The Chronicles of Chill: TRUMPet from the Hill

Blow ye the trumpet in Zion, and sound an alarm in my holy Hill: let all the inhabitants of the land tremble: for the day of the Lord cometh, for it is nigh at hand… – Joel 2:1

trumpetter

And so, after the declaration of King Gambrach that Lady Yeesha belongeth in his other room, Lady Yeesha raised herself up in the fulness of swagger and summoned the Queens of the Continent from the other rooms of their kings to a summit in Bel Jom. Lo, did she drape herself in the luxury finery of renowned garment maker Fer Gammo and all who beheld her exclaimed, “Yasss!” for she slayeth like a bad chick.

In that time, the pecuniary unchill which encampeth around the Iron Bank of Boo Jar and maketh the coin of the land unfloated, Moozes who contendeth with Ambsalom for the Kingdom of Gideria looked at his diminishing stock and sayeth unto himself, ‘How many of Gejoshaphat’s former councillors still have food to spare in spite of the Great Stinging, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to Gambrach and say to him: O King, Do with me what thou wilt.’ So he got up and returned to the Kingdom from Barrackistan.

And as he arrived from Barrackistan, while he was still a long way off, behold Gambrach saw him and was filled with absolutely no compassion for him and sent the Delivernace Squadron to welcome him and adorn him with the garments of incarceration.

Lo, did they also clothe Roo Ben likewise, not because he had written a scroll about the hosts of hell encamped around the dwelling of the just and unjust in Bedrock, but because it was seen that he also walked through the gates of Darth Soukey and was bequeathed with 50 million shekels.

And in the cell, Moozes looked at Roo Ben and chuckled. “Thou sef! Thou writest exceedingly much! Thou disturbeth the goons, then thou disturbeth their guardian fiends. How thinkest thou, that thou wouldest not finally provoke someone’s ire?”

Roo Ben laughed back at Moozes. “Thou might be a bigger MAGA than I, for thou returnest from Barrackistan thinking that a prodigal son’s welcome might somehow await thee. Thou art the most to be pitied amongst men.” Yea, did they both gaze longingly across the oceans towards Barackistan.

The season of electoralis was upon them Barrackistan. And in contention were Rhoda Hill, whose husband had been king several quadrannia past. Lo, did she contest for the throne of thrones with a man of great wealth, whose name was Trum Pet. Pet and Hill contested fiercely for the throne. Yea, did they traverse the entire kingdom, beseeching the people for their support.

The rulers of the earth favoured Hill over Pet. For Hill had been queen. She had served in senatii. Yea, had she even been councillor for foreign kingdom’s for the king. The nobles of Barackistan all denounced Pet, for while he was imbued with vast sums of coin, it was known in the galaxies that he was a hedonist, an epicurean, given to ostentation, brashness and self-adulation.

As the season of electoralis progressed, the utterances of Pet caused many consternation. For he said of the people of Mex, that many of them were given to forceful knowledge of women; killers who would not see the kingdom of heaven. He swore that he would build a yuge and glorious wall to keep them out. He said of the people of the crescent that they would not be welcome to Barackistan if he were to be King. Lo, did he say of fair maidens in the land, that whenever he was around them, he was stripped of his senses and yea grabbeth them by their pooh-seas! What is a pooh-sea? Alas, the chronicler does not know, for it has not been revealed to him, but the words of Pet brought revulsion in the global world. And Trum Pet was not moved by them.

Rhoda Hill, blessed and most favoured, was not without blemish herself. She was said to be friendly with men and women of usury, many of whom were of nefarious character. Together with her husband, King Klean Tonne, they ran a home for social good which many accused of funneling to their personal good. And, worst of all, when she was councillor, she refused to use the king’s elite security ravens for sending messages, preferring to use her homing pigeons instead, potentially opening up the secrets of the kingdom to the enemy.

All over the world, the people watched intently to see who would win and sit on the throne, for Barackistan was a great and mighty kingdom. On the final day of electoralis, many foresaw a victory for Rhoda Hill. All over the world, people prophesied the coming age of Queen Hill. Many were rejoicing before the the first vote was cast, imagining the rain of glass that would flood the earth as Queen Hill put a hole in the Glazone layer. Yet many more heralded glad tidings of great joy, for Barackistan had never had a Queen on the throne.

But it was not to be. As news of the various results began to filter in, the spirit of wawu descended upon Rhoda Hill’s supporters. This spirit was not enough to contain the worsening emotions as even more results arrived, so it made way for the spirit of Egbami. The people of Hill held on to hope audaciously and sought to rebuke the spirits. But it got worse, as Egbami made way for the spirit of Hinevahesperredit. And into the late hours of the night, they sought to exorcise the evil spirits. Their labour was in vain, for behold, 2 hours past midnight all the spirits fled, as that evil spirit of IzallovaJackie descended with a gbim!

Trum Pet blew his trumpet as King-in-waiting, and the world marveled. Wherefore, remember ye, I beseech thee, the words that preceded this chronicle – “Blow ye the trumpet in Zion, and sound an alarm in my holy Hill: let all the inhabitants of the land tremble: for the day of the Lord cometh, for it is nigh at hand.”

Brethren, the trumpet has been blown and an alarm has been sounded in holy Hill, as she conceded the battle. Tremble, brethren, for the day of the Lord cometh, it is nigh at hand and there shall be no gaddem chill! Selah.

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7 thoughts on “The Chronicles of Chill: TRUMPet from the Hill

  1. Oh Lawdt! The spirit of wawu gave way to the spirit of egbami and then the spirit of hineva…nvm and finally the spirit of izallovajackie! Ewo

    The transition of the spirits must be smoother than the LGA caretaker committees run things in Naija.

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  2. Blessed be the Chronicler; for he knoweth not that he taketh away many a sorrow from reccesed minds needing distraction draped in satire and comedy. I beseech you to befriend Goo Goo for it holds the answer to the revelation you seek – Pooh-seas!

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