The Week Gone By

1. We begin this week’s roundup with the goings-on in the People’s Democratic Party and statements from those who remain in the party, as well as those who have defected. The President, in a moment of uncommon frankness and lucidity, confirmed what many already suspected – most of the misfits in politics chose to “serve” not because they really wanted to serve, but because they were jobless.

Our leader, in Freudian slip

Has given his colleagues the flip

We do this enjoyment

Because unemployment

Has held Nigeria in its grip

2. After many months of wrangling, in-fighting and defections to the opposition, Bamanga Tukur was forced to give up his position as the Chairman of the PDP. However, the President swiftly promised that he would “reward” the 80-year old (!!!) with a juicier position than party chairman (he actually said “tougher” but let’s all agree he was being euphemistic). Well, he’s fulfilled this promise, as Tukur is set to be announced as the new Minister of Defence.

There was an old man named Bamanga

Led ruling clique of Bonga-Bonga

Was forced to resign

Against his design

Where is he? Asimbonanga!

So, Tukur, Defence! What a hoot!

A platinum gold parachute

The octogenarian

For being non-sectarian

Will watch o’er the gun and the boot.

3. After being the spearhead of the group that threw a spanner in the cogs at the PDP convention, which has led to the osmosis/diffusion from the PDP to the APC, Atiku Abububakar has announced that he will consult all over the nation on whether or not he should join the APC. Uhmmm…..

The grand architect of the chasm

Split PDPs light in its prism

Says he will consult

Collate the result

‘Fore joining APCs orgasm

4. Femi Fani-Kayode’s been writing again. The piece itself is evidence of how far technology and democracy have come, as my brain cannot process the consequence of its equivalent during the Abacha or early Obasanjo years. It contains 12 steps that GEJ must follow to achieve Illuminatic enlightment (or bring back peace to Nigeria, whatever), which include lying prostrate before 7 living elementals and remaining there until each had pronounced absolution. There were some salacious tidbits too.

That piece, though lampooned, is quite handy

It showed the modus operandi

The royals-in-castle

Relieve all our hassle

With kai kai and Ol’ Mama Brandy

5. This one is for Pastor Chris Okotie, renowned grandliloquent man of the cloth, who has flagged off his perennial presidential campaign by telling Catholics the Pope is the antichrist and that  they’re all going to hell.

Our dear Pastor truly excites

His church with grammatical flights

But his inclination

To rule our nation

Is mostly all saccharine delights

6. The President recently signed the Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Bill into law. While banning gay marriage (which was already unlawful under the old marriage laws), many argue it actually goes as far as also making private homosexual conduct illegal. It kicked up a storm on the interblogs.

The old law was no more effectual

To deal with love gay, though consensual

To make up the time

It now is a crime

In Naija to be homosexual

There was once a Nigerian law

That made twitterati jaw-jaw

‘Bout culture, religion

“Colonialisation”

Intolerance, hatred and more

This loud and impassioned debate

About how adults may relate

Has kicked up a storm

About what the norm

Should be in a secular state

7. The Pastor of a popular church, accused last year of adultery, and promising a “robust response” to the allegations and accusations (yet to be delivered; that chapter is probably closed now), was blessed, by a visiting Pastor, with a Rolls Royce reported to be worth $1million

Today we must all with one voice

Give hearty thanks, praise & rejoice

There once was abuse

But now robust news

Of shiny new gleaming Rolls Royce

8. Since we’re on the subject of robust responses, how about that Okonjo-Iweala lady? Nigeria’s Minister of Finance and the Coordinating Minister of the Economy (and one-fifth of Nigeria’s Pentocracy or a quarter of its Jezebellocracy, if you believe Femi Fani-Kayode), provided a response over 100 pages long to the 50 questions she had been asked by the House Committee on Finance. Their aides must have had their weekends ruined.

The minister’s response robust

To justify huge sacred trust

So now we all wait

What will be the fate

Of all the Assembly men’s lust?

9. Two shootings on either side of the political spectrum. One was Senator Magnus Abe, of the opposition APC, the other, President Jonathan’s head of Photoshop.

They shot Magnus point-blank with rubber

And injured his somatic flubber

T’was minimal force

The cops say, of course

He’s off to London to recover

Goodluck’s chief pic shooter’s been shot

With bullets, not lenses, his lot

And live ones, not rubber

But yay, the old lubber

Is resting in a hospital cot

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