The Chronicles of Chill: Tithuciary Chill of Olaf

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As ye already know, brethren, there was no gaddem chill in the land. But lo, in the seats of the synagogues, the priests observed a freezing in the tithuciary attitude of their supplicants. For a voice had risen in social mediana declaring as false their teachings on tithuthification. It was the voice of a man from Laiskeenia, named Olaf. Yea, did Olaf divide the words of the ancient scrolls, asserting a different path to justification.

The priests were perplexed, for they had grown accustomed over the decades to being neither touched nor done any harm. And their supplicants cried out to them, “Give us the word which putteth Olaf to shame!” But the word came not, as the priests denounced Olaf as a heretic. And Olaf was emboldened, saying “I stand on the articles of the faith which ye profess!”, to which the response from the priests, ex cathedra, was, “It is good that a man remaineth steadfast in tithuciary tithuthification, lest he fall under divine reproach.” And the people said, “Oh. Okay, then.”

The spirit of Flowing Rider was still upon the land but yea, there were fewer people who blew his whistle baby, whistle baby. To one of those bold enough to blow his whistle baby, revealing the 7th Bravo Chamber from which copious coin had been recovered, unto him was a reward promised. But after several moons, no reward came. And when the counsel to the man petitioned the Everly Failing at Convictions Commissions, Ser Magoo declared that the reward had long since been given.

But his counsel denied it, protesting to the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites, “Behold, when he rolleth me up to me with his squad to seek my counsel on how to break into the 7th Bravo Chamber, twas I who prevailed upon him to pray to Flowing Rider that he might blow his whistle baby, whistle baby and let the Everlies know. Now he regretteth my counsel, for he and his homies would have regulated the booty.”

Yea, did the people then remonstrate with the Everlies, “Why behaves thou like Gambrach and the Apicureans, making promises which thou intendest not to keep?” And Lady Kem Shun heard the cry and came to the aid of the Everlies, “We is gon’ pay the dude, he just need a lickle bitty patience, innit?” And Sagacious, Gambrach’s counsellor for reducing graft, hearing the uproar could no longer carry on the deception. “I shall tell ye the truth, O people”, he said. “The truth is that the greatest High Priests in the kingdom have ventured into the supernatural realms over the 7th Bravo Chamber booty, and have seen that the booty stasher was remiss in his tithuciary tithuthification and behold a severe divine curse resteth upon the money. If any man partaketh of it at this time, yea he shall run mad unto the third and fourth generations.”

“Maigheeeurd!!!!” exclaimed the people, for they had never heard anything like that. And behold there was unchill. But there was more to come.

For lo, did word come unto the people that the apprentice centres for Gambrach’s armies would no longer admitfemale recruits. “Whyyyyy????” asked the people in consternation. “Because”, came the reply, “these women infuse the apprentice centres with sexiness and slay-queendom, distracting their male counterparts and rendering them dullards in training and surpassing them in intellect. Yea, this is all forbidden by the northerosi priests.”

“Tis most unfair,” protested the people. “Obey before complain,” came the reply from the generals.

Twas the reverse in the constabulary, where the High Constable, Heebra Driss had been accused of rapidly advancing the careers of the female subordinates with whom he was having frequent bodily congress. Incensed, enraged and boiling with uncontrollable anger, Ser Heebra confronted his accuser saying, “O thou ignorant, barbaric fool! How darest thou tarnish me with such defamatory insinuations? Thou sayest the female constables with whom I have coitus are rapidly promoted. What informeth thy surprise? Know ye not that my ejaculate maketh them wiser and giveth them uncommon strength? Art thou suggesting it should have retarded their progress? How very uncustard of you!”

And in their unchill, the people were so amazed.

In the kingdom of Nambria, electoralis was upon the land, as the quadrannium of Working Willie Wonka. Contending with him for the throne were Wonye West of Apicuria, Bazil Oka of Padipalia, Doka Cola of Upper Volta and Wingo Starr, formerly of the land of milk and honey.

Yea, did they gather before Thankful Peacock, political engager extraordinaire, to do verbal joust before the people, that by their words the Nambrians would know them. Behold it was a night of supreme oratory gladiation and at the end of it, the people yinmued at Wingo Starr and Wonye West. Wingo had only a beatle of a chance and Wonye had a Kar crashian of a night.

In Bedrock, Gambrach had been monitoring the joust in earnest. He was not much of jouster himself, having dodged the jousts at the end of the Gejoshaphatian quadrannium (he’d had a sudden bout of bone spurs) and watched the battle unfold in awe. At the end, he knew Wonye West was in trouble. He turned to Osinoshin and said, “tell them to ready the winged chariot.”

“Sire, thou goest to Jandinia again?” Gar Bar asked.

“No”, said Gambrach, “to Nambria.”

“Nambria!!!????” the courtesans all chorused in genuine surprise.

“Yes. And the Kingdom of Bonyi M, too.”

“Glorious, most beautiful King”, said FemCallamitus, “excellent King. I bow before your throne. Oh King, thou realisest that Bonyi M and Nambria are in…in…in…south easteros?”

“Yes! Now get the gaddem winged chariot ready and tell the Nambrians to expect me!”

“FUUUUUUNKEEEE!!!!” exclaimed Osinoshin.

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Chronicles of Chill: The El-Farquaadian Purge

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Brethren, the flames of the saga of Oje Marina were fanned when Lady Yita, head of the King’s Service, revealed to the people that Gambrach was well aware of Oje Marina’s return to the kingdom. “Behold, after our weekly meeting of FECundity, I sought a moment to bring the news of the machinations to him. But yea, he believed I sought a moment of capture, for all he did was look around for Moborious, conjuring him forth with the ancient words, ‘Inner Bahyour’. Wherefore his surprise surpriseth me.”

And Kyocera, head of the King’s staff at Bedrock was livid. “Why tellest thou the people this lie? Confess, Gejoshaphat turneth thee, hath he not?” And all at the FECund could see Kyocera remonstrating with her before Osinoshin. “But the people believe me to have done nothing to stop it”, she protested. “Then why takest thou not the arrow for thy King?” asked Kyocera. “Because,” retorted Lady Yita, rolling her eyes, “ye wilt not ferry me to the Jandinian meisters for my wounds to be tended!!!” And yea, did the storm of unchill continue to rumble.

Thus it was, in that day, that Ro Chazz and the Imolekites expected anon the visit of Queen Uncleflower of the neighbouring foreign kingdom of Libarty. Queen Uncleflower was the first lady in the realm of Frikkar to win electoralis and had spent time as a warden of the Great Iron Bank of Brettonwoodsiana before ruling her people. But the people were alarmed nonetheless, for Ro Chazz was bound to unveil another of his erections.

Lo, this troubled even the scribes and handmen of Ro Chazz. “Oh great and wise erectile King, reconsider this plan, we beseech thee!” they pleaded. But Ro Chazz was adamant. “Wherefore shall I withhold my glorious erection for Queen Uncleflower? Is she not deserving of it?”

“Unbelievably so, sire” replied his goons, “but surely sire, in today’s world of Ser Wine Steene, a king must be careful.”

Yea, twas the day of Ser Wine Steene, mogul of the theatre in Trumpetistan. For his dramatisations, he had achieved great global renown but yea was he now renown for erectile revelations of sexosomatic and predatory nature. Lo, this distinction was not lost on Ro Chazz, for he said, “Behold, unlike Ser Wine Steene, my erection is built of concrete and metal, not flesh. And I shall reveal it to Queen Uncleflower. I am completely firm on the matter. It will be unsheathed!” So the scribes protested no further and shut their ears to the rumbling unchill.

In Boo Jar, it was time once again for Gambrach to present the coinage to the Kingdom. Alas, it coincided with the unearthing of the Shangrilarian Scrolls, wherein the secrets of the well-heeled were inscribed. And yea, did they shew that Mefilius, Warden of the Iron Bank of Boo Jar, together with his Irish mentor, Gym o’Veagh, had acquired winged chariots but had chosen to indicate their ownership in a Shangrilarian territory. Abushola, the warden of senatii, was also named in the Shangrilarian Scrolls. And lo, twas the ward of both Mefilius and Abushola that they remembered not their Shangrilarian affairs, as they suffered from amnesia taxomasis.

Behold, both were present as King Gambrach delivered the coinage to the people. Lady Kem Shun was also present, punctuating the King’s speech with the obligatory “Skraaaaa!!!” or “Boom!!!” or “Yes, fam!” to show her support for the King. Yea, did the King’s delivery last an hour and 9 minutes – and Gyretta was full of praise for the King, for he stood for so long. Even the King was proud of himself – “69 issa very good number, no?” he was heard to have remarked to his courtesans afterwards.

“Oh my King!” proclaimed FemCallamitus after the delivery of the coinage, “thou wert truly magnificent and full of splendour as thou…”

“Thou thinkest I seest thou not in deep slumber?”

“Oh no, my lord” replied FemCallamitus, displaying unusual quick thinking, “the truly open eye that beholdeth thy glory for too long shall wither and perish. Tis why my eyes were intermittently shut. Even Gar Bar’s too. Not so, Gar Bar?”

But Gar Bar had scuppered off, not wanting to be unevenly yoked with a slumberer. The eye that loveth Gambrach neither slumbereth nor sleepeth, he thought to himself, behind the curtain.

And even as the Lovengers proclaimed the greatness of the coinage, the wailers of the kingdom and taken their fine toothcombs and magnifying glasses to pore over its details, and twas clear that there was a huge deficiendo fiscalimensis therein. It could only be plugged by resort to borrowing. Yea, even  Melancholy’s, the global raters of coinage, saw it and warned all the Iron Banks of the world to be wary of the Kingdom of Gambrach.

Naturally, this warning was protested by the King’s Treasury, under the wardenship of Lady Kem Shun. “Nah, mates. We is not agreein wiv the warning from Melancholy’s, ya get me blud? Like’ it’s just their opinion, innit? If it’s just because of the borrowing ting, fam, everybody borrowing though, nuffing new there bruv. If we is doing the quick maffs and paying back as due and all, then Melancholy’s is wrong yeah? And anyway,miss me wiv taking financial advice from peoples whose names means sad, grim and gloomy. My synonyms game is hot, fam!

And the unchill continued to rumble on.

In the El-Farquaadian kingdom of Dunamis, a great unchill was afoot. Momodeen, relative by marriage and boy to bard Samuelo, oracle to the privileged elite, precursor in imagery to Moborius, had foretold of the abandonment of Gambrach by Shiwajun and his westerosi squad. King El-Farquaad believed Momodeen and knew that he had to do something drastic to keep the westerosi allegiance. So he summoned his council for them to have a thunderstorm of brains.

“How shall we appease the westerosi?”

“There is no appeasing them, my Lord. Just see how greatly thou art despised of the Social Medianites.”

“Even unto the intellectuals?”

“Yea, even unto the sapiosexuals, great King. Take no heed of them, my liege, for they thrive only on garrulous verbosity and being sesquipedalian.”

“Hmmmm,” thought King El-Farquaad, “can we not make our kingdom sesquipedalian and flood Social Mediana and drive out these heretics?”

“Yes, but how does this preserve the treaty with Shiwajun and the westerosi, o King?” asked one councillor, to which another replied, “When they see that we are now, uhm, sexy pedallions, they might have a rethink.” He did not understand why there was such a loud outburst of laughter. But he was right.

So, King El-Farquaad sent out an edict that all tutors in the King’s Schools were to be tested for competency. And after they were examined, yea did the number that fell short amount to a thousand score.

“My Lord, shall we conscript the failures into our army? For they shall make up 20 legions easily.”

“We have no army, imbecile. Only the great throne has an army attached to it.”

“Pardon me my Lord. Shall we retrain them, then?”

“Squire,” replied the King, “how shall a seamstress that knoweth not how to thread a needle be retrained? Nay. We shall hire new tutors. And we shall banish the totally failing tutors from the King’s schools. Purge the Tutelage.”

“Banish 20,000 tutors, sire? Twenty thousand????”

“Did I stutter?”

Behold, the news came into Social Mediana and unto the Digital Perusites. And there was no gaddem chill, nary a jot or speculum of it, in all the land!