The Chronicles of Chill: Pestilencio Ekutensis

rats

Brethren, there have been revelations. The Tword has been speaking but the profundity of the visions have been overwhelming. The challenge of writing them was too great. Yea, did the Chronicler break all his quills and spill all his ink in amazement. Behold, he had to order new parchment and writing material from the Amazonian forest in Bezos and lo, did they arrive in prime time.

And so, it was revealed that when Lar Yi and the Beacons of Lie[t] returned from Jandinia, they were in peak delirum, especially FemCallamitus, who broke out into song – “Yea, like a pussy cat, I voyaged to London to see my King. Behold, I thought he would grab me with passion, like the Trumpet of Trumpstantinople but alas he did not. And when I saw my King in Jandinia, what did I do there? Ask my wife and children, they know my face is scary in private. I frightened away all the little mice under my King’s chair! It was a glorious time, having Holy Communion with my lord the King and his Queen before we were asked to leave, so they couldest retire to their other room.”

And a sigh of relief spread throughout the Kingdom. The King was alive and at least in a state of outer bah your.  It was only for a brief moment however, as a group of people decided to tag hashes demanding that Gambrach either abrogate his absence or abdicate the throne. “Abrogate or Abdicate!” they declared, led by renowned Irish juggernaut, Chazz O’Puta.

The constabulary of the kingdom refused to stand for it and quashed every gathering of Chazz O’Puta and his posse with the entire gamut of armoury at their disposal. Chazz and his guys were much too violent. A more peaceful procession against the Abrogate or Abdicate protests received the full blessing of the kingdom, including a battalion of constables to protect them along the way. There was only one side of this divide with fine people. So Chazz went back to Ireland.

Not long after, a ripple spread across the Kingdom that Gambrach had left his confinement in Jandinia and was returning to the kingdom. Was this a triumph for Chazz O’Puta and the people of Abrogate or Abdicate group? It did not matter. For yea, the streets were full of people of the country waiting to catch a glimpse of their king. Lo, he came on clouds descending. And his chariots could scarcely move, for the people obscured the way. Chorusing, “Welcome! O, Yo-Yo! Welcome King! O Yo-Yo!” because of the way he had swung back and forth between the kingdom and Jandinia like a yo-yo since ascending the throne.

“Fear not, good people. Your King shall address ye on the morrow.” Gar Bar informed the people. And so they waited. Behold, the morrow was soon upon them, and Gambrach spake.

Dear Subjects, it’s been a mad minute, yo! Ye have had updates on my sense of hearing, my sense of standing and my sense of humour. I know that ye hunger and thirst for more. But yeah, piss off, mates [this is a slang I learnt far away in Jandinia]. You may now laugh for a few seconds.

“Now that the laughter is out of your systems, take ye heed, that I am alarmed at the behaviour of some of you in Social Mediania and Digital Perusia. Ye have listened to the bard Robin of Thicke so much, that all the red lines of the Kingdom are now blurred. Ye shall all go to specsavers [this is another Jandinian colloquialism, for the information of ye with no foreign exposure]. You may laugh again at my robust display of sense of humour but beware the espions I have sent out amongst ye. No longer shall there be careless whispers. Gambrach out.”

The people were in a daze. Was this the reward for their earnest and fervent prayer? Had the Many Years Disease and the new mystery affliction robbed the King of the warmth of his heart?

As they turned these questions over in their hearts, a loud shriek was heard in Bedrock. It was Gambrach, and all rushed to the Throne Room to see what had disturbed him so. The first to reach him was FemCallamitus.

“Oh my King, you shriek so good. If only the haters could hear your lovely shrieking now, they would know…”

“Shut up, FemCallamitus! Shut up! Can’t you see what’s going on?”

FemCallamitus took a closer look and saw a familiar set of mice and rats, looking up menacingly at he and Gambrach. It was the mice he’d frightened from under Gambrach’s chair in Jandinia and they had drawn a red line on the floor.

“My King, I shall frighten them away again. Lemme just…”

“You not fit!” declared the head rat. Apparently the rats could talk. This was also a surprise to the Chronicler. “Face no dey fear face for here!”

By now Lar Yi, Gar Bar and Gyretta had joined them in the Throne Room.

“What manner of disrespectful rat is this?” asked Gyretta. “Knowest thou not that this is a private throne room?”

“Your Majesty, this must be the work of our detractors” said Gar Bar.

Shut up!” said a second rat. “When FemCallamitus bring him face come porshue me and Dokubz from Jandinia, e no know say we must to rayvenjje?”

“Thou art called Dokubz?” asked Gambrach. “What is your name?” he asked the other.

“Sari. Na me and Dokubz dey command all dis rat we dey here.”

“Okay, Sari and Dokubz. How shall we get thee to call off your comrades?”

“We no need anything from una. In fact, we don dey go. But just so una nor go ever try us again next time una dey Jandinia, as we no fit dey under the chair there again, Gambrach sef no go siddon on top this one. Comrades! Drakaris!!!!”

Behold, the rats ate every gaddem thing in the Throne Room. Lo, was not remaining one scroll, apart from the Kwaraptia Intrusivo scroll regarding Balavida.

“The King cannot hold court in the throne room until we repair it”, said Gar Bar.

“But the people have been waiting for him to resume at court,” said Gyretta. “What shall we tell them?”

Then FemCallamitus spoke. “Ye know that we have not been plain with the people as it pertaineth to the affliction of the King and yea, did it heat up the polity. Behold, the polity is so heated up at present, that any further pressure would cause a combustion. Tis best we tell them plainly what has happened here.”

“They will not believe that rats spoke unto us”, said Gyretta.

“No, they are not that stupid,” said Lar Yi.

“Very well, we shall leave out the part of the talking rats” said Gar Bar. “I shall deliver the message unto the people. Good idea, for once, FemCallamitus.”

Then Gar Bar sent out the word from inside Bedrock, “Behold, ye people of the Kingdom, Gambrach thy King shall not sit in the throne room for now. He worketh from his private quarters. For while he was away, the throne room was devasted by rats and now we make repair.” And he smiled, expecting the people to be happy with the truth.

But how very mistaken he was. “Rats? RATS??? YE EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THIS SHIT OF BULL????”

Behold, they were incensed. And there was no gaddem chill anywhere in the kingdom.

 

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One thought on “The Chronicles of Chill: Pestilencio Ekutensis

  1. Pingback: Chronicles of Chill: Waltz of The Ipobusinian Python | TexTheLaw

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