The Chronicles of Chill: Tithuciary Chill of Olaf

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As ye already know, brethren, there was no gaddem chill in the land. But lo, in the seats of the synagogues, the priests observed a freezing in the tithuciary attitude of their supplicants. For a voice had risen in social mediana declaring as false their teachings on tithuthification. It was the voice of a man from Laiskeenia, named Olaf. Yea, did Olaf divide the words of the ancient scrolls, asserting a different path to justification.

The priests were perplexed, for they had grown accustomed over the decades to being neither touched nor done any harm. And their supplicants cried out to them, “Give us the word which putteth Olaf to shame!” But the word came not, as the priests denounced Olaf as a heretic. And Olaf was emboldened, saying “I stand on the articles of the faith which ye profess!”, to which the response from the priests, ex cathedra, was, “It is good that a man remaineth steadfast in tithuciary tithuthification, lest he fall under divine reproach.” And the people said, “Oh. Okay, then.”

The spirit of Flowing Rider was still upon the land but yea, there were fewer people who blew his whistle baby, whistle baby. To one of those bold enough to blow his whistle baby, revealing the 7th Bravo Chamber from which copious coin had been recovered, unto him was a reward promised. But after several moons, no reward came. And when the counsel to the man petitioned the Everly Failing at Convictions Commissions, Ser Magoo declared that the reward had long since been given.

But his counsel denied it, protesting to the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites, “Behold, when he rolleth me up to me with his squad to seek my counsel on how to break into the 7th Bravo Chamber, twas I who prevailed upon him to pray to Flowing Rider that he might blow his whistle baby, whistle baby and let the Everlies know. Now he regretteth my counsel, for he and his homies would have regulated the booty.”

Yea, did the people then remonstrate with the Everlies, “Why behaves thou like Gambrach and the Apicureans, making promises which thou intendest not to keep?” And Lady Kem Shun heard the cry and came to the aid of the Everlies, “We is gon’ pay the dude, he just need a lickle bitty patience, innit?” And Sagacious, Gambrach’s counsellor for reducing graft, hearing the uproar could no longer carry on the deception. “I shall tell ye the truth, O people”, he said. “The truth is that the greatest High Priests in the kingdom have ventured into the supernatural realms over the 7th Bravo Chamber booty, and have seen that the booty stasher was remiss in his tithuciary tithuthification and behold a severe divine curse resteth upon the money. If any man partaketh of it at this time, yea he shall run mad unto the third and fourth generations.”

“Maigheeeurd!!!!” exclaimed the people, for they had never heard anything like that. And behold there was unchill. But there was more to come.

For lo, did word come unto the people that the apprentice centres for Gambrach’s armies would no longer admitfemale recruits. “Whyyyyy????” asked the people in consternation. “Because”, came the reply, “these women infuse the apprentice centres with sexiness and slay-queendom, distracting their male counterparts and rendering them dullards in training and surpassing them in intellect. Yea, this is all forbidden by the northerosi priests.”

“Tis most unfair,” protested the people. “Obey before complain,” came the reply from the generals.

Twas the reverse in the constabulary, where the High Constable, Heebra Driss had been accused of rapidly advancing the careers of the female subordinates with whom he was having frequent bodily congress. Incensed, enraged and boiling with uncontrollable anger, Ser Heebra confronted his accuser saying, “O thou ignorant, barbaric fool! How darest thou tarnish me with such defamatory insinuations? Thou sayest the female constables with whom I have coitus are rapidly promoted. What informeth thy surprise? Know ye not that my ejaculate maketh them wiser and giveth them uncommon strength? Art thou suggesting it should have retarded their progress? How very uncustard of you!”

And in their unchill, the people were so amazed.

In the kingdom of Nambria, electoralis was upon the land, as the quadrannium of Working Willie Wonka. Contending with him for the throne were Wonye West of Apicuria, Bazil Oka of Padipalia, Doka Cola of Upper Volta and Wingo Starr, formerly of the land of milk and honey.

Yea, did they gather before Thankful Peacock, political engager extraordinaire, to do verbal joust before the people, that by their words the Nambrians would know them. Behold it was a night of supreme oratory gladiation and at the end of it, the people yinmued at Wingo Starr and Wonye West. Wingo had only a beatle of a chance and Wonye had a Kar crashian of a night.

In Bedrock, Gambrach had been monitoring the joust in earnest. He was not much of jouster himself, having dodged the jousts at the end of the Gejoshaphatian quadrannium (he’d had a sudden bout of bone spurs) and watched the battle unfold in awe. At the end, he knew Wonye West was in trouble. He turned to Osinoshin and said, “tell them to ready the winged chariot.”

“Sire, thou goest to Jandinia again?” Gar Bar asked.

“No”, said Gambrach, “to Nambria.”

“Nambria!!!????” the courtesans all chorused in genuine surprise.

“Yes. And the Kingdom of Bonyi M, too.”

“Glorious, most beautiful King”, said FemCallamitus, “excellent King. I bow before your throne. Oh King, thou realisest that Bonyi M and Nambria are in…in…in…south easteros?”

“Yes! Now get the gaddem winged chariot ready and tell the Nambrians to expect me!”

“FUUUUUUNKEEEE!!!!” exclaimed Osinoshin.

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