Limericks – Updates

President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe turned 90 on the 21st of February. In the run-up to the big day, the ice-creaming loving liberator informed the world that he had no plans to retire. He will live forever, this man.

 

To Robert, now nonagenarian

That plucky life-presidentarian

Who plans to sit tight

In official might

We extend a felicitation

 

Old Robert of modern Rhodesia

By now should be wracked with amnesia

Instead his design

Is not to resign

We might have to try euthanasia

 

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The huge swing in the limericks of Lamido is quite jarring. In the space of only a few weeks, we went from chronicling his “disagreements” with the NNPC to being shocked at and debating the legality of his suspension by the President. Not only did the President appoint an acting Governor, a substantive replacement was also named on the same day. Badass, mister president!

 

There once was a head central banker

Whose disgust could not be made franker

His figures of oil

Made us all recoil

NNPC think he’s a w**ker

 

S.Lam of the squeezy transmission

Found bulky misappropriation

But Minister Dez

(From all that she sez)

Believes it’s misrepresentation.

 

Godwin’s come into some good luck

Hope he won’t be mere sitting duck

He’s taken the place

Of ex-squeezing ace

Who frankly does not give a f-

 

A farewell to precious ol’ Lam

For daring to finger ‘la DAM’

His cart was upended

For he was suspended

Thus clearing the tetchy logjam

 

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The personal assistant to the son of the governor of Abia State died at the gun of his boss’s police orderly. It is being reported that the First Son gave the kill order. Naturally, however, the Police authorities are saying one of their guns was naughty again and accidentally discharged. They need to be castrated, these easily excitable guns.

 

This tragic PA situation

Has roundly met our condemnation

But powers that be

Explain, ’twas you see

Unintended ejaculation

 

There once was a First Son’s P.A.

They say he was shot dead today

They say at his word

A gunshot was heard

The orderly earning his pay

 

—————————————

In Sports, Jose called Arsene a “specialist in failure”, the NFF finds itself in the peculiar position of advocating for a foreign assistant to their winningest coach in decades, Fulham sacked Rene Meulensteen, David Moyes, continues to break records, having his team set one for the most crosses in a premier league match – 81.

 

There once was mouthy mentalist

Called Arsene a failure specialist

That haughty retort

Is sorely abhorred

By every football tribalist

 

You must not ‘ave ‘eard zem, Renee

Zat’s why zey ‘ave sacked you today

Said it only once

But your Resistance

Did not raise zeir standard of play

 

Since Alex chose David on bias

Each challenge’s been the Himalayas

Each foe David’s seen

Has busted his spleen

Has been the proverbial Goliath

 

The tactic today is to cross

Tis what they’ve been told by the boss

They haven’t yet scored

Their fans’ ox is gored

Let’s hope won’t be another loss.

 

A farewell by ManU to Vidic

Ain’t Popeye, no rescue from spinach

He used to be great

Been dodgy of late

And now he is off to play Quidditch!

 

In spite of their worst machination

Keshi has been a revelation

Yet powers that be

Inexplicably

Insist on foreign “assistation”.

 

———————————————

The Villa did a fair amount of personnel shuffling since our last update. After its stoic silence on the numerous allegations against erstwhile Minister of Aviation, Stella Oduah, the Presidency did a Jack Reacher and got rid of 5 ministers, including Ms Oduah. Just before she was relieved of her office though, it was rumoured, then quickly denied that she’d ordered the State Secret Service to keep its staff away from her international airports.

 

The needful now done somewhat late

Will agencies investigate

Or will this her boot

Be mere parachute

No info, so we speculate

 

L.Maku says they were not sacked

That in fact, the President’s backed

Their wish to engage

Political stage

And give their home states what they’ve lacked

 

Ah Stella, the Actress of God

From Ministrial BeeM-ers now shod

A tardy farewell

Though we know too well

Not really, for she’s Johnnie’s blood

 

Ms Stella’s again in the news

Bizarre, but they say she’s refused

To permit access

By the SSS

To airports, and they’ve blown a fuse

 

——————————————-

Mallam Nasir El-Rufai was arrested by the SSS and asked to clarify his “there will be blood” remarks about next year’s elections. Vigilant social commentators quickly pointed out that some persons of the same ethnic group as the President had made similar remarks and had been rewarded by the State with a Presidential commando rescue from Benin Republic. They say the government does not give a damn about social media but Mujahid Asari Dokubo, would-be liberator of the Niger-Delta, was arrested shortly afterwards.

 

To balance the Mallam equation

DSS, in rectification

Has deigned to invite

Professor Ignite

The Lord of All Emancipation

 

———————————————–

It emerged that some monarch in Nnewi, in a fit of ironic buffoonery, given that his first name is Wisdom, issued the most misogynistic of fatwahs.

 

Nnewi’s again in the news

King Wisdom in foolish abuse

Decrees & requires

That women’s attires

Be skirts scarfs or else be taboos

 

———————————————

It’s a failing he admitted to in his autobiography but we believed him to have come fully clean in My Story. Well, a previously obscure (in the international sense) daily paper in Ireland broke the story of a purported affair between President Bill Clinton and Elizabeth Hurley, while he was president. The source of the story, Ms Hurley’s boyfriend at the time, now admits he made it all up. Between story breaking and denial being published, however, we did the limerick below.

 

In Blighty, a rumour’s emerged

About ol’Bill’s legendary urge

Tripp, Winsky, now Hurley

Yes, human, but surely

His rep must be nigh on its verge

 

—————————————-

Governor Aregbesola of Osun state is a peculiar one. After merging state schools in a curious turn of educational policy, pupils arrived wearing the garb of their religions – Christians in choir robes, Muslims in veils and burkahs, and traditionalists bearing charms and armulets.

 

In Osun right now there’s confusion

In secondary school institution

Rauf did a mix

And now he must fix

The Mus-Christ-Trado revolution

 

————————————

Say a prayer for Borno.

 

Maiduguri skies growing darker

As one rampage follows another

The soil’s all soaked

Our throats are all choked

By this tragic ‪#BornoMassacre

 

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