The Chronicles of Chill:Gates of Oje Marina

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Brethren, there was no gaddem chill in the land.

From the north, beyond the shores of the Kingdom, in the faraway kingdom of Lee Biya, news came to the people that the long-banished scourge of the esclaviers had reared its head and many of the number of the amistadded were from the Kingdom of Gambrach. And they cried out to the King, “O Gambrach, deliver thy people!” And yea, did Gambrach reply, “Blessed are the subjects that dwell and remain in the sacred land of my most highness, for they shall abide under my almighty shadow and have no need for deliverance.”

And with that, he got into his winged chariot to depart for the Coasts of Ivory, where the Kings of the Kingdoms of Freekah gathered for their annual bout of exchanging pointless hot air – at the Freekahzoids Congress. For the first time in a very long time – Gambrach made sure that Moborius, his chief portraitist, was present to record the moment for posterity – Gambrach embarked on the voyage in the company of Shiwajun.

Behold, the people beheld Shiwajun, who had long since been cast aside by Gambrach and had grown increasingly unenthusiastic in his public support of Gambrach and exclaimed, “Wawu, electoralis must be just around the corner and Gambrach taketh Shiwajun to the land of the Magique Systemes, that they might learn how to deuxieme gaou the kingdom.”

Yea, while they were airborne did the gates of Oje Marina (of whose chronicles ye have read) lift up their heads and lo, were they swung wide. The gates of Oje Marina were larger and more swung wide than the gates of Darth Soukey. From his hideout of fugitvity, Oje Marina sent word into Social Media through the Char Knells, protesting his innocence, “O Gambrach, wise and just king,” he said, “if thou wilt keep my persecutors away from me, I will shew ye 3 gadrillion shekels, as I already shewed ye this year!” And the people exclaimed, “Whaaaaaat???? This year???? King Gambrach knew???”

Wherefore the Nassholes in their general assembly of senateens and lower senateens resolved to inquire into the matter. Yea, did they summon every gaddem sheriff and councillor in the kingdom that had been implicated by the gates of Oje Marina.

Behold, the Nassholes demanded of the Sheriff of the Borders, “Why apprehendeth ye not Oje Marina as he fled?”

“Because he holdeth Trumpetistani travel papers, O excellent Nassholes. And ye know that Trumpetistani travel papers are the most powerful in the gaddem global world – as ye all struggle to spawn thy offspring yonder. The Trumpetistani papers have a great and mysterious power, rendering all border sheriffs idiots at the sight of them.”

“This is true,” remarked the Nassholes, “okay, we must now demand of the Deliverance Squad Squadron – why couldst ye not deliver Oje Marina before he stupefied the border sheriffs?”

“Because, the raven bringing his name from the constabulary went on strike, O great Nassholes. And even though we saw him, we could apprehend him not, for lo he was not on our list of watching.”

“But could ye not sting him like ye stung the magistrates?” asked the Nassholes.

“Alas, we are useless at stinging, great Nassholes,” came the reply. “All the magistrates we stung are exonerated and walk free. We did not wish to partake in Oje Marina’s exoneration.”

“Okay, very wise. So we must now ask Lady Kem Shun – wherefore was Oje Marina receiving wages in the King’s service?”

“Me Nassy bredrens, da’ issa wicked lying tings, man. We check the bursary scrolls, innit fam, and I can tell you for reallz fam, manz did not see his name anywhere. Oje Marina issa rudeboi for real, but swear down yeah, we is not spending any of our important econominix money on him!”

And there was no gaddem chill, for even the Nassholes were perplexed.

Yea, it was in that day that King Yade-Ben of the Crescent Lakes kingdom, in the south of the land of Gambrach presented the coinage for the coming year to the Crescentlakians.

My people, behold thy Coinage of Telepathic Apparitional Manifestations. Yea, have I also encaptioned it the Coinage of Stalgmighty Stalactites. For even though a kingdom be blessed only with puny stalagmites and looks longingly upward at the stalagtites, yet with a cerebral, esoteric and time-warping king such as myself and only myself, the gap between the stalags may crystallise. I have no compunction at this junction about the unction with which I have been endowed to function. Yea and amen! Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of having only half of the money for the coinage, I shall fear no bankruptcy. For like still waters, I run deep. If ye believe this, turn to thy neighbour and say ‘uhn-hun, uhn-hun’!

The people could not believe their ears and looked at each other, stunned. They screamed in uncontrollable rage. And there was not a single gaddem atom of chill in the entire land!

 

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