The Chronicles of Chill: Gambrach’s Other Room

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Brethren and Sisthren, chill had long departed the kingdom. Nobody was hammering anymore as their hammers had been covered with recessionary latex and turned into mallets and the ceteris was no longer paribus in the econominix of the environment.

 

Everyday, Oshinoshin, the Hand of King Gambrach, would come into the village square to pronounce to the Kingdom all the great machinations of the mind of the King. Each day, when the wailing was at its ebb, he would tell the people, Your King will build this, the King’s council will do that, we are planning to do this. Yet nothing was done. Wherefore the people christened him Comer Comer Comer Comer Comer Comelion, for he used to come and go, with his dreams all red, gold and green.

 

And then one night, as the people put aside their wailing to prepare for sleep, the Deliverance Squadron Squad, imbued with the precarious spirit of Egbami, swooped on the abodes of the highest judges in the land. Behold, they lifted up their heads against ye gates and broke down their previously everlasting doors and laid siege to their dwelling places.

 

The people were alarmed because the Deliverance Squad Squadron were a secret militia, whose primary purpose was to prevent insurgency and treason in the land. Also, as the purported reason for the swooping was the alleged enrichment of the judges of themselves, by themselves, in the most egregious manner, the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission was by law the appropriate organ of the King’s forces, and many were disturbed at the deployment of the formerly secret Deliverance Squad Squadron. This was more so, especially as Mr. Magoo, the nearsighted leader of the Everly Commission had long since complained about the judges not ruling in favour of the Commission.

 

But the Lovengers were pleased. “Oh the fragrant scent of Gambrachian justice!” they proclaimed. “See ye the announcement by the Deliverance Squad of all the coin that they have delivered from the houses of the judges! Surely this is evidence of their perfidy!”

 

“Why choosest thou to be fickle and unremembering of the many so-called deliverances of the Deliverance Squad? The 90 billion shekels of Daisy Annie? The 50 million Barrackistani shekels in the farm of Mar-Ku, predecessor of Lar-Yi in the office of councillor for propaganda…seest thou these deliverances in truth and verity?”

 

And the Deliverance Squad decided to call their deliverance swoop a sting. And lo, was it the bluntest sting in the history of stings, and was not at all like a sting causing but a mere swelling on the arm, but more a collision of chariots that breaketh the arms and legs of a victim.

 

But lo, in spite of the copious amounts of coin, both foreign and local, which the deliverance squad proclaimed that it had delivered, no charge was proffered against the judges. Wherefore it was proclaimed across the land, “Oh DeSS, where is thy victory? Where, oh DeSS thy sting? The sting of DeSS is sin and the power of sin is the lawyer.”

 

The people blamed Gambrach for the misadvaneture of the Deliverance Squad. And behold, while the people wailed and complained, wondering what manner of affliction made its kings across different quadrania act unbecomingly, word came from Roo Ben, head scribe of King Gejoshaphat. “Brethren”, said Roo Ben, “tis true what thou thinkest about life at Bedrock. Our kings wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual hosts in subterranean places. Seest thou not say una leaders no too dey get sense again when they enter Bedrock? Seest thou not the death of the wife of King Shegolas, the death of King Yardy, the afflictions of Lady PeiPei which cleareth once Gejoshaphat was no more king? Ye must pray to the gods, old and new. In fact, scratch that. Ye must break down this Bedrock and build a new one.”

 

And the spirit of Wawu traversed the land yet again. For people were amazed that a man of science and logic, such as Roo Ben, could foray into the metaphysical. But yea, were they also filled with concern. “How then copest Gambrach and Yeeshah?” the people asked. “Is the Many Years Disease of Gambrach an affliction of the subterranean? Is Lady Yeeshah in soundness of body and mind and in good cheer?”

 

Almost as if Lady Yeeshah heard their enquiries, Lady Yeeshah spoke in the public square of the burden of her heart. “Remember ye when Gambrach declaraed that he woulds be a fakest guy if he appointeth not his ride or die homies? I, his wife of one Mandelanic period, remember. I, his wife of one Mandelanic period am therefore aghast that of the two score and ten men that surroundeth Gambrach, Gambrach knoweth but ten of them. As a wife of one Mandelanic period, I wouldest know his ride or dies and behold, the host that encamp around our dwellings are not known to me.”

 

“Wawu”, said the moderator of her discussion. “Sayest thou that Gambrach be not in control of the kingdom.”

 

“Thou seest him, so thou knowest the answer.” replied Lady Yeeshah. And in the spirit of the great bard of the Kingdom, Felanimus Kutinski, it finisheth not, it finisheth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, it finishesth not, for she continued.

 

“As for me, I have purposed in my heart not to stand by his side should he seek a renewal of his reign in the next quadranium. Neither shall I ask the women of the kingdom to stand for him in electoralis. For I am quite bigly pissed off.”

 

Myyyyyyy gheeeeeuuuurrrrrd!!! This was unprecedented in the entire scrolls of the chronicles of the kingdom, for the wife of the King to speak so brazenly against him in the open. And the people wondered what the response of Gambrach would be, for they remembered that he used to be a man of Gunn.

 

Fortunately for them, Gambrach was on his way out of the Kingdom again, on his way to Allegmania, the Kingdom of Queen Mer Kell, who Gambrach called Queen Me Shell, perhaps due to his affliction of Many Years Disease. It was fortunate for the people of the Kingdom, because of his outspokenness – his speaking only when he was out of the Kingdom (this is recycled joke of chronicler, so funny).

 

And when Gambrach arrived in Allegmania, after stepping out of his flying chariot in a manner that brought tears to the eyes of the Lovengers, and inspecting the Allegmanian troops of honour in a manner which filled the Lovengers with gratitude and the sense of being fortunate to have him as president, Gambrach stood in the chamber of Queen Mer. Together, they addressed the men and women of Paparazzia and Blogg.

 

Behold, did the people of Paparazzia enquire of Gambrach, “Oh great king Gambrach, hearest thou the words of thy wife? Everybody clappy hand for you, she don’t clappy hand for you no more. Like, Latiffus Kayodensis, she taketh away her support from thee and Apicuria. This be-eth an almighty ela! Wilst thou take it?”

 

And Gambrach replied, “I knoweth not if my wife belongeth to Padipalia or Apicuria. I know, however, that she belongeth in my kitchen. And that she belongeth in my living room. And…” he said as a mischievous grin played across his face, “…that she belongeth in my other room. You know what I’m saying fellas! My other room! You know what I’m saying, right? Look, my eye winketh. Thou gettest my meaning, surely.”

 

“Your Highness, but thou art an old man…” said one man of papyrussian blog.

 

“I have many years’ disease, fam. Not that I’ve been alive for so many years. When the lovengers were telling me to fire on and go harder, I’m sure you thought it was only with regard to my quest against graft, shebi? Jon Snows, all of you.”

 

But the King had said this in the presence of his host Queen Mer, a lady herself. It was a scandal, for Gambrach had suggested to the global world, in era of the incumbent and impending Queens of Barrackistan and the Queen of Allegmania, that the place of the woman was in the kitchen, the living room and the, uhm, “other” room. And brethren, the goddam chill was gone and only a figment of the people’s memory.

 

And Gar Bar, the Chief Scribe to Gambrach emerged. “Oh people. Why lackest ye a sense of humour. We who encamp around Gambrach know that he is a barrel of laughter. Remember not that he readeth only the comics and pastiches in the daily papyrus? How I wouldst that ye would chill and get ye it not twisted; for Gambrach unleasheth a banter on thee.”

 

And myyyyyyy gheeeeeeeurd! There was not a speculum of gaddem chill in the whole entire kingdom.

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