The Chronicles of Chill: Missingstopheles & The Lost Scrolls of the Kingdom

 

Lost Scrolls

From the days of Ser Lee Sou, the warden of the junior senateens, the Scrolls of the Kingdom suffereth violence and the Lords of the Realm yinmued it by force. Selah.

– Chronicles of Chill, Chapter 41, verse 9.

Verily, I say unto thee brethren, that the demon Missingstopheles (of which ye have heard in a previous chapter), the mischievous sprite of peculiar vanishments, was particularly fond of the Lords of the Realm. Ser Lee Sou was a young man, full of grace and fair of face but his wardenship was short-lived because Missingstopheles had vanished all record of Ser Lee Sou’s attendance at the Citadel of Roan Toe and his Scroll Bacalauratum was never to be seen again..

Yea, while the demon was at the Citadel of Roan Toe, it also beheld the Scroll Bacalauratum of Shiwajun and for a while, it toyed with its existence. First it was there and then it was not, and there was no gaddem chill until it sort of came back. For who dare question the scroll of Shiwajun?

Behold, Missingstopheles, full of testicular fortitude, descended on the scroll of Gambrach vanishing all his scrolls, even the scroll de minimis, causing much embarrassed explanation by the King. For he was a senior man of Gunn and had once been king, so how dare anyone suggest the scroll was not there? But it was Missingstopheles, you see. He made sure the scrolls were missing.

The tsunami of the missingness of scrolls swept even into the house of Gejoshaphat, vanishing the magnum opus written in pursuance of his Scroll de Doctora. Behold, the haters searched high and low for the magnum opus but Missingstopheles had vanished it too. Or it had been kept in the kingdom’s archives as a testament to the cerebro-cranial power of King Gejoshaphat. But that which the people believeth is the former. Selah.

Lo, Missingstopheles wreaked reputational havoc wherever he went. Lo, he even vanished the replica of King Snoop Neffy Neff of Deltonia, before he was carried away to Jandinia in captivity. Yea, he had even vanished Wen Rem, the twin brother of Wen Rems, who was also briefly Warden of the Senate before Chewba-Ka. But, aswerraghad, the demon neverhessperredit when he dared to vanish the scrolls of Dinobetes Melitus.

Dinobetes was a man of extreme learning, with 8 scrolls from reputed citadels, some from beyond the shores of the kingdom. His learning was so profound, that when, filled with rage, he threatened to go into Mimi the wife of Shiwajun and imbue her with offspring, all who heard him misunderstood him – for she arriveth menopause by that time.

And so it was that Missingtopheles went after the 3 most prized scrolls of Dinobetes, from the citadels at Ravadium, Jandinia and Zah-Reeyah. And yea, after the scrolls were vanished, he that vanished them blew news of their state of non-existence to the Journos of the Kalahari. The Kalahari Journos went to town proclaiming, “Dinobetes lyeth about his scrolls!”

Behold, at first, Dinobetes sought to laugh it off, for he was a deep and profound man, not given to frivolities, but the Kalaharins resurrected the Dead Red Pen of Ayedeeveedov and began to make markings, and draw signs and cause wonder. Yea, did the senateens summon the Master of the Rolls at the citadel of Zah-Reeyah to make known if it was truth or alternative truth that Dinobetes was enscrolled.

“Answer us this, Master of the Rolls, dost thou have Dinobetes of House Melitus in thy roll of the esncrolled?”

“Verily, I say unto thee” said the Master, “indeed we do, though he changeth his name. For then he was dubbed by the much uncooler appellation, Knee-Ell. Behold, his transswagerration into Dinobetes!”

“That settleth the matter!” said the satisfied senateens.

“Nay!” cried the the Kalahari Journos. “Behold our red circles and lines made by the lost Dead Red Pen of Ayedeeveedov! Ye knowest when the red line blings, it can only mean one thing! And regardez! Dinobetes performeth the Nsync dance before he taketh the scroll at Zah-Reeyah! Tis an impossibilitum!”

But Dinobetes had been vindicated by his peers. And he rejoiced. Yeah did he strip himself of his finery and came to the square of Twilistia in his loin cloth, his body covered in white war paint, and he sang and chanted a song of victory. “Behold, I am Dinobetes Melitus the great! I am the arrow of truth! I am he that darest to stand in defiance on the streets of Shiwajun! Let this be a lesson, that when a weakling decides to ensnare a warrior, he setteth himself up for the beating of his life. Selah, niccurs!”

And behold, there was laughter and mirth in the land, and the people forgot about the unchill for a little while.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: The El-Farquaadian Gambit

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The Day of Kingsleycost had put a spring in the step of the spinning quills. FemCallamitus had a particularly springy bounce in his step. He was full of song and daily refilled his lamp with the oil of hope, like the wise virgins of yore. “My bridegroom, King Gambrach, cometh for me, surely!” he sang, with great expectations. “Will you be ready? Will you be ready? Will you be ready when my Lord shall come?”

Behold, his expectations were not cut short. For like a thief in the night, though he was not one and his arrival was not in the night but early when the cock crowed at dawn, Gambrach returned to the Kingdom from Jandinia in his winged chariot.

The evil detractor-enemies from Padipalia and beyond had rented huge bellows and yea, they orchestrated a heavy gust of wind to blow Gambrach of his feet as he descended from his chariot. However, Gambrach was full of Jandinian fortification and though the bellows blew and caused him to sway and stagger, the King stood firm. And the all Lovengers exclaimed, “Oh what a great and stiff standing of the King! The greatest and stiffest standing the Kingdom has ever seen! How blessed we are to have a King so stiff and firm, against the bellows of the haters!”

Lo, as the King arrived, the scribes of the Kingdom gathered to welcome him. Yea, were there scribes from beyond the Kingdom even, for his long absence had become a source of consternation for the entire global world. “Welcome, O King,” they greeted him. “It gladdens our hearts to see thee back from thy flossing and chilling and big pimping in Jandinia.”

“My what?” asked Gambrach clearly puzzled.

“Thy shooting of the breeze” they responded, “for it was the word of FemCallamitus (who by the way, spake not with thee until Kingsleycost) that thou wert not infirm. Twas also the word of Lar Yi that thou wert hale and hearty. His Highness must therefore have been hanging out with his Jandinian homeboys.”

“Ye mock me, surely” said the King, “for since I was young, yea unto my geriatry of present, I cannot recall a time when I was more infirm!”

“Oh, wawu! So art thou taking over from Pretend King Osinoshin yet?”

“Nay, he shall yet be Pretend King a few days more. For my journey was long and fatiguing. Behold, I have yet more recovery to recover.”

However, very quickly, Gambrach decided the time for Osinoshin’s pretence was over and he came back into the throne room. And lo, as he ingressed the room, the entire council of the Kingdom was there – his ministers and the lesser kings. So, he shook the hand of the nearest councillor and accepted the warm remarks of welcome, then made for the throne. However, he heard the gentle song of the councillor standing beside the one whose hand he had shaken. It was a soft and piercing song of supplication, “Gambrach, Gambrach, here my humble cry! While some others thou art shaking, do not pass me by!”

Gambrach rolled his eyes, for all he wanted to do was sit and preside over the council. Now they were all singing it and he had to shake all their fricking hands. And so he shook them one by one, until none had been passed by. But then he saw that one may have indeed been passed by, or was perhaps not in the room.

“Where is El-Farquaad?” he asked Balavida. “In the Land of the Nethers, your Grace.” came the reply. “Hmmmmm…”

The following day, the time came again for Magoo to defend his prefecture of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission before the senatii under the wardenship of Abushola. Kyocera had snitched on Magoo’s ess like crazy the last time but the King had returned and Magoo was down with the King, so he was confident.

“Why shouldest we affirm thee as Prefect of the Everlies? Thou art everly failing, after all.”

“My Lords senateens, ye may yet change our name, for the commission faileth not anymore. We have recovered vast vaults of coin stolen from the Kingdom. Behold, the magistrates have convicted former king Jabal of the kingdom of Mah Wah and sentenced him to half a decade in prison. Our noose tightens against many of ye senateens before whom I seek affirmation today. Affirm me with haste, that I may procure thy incarceration with uncompunctious despatch.”

“We see thou comest today with a bagful of jokes, Magoo” said Abushola “dost thou want to be prefect or a mouth of basket?”

“Perhaps, Lord Warden, he might tell us exactly how much he recovereth” volunteered a senateen.

“My Lords, I cannot tell thee the number. As we were counting the recovered coin, we reached the upper limit of our numerology. The numbers as we know them finished. Just know ye this, that it is a HUGE amount of coin.”

Magoo expected to receive his affirmation then. Alas, Kyocera and the Deliverance Squad Squadron had delivered yet another word for Magoo, proclaiming him unfit for the prefecture. And the people were puzzled. For Kyocera and Magoo were both courtiers of the King. “Perhaps they are gladiators and senatii is the arena and Gambrach pits them against each other for the kingdom’s amusement” the people mused.

There was also more puzzlement as the Trumpet blew yet again in Trumpstantinople. The Trumpet had just accused the former king of tapping his booty during their electoralis and then was visited by Queen Mer Kel of Allemagne. King the Trumpet and Queen Kel addressed the people jointly and as they finished, the people called for the customary clasping of royal hands. “Grab her hand, grab her hand!” the people demanded. But the King in his tremendous and bigly wisdom demurred. “Okay, grab her pou sea, grab her pou sea!” they suggested in the alternative. At this point, the revelation became hazy and the chronicler had to put down his quill.

And as the quill went back into the ink pot, the voice of the Tword commanded, “pick it back up gaddemit, for unchill cometh!” So the chronicler obeyed and opened his eyes to the revelation.

Behold, there was a rumbling of unchill in the kingdom, as several copies of a cluster of parchments were distributed across the kingdom by the Kalahari Pseudojourns. Was it a new play by a famous playwright? It certainly had an intriguing title  – “Thou Fallest My Hand, Bruh!” but it was no play. It was an epistle from King El-Farquaad of Dunamis to King Gambrach. And it was two score and ten gaddem pages long! Luckily, the voice of the Tword abridged the epistle for the chronicler. And it read thus –

“THOU FALLEST MY HAND, BRUH (for reals)

Thou fallest my hand, bruh. Thou promised change to the people but in the words of the great bard Amaru, ‘Change? I guesseth change be good for any of us, whatever it taketh to get up out of thy farm. I’m with thee, I ain’t mad at thee…’ I ain’t mad at thee for thou anointest my head with oil and made me king. But thou fallest my hand bruh with the dud change and if the people be mad at thee, they be mad at me too.

“Dude! Why be-est thou aloof? Why chinnest thou Shiwajun and the convocation from which thy reign arose? Why givest thou Kyocera and Balavida the audacity to feel like they running things? Those homeboys are rude, naive, uncouth, inexperienced, clueless and just generally bad news. Thou cautionest them not, and thou fallest my hand, bruh.

“I believe in you bruh, but everything be falling apart under your reign. You my dawg and errthang but unless you bring your A-Game, we are going to lose the throne. The other sheets in this epistle are my blueprint for the turnaround. Don’t let Balavida or Kyocera get their hands on them – if you do that, you be falling my hand again, bruh. Anyways, I hope you get this, man, hit me back
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Stan Farquaad.”

It probably helped not that El-Farquaad was away in the Land of the Nethers when the epistle went into circulation but, my gheeeeuuuuurd, there was no gaddem chill in the land!

 

 

When a WhatsApp Broadcast from your Parents FINALLY comes to life

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First of all, a gloat with my learned friends. If they ever sneer at you, asking “What do lawyers really do? Why do you want to collect all that money? Isn’t it just to write ‘heretobefore’?”, wave this judgement in their faces. Good lawyers help clients avoid losing money by asking the right questions ahead of transactions.

Here’s the summary of the case. Fijabi Adebo Holdings Limited bought several cases of ‘soft drinks’ from the Nigerian Bottling Company PLC, makers of Coca-Cola, Fanta, Sprite and those feel-good adverts we see on TV from time to time. The company tried to export the drinks to the UK (yay, diaspora market) but the authorities there found the drinks not in compliance with EU regulation and destroyed them. Bad Market, as is sometimes said. Of course, this was a huge shock to the system of the company, not to mention the financial loss as well, all N15m or so of it. The company sought to recoup this loss by suing NBC and NAFDAC, the Nigerian food and drug regulator.

The company sought general damages of N150 million against NBC, for negligence/breach of duty of care, special damages of N15.1 million, being costs incurred as a result of said breach and N3 million as the cost of bringing the law suit. From the orders sought, as listed in the judgement, the relief sought to be enforced against NAFDAC was “ an order directing [NAFDAC] to carry out routine tests on all the soft drinks and allied products of the [NBC] to guarantee the safety of consumable products [produced by NBC].”

The case turns on the reason for the claimant’s goods being destroyed on arrival in the UK. According to the letter from the Stockport Metropolitan Authority, “[T]he ‘Fanta orange failed due to an excess in sunset yellow colour and both samples failed for excessive levels of benzoic acid.” The samples being referred to here were for Fanta orange and Fanta lemon. It was therefore the claimant’s contention that the soft drinks purchased were unfit for human consumption and that NBC had breached its duty of care.

NBC’s response was that its soft drinks were manufactured well within the regulatory limits set by NAFDAC for production in Nigeria. The benzoic acid was within permitted limits and there was no national limit for sunset yellow. Evidence was led to prove (certificates and testimony from NAFDAC) that the NBC was compliant with NAFDAC and Codex (World Health Organisation Food Standards) and the court agreed. To be clear, the court dismissed the entire claim against NBC.

The claimant tried to suggest that the NBC ought to have known the soft drinks were being exported, since they were loaded into containers in NBC’s premises but that argument went nowhere. The NBC discharged its full legal and moral obligations to the claimant.

Now to the part of the judgement that has gained the most notoriety in its slight misrepresentation. The judge, relying on the following exchange during the cross-examination of the subpoenaed NAFDAC official, decided to order a warning to be printed on NBC labels –

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According to the judge, from this testimony, “it is manifest that [NAFDAC] has been grossly irresponsible in its regulatory duties to the consumers of Fanta and sprite manufactured by [NBC]. In my respectful view, [NAFDAC] has failed the citizens of this great nation by its certification as satisfactory for human consumption, products which in the United Kingdom failed sample test for human consumption and which become poisonous in the presence of Ascorbic Acid, ordinarily known as Vitamin C…” The Court therefore ordered NAFDAC to mandate NBC to include a warning on its Fanta and Sprite bottles that the “…soft drinks cannot be taken with Vitamin C as same becomes poisonous if taken with Vitamin C.”  With respect to the Court, perhaps the basis of the finding should also have been the result of testing and certification, as it was with the other findings of chemical composition. The exchange, as recorded, does not really seem to have much coherence about it. However, the judge had the benefit of observing the witnesses first hand and I didn’t, so I shouldn’t dwell too much on that.

Is there an issue with combining benzoic acid and vitamin C? That’s probably one for the food scientists to tell us. NBC itself says there isn’t, in its statement on the issue here. The FDA in the US doesn’t seem to think there’s that much to worry about either. The ‘harmful’ substance formed when benzoic acid combines with ascorbic acid (vitamin c) is benzene, but it appears to only be harmful in large amounts. I’m a layman where that’s concerned and would be very happy to take guidance from a pharmacist or nutritionist on this point.

What we do know for sure from the judgement is –

  • The claimant failed to find out what the regulatory requirements of the UK/EU were and got burnt (even regular travellers know to check that the ogbono or stock fish in their luggage is permitted across their journey);
  • NBC has shown that its products are safe consumption by both NAFDAC and WHO standards;
  • The Court made no negative finding against NBC.

Are there other health reasons to give up soft drinks? Yes! All that sugar and fizziness never helped anyone except to put on weight and feel bloated. So, give up soft drinks if you want to. You just can’t say it was because of this law suit.

The Chronicles of Chill: The Day of Kingsleycost

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Image with kind permission of @asukwoweb

The scribes of Gambrach were troubled by the absence of their King. For though they spake to the host that encamped around their liege, they heard not directly from the King himself. And when the people asked them, “what news have ye of our king?” the scribes would answer, “Pray ye for his quick recovery.” And the people would ask, “Recovery from what ailment? Tell us plainly, that we may know which of the gods to propitiate.” To which the scribes would respond, “Know ye not that thy king is an old man?” And the people, confused, would ask back, “Ye wouldst have us pray for his recovery from old age?” And the scribes would be irritated and would say in anger, “Depart and be gone! Ye lovers of hateration!”

Thus it was, one day in their weekly scribely gatherings, the men of the spinning quills looked at each other, unsure what they should write. They had tried to be strong in their tarrying for their King but their faith was being tested.

The people were singing the praise of Osinoshin, the pretend King. For unlike Gambrach he was yet within the realm of youth and he spake that which the people desired that Gambrach wouldst speak. And he went to places that the people desired Gambrach to go. And some of the people exclaimed, “Behold, a real king on the throne! See how he surpasseth Gambrach in everything!”

And this didst piss off the league of the spinning quills, for how dare the people think such a thing. Lo, didst they respond with a flurry of angered parchment, “Citizens of the kingdom, do not be unfortunate. Know ye not that Osinoshin is only that which Gambrach maketh and letteth him be? Take ye heed, that if ye see Osinoshin, ye see Gambrach. If he speaketh, tis the voice of Gambrach which ye hearest! Behold, if he polluteth the air by fart, know ye now for shizzle, tis the innards of Gambrach which thou smellest! For Gambrach is supremely supreme, suckers!”

But they were troubled, for real. There whispers of abdication, even as noise came from the northsteros that if Gambrach could not serve for 1 quadrannium and then another, they were entitled to put forward a young and healthy king in his stead. And the quills wondered what would become of them if this happened.

“Brothers, come what may,” said FemCallamitus, “I will write of the mercies of Gambrach forever, I will write of the mercies of the King. With my quill, will I make known his awesomeness to all generations!”

And one of the younger scribes, Bah Shally, was moved in his chest and also made a declaration. “My quill shall bless Gambrach at all times. His praise shall continuously flow from my ink. O magnify the king with me and let us exalt his name together!”

Yea, did Lar Yi, also proclaim with them, “It is a great thing to serve Gambrach! It is a great thing to serve Gambrach; walking in the light of the king. Oh, walk, walk, walk, walk, walking in the light! Since I was young, now I am old, I have never seen our king changeth!”

And as they were all there in their moment of profuse and obligatory adulation, behold there was rumbling of the ground, a closing and shutting of doors and windows and a kanayonic sound effect of nollywoodinian supernaturalism, and the room was at once filled with smoke. And then all who were in heard a deep voice say, “if you love Gambrach, let me hear you say yeah-yeah!” And the quills answered, “YEAH, YEAH!!!”

Behold, the smoke at once cleared, and revealed Gambrachoid flames dancing on the head of the adulating men of quill. And they were lost in an orgasmic frenzy of ecclesiastical griotism. Luckily for us all brethren, right at that very second, the painter Soo Quo was passing by and quickly recorded the scene for posterity. To him we owe the illiustration of this chapter.

And as the flames petered out and the tears fried from their faces, the scribes emerged from the room to testify to the people, speaking a new tongue. Twas revealed that the name of this new tongue was Frivolee.

First to speak was FemCallamitus. “Brethren! People of the kingdom! The spirit of Gambrach descended upon me and lo did he speak to me. Usually, he would call me Callamitus but today he called me by my hibernian nickname O’Scorpion! My king called me Fem O’Scorpion and told me to greet my household. Now I know that my redeemer liveth! And I am blessed from my soul into my loins!”

And Lar Yi and Bah Shally also testified. “Oh what a glorious day! We have heard the voice of our king and dwelt in his presence! Repent, ye haters. Ye mischief-makers! For he returneth soon! And when the king comes, will he find you as diligent and faithful as we the scribes of the spinning quill? Will ye partake of his glorious and tremendous kingdom?”

And then all eyes turned to Lay Si, to hear his testimony. But he testifieth not. Perhaps because he knew the ancient words handed down to the ancient prophet, Kirkus Lazarussia, which sayeth, “Ye shall never go fullus retardus!”  So they turned to Gar Bar. But Gar Bar was full of regret, for he had missed the visitation of Gambrach, having dashed out for a few seconds to make sure that Osinoshin was not being unduly acclaimed. “Dammit!” he muttered under his breath.

Brethren, there was chill in the land that day. Lo, the people were amused, full of mirth and very chilled. That day of visitation came to be known as the Blessed Day of Kingsleycost.

Selah, homies.

 

 

 

VEXIT: A Different Referendum Tale

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The people of Nigeria finally got their wish. After many constitutional conferences with the famous ‘no-go’ areas, where everything could be discussed apart from the things that had any impact whatsoever on Nigeria’s constitutional status as “…one indivisible and indissoluble sovereign nation under God…” there was finally going to be referendum. The people were going to be asked a simple, question – “Should Nigeria remain in its current geographical state?” – to which they would answer a simple Yes, or No.  “If a simple majority of the people vote No,” the President said, “then Nigeria as we know it shall be no more.”

 

The people were divided into Yesmen and Nono camps and it seemed from very early on that the Nonos had wider support from the public. A date was fixed for the referendum and in addition to strategizing on voting patterns, some groups thought it wise to begin to forge alliances ahead of the poll. Very quickly though, there was a protest from the South-East. “It is an outrage that we have only 5 constituent states”, its leaders said. “We cannot vote on the basis of a simple majority of the total number of voters. Rather, each region should be considered as one vote, based on how the majority of its indigenes vote. Like Big Brother Africa or CokeStudio.”

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The other regions quickly agreed. It seemed reasonable enough until someone pointed out that there were 6 regions, with nothing agreed on what would happen in the event of a tie. “If there’s a tie, the President should have the casting vote,” volunteered the North West, which by sheer coincidence, of course, was where the President was from. “It would be an outrage for there to be any other conclusion.” Of course, all the other regions were outraged and none of them agreed to this bizarre proposal, so a neutral umpire was proposed. It was decided that Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, leading African statesman, enemy of the European Imperialist, would be entrusted with the casting vote in the event of regional deadlock. In addition to his pan-Africanism, Old Rob was also known for the many made up quotes attributed to him. The Nigerians figured it would be nice to have him quoted as having made some other bizarre remark about Nigeria. Very quickly though, to sweeten him up, emissaries from all the regions were dispatched in private jets to Harare, laden with ice-cream of different flavours. His love of ice-cream was a notorious fact.

 

One day to the referendum, it seemed like all the objections were over and the referendum would finally go ahead. However, just as the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, hickory-dickory dock, the South-West leaders, armed with 217 Senior Advocates of Nigeria, marched to the Supreme Court to file a motion for injunction, of utmost national importance. They were outraged, for there had been rumours that large numbers of people were moving in from Chad and Niger to take part in the referendum. The South Western leaders wanted the referendum deferred until the National Identity Card project was completed and it was clear who the foreigners were.

Very quickly, the Association of Chadian and Nigerien Immigrants (ACNI) filed their own counter-petition. They sought to invoke their fundamental human rights of not being discriminated against on the basis of the place of their origin. The case was struck out for the obvious reason that the rights guaranteed by the constitution were guaranteed to Nigerians only. “I find that these nomads have no locus to bring this action and strike it out for being absolutely incompetent and lacking in merit” was the ruling of the Judge.

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However, the use of the word “nomad” by the judge had pissed some leaders off across the entire spectrum of the North. So, they appealed the judgement, alleging that it showed the judiciary to be biased against all persons of whom nomadism was a feature of their culture.

By this time, the South South had grown weary of the squabbling and its leaders took out full pages in all the national newspapers to complain about the plot of the rest of Nigeria to frustrate and truncate the referendum, with the aim of keeping their fangs sucking the blood of oil from the flesh of their land. They urged the other regions to stop faffing about and to get the show on the road.

 

The next day, a major pipeline was bombed by the South South Justice League Avengers Squad. They issued a statement on their website, giving an ultimatum. They would blow up a new pipeline every week until the referendum was held.

 

The President, though determined not to be seen as meddling, knew he had to intervene and set a firm date for the referendum, as the brewing crisis threatened to boil over. He called a meeting of all the State Governors, with the hope that they would be able to calm down their respective constituencies if he gave them certain assurances.

 

“Your Excellencies, the eyes of the world are on us. We need to get our people to stop behaving like dogs and baboons. Their blood is too hot at the moment. We must calm down the polity.” The Governors knew the President was right and resolved amongst themselves to do what was necessary to facilitate the referendum. The first of those things, was to prevail on all the camps in litigation to withdraw their petitions and commit to a new date for the referendum. The rose from the meeting, issued a communique to the press and left the president feeling happy and fulfilled.

 

The next day, as the newspapers were brought to the President for his morning tea in the Presidential Palace Gardens, he noticed to his surprise that large sections of the front pages had been cut out. Irritated, he called for his chief press officer. “What is the meaning of this?”

 

“Meaning of what, your Excellency?”

 

The President raised the paper, so the CPO could see the gaping hole in its front page. “This.”

 

“Oh, that, sir. It must be the printer’s devil.”

 

The President had recently been warned by physician to watch his temper. The pressure of the rupturing nation and the logistics of the referendum were taking their toll on his blood pressure. So, very calmly, he walked into the ante-room to check the papers there. Immediately, he understood why his press team had gone to such snippy lengths.

 

“SCANDAL ENGULFS REFENDUM MACHINE SUPPLIER” screamed the headline. “Ya Allah!” exclaimed the President. A senator from Kogi state had informed the press that the Senate would be investigating the sums repatriated by Mercury Tally Numbers Limited, the supplier, to its home country South Africa.

 

“Foreign businesses cannot just come here and say because they have invested, they can just take out any sums they like. No! I will personally lead a protest into the bank’s server room to block remittances if this is not investigated immediately!” the Senator was quoted as having said. His colleagues in the Senate very shortly afterwards resolved to pass a resolution proscribing the company from operations until the investigation was over. This effectively meant that a new logistics partner had to be found for the referendum.

 

The President sighed and clenched his jaw, tightly. It was time for the gloves to come off.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: Silence of the Gambs

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The season of unchill persisted as the people had no word from King Gambrach. People visited the gallery of Moborious, the King’s chief painter for new pictures of the King, bedecked in a glorious splendour of tear-inducing swag, as of old, but Moborious painted nothing new.

But paintings began to mysteriously appear in the Kingdom. First, of lady Yeesha, the queen, purportedly in the Jandinian vacationary quarters of the King. And many heaved a sigh of relief. “At least our king standeth and at least he liveth!” And Gambrach’s Counsellor for Matters of Citizens Who Had Seen The Light and Fled the Kingdom, Bee Ree, cackled with glee, exclaiming, “He who hateth may yet claim this painting a forgery, nay a photosynthensis of shop. Losers.”

And yea, were there indeed haters who dug up similar paintings from ages past, wherein Gambrach and Yeesha wore the very same garments. Perhaps, insisted the Buhliebers, these are the special Jandinian garments of Gambrach and Yeesha.

Finally, new paintings emerged, first of Shiwajun and Kan Day sharing pleasantries with Gambrach and then of Abushola and Doh Gah. Lo, did Abushola return to the people proclaiming, “Gambrach buzzeth. For yea, whilst it seemeth unto thee that the Gambranic paintings showeth only laughter and not conversation, ye doubt because ye knowest not thy king. Behold, King Gambrach is a king of great witticisms and sardonic insight and our laughter was because, goddam it, the man is funny!”

“What did he say?” demanded the people. “Duh-uh”, came the reply from Abushola, “like I said, wi-tty and fu-nny stuff.”

So, the people chilled somewhat, for at least the fake tidings of Gambrach being infirm and bed-bound at the meisters was fake news. Bad!

The people chilled even further as Pretend-King Osinoshin traversed the land, visiting regions that Gambrach visiteth not and saying that which Gambrach sayeth not, greatly endearing him to the people. Yea, did he even voyage to South Easteros, land of the 5 per centers, where Gambrach had yet to set foot. “We love this pretend-rule of the pretend-king,” the people exclaimed, “for in this fortnight, Osinoshin doeth much to bind the regions of our kingdom together.”

And in this time of love in the Kingdom, King The Trumpet, of Trumpstantinople, felt shorn of the the love of his people. For daily did they lampoon him and remind him of his tiny hands. And he grew weary of it, for his hands were tremendous and big and he had the whole world in them. And so he gathered the men and women of news together and told them they were all just a bunch of girls and he was going to grab them by their pooh-seas. “I am a great and awesome King, you fools, and ye shall totally and utterly not question me. No way, hombres. Henceforth, if ye callest my name, ye shall call it with some gaddem respeck. Ye shall RESPECK. MY. AUTHORITAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!”

And behold, the unchill rippled from Trumpstantinople across the entire cosmos. The men and women of news called it a spectacle for the ages, for they had never before in all their 44 reigns before The Trumpet seen a king like him.

In the Kingdom of Gambrach, something was afoot. There was a kingdom in the North, called Dunamis, and it was a divided Kingdom, with the people of the North of it and those in the South having frequent clashes. And the clashes would come and they would go. And lo they came again and they went again. And then they came again in the time of the Social Medianites, the Twilistines and the Digital Perusites, who were a generation that recorded every gaddem thing and let it be known far and wide.

The Dunamist clashes raged and it was the Southern Dunamists that were being oppressed. For lo, they were besieged by the Fulannisters, who were known to practice nomadic husbandry and were always in search of greener pastures. The Southern Dunamists were farmers, with fertile land and bountiful harvests. And lo, the clashes arose because some Fulannister herdsmen decided that no farm was too private for breaking into and feeding their livestock. This not only ruined the harvest, but some of the Fulannister herders also bore deadly arms and killed the farmers whose land they forcefully entered into. Yea, did the Social Medianites and Twilistines make it known, especially those who hailed from Southern Dunamis, that they were under siege.

The King of Dunamis was a man named El Farquaad, a Fulannister himself. El Farquaad had served as a councillor during the reign of King Shegolas, but was said to have been one of the number who prevented Gejoshaphat from seeing Ma Roo when the latter took ill. And in the days leading up to electoralis, did he proclaim a great many grievous things  all to ensure that Gambrach emerged victorious. Many grievous things, I tell ya. And I shall tell thee one of the most grievous.

If ye watchest the Game of Thrones, ye knowest that the Lannisters always pay their debts. Well, El Farquaad made it clear, when some Fulannister men were killed by the King Gejoshaphat’s army in the hunt for the evil tribe of Boko, that the life of a Fulannister is a loan and that the Fulannisters would always collect their debt.

Now, of the Twilistines that hailed from Southern Dunamis and cried against the massacre of the Southern Dunamists, was a man named Woo Doo, just like Gambrach’s Councillor for Growing Rice. Unlike that ancient farming Woo Doo however, this Woo Doo was the mayor of the City of Cocoa Paste Bards & Poets. Daily, did Woo Doo tell tales of the blood and gore in Southern Dunamis.

One day, behold, he told how his chariotman’s brother and colleagues had been killed by rampaging Fulanisters but yea, was it fake news. And when Woo Doo realised the chariotman only told the story for Woo Doo bequeath him some coin, Woo Doo handed the chariotman over to the law and told it far and wide that he had regretfully spread fake news. Sad!

But news came from Dunamis that a magistrate had ordered Woo Doo’s arrest on behalf of the throne of Dunamis, and that the Deliverance Squad Squadron had seized Woo Doo from Lagos to deliver him to Dunamis. And lo, unchill spread from the City of Cocoa Paste Bards & Poets into the entire Kingdom. “Free Woo Doo”, they shouted and tagged of hashes. And there was no chill in the land.

Then, news came to the Kingdom that The Trumpet was going to speak to the King of the Kingdom. And all assumed that it would be Pretend-King Osinoshin that The Trumpet would speak to, for as far as they knew, Gambrach could only laugh and smile wittily. He had not spoken to the people so they assumed he could not yet speak . But lo, more news came from Bedrock that it was Gambrach that The Trumpet would be speaking with, not Osinoshin.

“How can Gambrach, who has temporarily relieved himself of the Kingship be the King that The Trumpet speaketh with?” the people demanded.

“Get it right” FemCallamitus answered them, “thou canst not force Gambrach thy King to speak to thee. For he shall speak to thee in the fullness of a time of his own choosing and ain’t nuthing you can do about it, suckers!!!”

And behold, there was not a gaddem iota, nor modicum, nor speculum, nor fragment of chill in the entire Kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: Watch the Throne

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The chronology of the Kings of the Kingdom starting with the emancipation of the kingdom from the rule of Jandinia. King Lay Wah was the first to ascend the throne. At the same, there was another who also sitteth with one butt cheek on the throne, and he was called Z. Ki-Way. But then there was the mutiny of the centurions and they put Lay Wah to the sword. King Gwi Yi quelled the rebellion and was king for a short while. But he was also put to the sword and Jackie Wan became King.

 

Jackie Wan reigned for a long, long time, and the great war of Frabiapob took place during his reign. On the other side during the Frabiapobian war was Joo Koo, who declared a break away kingdom of Frabiapob in the south. Jackie Wan was deposed by Tah Lah, who is said to have committed atrocities during the great war of Frabiapob. Tah Lah was also put to the sword and was succeeded by Shegolas of Owurutas. And Shegolas was the last of the first centurions, and he ceded the throne to a civilian known as Shey Hu. The reign of Shey Hu was truncated by Gambrach, who was yet a centurion; a severe man of Gunn. Gambrach was ousted by Gi Dah, who stepped aside, in the wake of the truncated transition to Shimawo Okazaki, for  Kan Sho, a civilian. Kan Sho was ousted very quickly by Bar Chah, who died on the throne and was succeeded by Sah Lam. Sah Lam finally yielded to the civilians and was succeeded by the same Shegolas of Owurutas, who had nearly died in prison at the hand of Bar Chah. Shegolas reigned for two quadrannia and was succeeded by Mah Roo. Mah Roo also died on the throne and was succeeded by Gejoshaphat. Gejoshaphat was succeeded by Gambrach (now of broom, no longer of Gunn) after Gambrach defeated him at electoralis.

 

But let us rewind briefly. Mah Roo reigned for only two years when he was struck by a secret and mysterious ailment. And the courtiers at Bedrock denied that Mah Roo was infirm. Yea, even when he was rushed out to Sah Oud and brought back in the dead of night, it was said that he sniffed the flowers and read the holy script. And Gejoshaphat, who was the King’s Hand, was denied power by the powers that were. But the people marched and cried out for a king and then the senateens succumbed to lex necessitas and proclaimed Gejoshaphat interim king.

 

Whither all this history, thou asketh? Well, these are the chronicles, dammit. And the foregoing chapter of the chronicles told how after the siege of SurroundedbySenegalistan, Gambrach wrote to senatii that he was proceeding on vah catio. In his missive, Gambrach informed the senatii that he would be gone for 10 days during which time, he would take the opportunity to see his meisters for a routine check-up. Perhaps the Many Years disease was afflicting him again, especially will all the shouting and posturing he had just endured at the hand of King Jamming.

 

But then the winds brought back news from Jandinia that Gambrach was gravely ill but his scribes Gar Bar and FemCallamitus denied it, the latter proclaiming that even the Lord rested on the 7th day. The people were not convinced, for they heard not the voice of Gambrach and the malarkey was reminiscent of the last days of Mah Roo, when Shegolas calleth to him across the oceans and enquired, “Mah Roo! Art thou kpeme’d?” To which Mah Roo had replied, “Ah Shegolas, my times are not in my hand. I live, but eyan le ku any fo’cken time!”

 

And the people were restless and unchill blew. Yea, did it blow louder than the Trumpet was blowing itself from the Hill. “Give us our king! Or let us know his fate!” the people cried out. “If he returneth not, how shalt Nono GenGen be made Primus Magistratus?”

 

And Osinoshin addressed the people. “Subjects of Gambrach, I bring ye glad tidings of great joy of Gambrach’s revelment in a state of haleness and heartifulness. I spake with him and yea did we speak of many things, fools and kings, and this he said to me ‘comfort ye my people’. Behold, I send Nono Gengen’s nomination to senatii. See? The throne, like willie, is working.”

 

But the people were unchilled. For even in the midst of the mysterious malady of Mah Roo, they heard his voice. And the people cried out again, “Give us our king, we say!” And then FemCallamitus took centre stage, to respond to the cry of the people, and they groaned, for FemCallamitus was really full of shit.

 

“Oh thou that bringest false tidings of the demise of Gambrach to zion. Thou shouldst be full of shame. For I know that my Gambrach liveth!”

 

“Is that so?” they asked FemCallamitus. “Riddle us this then. How often speakest thou to him?”

 

“Daily, without fail! Well, I speak unto them that surround him and assure me that they speak to him in Jandinia. And verily, I believe them. For I know that they cannot lie.”

 

And the people were sore  unchilled. For they had seen this movie before. Yea, did they believe neither FamCallamitus nor Osinoshin. “Where is our beloved king?” the people demanded yet. But Gambrach’s council was silent. Woo Doo spake not about rice, Mefilius spake neither about the coin, or indeed rice. Shittinski never said much anyway, so twas not a surprise that nowt was heard from him. Lady Kem Shun, me blad, me fam, was jus chilling and being a peng ting innit fam?

 

And there was a brief period of chill, as in the eye of the storm, news reached the people that King Snoop Neffy Neff, former king of Deltonia, champion of the tribe of Gah Ra, was returning from his exile in Jandinia. It was said, but only by malicious, nefarious and dastardly rumour mongers, that Neffy Neff had stolen the coin of the Deltons and tried to hide it in Jandinia. The evil people also said that Neffy Neff had once been a mere stable boy in Jandinia. But the Gah Rans and the Deltons did not give a flying gaddem. He was their champion. He was their kingmaker, even in exile and like the nemesis of John & Sarah Connor, he was back. And yea, did they rejoice at his arrival.

 

Then, behold, word came to the people that Gambrach had written another letter to senatii, to let them know that he needed to prolong his vah catio. “The meisters have required him to ride a cycle as test”, FemCallamitus explained, “for as ye knowest, Many Years afflicted the ears and in the ears is our balance. If Gambrach rideth the cycle in his test and falleth not, then we and ye shall know that he be cool again.”

 

Behold, there was no chill in the land. It was gone. And from the perch of his balcony, above the fray of unchill, Shiwajun looked at it all with a smile on his face. Wahala Morghulis, he thought, as he sipped the wine of seedless grapes from his goblet. And Neffy Neff slapped the goblet out of his hand and the seedless grape wine spilled on the floor. “Look at me. Look at me. As the great prophet Latiffus Kayodensis prophesied, you are not only the one dat dey there! Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

 

 

The Chronicles of Chill: The Balavidan Epistle & the Siege of SurroundedBySenegalistan

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The Trumpet finally blew from the Hill and a new world order of tremendousness began in the Kingdom of Trumpstantinople, which was witnessed in Judea, Samaria and yea, unto all the ends of the earth. And they many were the host that encamped around the ascension of the blowing of the Trumpet but yea were they not nearly as many as witnessed the two coronations of the two quadrannia of King Baraccus. Or so it was thought, for King The Trumpet was sorely vexed at insinuations of anything less than his coronation being the fairest, most tremendously viewed of them all. And yea, did he send his head scribe, FrankSpencer, to announce to the people that lo, it had been the best coronation since coronations began, period.

In the land of Gambrach, there was a signal from across the lands to the west that King Jamming of SurroundedBySenegalistan, after reigning for one score and two years and losing to Flavour’s TomatoJos, was refusing to vacate the throne. This was a big worry for the regional kings, and they quickly gathered in the palace of Gambrach to deliberate on what to do. They were all there – Queen Sirloin Steak of Ro Via, King Plagiariser of Chalehstan and King Big Mack Daddy of Wollofia. Yea, did they enter into conclave and emerged, resolved not to let SurroundedBySenegalistan descend into anarchy. And behold, they began to move their military formations towards King Jamming.

They also rode to the Castle of King Jamming and pleaded with him to heed the word of the people. But Jamming was adamant. “My voice is the voice of the people!” he proclaimed. And when the kings and queen left, they sent a further emissary with a message that their armies were approaching and would force him out if he did not yield. In response, he raised his foot, kicked the emissary into a deep well and yelled, “THISH ISH SHPART..oh, I mean… THISH ISH SHURROUNDEDBYSENEGALISTAN!!!”

With all his unmitigated bravado, it was a grand surprise that his troops offered no resistance as the coalition armies entered their land. They had seen the movie 300 and knew that no glory awaited them because in the regions below the great desert of Sah Har, no death for country is a good death, or indeed a useful one. And King Jamming departed and TomatoJos ascended the throne. Porokoto pon pon pon.

The exertion of all the horseback diplomacy and the surrounding tension proved too much for Gambrach. And so he proceeded on recess, writing to the Abushola and the senatii, that he would be away for 10 days. Some people who think they know everything quickly brought out their abacuses (or is it abaci?) and calculated that Gambrach was going away for more than 10 days, but they knew nothing. Gambrach also added that he would use the opportunity of his recess to see his meisters in Jandinia again, but did not elaborate.

The rumblings of unchill quickly began in the land, with intense speculation about the abrupt recess of Gambrach in a time of recession and wailing, and weather or not the Many Years with which he was afflicted had grown worse.

It was also in this time that the day of the prophecy of the return of the spirit of MoolahMagicMarvel was supposed to return to the land. But behold, the spirit had heard the cries of its adherents from far away in Putinia and returned to the people 2 days ahead of the day prophesied. And the worshippers ntoined to the unbelievers, telling them ‘we told thee! If only ye would have had faith. If only ye had believed, ye too would partake of these reloaded blessings the spirit is about to unload.”

And the spirit spake to its worshippers. “Guess who’s back in the moolah magic house, with some cash chips for ya moolah marvel mouths?” And the worshippers went into a frenzy. ” ‘Tis thee, oh great MoolahMagicMarvel, great benevolent ponzinian spirit. Tis thee!”

“That’s right! It is me! And I bring glad tidings of great joy. They who waited upon me shall renew their vim. But not immediately, however, as the number of waiters is really tremendous. So, in my beneficence and ultimate moolah wisdom, I shall reopen the doors to my temple in slow-motion. Ye may look at it and it may seem that nothing happeneth, but this is the marvel of slow motion. For ye shall only see it, if ye believe, when it is done!”

The worshippers were ecstatic. And they watched. And although nothing seemed to be happening, this was what the great spirit had said would happen. And they watched some more. And tis said, that many remain watching till this day, unbeknownst to them that the high priest of the MoolahMagicMarvel had fled with his family ‘to abroad’. For those that stayed woke, it was evident that the spirit had eaten up their offerings and that there would be no more blessings. For lo, the spirit had gone silent. And there was a little more rumbling of unchill.

Behold, news then reached the people that Gambrach had sent an epistle to the senatii in response to the report of senatii on the intervention council led by Balavida, and its encounter with the deadly grass corruptio korikonensis and kwarapta intrusivo. And Abushola read Gambrach’s letter to the men and women of senatii.

Dear Senateens,

Peace and greetings from London. Now knoweth I, verily, that Yellowman lyeth not in his riddim from the 1980s, because right now, “London Kwold, repeat again, repeat again, London Kwold. Nigeria nice, repeat again, repeat again, Nigeria nice.” But enough of the doxology.

I am not unaware that some of ye were of the assumption, when Abushola thy Warden stood up to read this scroll, that I was about to request that Lord Nono Gengen be confirmed by ye as Primus Magistratus in the land. Well, unfortunately for those who thought so, that is not the purpose of this letter. Nono Gengen go dey alright.

This letter is in response to your allegations about the squire to my council, Balavida. Thou wishest, nay, desirest, that I dismiss him from the council on the charge that he may have used too much of the funds for intervention in north easteros to cut weeds that obscured his path.

First of all, have ye not read the story of Sleeping Beauty? When a spell was cast around the castle to keep Prince Philip from reaching the tower and an invasive and resilient plant formation grew around the castle, which specie of weed do you think he had to cut through to complete his rescue mission? Excatly. Kwarapta Intrusivo. And he needed a magic sword! I did not even give Balavida a magic sword! This is my first technicality.

Secondly, ye know that I am a renowned rearer of cattle. In fact, my two main hobbies in life are hating corruption and breeding cows. And I am renowned for both. When you breed cows, sometimes you have a favourite. People sometimes call your favourite cows ‘sacred cows’ but this is an alternative fact. Balavida  is akin to such a favourite for me, and special cows eat special grass. If a favourite cow wants to eat 2 strains of special grass, what is the problem? This is my second technicality.

Thirdly, ye know that I abhor corruption. I detest it so much, that I can smell it from kilometres away. Behold, the stench is more putrid than bullshit. And ye know that I know bullshit because I breed bulls. Now, if being such a great smeller of corruption from afar, I smelled it not on Balavida from anear, how can I believe your feeble petition, signed by so few senateens? This is my third technicality.

Here ye then what I say. Technicality wise, Balavida stays, for now.

And the spirit of wawu descended into the midst of the people. They could not believe that these were the words of Gambrach. And once again, all over the land, except in SurroundedBySenegalistan, there was no gaddem chill to be found.

The Chronicles of Chill: Days of Banishments & Fake Tidings

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The pestilence of unchill continued to hang over the kingdom of Gambrach but reprieve came in the month of the feast of nativitus. Yea, was it turnt, as the people rose in one accord to eat, drink and be merry, lest they perished.

In that time, there was another wedding of celebritine savour, as the Princess of Ko Tow, daughter of King Tambourine was joined in wedlock to the son of Ser Galman of the province of Snap, Crackle and Pop. And as the hoi aristoi revelled in the celebritine savour of the moment, behold men of the Hezbollah descended upon them and smashed their gourds of expensive mead. Ol’boy!!!!

The Hezbollah were the petit gendarmes of Ko Tow and were pitifully unaware that the were only free to hezboll occasions and venues lacking in celebritine; that their mandate could by no means extend into the courts of King Tambourine. Behold, before the children could recite their favourite nursery rhyme “rice smuggled hot, rice smuggled cold, rice smuggled in a truck, 9 days old“, King Tambourine banished them into inexistence.

In the south of the land, news reached the people that, further to an edict from Obeezee4Sheezee, prefect of commercial reporting in the kingdom, GoDaddy, the supreme domain registrar at roccing dot come, relinquished his seat as supereme overall in the land to another.

Roccing dot come was one of the most famous domains of religion in the land and GoDaddy  one of the most renowned supreme overall domain registrars. Another famous registrar, though far less so, was Osinoshin the Comer Comelion, Hand to Gambrach.

And behold, the people of the domain were aghast at the loss of GoDaddy. Other domainers from other domains were also fearful, that the edict would also lead to the loss of their supreme overall registrars, such as PapaDontPreach, Kum’Bayah, Soul Glo, and so on. “Whither the dominion in the land, and the domains, if these great registrars are to be banished?” they cried.

But the domainers need not have feared. For the next morning, before the children could sing their second favourite nursery rhyme, “Ol’ Go slow yes they rob I, strand I still I standing still”, Gambrach arose from deep slumber and banished Obeezee4Sheezee from the prefecture. (Ol’GoSlow was a melody made famous by the great bard Marley Majek. Song otherwise called Redemption Camp).

Many in the land said that Osinoshin had whispered into the non-ManyYears ear of Gambrach, but the Chronicler be not a bearer of fake tidings that have not been brought by the revelation of the Tword.

For fake news was a pestilence, even far away across the sea in Barackistan, where the sun was setting on the second and final quadrannium of the king. A new King, King the Trumpet, was about to blow himself from the Hill, and rechristen the Kingdom Trumpstantinople.

And behold, sad tidings of great scorn were brought to them and all mankind, that Vladz the Bahdt Guyz had hired the greatest mystic marabouts from the Far East to conjure up demons to impugn the integrity of electoralis in that land. Twas also said that the demon Nepotisto was going to follow the Trumpet into the Palace. But he called it all fake tidings – “Behold, my sons shall administer my trade empire, and the said affairs will not intersect with the affairs of the kingdom, For I have commanded them never to discuss my empire with me. And I am nothing if not a man of honour and the truth always. Yea, does it make me and my hands tremendous.”

The King of the kingdom of Zico, neighbour to Trumpstantinople, heard the proclamation and said “What? Oh no, thou didsnt!”

*We now take a break from the regular chronicles to bring you a message from our Papyrus sponsor…hehehe…just joke of Chronicler and unique way to segue back to the land of Gambrach…*

Because, in the land of Gambrach, news reached the people that the coin of Daisy Annie was about to be confiscated by the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission. Yea, was Daisy Annie still not seen in the land, but it was said that the Everlies had found One gross, Half a Score and Three million Trumpetinion coins in her bank. Some rejoiced, some called it fake tidings, for it was a tremendous amount of money.

And back in Trumpetino, the King of Zico could no longer maintain his chill. “Listen here, the Trumpet” he began,”thou callest thyself a man of truth, yet thou lyest to the Trumpetinians. Trumpy why you lyin’? Oh my gawd! Tell me you lyin’? Thou lyest that thou wouldst build a wall and we the Zicans shall pay. Once have I said it, twice has my voice gone out. Now let it be known, that there is no gaddem way I shall be paying for thy focken wall.”

Whoooooooosh! That is a sound ye knowest. Tis a sound that tells you that throughout the land, throughout the gaddem stratos, there was not an iota of chill anywhere.

The Chronicles of Chill: The Savor of Celebritine

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Brethren, the chill in the land was an uneasy one because there was much wailing. The wailing was louder than it ever was or ever had been because the Lovengers were wailing as well. No more did they take pride in the King’s posture, no basked in the glory of his utterances nor inhaled deeply the fragrance of his kaka. The wailing reached Bedrock, but all refused to hear it for it was better to be infused with the membrane of the Many Years’ disease, which troubled the King.

The people were united in their wailing for many-a-reason. The Iron Bank of Boo Jar had run out of copper and had taken to disbursing coins of wood. Mefilius ensured that that the King and his councillors had all the wooden coin they needed, in copious amounts. The councillors were mildly worried that the coin of the Kingdom was flammable and combustible but it took care of their many needs.

At senatii, Dinobetes Melitus presented the matter of the camp of the displaced and the corruptio korikonensis. For word had come forth that the council for that Balavida, who was squire to the King’s council, had been put in charge of the succour-bringing intervention council of Gambrach and had paid himself from the King’s purse to cut the corruptio korikonensis. And the men and women of senatii were filled with rage and called for Gambrach to relieve him of his post.

Word reached Balavida that this was the will of senatii concerning him and he said unto them with full vim and vigour, “Ye people of senatii, ye speakest rubbish. Know ye not with whom ye dealest? Una head no correct.” And the senatii heard it and they were like, “Wawu! The effrontery! How dare he say this?” And Abushola, warden of senatii, whose travails were now long since forgotten, for whom wahala was no longer morghulis, said “‘Tis a very serious matter before us brethren Balavida messeth with our swag!”

Brethren, ye know that of all the swag in the land, of all the imbuement of the sweet aroma of gravitas, none was more endowed than E-Dawg, councillor for petrolatum. And E-Dawg had been busy, yo. E-Dawg had voyaged to the congress of the Oligopoly of Petrolatum Conjurers and after a conclave with them, it was agreed that all but the Kingdom of Gambrach would conjure less petrolatum. And as E-Dawg stepped out of the conclavic congress, behold, the prayers of Gambrach were answered, as the price of petrolatum ascended.

And the people asked him, “How achievest thou this feat, E-Dawg?” And he answereth unto them, saying “You know, I’m just gonna be straight with you mehnn…it’s my pimping navy blue suit. You put on pimping threads and keep things 1 hunned, let me tell you mahn, can’t nobody take ya pride, can’t nobody hold you down, oh no, you’re gonna keep on moving. Peace out.” And E-Dawg left them marvelling at the trail of swag he left behind.

In further account of marvelousity, a new spirit traversed the land. The people were divided in their reception of the spirit, for it was unlike the spirits of Wawu and Egbami to which they had grown accustomed. To some it was a benevolent spirit, to others it had a malevolent agenda. It was a spirit of ponzification and its name was MoolahMagicMarvel. It strongly possessed the people of the land causing them to bring their coin, scarce as it was, with a promise to marvelously and magically multiply it. The bankers of Boo Jar warned the people but they would not heed the word, and many emptied their coffers into the temple of MoolahMagicMarvel. For a while, the spirit kept its promise and more followers came. One morning, as the devotees gathered for worship, the temple was sealed shut and the sexton passed a message from the priests unto the people. The spirit though pleased with them was unhappy with their lack of faith and would cause them to desire him more be departing from them for 2 moons!

“Whither our coin?” the people asked. The sexton replied “It is safe in the temple.”

“But we are in need of our coin. In dire need of it. Some of us have sold land, others abandoned our education. What shall we do.”

“Ye shall occupy until the great spirit returneth. Forget ye not, that the most benevolent great spirit had admonished thee, that thou bringest only thy spare coin? If ye doest beyond this and heedeth not the admonition of the great spirit, thou art O-Y-O.”

And brethren, there began to be unchill.

Back in senatii, Magoo awaited confirmation of his appointment as chief of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission – so that he he would really begin his war of marvel, awe and shock against graft in the land. But a scroll had been delivered to senatii, from the Deliverance Squad Squadron, that Mr Magoo did not come to their equity with clean hands. Mr. Magoo neverhessperredit and quickly sent a pigeon to Kyocera, head of the Squadron.

“Dear Kyocera, senatii sayeth unto me that thou bringest a word against me. How can this be? Together we wrought havoc on corrupt judges, not giving a second thought to due process. Thou wert Butch Cassidy and I thy Sundance Kid. Thou wert Batman and I thy Robin. Thou wert Aki and I your PawPaw. Thou knowest, surely that Nollywood maketh not a movie with just Aki! Thou art but the fakest guy.”

Kyocera received the missive from Mr. Magoo and quietly wrote back by return pigeon. “Behold, it is written, on the evil day many will say to me, Dawg, Dawg, ridest I not with thee? Breakest I doors down not with thee? Arresteth not I the grafters in thy name? And I shall say to them, not everyone that rideth with me be my homeboy. Depart from me for I knowest thee not. I say these not to thee however, until thou callest me a fake guy. Behold my pettiness!”

Such was rare in the land and the people thought this meant trouble for Mr. Magoo. But there was an ancient pharisee in the land, much revered, much versed in the law of the land. So versed was he, that he had written several scrolls. And his name, aptly, was Sagacious. Gambrach had appointed Sagacious as chief of the king’s advisory council on graft (another council, yes, the chronicler only records the Tword as it is revealed). Since Sagacious became a courtesan, it seemed to the people that his voice had changed. Sagacious came to the people and said, “In the matter of Mr. Magoo, the most unprecedentedly competent head of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, we shall be ignoring the law of the land, ignoring senatii, and we shall leave Mr. Magoo there for as long as we like. Thus sayeth me! And I say, as Judge Dredd sayeth in the original Stallone movie (not the dreary Karl Urban remake), I AM DE LAW!!!!”

And there was amazement at the words of Sagacious. And there again began to be even more unchill. But a storm was coming, for Gar Bar, head scribe to Gambrach had found his voice again and spoke to the people as it concerned the wedding of Asos and Noodlinho.

“O wretched people of the land, downtrodden of the earth, hoi polloi of our society, ye knowest that the wedding of Gambrach’s daughter Asos to her betrothed, Noodlinho, is ordinarily an occasion of pomp and pageantry – an occasion full of celebritine savor. I say this not unaware of your tribulations; but ye are wretched and my voice, the voice of Gambrach is a blessing unto thee!”

The people were taken aback.

“In a medium-rare, well done, or perhaps only a rare twist, depending on how much thou likenest a twist to a steak, the King has insisted that this wedding shall be entirely private affair.”

The people were confused. But Gar Bar continued.

“This celebritine savor will yet permeate this glorious occasion. Thy king is the bestest most humblest king ever and he protesteth at feeding his guests at the wedding banquet from the Kingdom’s purse. We, his glorious aides, including Balavida – he who cutteth corruptio korikonensis and payeth himself handsomely with money from the King’s purse – have taken it upon ourselves to feed the King’s guests. Thank us, ye peasants, and smell the savour of our magnanimity!”

Behold, chill again departed the land!