talk. Behold, he heareth thee not for many years, and so couldst not have instigated the constabulary.”

 

The people yinmued, for they had grown weary of Gar-Bar’s persistent beatification of Gambrach.

 

“Besides,” Gar-Bar continued, “when he assembleth the spies of the kingdom, that they mayest inform him of the goings-on, he listeneth first NOT to cries of your travails, nor the words of wisdom from the apostles of marketology! No! He listeneth first to the jesters, the fools and the parodists, that he mayest laugh upon the reports of how the kingdom pastiches him! Is he not a great and benevolent king?”

 

The people were not amused and lost further chill, for Gar-Bar had revealed the mind of Gambrach to them, and their cries and travails were not of prime importance. The mother of all unchills would indeed have swept through the land, were it not for the visit of a very august visitor.

 

Far, far away in Barrackistan, there was the high priest of the Book of Faces, dedicated to the god of the Book of Faces, from his time as a youth in the citadel of VardHarla, in the kingdom of Barrackistan. His name was Marcus von Zuck, and Marcus von Zuck chose this time to come to the kingdom.

 

High Priest Marcus was very wealthy, and throughout the four corners of the earth, were men, women and children who worshiped at the temple of the Book of Faces. And he came to bless his followers and give them succour.

 

In the Palace, Councillor Shittinksi looked for his whitest glove, in anticipation of audience with High Priest Marcus, for the followers of Marcus fell under the authority of his prefecture. But Marcus was allergic to bullshit and so avoideth and shunneth him.

 

And there was chill, as the followers showed their High Priest the fullness of the land and besought him to send even more andelic minstrels into the land.

 

But Marcus departed, and a proclamation went forth from Kal El, the Counting Master of the kingdom, announcing what many already knew in their hearts. The Counting Master and his counting crew had counted, and had beheld that the rent was too damn high, and that the land was in a recession.

 

And the people looked to Gambrach in vain, to see if he could see them beyond the parody; if he could hear them beyond his unlooking. Behold, a voice came, as if from the palace. The voice sounded, as if it were the voice of Lady Kem Shun, of Sarf Londinia, who was Gambrach’s councillor of the purse.

 

“Behold, fam! I know tings is wicked bruv, you get me? And this is desperate times of oppression, innit? But that is why we finna cut down the shopping sprees and ting! And just in case youse don’t believe me blad, here’s my two most peng warriors – Time and Patience. I am sending them out to you, so you can know that recession is just a word, mate. Boom, selecta!!!”

 

Brethren, say it with me – the people heard her words, and there was no gaddem chill, no modicum of decorum, no iota resembling it, in the entire gaddem land!

 

Booyakasha!

The Chronicles of Chill: The Epistle of FeiFei Van Der Putin

Letter

In the 16th month of the reign of King Gambrach, the word of Woo Doo, Gambrach’s councillor for farming went out to the people. “Behold!” he proclaimed, “and let they that mix manure for farmers take heed, that it is high treason to mix manure and ship to other kingdoms for profit, when the farmers in our kingdom have no manure. Let it be known that any such manure mixer found to be doing this shall be banished from the kingdom.”

 

On hearing the proclamation had to do with manure, councillor Shittinksi Bulltshittu thought perhaps he might be of help. But Woo Doo had enough incompetence of his own to deliver the message and did not need to borrow additional incompetence from any of his co-councillors.

 

The people in the kingdom shrugged, for many looked to suffer banishment away from the preils and travails of the kingdom. But for FeiFei van der Putin, Ondonesian minister on exile in Jandinia, it was one derelict proclamation too many from the council of Gambrach.

 

FeiFei van der Putin was a marketinian apostle, writing several epistles to the people of the Kingdom, and counsel for Gambrach, on how they might find chill. Lo, his epistles found great readership in the land. FeiFei van der Putin had spoken very highly of Gambrach during electoralis federalis, and together with his fellow apostle KinYe, led the Twilistianly renowned Why Nations Fail Ministries.

 

FeiFei van der Putin was the High Sparrow of the gospel of marketology in Social Mediana and had increasingly grown vocal in his sermons against Mefilius and his management of the coin and Gambrach and his reign. However, the proclamation of Woo Doo proved far too much for him to bear and in a holy fury, he picked up his parchment and quill and wrote another epistle to the brethren in Twilistia.

 

“Brethren, in as much as I was a voice in the wilderness proclaiming that the Kingdom of Gambrach was at hand, and to the unlikely extent that I was able to sway you to elect Gambrach in electoralis, I tender my deep apology.”

 

And the spirit of Wawu swept across the land, as many did not believe own eyes of Twilistians. For electoralis had wreaked a chasm in Twilistia, and the support of many like the Why Nations Fail Ministries had led to the rise of the Lovengers. And after the spirit of Wawu had settled and departed, behold, there was a stirring and a rumbling among the people and all chill departed the land.

 

“Why apologiseth thee? Gejoshaphat was never in the reckoning. Yea, even if Gambrach were to obliterate the Kingdom from the face of the earth, verily I would stand with him in the void. Behold, I would cast for Gambrach again and again, even if he killeth my mother and father.”

 

“Why apologiseth thee for the manner in which thy vote was cast? Surely, if thou, the Lovengers and all who who cast their vote wouldst apologise, surely it would be for the manner in which thou spake and speakest even yet unto they who wouldst not cast with thee.”

 

“FeiFei van der Putin speakest the truth. For Gambrach disappointeth us sorely.”

 

“Why wouldest thou seek forgiveness, FeiFei van der Putin? Curses on them that would deny us the blessing of basking in the glorious sunlight of the reign of Gambrach.”

 

And the voices of unchill rumbled and rumbled until the sound carried into Gambrach’s palace. And lo, twas his valets and footmen for Social Mediana that first responded to the people. They said, “Get thee it not twisted, this shit is bants. We shall give thee megaphones to amplify thine unchill.”

 

And it came to pass that finally the news was carried into the sacred chambers of Gambrach by Osinoshin.

 

“O Gambrach, great and mighty King. First of your name. Neuterer of technocrats. Arbiter of density for the floatation of the coin. Behold I come with news from Twilistia and Social Mediana.”

 

“Ah. Osinjo.”

 

“Osinoshin, your Highness.”

 

“Ah, yes. Please pardon me. It’s the Many Years Disease again.”

 

“Your Highness, there are rumblings in the land. The Lovengers, the eaters of the grain of the feast of Queen Yeeshah and even FeiFei van der Putin; they all turn against you and forsake their defence of your reign of omnigoodness.”

 

“Hmm. Hmm. … Hmm. So when next shall we be in Europotamia?”

 

“In 7 weeks’ time, your Highness. But the cry of the people, good king.. ”

 

“… Oh, good. There existeth an abundance of time before I shall be required to give thought to their complaints. Tell Mefilius that it is my command for him to independently decide that only the couriers of Westania Iounonium may remit foeign coin to our land henceforth.”

 

“Your Highness, great and mighty king, I beseech thee that thou mayest reconsider, we frighten the holders of foreign coin away. Behold, they wouldst not even give audience to Mefilius on his last sojourn.”

 

“Ah. Osinjo. I hearest thee no more. It appeareth my Many Years Disease affliction is upon me again. Come back next week.”

 

And outside the palace and throughout Twilistia, the rumbling continued, and there was no gaddem chill in the land.