The Chronicles of Chill: The Seventh Bravo Chamber of Gawd

Cave with money

“My Lord the king is slow to hear, because of his affliction with the Many Years’ Disease, but the moment he heareth, behold he swingeth into action.” 

These were the words of one of the many bards of King Gambrach. And yea, did the words come to pass with the King’s banishment of Balavida from his council. The King had finally read of the curious case of corruptio korikonensis  and kwarapta intrusivo and had recanted his infamous Balavidan epistle. And yea, it was FemCallamitus, now shorne of his Kingsleycostlian euphoria that brought the news to the people that Gambrach has commanded his Hand, Osinoshin, to head the inquisition into the unfortunate grass species that prevented succour from reaching those that had been displaced by the cursed tribe of Boko.

And lo, was there another that was banished from the kingdom and marked for inquisition by Osinoshin. His name was Okey-Dokey and he was head of the kingdom’s league of espions. Why was he banished? Well, brethren, it was to do with that ancient prophet Flowing Rider again. For yea, they blew his whistle baby, whistle baby and the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission blew down the doors of a castle in the ancient city of Koh Yi.

As the Everlies swarmed the seventh bravo chamber of the castle, they came upon nought that the Brotherhood of the Blowing Whistles had promised. And then the spirit of another ancient prophet, Oceanic Billy, came upon Magoo and he screamed, “TEAR DOWN THESE WALLS!” And lo, behind the walls were caverns. And yea, when the caverns were smashed was there revealed an almighty haul of tremendous coinage, totalling 47 million Trumpetistani shekels.

GADDDDEEEEMMMMMMM!!!!

Brethren, the unchill that followed was so severe that the Everlies counting the haul broke out in severe perspiratory malaise. Never had the people seen so much coinage in flesh. Even in the famous dramatisation entitled “Coinage Speaketh” featuring the great actors Christopher Tuckerson and Jackson Chan-El5, when the bad guys demanded the 50 million shekels, Tuckerson exclaimed, “who thinkest thou that thou kidnappest? Vauxhall Hallmark?”

And the people demanded in their extreme unchill, “who owneth the seventh bravo chamber?” And speculatio randumus ensued. Some said it belonged to Rotimachus, others said it belonged to Mooh Azooh, former Head of House Padipalia. Some said it belonged to “special friend” of Rotimachus and very quickly Moprah Budfrey came into Twilistia denying that she was a special friend of Rotamachus or that he bequeathed the seventh bravo chamber to her, or that she even owned the seventh bravo chamber. And all believed her, so like Christo Fresh, they said, Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh! Yeah!

Behold, Mooh Azooh also claimed absolutely no knowledge of the ownership of the seventh bravo chamber. First he disavowed the the castle but his disavowment of the castle was quickly disavowed by they who built the castle. So, Mooh Azooh returned to admit that the castle was built at his behest. “People of the Kingdom, tis true I disavowed the castle but yea, did I lie. For the castle was built at my behest but lo, did I not have coin to repay the bank that lendeth me the money. And lo, did they repo my ass. Behold, I own now only a fraction of the castle and knoweth not who owneth the seventh bravo chamber.”

And yea, did 72 hours pass and the ownership of the chamber remain a mystery. Finally, the league of espions laid claim to the vast coin declaring, this money belongeth to our league, for our operations most very covert and down-low. Selah and let it be.

But Gambrach was neither a fan of the Beatles or Paul McCartney and he wouldst not let it be. “In this time of recessio economicus this vast amount of Trumpetistani coin exists without my knowledge???”

And Okey-Dokey replied him, “Your Grace, the clue existeth in the words ‘covert’ and ‘down-low’, bruh. Our league of espions is on a most clandestine mission and the Magoorian Everlies have compromised us.”

“Thou compromisest me, Okey-Dokey!!!” exclaimed Gambrach in royal frustration. “I shall be compromised no further. Summon Osinoshin!” And thus, were Balavida and Okey-Dokey banished from the Kingdom until Osinoshin determined their culpability.

The winds of Malabootay still blew across the land, with foreign scribes accusing King Gejoshaphat of enriching himself unlawfully, to which he replied, “my intercontinental stature riseth and this troubleth you. Haters gon’ hate, ballers gon’ ball and I feel pity for you all.” Semen from the play of Beegue Braw Thurr was not receiving due ostracisement for his molestations, Gambrach had forgone 2 meetings of the council of the kingdom for what Lar Yi termed ‘lighter affairs’. Of course, there was no gaddem chill in all the land!

The Chronicles of Chill: By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them

Watermelons

Brethren, there was finally chill in the land. It was not the chill that passeth understanding for this chill was well understood. It was the chill of the drama that bowled the kingdom off its feet. It was a stage drama scripted by the Orwellian playwright, Monsieur Beegue Braw Thurr of Paris.

For 3 score and 1 and a half dozen days, Beegue Braw enthralled the kingdom with its array of thespians, with names such as the kingdom had never seen before and behold, there was a grand prize for the greatest actor in the play. The people forgot about King Gambrach, who had said and done and was seen very little since he returned from Jandinia. Lo, Gambrach said it unto the people that he would be returning to the Jandinian meisters to perfect his convalescence and yea, was it greeted with a cacophony of silence. An almighty kerfuffulous scandal broke, showing the debauchery of malabootay and yea, was it unlooked by all and sundry, and there was chill.

Brethren, yea was it the season of the ancient prophet Flow Rider and the lost tribe of the whistle blowers. Behold, they blew his whistle baby, whistle baby and let the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission know about vast swathes of coin stolen by officials of the Kingdom. The brotherhood of the Flow Riders blew hard, for an inheritance was promised unto them that revealed. And the whistles only blew of Gejoshaphatic pilferage, for the Kingodm of Gambrach was upright and holy.

And there was chill in the land.

But then, the spirit of the Tword swept through the kingdom and saw the people in a state of unprecedented sub-chill. So happy and chilled were they and so bereft of the burdens of the kingdom had they become that unmarried many and unmarried man clung to women that were neither their wives and copulated in unbridled chillaxation. Such unbridled coitusification rose as a stench and the spirit of the Tword was so displeased that it sent a plague upon the the fetid fields of fornication.

Or so it was said by Ree Yah, the king of the lesser kingdom of ZamfarawayLand, which worst struck by the plague. And yea, was it a plague of Jye-Tiss. King Ree Yah was confounded by the plague and enquired of the court vizirs the source of the scourge. And he went into prayer himself, where it was revealed to him that the plague was sent upon the land because the fornicatometer had passed 40 forns (the metric unit of measurement). “My people, the spirit of the Tword is displeased and we have offended him sorely with our combustions of the flesh. This scourge of Jye-Tiss is upon us for we have exceeded 40 forns. We shall appease the spirit, as is the custom of our state, by the king taking a new teenage bride. And then we must do our best to keep our fornicatometer between 19 and 35 forns only, lest we be visited with another plague.”

And even then, brethren, there was only a mild, fleeting unchill. For the people watched the play of Beegue Braw Thurr. Until the play ended and the actors all exited left. Then, the chief scribe of Gejoshaphat (thou rememberest him, surely), Roo Ben dug out his quill and wrote of the play of Monsieur Beegue.

“My soul magnifies all the gods old and new for the ending of the play of Monsieur Thurr, for it was a gaddem distraction from the whinings of the kingdom. Never have I, Roo Ben, seen such a bad play about grocery in my life. For I know my onions. And I know my fruits. And I know too well when fruit oligarchs masquerade their products with sultry satire.

“In the play of Monsieur Beegue, there were lost of bananas on display. SoLah TiDoh, one of the lady actors, loved the bananas of her male counterparts quite openly. But they were bad bananas. How do I know this? Because I also have a banana. And while I was in the king’s court, I received praise for my premium banana, disbelieving the lies of those who claimed they had seen better bananas. In fact, my banana was once thought to be a plantain and another a cucumber. The cucumber person was colour blind in their left eye though.

“And then there was Left-Eye, the posh actress of mixed heritage who put her fruits on display, claiming that they were fruits that were loved by the high-flying men of the winged chariots in the sky. Gurrrrl, because of my time in the king’s court, I know a thing or two about the favoured fruit of the frolicking affluents. I have seen better fruit than Left Eye had to offer. I see better fruit all the gaddem time. And unlike the downward pointing mangoes and oranges Left Eye put on display, the men of the flying chariots prefer pumpkins and watermelons and coconuts.

“You see, to be a man of discernment is a lifetime’s work. And I have developed quite a taste for fruit. A man of discernment knows his fruits.”

And mygheeeeeurd, did unchill return with a righteous vengeance! Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom!