The Chronicles of Chill: Voyage to Jandinia

There was a gnashing of teeth in the land as the spirit of Har Thy Known ravaged the Kingdom.

The people grew weary of the absence of their King and encamped around Bedrock to demand news of his ailment and what the meisters had said was the affliction.

The Beacons of Lie[t] in Bedrock sought to illuminate the minds of the people. “Have ye already forgotten the bootyliciousness of Daisy Annie?” they asked. “Are ye not bothered at the gajillions of shekels which we have shown ye somewhat that she stuffed into her booty?”

“Nay!” the people answered. “Give us news of what ails our king and when he returneth in his glorious and majestic swaggerliciousness. Pretend King Osinoshin is great guy but the kingdom drifteth further and further into pretence.”

So the Beacons sent one of their number unto the people, to speak with Thankful Peacock of the Char Knells. Her name was Gyretta, for she had a fondness for the white sap of gyration from the tree of the palm.

And Thankful Peacock asked her, “Dost thou not think the time has come for ye Beacons of Lie[t] to reveal the truth about King Gambrach’s health?”

And Gyretta replied, “Verily, we say unto thee with utmost veracity, the King recovereth everyday and as ye are witnesses, the Pretend King holdeth the fort.”

“What recoverest he from, though?” asked Thankful Peacock.

“A private ailment, gaddemit! The King is private guy in a public office, undergoing a private convalescence in publicly funded quarters, eating private food provided with public money, receiving private treatment from the Jandinian meisters at the public’s expense. It’s private, gaddemit, don’t you get it? Ye would do well to refrain from insulting him further with this quest for transparency.”

Yea, did Gambrach hear of her exploits all the way in Jandinia and commanded, “Let Gyretta come unto me, for she has done much heavy labour. She deserveth some rest. Let FemCallamitus come as well, for though he writeth gibberish, I know he doeth it for the love of the game.”

Behold, thus it was that the Beacons of Lie[t], namely, Lar-Yi, Gar Bar, FemCallamitus, Gyretta (the scribes of Gambrach) and Bee Ree (Gambrach’s Adviser on Those Who Had Seen The Light and Escaped the Kingdom) all got on a ship and sailed to Jandinia.

On arriving at the Jandinian Docks, they ran into many of the kings from the 36 kingdoms, who had also come to see the King.

“How is my beloved King, most Davidic, Solomonic and merciful?” asked FemCallamitus. It was King Ro Chazz of Imolek that answered, “Yea, our King is bam! And behold, his pet dog – SenseofHumour – is now so frisky, he has put it on a leash. Ye can scratch SenseofHumour behind its ears or tummy. Such a mischievous puppy, it filleth the room with laughter.”

“Oh, how I have missed SenseofHumour in Bedrock!” exclaimed Gar Bar.

“A word of caution though”, said King Jimobite of Oyossinia. “Ye must now pay an admission fee to gain an audience with King Gambrach.”

“Why?” asked Bee Ree

“Have ye not heard? His audiences are now managed by the famous Madam Two Swords establishment.”

“Our King is so brilliant. He earneth coin for the Kingdom even in his convalescence.” said FemCallamitus.

And so the Beacons paid the entrance fee to Madam Two Swords to see King Gambrach. Gambrach greeted them with a dazzling smile. While they had expected to see him wearing his brown robes of convalescence, they were overcome with joy seeing him in a holy white, majestic tunic. Lar-Yi was so overcome with joy that the spasms racked his body and he doubled over in rapturous pain.

“Outer Bah Your” said Gambrach, and Moborius emerged, clad in the Spartan Belts of Leonidas, and he quickly painted the portrait of the King and the Beacons.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, SenseofHumour jumped on Lar-Yi, licking his face as he wagged his tail in earnest canine playfulness. The whole room burst into laughter. “Ah, SenseofHumour” chuckled Lar-Yi, “I thought they said you’d been put on a leash now.”

Yea, did another puppy run into the room, this time rubbing itself against Bee Ree’s legs and rolling over on its back, indicating it wanted to be tickled.

“Your Majesty has a new dog?” asked Gar Bar.

“Yes. When the meisters commanded me to remain here until they released me, they realised that SenseofHumour, who had been doing so well, was going to be lonely. So they gave me another dog to keep him company.”

“What is this new dog called?” asked Gyretta.

“His name is Banters” replied the King.

And yea, did they revel in the presence of their lord. And when they emerged from his presence, filled anew with vigour and love, and the people asked news of the King, Lar Yi responded, “It pleaseth me to tell ye that the King is hearty. Behold his SenseofHumour and Banters were thoroughly on point.”

“ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT WHEN COMETH HE BACK? WILL HE NOT EVEN SEND WORD TO US?”

And the Beacons of Lie[t] looked at each other and in unison, closed their eyes, stuck their fingers in their ears and said the magic words “Ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne.”

Yea, did they vanish away from the people.

The people were incensed. And there was no gaddem chill.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s