The Chronicles of Chill: Gambrach’s Other Room


Brethren and Sisthren, chill had long departed the kingdom. Nobody was hammering anymore as their hammers had been covered with recessionary latex and turned into mallets and the ceteris was no longer paribus in the econominix of the environment.


Everyday, Oshinoshin, the Hand of King Gambrach, would come into the village square to pronounce to the Kingdom all the great machinations of the mind of the King. Each day, when the wailing was at its ebb, he would tell the people, Your King will build this, the King’s council will do that, we are planning to do this. Yet nothing was done. Wherefore the people christened him Comer Comer Comer Comer Comer Comelion, for he used to come and go, with his dreams all red, gold and green.


And then one night, as the people put aside their wailing to prepare for sleep, the Deliverance Squadron Squad, imbued with the precarious spirit of Egbami, swooped on the abodes of the highest judges in the land. Behold, they lifted up their heads against ye gates and broke down their previously everlasting doors and laid siege to their dwelling places.


The people were alarmed because the Deliverance Squad Squadron were a secret militia, whose primary purpose was to prevent insurgency and treason in the land. Also, as the purported reason for the swooping was the alleged enrichment of the judges of themselves, by themselves, in the most egregious manner, the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission was by law the appropriate organ of the King’s forces, and many were disturbed at the deployment of the formerly secret Deliverance Squad Squadron. This was more so, especially as Mr. Magoo, the nearsighted leader of the Everly Commission had long since complained about the judges not ruling in favour of the Commission.


But the Lovengers were pleased. “Oh the fragrant scent of Gambrachian justice!” they proclaimed. “See ye the announcement by the Deliverance Squad of all the coin that they have delivered from the houses of the judges! Surely this is evidence of their perfidy!”


“Why choosest thou to be fickle and unremembering of the many so-called deliverances of the Deliverance Squad? The 90 billion shekels of Daisy Annie? The 50 million Barrackistani shekels in the farm of Mar-Ku, predecessor of Lar-Yi in the office of councillor for propaganda…seest thou these deliverances in truth and verity?”


And the Deliverance Squad decided to call their deliverance swoop a sting. And lo, was it the bluntest sting in the history of stings, and was not at all like a sting causing but a mere swelling on the arm, but more a collision of chariots that breaketh the arms and legs of a victim.


But lo, in spite of the copious amounts of coin, both foreign and local, which the deliverance squad proclaimed that it had delivered, no charge was proffered against the judges. Wherefore it was proclaimed across the land, “Oh DeSS, where is thy victory? Where, oh DeSS thy sting? The sting of DeSS is sin and the power of sin is the lawyer.”


The people blamed Gambrach for the misadvaneture of the Deliverance Squad. And behold, while the people wailed and complained, wondering what manner of affliction made its kings across different quadrania act unbecomingly, word came from Roo Ben, head scribe of King Gejoshaphat. “Brethren”, said Roo Ben, “tis true what thou thinkest about life at Bedrock. Our kings wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual hosts in subterranean places. Seest thou not say una leaders no too dey get sense again when they enter Bedrock? Seest thou not the death of the wife of King Shegolas, the death of King Yardy, the afflictions of Lady PeiPei which cleareth once Gejoshaphat was no more king? Ye must pray to the gods, old and new. In fact, scratch that. Ye must break down this Bedrock and build a new one.”


And the spirit of Wawu traversed the land yet again. For people were amazed that a man of science and logic, such as Roo Ben, could foray into the metaphysical. But yea, were they also filled with concern. “How then copest Gambrach and Yeeshah?” the people asked. “Is the Many Years Disease of Gambrach an affliction of the subterranean? Is Lady Yeeshah in soundness of body and mind and in good cheer?”


Almost as if Lady Yeeshah heard their enquiries, Lady Yeeshah spoke in the public square of the burden of her heart. “Remember ye when Gambrach declaraed that he woulds be a fakest guy if he appointeth not his ride or die homies? I, his wife of one Mandelanic period, remember. I, his wife of one Mandelanic period am therefore aghast that of the two score and ten men that surroundeth Gambrach, Gambrach knoweth but ten of them. As a wife of one Mandelanic period, I wouldest know his ride or dies and behold, the host that encamp around our dwellings are not known to me.”


“Wawu”, said the moderator of her discussion. “Sayest thou that Gambrach be not in control of the kingdom.”


“Thou seest him, so thou knowest the answer.” replied Lady Yeeshah. And in the spirit of the great bard of the Kingdom, Felanimus Kutinski, it finisheth not, it finisheth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, for she continued.


“As for me, I have purposed in my heart not to stand by his side should he seek a renewal of his reign in the next quadranium. Neither shall I ask the women of the kingdom to stand for him in electoralis. For I am quite bigly pissed off.”


Myyyyyyy gheeeeeuuuurrrrrd!!! This was unprecedented in the entire scrolls of the chronicles of the kingdom, for the wife of the King to speak so brazenly against him in the open. And the people wondered what the response of Gambrach would be, for they remembered that he used to be a man of Gunn.


Fortunately for them, Gambrach was on his way out of the Kingdom again, on his way to Allegmania, the Kingdom of Queen Mer Kell, who Gambrach called Queen Me Shell, perhaps due to his affliction of Many Years Disease. It was fortunate for the people of the Kingdom, because of his outspokenness – his speaking only when he was out of the Kingdom (this is recycled joke of chronicler, so funny).


And when Gambrach arrived in Allegmania, after stepping out of his flying chariot in a manner that brought tears to the eyes of the Lovengers, and inspecting the Allegmanian troops of honour in a manner which filled the Lovengers with gratitude and the sense of being fortunate to have him as president, Gambrach stood in the chamber of Queen Mer. Together, they addressed the men and women of Paparazzia and Blogg.


Behold, did the people of Paparazzia enquire of Gambrach, “Oh great king Gambrach, hearest thou the words of thy wife? Everybody clappy hand for you, she don’t clappy hand for you no more. Like, Latiffus Kayodensis, she taketh away her support from thee and Apicuria. This be-eth an almighty ela! Wilst thou take it?”


And Gambrach replied, “I knoweth not if my wife belongeth to Padipalia or Apicuria. I know, however, that she belongeth in my kitchen. And that she belongeth in my living room. And…” he said as a mischievous grin played across his face, “…that she belongeth in my other room. You know what I’m saying fellas! My other room! You know what I’m saying, right? Look, my eye winketh. Thou gettest my meaning, surely.”


“Your Highness, but thou art an old man…” said one man of papyrussian blog.


“I have many years’ disease, fam. Not that I’ve been alive for so many years. When the lovengers were telling me to fire on and go harder, I’m sure you thought it was only with regard to my quest against graft, shebi? Jon Snows, all of you.”


But the King had said this in the presence of his host Queen Mer, a lady herself. It was a scandal, for Gambrach had suggested to the global world, in era of the incumbent and impending Queens of Barrackistan and the Queen of Allegmania, that the place of the woman was in the kitchen, the living room and the, uhm, “other” room. And brethren, the goddam chill was gone and only a figment of the people’s memory.


And Gar Bar, the Chief Scribe to Gambrach emerged. “Oh people. Why lackest ye a sense of humour. We who encamp around Gambrach know that he is a barrel of laughter. Remember not that he readeth only the comics and pastiches in the daily papyrus? How I wouldst that ye would chill and get ye it not twisted; for Gambrach unleasheth a banter on thee.”


And myyyyyyy gheeeeeeeurd! There was not a speculum of gaddem chill in the whole entire kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: The Family Jewelleries


As the reign of Gambrach progressed, the only people in the kingdom with any sort of chill were the Lovengers. The sneezing, defecation, stride, sweating, eating, speech-making and every other thing about Gambrach still filled them with awe and drove them to cry mushy tears of admiration each time. Their number was reducing though, as more of their number struggled to understand the king.

Lar Yi, the councillor propaganda, was Chief Lovenger of the land and twas he who, fearful that the cry of the people might yet penetrate the Many Years’ membrane of the king quickly devised a plan. One morning, as the King walked leisurely in the palace gardens in the morning, sipping on his kunu and juice, Lar Yi approached with his idea.

“Oh King, most benevolent, most chillful, full of wisdom beyond measure, how art thou today?”

“Ah, Lar Yi, what news bringesth thou from the kingdom?” asked the King.

“Oh King, there are some foolish people in the land, seeking to turn the hearts of the billions who love thee against thee. They say change cometh not to the kingdom. And they tell lies – that there is no bread in the land.”

“Well, if they have not bread, then they should eat cake! Though, not the one with chocolates from foreign lands.”

“Precisely, your Majesty. This is why I have devised a new message to go forth from the palace unto the people, that the change they seek beginneth with them.”

“What a brilliant idea of great discipline. Gather my scribes, let them write the grandmother of all change speeches.

And so, the scribes were gathered, including Gar Bar and FemCallamitus and together with the King (or so it was said), they produced the speech. And lo, did Gambrach read the speech unto the people and yea did the eyes of the lovengers well up in tears of adulation yet again. “Oh what an awesome speech of speeches! Change truly beginneth with me.” they .declared. But the others, the wailers, were not amused. “Thou presideth over our growing turmoil, thou puttest not the stealer of the coin behind bars, thou maketh us to lie down beside drying streams to the delight of our enemies, and yet thou sayest change beginneth with us and not thee?”

Be that as it was, shortly after the King had spoken, a murmur began that some of the words spoken by the King were the words of the king of Barrackistan. Lo, did the accusation and stain arise from the people like a plague, because of the words that the King had plagiarised. Hehehe. This is joke of chronicler.

And in the palace, the scribes were troubled, for the allegation was an indictment upon them. Shortly afterwards, clearly with the panic still in the air, Gar Bar addressed the people. “Dear People of the land, it is knownst by thee that thy king is a great, great guy. Behold, as he readeth his speech, did he notice in the glorious splendour of his wisdom, that some of the words put in the speech were wrongfully inserted. Obviously, he knoweth that this doth sound like an innuendo, but he is great and oozes glory. And so, he sacketh the wrongful inserter and admonisheth thee – yes, admonisheth thee all, to focus on change beginning with thee!” Thus ended the word of Gar Bar.



And the people were filled with the audacity and mendacity of Gar Bar. They were filled with fear of Gambrach, for the following week, he was to sojourn to Barrackistan for the meeting of the League of Kingdoms general assembly meeting. While at the League of Nations, Gambrach was seen together with the King of Barrackistan, wherefore the lovengers proclaimed, “Wawu! Behold the adoration of the King of Barrackistan for our great guy king, Gambrach. Verily, this meaneth Gambrach is great.”

Throughout his sojourn, Gambrach told the nations how Gejoshaphat, not he, was to blame for every single gaddem woe being suffered by the kingdom. And behold, as Gambrach returned, the news spread about the kingdom that Lady PeiPei, wife of Gejoshaphat had laid claim to certain coin that had been confiscated by the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission. It was a great amount of coin, numbering 20 million Barrackistani shekels, which were 420 times more valuable than the coin of the land.

“But Lady PeiPei”, said the everly failers, “thy name be-eth not on the documents of this account and thou be not named as an owner of the account, by the bank. How then, pray tell art thou the owner of the coin within?” PeiPei did not answer but rather approached the magistrate to censure her bank for handing over the coin into the authority of the everly failers.

That night, the people went to sleep in absolute shock. It was a thing most shocking that PeiPei could lawfully come about or be so bold as to lay claim to the Barrackistani treasure. All the people of the land slept very uneasily, moreso the people of senatii and the council of Gambrach, for when they awoke the next morning there was a new song on their lips.

Abushola, whose troubles at Conductivitis were now fewer and further inbetween, together with Lee Ko, the richest man in Monopolia both declared in unison that a great spirit had visited them in the night and had ministered unto them that the way out of the recession, which apparently was more than just a word, was to sell the kingdom’s prized jewels.

“Not our prized jewels!!!!” protested the people, “for we know that it will go the way of its forbears in squalid squander and damnless disappearance.”

“Nah, mates”, said Lady Kem Shun, councillor for the coin, “you is not ge’ing da gist of tings. If we flog these jools, yeah, then we finna get some cash tings  to reduce the amounts we is borrowing. Dis is basic econominicx, yeah, to pawn ya shit when you is broke, innit bruv. It’s mad wicked plan, bruv. Let’s sell the jools, fam, namsayn?”

Behold, the rumblings of unchill again increased in ferocity as the people debated selling the jewels. Chill was long gone in the land, boys and girls smileth not, and out of the corner of everyone’s eye, they saw Shiwajun cooking another pot of Wahala Morghulis soup for YeGunz, head of the house of Apicuria…


The Chronicles of Chill: A Dog has no Name


From time of electoralis and the ascension of Gambrach to the throne, the Kingdom had suffered violence. Usually, the violent would have taken it by force, but the violent were hungry, for there was a pestilence upon the land. There was unchill and it was a-brewing and a-stewing.


The people waited to hear a word from King Gambrach but nary a word proceeded from the Palace. Wherefore, the people began to call Gambrach the most outspoken King they had ever had, for he only spoke when he was out of the Kingdom, in foreign lands. Hehehe.


And in that time, amidst the fomenting discomfort in the land,  a man named Joe-Hakeem had a falling out with his neighbour. His neighbour came from the north of the Kingdom and his father, like the King was also called Gambrach. Gambrach, it was said, was a very common name. So common, in fact that Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach, was declared not to be the Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach that was wanted in Barrackistan; it was a different Yeeshah with a husband named Gambrach.


Lo, in their falling out did Joe-Hakeem decide to rechristen his dog Gambrach. The dog was an adult dog, and it was not certain that the dog was aware of its new moniker. But behold, did the neighbour raise alarm, that Joe-Hakeem had named his dog after the King and lo, did chill depart from their community. Gambrach the dog, formerly known as Doggy the dog, was killed. And yea, the head of the constabulary arrested him and charged him with blasphemy of the royal name, a hitherto unknown offence in the Kingdom. And the people were amazed, for others had named their dogs after Kings in the past quadrannia, with no consequence.


“He is apprehended and incarcerated by the constabulary at the behest of Gambrach! He must be!” the people cried.


But Gar-Bar, the King’s chief scribe, heard the accusation and rose quickly in defence of his master. “Friends, Twilistians, Countrymen, lend me your ears. If only thou wouldst know the true nature of your king! Your king suffereth from Many Years Disease and heareth not your common talk. Behold, he heareth thee not for many years, and so couldst not have instigated the constabulary.”


The people yinmued, for they had grown weary of Gar-Bar’s persistent beatification of Gambrach.


“Besides,” Gar-Bar continued, “when he assembleth the spies of the kingdom, that they mayest inform him of the goings-on, he listeneth first NOT to cries of your travails, nor the words of wisdom from the apostles of marketology! No! He listeneth first to the jesters, the fools and the parodists, that he mayest laugh upon the reports of how the kingdom pastiches him! Is he not a great and benevolent king?”


The people were not amused and lost further chill, for Gar-Bar had revealed the mind of Gambrach to them, and their cries and travails were not of prime importance. The mother of all unchills would indeed have swept through the land, were it not for the visit of a very august visitor.


Far, far away in Barrackistan, there was the high priest of the Book of Faces, dedicated to the god of the Book of Faces, from his time as a youth in the citadel of VardHarla, in the kingdom of Barrackistan. His name was Marcus von Zuck, and Marcus von Zuck chose this time to come to the kingdom.


High Priest Marcus was very wealthy, and throughout the four corners of the earth, were men, women and children who worshiped at the temple of the Book of Faces. And he came to bless his followers and give them succour.


In the Palace, Councillor Shittinksi looked for his whitest glove, in anticipation of audience with High Priest Marcus, for the followers of Marcus fell under the authority of his prefecture. But Marcus was allergic to bullshit and so avoideth and shunneth him.


And there was chill, as the followers showed their High Priest the fullness of the land and besought him to send even more andelic minstrels into the land.


But Marcus departed, and a proclamation went forth from Kal El, the Counting Master of the kingdom, announcing what many already knew in their hearts. The Counting Master and his counting crew had counted, and had beheld that the rent was too damn high, and that the land was in a recession.


And the people looked to Gambrach in vain, to see if he could see them beyond the parody; if he could hear them beyond his unlooking. Behold, a voice came, as if from the palace. The voice sounded, as if it were the voice of Lady Kem Shun, of Sarf Londinia, who was Gambrach’s councillor of the purse.


“Behold, fam! I know tings is wicked bruv, you get me? And this is desperate times of oppression, innit? But that is why we finna cut down the shopping sprees and ting! And just in case youse don’t believe me blad, here’s my two most peng warriors – Time and Patience. I am sending them out to you, so you can know that recession is just a word, mate. Boom, selecta!!!”


Brethren, say it with me – the people heard her words, and there was no gaddem chill, no modicum of decorum, no iota resembling it, in the entire gaddem land!



The Chronicles of Chill: The Epistle of FeiFei Van Der Putin


In the 16th month of the reign of King Gambrach, the word of Woo Doo, Gambrach’s councillor for farming went out to the people. “Behold!” he proclaimed, “and let they that mix manure for farmers take heed, that it is high treason to mix manure and ship to other kingdoms for profit, when the farmers in our kingdom have no manure. Let it be known that any such manure mixer found to be doing this shall be banished from the kingdom.”


On hearing the proclamation had to do with manure, councillor Shittinksi Bulltshittu thought perhaps he might be of help. But Woo Doo had enough incompetence of his own to deliver the message and did not need to borrow additional incompetence from any of his co-councillors.


The people in the kingdom shrugged, for many looked to suffer banishment away from the preils and travails of the kingdom. But for FeiFei van der Putin, Ondonesian minister on exile in Jandinia, it was one derelict proclamation too many from the council of Gambrach.


FeiFei van der Putin was a marketinian apostle, writing several epistles to the people of the Kingdom, and counsel for Gambrach, on how they might find chill. Lo, his epistles found great readership in the land. FeiFei van der Putin had spoken very highly of Gambrach during electoralis federalis, and together with his fellow apostle KinYe, led the Twilistianly renowned Why Nations Fail Ministries.


FeiFei van der Putin was the High Sparrow of the gospel of marketology in Social Mediana and had increasingly grown vocal in his sermons against Mefilius and his management of the coin and Gambrach and his reign. However, the proclamation of Woo Doo proved far too much for him to bear and in a holy fury, he picked up his parchment and quill and wrote another epistle to the brethren in Twilistia.


“Brethren, in as much as I was a voice in the wilderness proclaiming that the Kingdom of Gambrach was at hand, and to the unlikely extent that I was able to sway you to elect Gambrach in electoralis, I tender my deep apology.”


And the spirit of Wawu swept across the land, as many did not believe own eyes of Twilistians. For electoralis had wreaked a chasm in Twilistia, and the support of many like the Why Nations Fail Ministries had led to the rise of the Lovengers. And after the spirit of Wawu had settled and departed, behold, there was a stirring and a rumbling among the people and all chill departed the land.


“Why apologiseth thee? Gejoshaphat was never in the reckoning. Yea, even if Gambrach were to obliterate the Kingdom from the face of the earth, verily I would stand with him in the void. Behold, I would cast for Gambrach again and again, even if he killeth my mother and father.”


“Why apologiseth thee for the manner in which thy vote was cast? Surely, if thou, the Lovengers and all who who cast their vote wouldst apologise, surely it would be for the manner in which thou spake and speakest even yet unto they who wouldst not cast with thee.”


“FeiFei van der Putin speakest the truth. For Gambrach disappointeth us sorely.”


“Why wouldest thou seek forgiveness, FeiFei van der Putin? Curses on them that would deny us the blessing of basking in the glorious sunlight of the reign of Gambrach.”


And the voices of unchill rumbled and rumbled until the sound carried into Gambrach’s palace. And lo, twas his valets and footmen for Social Mediana that first responded to the people. They said, “Get thee it not twisted, this shit is bants. We shall give thee megaphones to amplify thine unchill.”


And it came to pass that finally the news was carried into the sacred chambers of Gambrach by Osinoshin.


“O Gambrach, great and mighty King. First of your name. Neuterer of technocrats. Arbiter of density for the floatation of the coin. Behold I come with news from Twilistia and Social Mediana.”


“Ah. Osinjo.”


“Osinoshin, your Highness.”


“Ah, yes. Please pardon me. It’s the Many Years Disease again.”


“Your Highness, there are rumblings in the land. The Lovengers, the eaters of the grain of the feast of Queen Yeeshah and even FeiFei van der Putin; they all turn against you and forsake their defence of your reign of omnigoodness.”


“Hmm. Hmm. … Hmm. So when next shall we be in Europotamia?”


“In 7 weeks’ time, your Highness. But the cry of the people, good king.. ”


“… Oh, good. There existeth an abundance of time before I shall be required to give thought to their complaints. Tell Mefilius that it is my command for him to independently decide that only the couriers of Westania Iounonium may remit foeign coin to our land henceforth.”


“Your Highness, great and mighty king, I beseech thee that thou mayest reconsider, we frighten the holders of foreign coin away. Behold, they wouldst not even give audience to Mefilius on his last sojourn.”


“Ah. Osinjo. I hearest thee no more. It appeareth my Many Years Disease affliction is upon me again. Come back next week.”


And outside the palace and throughout Twilistia, the rumbling continued, and there was no gaddem chill in the land.


The Chronicles of Chill: Tempus Fudgedit & Cappé Didinrin


Brethren, it had been a most challenging time in the land. The Iron Bank of Boo Jar, under the inauspicious supervision of Mefilius had placed an embargo on the importation of chronicular parchments. Behold, in spite of his independently mandated floatation of the coin of the land, there was no respite for the people, and both quill and parchment were in short supply.

Indeed, the lovengers, who had previously been completely enamoured of Gambrach, were slowly joining the swell of lamentations in the land, as one thing after the other went askew. Gambrach had shown himself not much changed from his first coming as severe man of Gunn, and his affliction with Many Years Disease appeared not to have lifted in spite of the best efforts of the Jandinian meisters. Such was the disillusionment with the reign of Gambrach that the music of popular bard, Harrimus Songinus, Bluesian Reggae, was re-written as a lamentation of the people.

The travails of Abushola at senatii did not abate, and yea, was it alleged that together with his deputy Equerry Mah-Du, the rules of senatii under which they emerged Warden and deputy had been forged. Lo, was a charge proferred against them before the magistrate. And Dinobetes Mellitus, right hand man of Abushola was displeased. And yea, in his righteous displeasure did he gather other members of senatii to declare the forgery allegations false and threaten them with sanctions. Mimi, wife of Shiwajun, was present at senatii and objected to the use by Dinobetes Mellitus of threatening language, asking him, “Why comportest thyself like a pleb and why speakest thou the words of an unpolished, brute thug?”

Dinobetes was renowned for his short temper and, having no words to counter Mimi’s description of him, lunged at her, but was restrained by his colleagues. “Thou art lucky, Mimi, wife of Shiwajun”, he was said to have cried, “for were it not for this collegial restraint placed upon me by my colleagues, yea, would I have come into you and known you and filled you up with child!” Behold, this was the repot that was brought to the people.

And the people were shocked and filled with despisement of Dinobetes and warned him, verily, to stay away from Gideria, the heartland of Shiwajun’s influence. “Beware the wrath of Shiwajun”, they warned.  But Dinobetes, not to be cowed, went to the port of winged chariots and proclaimed boldly, “Behold, I come to Gideria.” And when he had reached Gideria, proclaimed again, “Behold, I set my feet on the sands of Gideria. Where be they who dared me?” Not satisfied with his display of, uhm, bravefulness, Dinobetes Mellitus proceeded to the street upon which the house of Shiwajun was built and had the moment captured for posterity in an engraving with the caption, “Behold Dinobetes, the great stander on the street of Shiwajun!”

But the people did not salute the bravefulness of Dinobetes and he soon found himself in the village square defending himself against the words he was alleged to have spoken in senatii. “Verily, verily, I say unto ye, that they lie who allege that I threatened to fill and endow and imbue Mimi wife of Shiwajun with child. Though I have no fear of Shiwajun, tis not possible that such words could have proceeded from my mouth, for clearly she arriveth menopause!” And the people were astounded at the wisdom of Dinobetes.

And lo, the time came again for the finest athletes in the land to sojourn for the quadrannial olympiad. Gambrach had appointed his councillor for sports, a man named DaKidney and the Kingdom’s conquest at the olympiad was under his supervision. DaKidney had first impressed the people of Twilistia with his manner of dress – the unusual garb of cubanic revolutionaries. However, with only days before the commencement of the olympiad, the Kingdom’s athletes came into Twilistia and Social Mediana to petition the people of the land. “ComeFundMe” cried the athletes, one after the other, “for the Kingdom has yet to pay for my voyage to olympia.”

“How is this possible” asked the people, “when DaKidney the cubanic councillor is the one in charge? Surely, he knoweth better than the others the science of administration. He is cubanic, is he not?”

But the cry from the atheletes grew louder, and DaKidney was finally forced to reply. “Be still and shut your goddam mouths! Beware that ye do not piss me off! Didst thou tell me you were preparing to depart for olympia? Is it incumbent upon me to procure your safe passage? How counter-revolutionary! How effete! How petit-bourgeoisie and latte-sipping compradoring of thee! Take ye heed and be ye therefore warned, that if anyone of thee makest noise about insufficiency of comfort, thou shalt be punished! Viva la revoluçion!!!”

And the people were astounded, for such a shambolic departure for olympia was not what they expected from DaKidney, or the reign of Gambrach. And the people were further upset by other members of the geriatric council of Gambrach. Woo Do, councillor for farming wished to import grass from Lebanon to feed the cows and quell the herders crisis in the country. Shittinski had nothing of note to say from the time he entered the council, but in his defence, he had busied himself trading his scruffy garments for raiment new. Lar Yi continued to be ridiculed for his liberty with facts and truth. Gambrach himself was meeting the increasing inability of the people, yea even the lovengers, to hide astonishment as he favoured filling the key posts in the kingdom with people from his hamlet.

Brethren, it was a hard time. And there was no gaddem chill in the land.

The Chronicles of Chill: The Sansafication of Lady Yeeshah


And it came to pass that King Gambrach returned from Jandinia, with relief from his affliction of Many Years Disease. Moborius, the King’s favoured portrait engraver, shewed engravings with the King’s descent from his winged chariot and the parade of the many centurions that came thither to welcome him. Some member of his Council were also on hand to welcome him. “Welcome, O great King”, they greeted, “behold thy glistening, shiny new ear! It is most glorious to behold!” Gambrach grimaced and replied, to the councillor standing closest to him, “Is this the true nature of thy voice? Sheesh!” Gambrach cast a sad, longing look back at the winged carriage, knowing that if he made a run for it and headed back to Jandinia, there would be severe unchill.


This was very shortly after Mefilius had followed the order to independently take the decision to float the coin of the land. There was chill in the land, as all adjusted to the flotilla of coins all over the atmosphere. But this is Twilistia & Social Mediana, where eternal vigilance is the price paid for chill. As such, the chill could only be fleeting.


In Oshunlonica, king Ogbenyssius was in a bit of a quandary. His coffers were empty and he was not able to pay the wages of the kingdom’s workers. The centres of learning were also in a satirical crisis, with children arriving for instruction wearing religious garments, looking to appease the gods both old and new. Ogbenyssius, like Gambrach, was of House Apicuria and apparently this was a time of dreaming dreams and seeing visions. Or hearing voices. Ogbenyssius was in deep thought about his travails one day, when he heard the words “Mene, Mene, Tekel, Uphargarrium”.


“What meanest thee by these ancient words?” Ogbenyssius asked the voice. But there was no answer, so Ogbenyssius summoned his council to see if any knew amongst them. None knew the language but one remembered a story from his youth, with similar words, about weights and scales.


“Ah,” thought Ogbenyssius, “we shall inaugurate and commission new scales across Oshunlonica. We shall depart from the metric system and our new measure of weight shall be the Ogbeny. And the people shall be thrilled, for it will solve all their grain problems.”


And behold, all through the land, there was a rumbling of unchill, as the people laughed in derision at the Oshunlonicans and their king.


And lo, a few mornings after, king Yode of Ekitilopia woke up the people of the land with gory news. Yea, did he gather them all there – the Social Medianites, the Digital Perusites, the Twillistians and the Amalakites (who were a new tribe known for devouring copious amounts of amala and soup at Jevinik). “Behold the tyranny of Gambrach!” Yode cried. “He has embargoed my personal lodgements at the Zen Bank, contrary to our laws.”


And there were further murmurings in the kingdom. “We thought Gambrach had been cured of Many Years Disease”, one quarter protested. And yet others retorted, “Yode abuseth Gambrach longtime! Get him!!”


Yode gave further details. “Gambrach setteth the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission against me, alleging I attained the throne of Ekitilopia by fraud. Oh how I would that he waiteth until my quadrannium ends in 2 years and they couldst lawfully prosecute me. Thou knowest that a king may not be prosecuted in our land until he endeth his reign.”


And the rumblings increased, with debates in the town squares, one way and the other.


“And what is this battle against corruption anyway, if not a sham?” Yode continued. “Afterall, Yeeshah, the wife of Gambrach herself is named in the corruption parchment from Barackistan.”

And my gheeeurd, there erupted a geyser of unchill in the land for Lerthagoras of House Padipalia shewed all gathered the corruption parchment. And lo, was there indeed the name Yeeshah within.


And the rumblings got even louder; so loud that they reached Gambrach’s High Palace in Boo Jar. And yea, Gar Bar, scribe of Gambrach addressed the people. “Pay ye no heed to Yode. His mind is the mind of a child and his musings the ramblings the words of a girl with daddy issues. Knoweth he not that there are several Yeeshahs and the Yeeshah named in the corruption parchment is not Yeeshah of Gambrach?”


Lo, did the word of Gar Bar go forth and yea, did the people think it was over. In the High Palace, Yeeshah was seething. She wanted to respond to Yode, and reminded her aides how Yode had taunted Gambrach with death, during electoralis. “Patience, M’lady,” they responded. “You want me to respond as Patience Jonathan would?” she asked. “No, M’lady. Exercise patience. The Everly Commission, for sure, will have him in their keep in the fullness of time.” “What, again? Who let Femcallamitus in?” she asked.


Yeeshah remained in her chambers, and called her conjurer to conjure up the most recent episode of Game of Thrones, in her magic water-bowl. And as she saw Sansa set the dogs on Ramsay, she knew exactly what she would do.


Yeeshah went into Twillistia Square and declared loudly, “Yode!!! Thou unchained dog! One has had enough of thee! Gambrach may be 73 and old but I am 45 and young and I will defend myself! Thou chainless hound! It is on, my niccur!!!”


Behold, verily, verily, after her declaration, was there no gaddem chill to be found anywhere in the land. Absolutely none.




In the midst of the crisis, came the lucidity that birthed a new mathematical theorem, which the people called the Lerthagoras Theorem. For Lerthagoras responded with a postulation that Yeeshah had just declared that she was married to Gambrach at the age of 13. How? He took 45 years away from 73, ended up with 32 and then, well … see for yourself.

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Can A Governor’s Bank Account Be Frozen?

The EFCC has apparently frozen the Zenith Bank Account of the Ekiti State Governor, Ayodele Fayose. Since the news broke, debate has raged on whether or not the action is legal, given the provisions of our constitution on immunity for certain persons.

Here’s the Governor Announcing the Freeze

First of all, some non-controversial stuff.

The Constitution is Supreme

Sections 1(1) & 1(3) of the 1999 Constitution say –

1(1) – This Constitution is supreme and its provisions shall have binding force on all authorities and persons throughout the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

1(3) – If any other law is inconsistent with the provisions of this constitution, this constitution shall prevail, and that other law shall to the extent of the inconsistency be void.

There are restrictions on Legal Proceedings — Section 308, 1999 Constitution

“(1)(a)No civil or criminal proceedings shall be instituted against a person or continued against a person to whom this section applies during his period of office.

“(1)(b)A person to whom this section applies shall not be arrested or imprisoned during that period either on pursuance of the process of any court or otherwise.

“(1)(c) No process of any court requiring or compelling the appearance of a person to whom this section applies, shall be applied or issued.

“(3) This section applies to a person holding the office of President or Vice-President, Governor or Deputy-Governor…”

The EFCC, generally, can apply for bank accounts to be frozen

Section 34(1) of the EFCC Act reads as follows –

“Notwithstanding anything contained in any other enactment or law, the Chairman of the Commission or any officer authorised by him may, if satisfied that the money in the account of a person is made through the commission of an offence under this Act and or any of the enactments specified under section 7 (2) (a)-(f) of this Act, apply to the Court ex-parte for power to issue an order as specified in Form B of the Schedule to this Act, addressed to the manager of the bank or any person in control of the financial institution or designated non-financial institution where the account is or believed by him to be or the head office of the bank, other financial institution or designated non-financial institution to freeze the account.”

Here’s what the Form B looks like –

“Order remains in force until revoked”

People with immunity can be investigated

There’s a good account here of the case law that established that immunity from court proceedings isn’t immunity from investigation. It was the celebrated case of Fawehinmi v. Inspector General of Police (2002) 7 NWLR (Pt.767) 606, where the plaintiff sought an order compelling the defendant to investigate the governor of Lagos. The review has an interesting excerpt and I recommend the piece to the extent that it establishes that the immunity clauses of the constitution do not preclude investigations.

Where it starts to get murky…

i. Freezing Order. The procedure outlined for the EFCC here is to seek an order, via ex-parte injunction, permitting them to serve Form B on a financial institution. In making its application to the court to freeze the bank account of a sitting governor, the governor would have to be named in the court process as the Respondent. Can a sitting governor with immunity under the constitution be properly named in his personal capacity in any such proceedings? To put the question in a different way, if no proceedings can be brought in which a person enjoying immunity is a party, how can an order be validly sought and given under such proceedings?

ii. The nature of exparte injunctions. It is always helpful to go back to the philosophical basis of legal doctrines and tools. One of the pillars of justice is that both sides of a case must be heard prior to judgement. However, in cases where there is a real urgency (either of preserving a right or preventing a breach), one side may in the absence of the other (exparte) apply to the court to grant an injunction preventing an act. Exparte injunctions are “interim” orders granted pending the determination of a motion on notice, where both parties argue the particular issue (different from an “interlocutory” order, where a situation preserved until the substantive suit is concluded).

In the normal course of an exparte application, the appearance and participation of the respondent is both contemplated and required. Where the respondent is a governor with immunity privileges, it’s difficult to see the grounds for granting the order.

iii. Criminal Proceedings vs Civil Proceedings. While it is clear that Governor Fayose can be investigated for any crime, it is clearer that he cannot be subject to any proceedings in court. If neither criminal nor civil proceedings can be instituted against him, or his appearance compelled by any process of court, it goes to no issue to try to argue that seeking a court order does not amount to starting criminal proceedings. It is true that proceedings are either civil or criminal, but if neither can be brought against him, it serves no purpose to suggest that the court order is one or the other.

iv. Freezing Account =/= Investigation. We have established that the governor can be investigated. It has been argued by some that freezing his account is necessary to conduct the investigation. I do not think this is valid, for the following reasons — (i)fraud is proved by transactions, not the existence of a certain account balance. If Gov. X stole $20bn (America will know, mind you), put the money in his account and disburses it all before the EFCC shows up, does his empty bank balance absolve him? (ii) following from (i) the account does not need to be frozen for its history to be accessed or established. (iii) Governor Fayose is in office until 2018; is it the plan to freeze his accounts until then? As part of the ‘investigation’? Or as a prelude to trial?


To conclude, it will probably need to be confirmed by a further decision of the courts (only because it’s not explicitly spelt out in black and white already) but as far as I can see, it is illegal to freeze a sitting governor’s account because the procedure for obtaining the order to effect a freeze is incompetent.

The Chronicles of Chill: What Ears Have Heard

Floating Coin 2 


It continued to be a most peculiar time in the land, and in the twin cities of Social Mediana and Twilistia. In spite of the cries of agony pervading the land, people found pleasure in crowning themselves with roses and daisies. Behold, did it happen that not only women paraded themselves crowned in botanical glory, but so also did many men. These be-flowered people came to be known as The Brotherhood and Sisterhood of the Snappy Chat – which was the name of the most prominent flower in the bouquet.


And Gambrach was disgusted at the enflowerment of the people, for it was evidence of unwarranted levity in a time that surely required grave severity. For there was corruption still to be fought, corrupt people to be named and convictions to be secured.


And thus it was, as the first year of Gambrach’s reign was coming to a close, the king proclaimed that the names of all those who converted the kingdom’s commonwealth during the reign of Gejoshaphat would be published. Yea, had these men and women been detained by the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, and it was said by the men of the king, that many had willingly yielded over some possessions to the kingdom. But the Everly Commission was yet seeking their convictions. And when the list came forth, the people beheld it and saw that none was named. And when they asked why the names had not been written, according to the order of Gambrach, Oshinoshin his Hand replied, “A looter has no name.”


And there were rumblings in the land.


In Ekitilopia, the cries of the workers had risen to king Yode, for he owed them several months’ wages. And when he answered them not, each man and woman cast his hand away from the plough and they declared that they would no longer work. Having no coin to satisfy their wages, and with the doors of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar shut against the lower kingdoms, Yode also declared that he would no longer work, in solidarity with his workers. Seest the impossibility in making a joke here? Behold, it was the most bizarre thing the chronicler had beheld.


It was also in this day that E-Dawg went all the way to the Appalachian Mountains to fetch a chief of Native Indian heritage to represent the land at the Congress of Black Oil Makers (COBOM). It was well known that the Appalachians are the best in dealing in Black Oil. And all hailed the chief brought by E-Dawg. And the chief’s name was Barking Dog. It was therefore no surprise also, that Barking Dog and E-Dawg were homies.


To celebrate Chief Barking Dog’s ascension at COBOM, Gambrach proclaimed that all the deltoid fields that had suffered spillings of black oil over the years would be cleansed. Lo, did he purpose in his heart to mark the commencement of the cleansing with pomp and fanfare. And it came to pass that on the day set forth for the commemoration, news came to the people that Osinoshin would attend in his place. And news came to the people that Gambrach was ill, with Many Years Disease. The king’s meisters in Boo Jar had done their best, but felt it would be better for the meisters in Jandinia to have a look.


And there was a louder rumbling in the land, led by the meisters not in Boo Jar. “Knoweth Gambrach not that we are possessed of several meisters, most skilled in Many Years Disease? Why goeth he to Jandinia?”


And many in Twilistia had not heard of Many Years Disease prior to Gambrach’s affliction. Lo, they quickly consulted the oracle Googlam and it was revealed to them that Many Years Disease, as the name implied, came upon those who had stubbornly held on to beliefs for ‘many years’. Duh uh.


And when Gambrach reached Jandinia, the meisters examined him and asked, “Where doth the Many Years Disease afflict thee?”


“In my ear”, answered Gambrach.


“Why you sef no dey hear word?” asked the head meister in Jandinian English?


“Ehn?” said Gambrach, gesturing to show that he did not hear what the meister had asked, and turned his other ear toward him. “Oho”, answered the meister, and yinmued at him.


“Ehn?” repeated Gambrach.


“I say make you no worry; say we go arrange you new ear, you go soon dey hear word” said the doctor again, in his crisp, upper class Jandinian accent.


And the meisters gave Gambrach a new ear, but he had to convalesce for 13 days before he could return to the land. And while Gambrach slept, the Tword came to him in the still of the night and spake mysteries unto him. As Gambrach awoke, he sent a raven with a parchment to Mefilius, the independent head of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, instructing him on what independent steps he ought to take, as revealed by the Tword.


In a short while, the parchment reached Mefilius, and it read as follows –


“Mefilius my boy, what goeth on? How hangest it? Hope this meetest thou in the bestest of health. If so, doxology. Last night I had a dream. In the dream, I held a bag of coin in my hand, as I walked along the banks of a river. But the coin was only for use across the other side of the river, and lo I was surrounded by people seeking to cross, begging me for this special coin, so they could trade across the river. And I asked them, “what wilst thou buy?” and they answered “toothpicks & chocolates & luxurious dresses”. As you can imagine, I was filled with rage, and decided that these were not wise uses for the riverine coin. So I began to choose which of them I would give coin, simply by looking at their faces, searching for sincerity and propriety of purpose.


“But even more people craved the coin for the other side of the river; and yet the coin for my side of the river seemed to become more scarce as I rationed the other side’s.   And I was confused. For one year I sat by the riverside paralysed by confusion. And then a voice said unto me, ‘Gambrach!’ And I replied ‘Who goes there? Identify yourself!’ And the voice said ‘Cool down. Chill first. Take the bag of coin in your hand and throw it into the river.’ And I said, ‘Say that again into my new ear, I think my old ear heard you say throw the money into the water.’ And the voice said, ‘Yeah. Do it.’


“So I threw the bag into the water. And at first the bag sank, as I expected. But before I could say ‘WAEC Certificate’, a light shone through the river from where the bag fell and the bag rose and began to float.


“Mefilius, I order you to independently take the decision to float our coin.”


So Mefilius went into his independent thinking chamber to think independently about what the king had ordered him to do. And Mefilius did as he was told. And unchill erupted because many who advised that steps be taken to safeguard the coin of the land shouted, “Why waitest thou one year to do something?” And the Lovengers on the other side exclaimed “Behold the greatest thing ever done to coin. Gambrach had to wait one year, so that the corruptioneers, who are saboteurs could me moved out of the way first.”


And there was yet greater unchill, for a Pharisee had once again brought up the matter of Gambrach’s Scroll de Minimis. Gambrach heard it so loudly, that he hired 15 senior Pharisees in his defence…

The 5 Stages of Political Grief


15 months after the elections and 12 after the swearing-in of the new administration, more than enough time has passed for everyone to move on from campaign rhetoric and be more forward looking. It doesn’t seem likely to happen anytime soon, though, as many on either side of the fence still seem somewhat upset, for various reasons. However, both sides are more alike than each would like to admit and have been going through the same emotional/grief cycle. How, you ask, given that one side’s candidate won and the other lost? I’ll try to explain it.



For the Jonathanians, there was a lot of hope in the power of his incumbency and while they did expect the elections to be close, they did not anticipate his loss at the polls. They tried to point out voting irregularities like extensive underage voting in some parts of the country and a blanket failure of card readers. But it was not to be. Jonathan had lost.


The Buharists on the other hand, could not believe that the candidate they had sold with so much gusto was not similarly embraced by the entire country. Newspapers, in succession, both local and foreign, pointed out that he was probably as problematic a candidate as Jonathan, with his own Achilles Heel. However, they sold the candidate they imagined and hoped Buhari would be. President Buhari went on to win the election, but only by 51% of the vote to Jonathan’s 46%.



The Jonathanians were aggrieved at their principal’s loss and nothing is more symbolic of that anger than former Minister Orubebe’s sit-in “We will not take it” protest while the results were being announced.


Meanwhile, between the elections and the President’s assumption of office, information began to filter through about the wanton excesses that had occurred in President Jonathan’s government and how some officials were keen to make restitution before the axe of Buhari was imbued with the power of office and came swinging down with a vengeance. The Buharists were angry that so many were willing to consider Jonathan for re-election, and that alleged looters thought they could plea-deal their way out of consequences for their actions.



Then came all the what-ifs and if-onlys. If only Jonathan had focused on the Niger Delta and on Power. If only he’d shown a steelier spine and not been such a Johnny-come-lately, allowing everyone and everything to sway him. And if only Buhari was a bit more communicative and empathetic and did not do things that lent credence to the pre-election suspicions of the Jonathanians. What if he’d actually hit the ground running and appointed a cabinet earlier? And if only when he spoke he didn’t actually say some of the things that he was being reported to have said.



This is the current stage in the cycle. Both camps are losing wind and are defending their principals with a little less enthusiasm now. The profligacy of the Jonathan administration has led to the alleged uncovering of swathes of cash buried away in septic tanks and false walls in people’s homes; revelations, almost new every morning, about the EFCC’s noose tightening around some former official or the other’s neck. President Buhari has also not shown too much dexterity outside the sphere of chasing down loot, with the economy reeling from his tentativeness in addressing its issues. More than a few of his supporters, even the most ardent ones have stopped just short of renouncing their followership.



This is where we urgently need everyone to get to, especially the President’s cabinet. Looking back so frequently and pointing accusatory fingers only opens the door for them to be measured against the same yardsticks, as they are all coming to find. The supporters also need to fully accept the flaws of their respective principals with equanimity. Both have huge chinks in their armour and anyone who sticks their neck too far out in their defence will probably end up with a lot of egg on their face. We need to accept that GEJ wasn’t all bad and Buhari isn’t all good. We need to also accept that our fate, at least for the immediate future, lies in Buhari’s hands & his failure has grave implications for all of us.


Hopefully, acceptance will mean that as supporters we can put away triumphalism, snark and I-told-you-so; and that the current administration is looking firmly forward. Let’s move on.




What about supporters of Kowa Party (and other “mushroom parties”) and those who remained on the fence in undeclared fealty?

Telephonic Trespass – To Lock or not to Unlock?

Lying in Bed


As more and more couples spend evenings sitting together, ostensibly watching the telly but rather, gazing into their respective handheld devices, sometimes with a smirk and others with an outright guffaw, the question is increasingly asked if one spouse is entitled to withhold access to his or her device from the other. (*NB, I’m not bachelor/spinster-phobic, feel free to replace ‘spouse’ with ‘partner’).

Phone Lock 3

It’s a question that probably has philosophical similarities with the older question of whether or not there should be any secrets between spouses. In our traditionally patriarchal society, the question was ‘should a man tell his wife everything?’. Growing up, I actually overheard a family friend say to parents at a gathering once, ‘it is a foolish man that tells his wife everything’. So, is it a foolish man that grants his wide unfettered access to his phone? Is it an overzealous wife that demands it?


I suppose the obvious answer is, well, you’re in a committed relationship, so unless you’re hiding your communications with a lover, why should your phone be off limits to your spouse? And it’s a valid question. According to the National Institute of Beer Parlour Statistics (NIBPS – beer with me), 78% of the people who discovered their partners were having affairs made the discovery on their partner’s phone or tablet. Undeleted messages, time-stamped pictures destroying alibis, call logs showing 15 calls in one day to Hakeem Barber (even though the man is bald).

Couple fighting over phone

It’s possible though for the affair being covered up not to be one in which the spouse with the locked phone is participating. NIBPS statistics suggest that 65% of the men who lock their phones do so to prevent their friends from being embarrassed. A friend may have sent a naughty picture or video and the husband doesn’t want his wife seeing his friend in that light. Sometimes, it’s also to protect the sanctity of the Vegas chatrooms – what’s said in Vegas stays in Vegas and all. The NIBPS Fidelity Report of 2015 actually draws a parallel between the Vegas chatrooms and the Cigar Clubs of the aristocracy – no spouses allowed. It’s like a confessional, where all the other men are joint and several confessors.


Women aren’t left out, even though the NIBPS statistics show that only 18% are fearful of their husbands wanting to look through their phones.  They also lock their phones for similar reasons.

Phone Lock 1

In all this however, there are those who declare that their spouses are expressly prohibited from touching, answering, swiping or otherwise attempting in any other manner howsoever expressed to unlock, access or otherwise retrieve information from their devices. These spouses (men, usually) are the envy of those who have not had the testicular fortitude to make such pronunciations in their own homes. In the homes of the envious men, it is known beyond doubt, reasonable or otherwise, that the highest appellate court in the household resides in the bosom of the wife, so there will be no prohibition.


How do the banners do it? Well, the NIBPS research has uncovered 2 categories of men who achieve prohibition successfully. The first employ means of harsh words and violence, both threatened and, quite sadly, demonstrated. Thankfully, the NIBPS puts their number at only 5% of the banners, as the means of enforcing the ban are simply not sustainable. Those with long-term success, the 97% (if you’re a Buharist) achieve it commercially, by buying it. New car? Check. New phone? Check. Trip with the girls and decent shopping money? Check. Check. Cheque.


And it makes sense, really. “The less one is able to meet one’s obligations, the more they will be held to account for their time.” Robert Mugabe, 1759.


So where does this leave us? If your spouse isn’t one of the 38% that don’t care and locked phones are the elephant in the room of your relationship, perhaps you should consider ditching your dirty laundry and your smutty friends. Or simply be rich.