The Chronicles of Chill: The Great Iron Bank of Brettonwoodsiana

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Word came to E-Dawg that his epistle to King Gambrach had been intercepted by the Priests of Blog and had been revealed to the 37 Kingdoms by the Kalahari Newsbearers and that the people held him Puppyfied for it. He was incensed.

“Nah, nah, naaaaaaah. Y’all ain’t gon’ punk me like that. Y’all tryna puppyfy me? Me??? Shiiiii… Y’all don’t even know who you messing with.” And so he sent a raven to his cousin E-Swag, in his native kingdom of Deltonia, bearing a message which read, “Eh yo, Eh yo, E-Swag. What up cuz? Yo, real quick, remember that time when we was kids and went hunting with grandpa? And it was me that handed you the arrow you handed to grandpa and he killed a leopard?  Man, I be needing to borrow that leopard real quick. Imma bring it back, nahmsayin, I just need to re-dawg myself right now. People be looking at me, calling me E-Puppy yo.”

So E-Swag went into the ancestral chambers and retrieved the leopard. Yea, did E-Dawg dance into Twillistia and Social Mediana wearing the leopard as robes, holding a spear aloft. And all who beheld him beheld a warrior. But E-Swag laughed, saying “Puh-lease! Ain’t no one believe you killed no damn leopard.”

And while the commotion of the leopardised E-Dawg endured yet, the scribes of the Kingdom’s Petrolatery, where Baruch was Warden, blasted their trumpets and proclaimed to the Kingdom, “Hear ye, hear ye. E-Dawg slandereth our great and almighty Baruch. We shall not stand for the defamation of our great and mighty leader. For he doeth as he should and seeketh authority from whence it cometh. Authority cometh not from east or west or south. It cometh from Gambrach, he that sitteth on the throne. E-Dawg, unfortunate sod, canst not bulldoze with swag nor de-obfuscate with flowery epistles that which the Elementals designed to be nebulous, esoteric and amorphous. Is he a learner?”

Behold, the people were amazed, for the workers and cargomen of petrolatum all assembled to show solidarity with Baruch. Yea, even Gambrach attended the temple with Baruch, with Moborious in tow to ensure that all could see. “Issallova Jackie” E-Swag whispered to E-Dawg, “dunncry, dunnbeg.”

But in Dunamis, there was a loud sound of crying and begging, for King El-Farquaad had set an elementary competency challenge for tutors in his kingdom and maigheeeurd, they failed it woefully. “Ye shall be replaced, even though ye be a multitude,” proclaimed El-Farquaad. “Dunndodeeze”, they pleaded, but El-Farquaad would not have it. “For which amongst you wouldst continue patronage of a physician at whose hands several have died – a Deadington – wouldst thou?” And the people were all silent.

All except Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach, and her daughter Princess Asos, wife of Noodlinho. “We have had too much gaddem chill over this matter and enough has become enough. Why hath the infirmary at Bedrock neither the skill nor competence to cater to our beloved Gambrach, causing him to seek relief in Jandinia. Why, o head physician, why?”

“M-m-m-my ladies, I d-d-d-do my job with all diligence…” stammered the head physician of the Bedrock infirmary. And the ladies both replied, in the words of the great Lateefex Kayodensis, “WHAT KIND OF JOB YOU DOING??? YOU ARE NOT ONLY THE ONE THAT DEY THERE!!!!”

Behold, Yode of Ekitilopia heard these words and decided that Gambrach was not the only one that dey there either. He pondered in his heart and decided to announce to the people that he would contest the throne at the upcoming electoralis. “Wawu,” thought the people, “Electoralis Federalis is yet 2 years away.” But even the house of Apicuria in the South declared that electoralis would be open to all, that Gambrach would not necessarily return unopposed. And the people heard this in surprise and declared the words of the famous bard Veekow, “Uh oh, uh oh, isgerring crazy in here…”

Further on electoralis, there were whispers that Arty Cool would return to Padipalia to contend with Gambrach for the throne. And when Gambrach heard the whispers, he called a meeting of his inner council in his sanctum. “Where shall we strike Arty Cool?” he asked in his usual manner. “Let us hit him where it shall hurt him the most – Pentiumz” came the reply.

Pentiumz was Arty Cool’s golden goose venture. It was located at a mercantile sea port and it entailed welcoming large seafaring vessels into the kingdom from the high seas. The instruction from Gambrach was to bring an end to the arrangement. “Sire”, said Bar Kar the Head Pharisee, “there is the matter of signed agreement binding the crown to Pentiumz.”

To which Gambrach replied, “Well, thou art the expert in the matters of law…” and left the room. Wherefore wrote Bar Kar to Lady Bar Lar, Warden of the King’s Royal Ports, saying, “Whereas Pentiumz welcometh large vessels into the Kingdom at the behest of the King, and collecteth tarriff therefrom and remitteth to the treasury, and whereas it was the Royal Pharisees which drew up the contract between Pentiumz and the Royal Ports, take ye notice that we messeth up bigly and must now rescind the contract, for it runneth contrary to the golden laws of our Kingdom. Tis confusing, I know, but just take it like that. Cancel the gaddem thing” 

At the same time, Lady Kemshun, Head of the Coinery knew she had to respond to the various accusations that Mefilius and the Iron Bank of Boo Jar were merely minting more coin to keep the Kingdom afloat. Therefore she addressed the people on the matter in a speech in the village square.

“Whaa’gwan peeps? How you doing, my bredrens? Fam, we need to kill this mad ting rumours about the econominics though. Like, peoples is really bovvered and all about the loans and the lending ting. But King Gambrach’s plan for managing the econominics is mad peng, innit? Cos, like, even though the price of the petrolatums went skrraaaap, pap, pap, pap, pap, pumpum, we’s now out of the depressions and ting. We is not borrowing to cripples the next generation, you get me – we’s borrowing to build the infrastructuralls for them. Boom, selecta!”

The people knew not what to make of it. They were uneasy, but there was a semblance of chill across the kingdom. Then came word from Young Jim, head of the Great Iron Bank of Brettonwoodsiana that Gambrach had said to him many moons ago, that it was his wish for the Great Iron Bank to focus any relief it intended for the Kingdom on the north side of the 37 kingdoms.

Brethren, twas unchill like a snake swallowed a porcupine and shredded its own innards. “Aha! He hideth it no more! He sheweth it for all to see!” There was no gaddem chill.

Lady Zek Way, herself an alumna of the Great Iron Bank of Brettonwoodsiana, rushed to Twilistia to calm the Social Medianites. “Brethren, tis not what ye thinketh,” she proclaimed, “for GRIBB focuseth on North Easteros to remediate what the Haramites destroyed…”

Yea, there would have been chill. But FemCallamitus would never pass up an opportunity to show Gambrach how he was the most loving and worthy scribe. He also rushed to confront the Social Medianites and the Digital Perusites, screaming, “Ye gaddem haters! Ye gaddem wailers! May the gods punish una papas. Ye ignorant liars spawned of gaddem empty barrels. Ye knowest what thou shouldest do? You need to shovitupyouress! Haters, shovitupyouress!!!!

And just when it seemed the volcano of unchill could erupt no further, news reached the people that the royal consents Baruch purportedly received, of which he told E-Dawg to shovituphizzess, were given during the pretend reign of Pretend King Osinoshin. But Osinoshin gave no Royal consents…

The plot thickened and there was no gaddem chill in the land.

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Chronicles of Chill: Waltz of The Ipobusinian Python

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Brethren, it is an ancient edochian saying of the peoples of South Easteros that when an anaconda encountereth a talking drum, the drummer should not be surprised when the anaconda transformeth into a dancing python.

It may be recalled, as was written in the Chronicle of the Frabanian Sabbath of the Ipobusites, that Car Knoo, chief priest of the Ipobusites was held in the dungeons against the orders of the magistrates until the enclavement of King Gambrach.

Yea, did the magistrates command Car Knoo upon his release, “Ye shall refrain from Ipobusinian proclamations and public address until the end of thy charge. Go ye and STFU in thy house.”

And lo, when Car Knoo reached his house, an ocean of new acolytes awaited him, brimming with Ipobusinian fervour. “What is this?” Car Knoo asked his head disciple. “Holy One,” the disciple called him for the very first time, “thy people are gathered here for thy benediction.”

“For reals?” asked Car Knoo

“Hell, yeah” said his disciple.

And so Car Knoo raised both fists in the air and a spark akin to an electrical charge rippled through the assembly. “My people! I bless thee – in the name of the Joo Kwoo, the Frabania and the Car Knoo!”

The people cheered loudly and Car Knoo never hesperred what happened next, for a crack of lightning rent the skies, the heavens opened and a pillar of light burst forth onto Car Knoo. And behold, as the light faded, Car Knoo was transformed before the eyes of all who stood there. He no longer wore pants, but was draped in a cloth bearing the insignia of zion. His hand was no longer clenched – No! For what was once a fist had been transformed into a hand holding the sacred fan of the half sun. Yea, was his head no longer bare; he now wore the feathered red cap of edochenian wisdom. In that moment, Car Knoo heard a voice of greater authority than the magistrate that set him free.

Ngwanu, thou are now too much!” exclaimed the disciple.

“That is, ehn!” replied Car Knoo.

Twas as Car Knoo basked in the novelty of his supernatural endowment that Gambrach returned from Jandinia and suffered Pestilencio Ekutensis. And word came to Gambrach that Car Knoo was no longer in the dungeons.

“For reals?” asked Gambrach.

“Let it not trouble you, Sire” said Gar Bar. “Instead, delight yourself on the exploits of the Sporting Eagles of the Kingdom as they do battle with the fake lion cubs of Mer Roon.”

Yea, as Gambrach observed the sporting hostilities through his medium viewing prism, Moborius inner-bahyoured and captured the image of the moment. When Gar Bar viewed the image, he was overcome with Lovengious emotion and burst into scroll, “Oh what a King! He chooses to view life through a simple, narrow prism, unlike many before him. Blessed am I to be his scribe. Behold, ye peoples, ye are blessed to have him as King.”

But the people paid Gar Bar no mind. For in South Easteros, the voice of Car Knoo was growing louder and yea did more people swear fealty to him. Daily he preached to the people, “Repent, for Frabania is at hand. Yea, shall we build a new Frabania – in our hearts and then on this soil. Behold, any South Easterosi who would put himself under the authority of a non- South Easterosi is very uncustard – yea is he even a bastard!”

The Kings and Wardens of South Easteros knew not what to do. Electoralis was due in Nambia, where the viagranian King Willy had been working hard, and surely Car Knoo could be controlled to bring his people to their side, they thought.

Alas, Car Knoo grew in irreverance, antagonising the entire Kingdom as he sought to build his new Frabania. The Young Rewanian Northerosi men declared irratatum and announced that no South Easterosi was to remain in that part of the Kingdom. The Kings of Northerosi moved quickly to quell the rising disquiet, but Gambrach (former man of Gunn) had had enough. He summoned the generals of his armies.

“Dudes. Car Knoo. Ye shall resolve this crisis.”

“Sire, pardon our impudence, but has the constabulary been deployed?”

Walahi, he pisseth me off” said Gambrach.

“Sire, the law of the land is that we can only be deployed against insurrection. What shall we tell the people if we march into South Easteros?”

“Ye shall tell them that ye bring healing and deliverance unto their lands” replied Gambrach.

“Like the physicians of yore?” asked the Generals.

“Yes! In fact, ye shall name your march after the symbol of the physicians.”

“Aye, sire! We see it now. We shall call our march ‘the march of the waltzing python’.”

Behold, the army began their march and there was a rumble across the land. The people protested, for the kingdom was not at war and they feared for their lives. “Chill, yo! We come in peace. We are only a Waltzing Python, bringing healing against kidnapping and violence.”

But there was no gaddem chill. For the Haramite tribe of Boko was still a scourge in the Northerosi part of the country. And news spread of followers of Car Knoo being put to the sword.

“No, no, no!” the people cried. “Stop it! Leave us!” Owen Brett Hart, scribe to the King of Abbiah cried daily in Social Mediana, “the Kings of Easterosi will keep the peace. Why continuest thou to march, o armies of Gambrach?”

“But we come in peace, like the pythons on the physicians’ staff” the armies maintained, as Ipobusinians fell away. Behold, Car Knoo was nowhere to be seen.

The people cried for the King to answer them and return chill to the land. “Oh Gambrach, king of justice, speak to us, tell us every little thing’s gonna be alright.”

Yea, did Gambrach hear thy cry. “Gar Bar, Callamitus!” he called out to his scribes, “tell the coachmen to ready the winged chariot.”

“Are we flying into the heartland to address the people?” they asked Gambrach.

“Hell, no! We are flying to Trumpstantinople and then, all this noise of the people bringeth back my Many Years Disease affliction, as well as the mysterious and secret affliction which must not be named. We shall stop briefly in Jandinia and see the meisters before I return.”

And when the people heard again of yet another Jandinian sojourn, they lost it. And there was no gaddem chill in the land.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: The Mufassification of Lady Yeeshah

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The clouds of sexit continued to swirl over Dinobetes Mellitus. But the name of Abushola was a strong tower – the frighteous run into it and yea, they are saved. And Dinobetes loved Abushola with all his might – even more might than with which he flung Abushola into the air following his triumph at Conductivitis.

“Dinobetes, my ‘tack dawg” said Abushola unto Dinobetes, “fear not, for I shall save thee from the machinations of Yaya Bellows. Muahahahaha!

At the following sitting of the Senatii, where the senateens considered various matters afflicting the Kingdom (for the pretense of the pretend-reign of Pretend King Osinoshin had yea and thence become a long thing), they considered the petition of the Kogitarians against Dinobetes.

Deputy Warden Equerry Mah-Doo rose up to address the senateens and said unto them, “Fellow Nassholes! Lend me you ears. I come to bury Bellows, not to praise him. The evil that Bellows does will live long after him if we do not quash it straightaway. For behold, if Bellows shall bellow Mellitus away, what shall become of us? Senateens, I do move that we block this gaddem thing!”

“Thou hast spoken well, Equerry Mah-Doo”, said Abushola, “for the success of Bellows might embolden the puppet king I installed in Kwarapotamia. We shall not just block the gaddem thing. We shall kill it and lo, it shall be dead on arrival.”

And then another one of the Nassholes stood up, by the name of Nzuzu Iberibe. “Yo, fellow senateens, as long as we be the ones who taketh charge, shall we not also take charge of the whole gaddem kingdom? I move that we make Abushola the Theatrical Pretend King of the kingdom in place of Pretend King Osinoshin.”

Yea, were the senateens visibly excited by the prospect. But Abushola was a man of timing. “Chill niccurs. This ain’t the time. Though ye knowest that the throne is the ultimate desire of my heart but take ye heed that whoever rusheth to grab it may yet get his hands burnt. Or worse, cut off, in a fit of Wahala Morghulis.”

And while they chilled in senatii, there was no gaddem chill in the entire Kingdom, for the people were amazed at the gall of the nassholes.

Yet, Dinobetes was not satisfied and he instructed Michaelangelo, his mighty learned man of silk, to extract injuctio dawonduro before the magistrate. But the magistrate was not prepared to change the status quo. And lo, the Commisar of Electoralis carried on uninterrupted and in House Mellitus there was no gaddem chill.

Meanwhile, in the kingdom of Gideria, King Ambasalom was doing his best to transform the Kingdom into a megakingdom. Behold, all those of minds that were not daily renewed unto megakingdomness, yea did he smash their dwelling places and cast them into the lagoon. Gideria was going to be a megakingdom gaddemmit, and like his brother King Roe Chazz in Imolek, Ambsalom was spoiling with Giderians with utmost in infrastructural kingdomhood. But the people of Gideria were unmindful of the words of King Ree Yah of Zamfarawayland of the dangers of excessive fornication. And as they revelled, they fornicated and fornicated until their fornicatometer passed the spiritual watermark of 40 forns. And the gawds were displeased  with the Giderians and looked through their rolodex of plagues for which one to send unto them. And brethren, homygheeeeeurd, it rained and poured and there was a flood upon the land. But Ambasalom was unbothered, for as far as he was concerned, his Kingdom was one of aquatic splendor and yeah he poppeth the best casks of ale at the wedding of the the children of King Ku Mo of Ogunsinia and Bee Ree, Gambrach’s advisor for Those Who Had Seen the Light and Fled the Kingdom. And yea, it was turnt!

And while all this transpired, another senateen from the kingdom of Dunamis, sworn arch-enemy and arch-rival of King El-Farquaad, looked upon the affairs of the kingdom and overcome by the spirit of the tword, sang a lamentation unto the Kingdom, which was recorded in the Book of Faces.

“KAAAAASSSUUUUNNNNWENYAAAAAA YAMAYEEE SEEEMABBOOOO!!!!”

And the Social Medianites were like, “Say what, now?”

But the spirit was strong with the senateen, whose name was Dr Shey Who (or Dr Who for short). And he lamented again, “NANTS INGONYAMA BAGITHI BABAAAAAA!!!”

The people were still confused. But then Dr Who sang  in the common tongue thus –

From the day he arrived in the Palace and thinking he’d end corruption, there was more to see than he ever did see, more to do than our Gambrach has done…

And now the jackals and hyenas and their wives – the hyenanas – are praying in doubt, when before they would shout, now scheming how to take the throne…

It’s the circle of weak!!! Which our Lion King will return to destroy and he’ll bring us joy. Yes he’ll take his place in the path unwinding…”

And Lady Yeeshah, wife of Gambrach the Vanished, saw the song in the Book of Face and herself began to prophesy. “Dry bones do live again, the prayers of the dog and baboon have been answered. The Lion King returneth and no longer shall he be called Gambrach the Vanished. He shall come back with the gift of the roar, descending with his Lion Guard, and his new name shall be Kion-Gambrach. And he shall put to shame Doc McStuffins, Sophia the First and all the sissy girls on Disney Junior. Behold, he shall chase the jackals and hyenas out of the Pride Lands. And the glory of Mufassa shall be risen upon him. Selah. ANYAMANISI NABABAII.

Brethren, ye knoweth the ending of the chronicle. Yes, indeed, the people looked around themselves in utter amazement and complete loss of chill. Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: Abusholan Victory & End of Wahala Morghulis

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Lo brethren, a black spot of Wahala Morghulis had been delivered to Abushola and yea was a voice raised against him in Conductivitis and behold the Warden of senatii was charged with crimes of declarations in anticipation of milk and honey.

Yea, did the travails of Abushola linger and behold he tried his utmost to have the charges quashed. Daily he appealed the continuation of proceedings, alleging “whenst Shiwajun came before thee, didst thou not grant him the benefit of explicatio nigbatimensis? Why wouldest thou not extend me the same courtesy? Am I not also of ruling stock?”

Wherefore Shiwajun cackled and the furnace of the Wahala Morghulis was stoked.

And again, Abushola would petition all the courts in the land, repeatedly beseeching the magistrates for a way out of the Wahala. And again, they would send him back to Conductivitis. “Thou shalt answer for thine anticipation of milk and honey.” And Abushola did not relent. Yea was he relentless in seeking to avert justice, for nearly 24 moons.

Finally the day of judgement was at hand. The quills of the Kalahari Newsbearers told of clandestine meetings and facilitations between the men of Abushola and the heads of Conductivitis. Behold, Abushola was pronounced relieved of his duty to defend himself, as the prosecutors, ably supported with testimony from the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, were held not to have established a gaddem thing.

Behold, there was no chill in the land, as across the land, the death knell was sounded again for the battle of Gambrach against graft. But the heart of Dinobetes Mellitus was full and joyous, for he was a great stan for Abushola. And yea, did he pick Abushola up and throw him into the air – for it was said that he was well-practiced in human projectility.

And Abushola’s head squire, Banksamakemdance came into the streets with news of the attempted perversion by Worh Ray of the Kalahari Newsbearers. Yea, did he allege that Worh Ray had sent emissaries to demand one million trumpetistani shekels to recolour the news they bore of Abushola.

“And how didst thou respond?” the people asked Banksamekemdance.

“I kicked his emissary into the well, screaming, ‘Thisch! Isch! Twillistia!!!’”

Behold, all the Twillistians and Social Medianites shouted in acclaim of Banksamakemdance, “Awhoo! Awhoo!! Awhoo!!!”

It was in this time, or thereabouts, that Gar Bar, scribe of Gambrach, long since in a purdah of silence, emerged to declare a message from the King. Or from the office of the King. Or from the bed of the King clothed in his brown robes of convalescence and his white cap of mystical holiness in Jandinia. Or from somewhere purporting to be associated with the King. For the people had not heard directly from the King in over 6 moons.

“Behold the proclamation of King Gambrach, most divine majesty, conqueror of all afflictions including the Many Years disease, that the unsigned coinage of the Kingdom is most unbeneficial to the affairs of the Kingdom. Yea is the Kingdom halfway through its pecuniary year and behold have we been side-tracked in our most holy crusade against unclean graft. And now, the King giveth his permission to Osinoshin, who remains only the Pretend King, to endorse the coinage.”

Then, Pretend King Osinoshin signed the coinage of the kingdom. And it was a great day of pomp and ceremony. And the golden quill of coinage signing of Bedrock was retrieved from its holy ensconcement.  And the naysayers proclaimed, “Aha! All ye who seek Gambrach on the pretext that the Pretend King doth not pretend sufficiently. Behold his glorious signage of the coinage. Leave ye our Gambrach to convalesce in peace!”

But the people asked again, “Where is King Gambrach?”

And a famous man known as Thankful Peacock of Charr Knells also asked the question of Lar Yi. “O, Lar Yi, Councillor for the Propaganda, where stayeth our king?”

“His wife returneth anon from Jandinia, and she proclaimeth him in good recovery. And verily I say unto ye that I believe her.”

Thankful Peacock pressed further. “But doth thou know his condition? Is it the Many Years Affliction? The people deserve to know!”

“I know now except what his wife sayeth. And also that Osinoshin maketh contact with him daily.”

“Oh wow. Daily?”

“Yes! The Pretend King and the Vanished King converse daily!”

“Oh, tremendous. If the Vanished speaketh to the Pretence, perhaps he might yet speak to his people.”

“Let us watch and pray.”

And yea, as they watched, news came from the mini-olympiad in Oz-Low, not very far off from Jandinia, that a lady athlete from the Kingdom was contesting in the Jumpathon. Behold, she was a big blessing unto the Kingdom for many years and her name was Kah Ray. And Kah Ray ran for the jumpathon with tremendous speed, some say propelled by a special breath from Gambrach in nearby Jandinia. And yea, Gambrach breathed too hard, for the breath propelled her forward, but not the wig with which she covered her head. Gheeeurd, did the wig fall backwards as she landed. And man, there was no gaddem chill across the many kingdoms of the world.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: The Frabanian Sabbath of the Ipobusites

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There continued to be a mild discontentment in the land as the people heard not from their king. During his previous visits to the Janidinian meisters, there would be a flurry of visits from his courtiers and councillors, Shiwajun and Yeesha, and so on, all of whom would return with images of King Gambrach in his armor of Jandinia – his brown robe of convalescence and white cap of mystical holiness.

Yea, the Lovenger Scribes were silent. FemCallamitus had already written many Magnificats and Gar Bar had retreated into Pur Dah. Lay Si asked the sons of men who the Haramites would have stood for in electoralis, to the consternation of the people, but there was word from Lar Yi.

“The King remaineth in full control of the Kingdom. He speaketh to his council daily, even unto me. We come to the garden while the dew is still on the roses and voice we hear falling on our ear our lovely king disposes – and he walks with us and he talks with us and he tells us we are his own” he said.

“Then why speaketh he not with us?” the people asked Lar Yi.

“Well, maybe ye are not his own.” replied Lar Yi, full of sycophantic fervour.

And in that day came a man named Car Knoo. Car Knoo had returned from exile in Jandinia to raise a new tribe called the Ipobusites. And yea, was he a prophet, priest and leader unto his followers. Behold, he called for the land in the East of the South to be removed from the Kingdom, as it was sought to be in the day of Joo Kwoo.

For this, the Deliverance Squad Squadron delivered him into the dark dungeons of Kee Ree for 12 months, with only a semblance of a trial. Thrice did the magistrate order that he be released on bail and thrice did all the forces of the kingdom unlook. And yea, finally, in the vanishment of Gambrach from the kingdom, Car Knoo was released. And the Ipobusites rejoiced at the release of their prophet and high priest.

The other inhabitants of the kingdoms in the East of the South looked on in amazement at the growing tribe of the Ipobusites. Behold, the Ipobusinian priest called for all in the lands to observe a Frabanian Sabbath and not put hand to the plough, or seed in the soil, or seed in the hoo-ha. Yea, did all comply, Ipobusite and non-Ipobusite alike.

This thoroughly vexed the young Rewan men in the North, for Gambrach, their own High Priest and Saviour King was gone and it looked as if the kingdom would fall into the hands of Oshinoshin. And so they declared persona non grata all personas born in the East of the South of the Kingdom. It bore an uncanny resemblance to the season of Joo Kwoo and the Great Frabanian War.

And there was no gaddem chill in the land.

Lo, the people cried against the Rewanian Proclamation. “Oh, if only King Gambrach were here to unleash the dog and the baboon on these Rewanian Youths! Where is our King?”

And as sure as the sun riseth, the Lovengers lined up to defend the throne. “Why cry ye for Gambrach, when he handeth over the kingdom to Pretend-King Osinoshin?”

“But Osinoshin pretendeth too much and taketh the pretence too seriously. He pretendeth so much that he signeth not the coinage nor sweareth in the emissaries to foreign lands, nor the new councillors. Yea, tis as if this is an episode of whose line is it anyway? Is Gambrach still in Jandinia?”

Behold, at that very moment in Jandinia, Mei-Mei, the Queen’s first minister, leader of the Conservatories, full of the spirit of hubris, declared electoralis upon the kingdom. So sure was she of victory, that she freely mocked Kor Bin, leader of the Laboratti. And yea, was there a gaddem ripple throughout the cosmos, as Kor Bin and the Laboratti made gains and reduced Mei-Mei’s seats of strength and stability.

And the Lovengers of the Gambrachian provinces lamented with the Conservatories, saying, “if only Gambrach had appeared to Mei-Mei in his brown robe of convalescence and white cap of mystical holiness, yea would he have bestowed upon her his Katsinian and Kanonic voter magic to ensure her victory”. Alas, he was nowhere to be seen. And the people cried out yet again, “Where is our King? Is he even in Jandinia?”

And the Prophet Car Knoo spoke to the people saying, “it mattereth not whether thy king liveth in Jandinia or here or not. For my kingdom is at hand. And it shall be a great and awesome kingdom, never before seen. It shall bring a sabbath of awesomeness unto the land. Tremendous, like the Trumpet. Frabania lives – in Joo Kwoo, in me and in you! Behold, I have said it.”

And by gheeuurd, there was no chill in the Kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: Seasons of Empowerment

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A cloud gathered over the land as Gambrach departed from the Kingdom and lo, it was a cloud of whisperings. There were whisperings of a conditional abdication and severe resistance thereto from the high chiefs in the North. There where whisperings of a mutiny from the garrison. So loud where the rumours of the mutiny that the Lord General Rah Tye of the Dubailese Skyscraper Battalion had to stage a ceremony of fealty to the throne of Gambrach.

“We declare this day that our swords are for the Throne!”

“Uhm…those were the whisperings of which we were fearful” the people responded. “Ah, I see what you mean”, said the General. “What we mean is that we stand behind the Throne, ready at a word to strike!”

“Dude! Thou doth not make it better, bruh” the people replied again.

“Oh, come on! All right, no more euphemisms! We pledge allegiance to the Throne and shall leave matters of statehood to the Kings and counsellors in the land. Happy, now?”

Yea, did the people heave a sigh of relief. But it was only momentary, for the emissary of the Queen of Jandinia came to the people with a message.

“Behold! I come from Jandinia with a message for thee!” the emissary proclaimed.

“You bring news from our King?” the people asked him.

“No, I bring word from her majesty the Queen.”

“Oh, thou bringest a message from Lady Yeeshah?”

“No, my Queen. The Queen of Jandinia. The word from her throne is…”

“…but who you epp?” the people interrupted. “We want to hear from King Gambrach.” But eventually they let him speak, and he also had a warning for the garrison lest they mutiny.

Even Shiwajun spoke against these whisperings. “Behold, and I kid thee not. It shall be a heck of a Wahala Morghulis upon any mutineers. They may have all the swords and horses and arrows and shields and spears, and we may have nought but the hearts in our chests, yet shall our chests outnumber their swords and yea shall a holy Wahala Morghulis be unleashed on any soldier that seekest unfortunatecy.”

And the people were like, “Waaaaawu! Whose chests wouldst thou defend the kingdom with? Thine, surely?” And the thoughts of their chests being pierced with the armoury of mutiny filled them with sadness. Behold, news of their sadness came to the lesser kings. And they purposed in their hearts to do something to lift the sadness.

And yea, it was King Autumn of the kingdom of Ben Way who first came to the rescue of his people. My people need power, he thought. Power to be better. Power to do better. Power to resist the incursions of the land-grabbing herdists. Iskaba! Ben Way will be a flower to shower the people with an hour of empower! No longer shall they cower. Yea, they shall be like Jack Bauer in this hour that I empower. Iskelebete! I say they shall tower and their mood shall no longer be sour! Iskoloboto!!!

And in a frenetic fulmination of phantasmagoric and philanthropic forthcomingness, King Autumn ordered that each young man in the kingdom be given a wheelbarrow to ferry people around, as alternatives to the hackney chariots. For, he reasoned, if they ferry their fellow citizens about long enough, they shall grow in my biceptual  and triceptual stature. And yea, will they be empowered. Behold, I have fulfilled the prophecy of the great prophet, Dijanimus Khalidius – “major key”.

It was a farce. But the Lovengers, starved of anything Gambrachian to love, quickly bequeathed their blessings on Autumn. “Behold a great empowerment!” they declared. “Tis the greatest empowerment we have seen in a long gaddem time. When Gambrach returneth, ye shall see even more powerful empowerment, swearraghad!”

And behold, the people remembered Gambrach again. For lo, there was no news of him. Rather, there was more news from the high chiefs in the North. “Let it be known throughout the land that Gambrach will, shall, must compulsorily and irreversibly serve for two quadrannia on the throne. For it is written, ‘What do ye imagine against the King? He will make an utter end: affliction shall not rise up the second time.'”

“Yes!” said FemCallamitus. “I know not why the enemies of the Kingdom rage. Why do they seek the end of Gambrach’s reign? Have they ever seen a reign so beautiful and sweet? I don’t know much but I know I love him and that may be all I need to know. The King liveth. Even though he speaketh not to his people, nor attendeth to the affairs of the kingdom and spake not even unto me for several moons until the Day of Kingsleycost, yea, I know he liveth. How? Because it is truly amazing how he knocks me off my feet, every time he comes around me I get weak, no King has ever made me feel this way. Selah.”

“And let it be known” the high chiefs in the north continued, “that we are prepared for schism to rent the kingdom asunder should no heed be paid to our word. For reals, yo!”

And the clouds over the land continue to grow in size and darkness, and yea was there a rumbling in the firmaments above and a striking of lightning (for thunder striketh not, regardless of the opinions of the bumbum bard, Tee Maya). And behold, the cloud unleashed all the gaddem unchill inside it, as news reached the Twilistines that Shiwajun and Moozes, who had contested sorely against him, were reconciled. Worse, was news that Moozes was about to leave the house of Padipalia and join Shiwajun in Apicuria. The news was unleashed like a Gambrachian banter and there was no gaddem chill in all the land!

 

The Chronicles of Chill: Inner Bah Yor & the Handling Hand of the King

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In the second year of the first quadranium of King Gambrach, there was unrest in the land for the King had not been seen at successive meetings of his council. The people clamoured to behold their king and hear his soothing voice as he spoke to them yet again about his holy quest to rid the land of evil.

Unbeknownst to them, the King had embarked upon a very awesomely secret and mysterious mission, one whose secrecy was only exceeded in awesomeness by its mystery, and only a select few of his council knew whither he went. Lo, the mission was not even revealed to the chronicler and far be it from the Chronicler to accuse the revealing spirit of the Tword of unknowing.

“Where art thou, O Gambrach”, the people cried. “Speak to us, for the camp of your enemies whispereth that thou art ill.”

“Ye fear too much” said Lar Yi, the King’s councillor for propaganda. “For though the king be a septuagenarian, behold he is the septiest septuagenarian that ever was. Fear not, for he only worketh from home.”

And the people were confused. For Bedrock was the King’s home and the place from where he had always worked.

“Hath he moved to a different castle or palace?” the people asked. “Hath he another official residence? Thy explanation maketh no sense to us. Give us our king!”

Lar Yi cast an anxious glance at FemCallamitus. FemCallamitus looked nervously over his shoulder to see if Gar Bar was in their midst and knew what to say. But Gar Bar was nowhere to be found. It seemeth that he had accompanied the King on the mission most mysterious and secret.

“Look”, began FemCallamitus, “the King only followeth the orders of the meisters and yea, is he chillaxing, that his spirit and body may be renewed unto thy service.”

“But thou informest us previously that his fitness was fiddlistic. Didst thou declare unto us a falsehood?”

“No, twas true!” Lar Yi had come to FemCallamitus’s rescue. “The King taketh things easy, that he might convalesce.”

And the people looked at each other in befuddlement. “Thou confusest us big time, dude.” they said to Lar Yi. “Doth he work from his chambers or another palace or doth he convalesce?”

“Oh, look at that purple moonlight” exclaimed Lar Yi suddenly, pointing to the sky. And the people followed his gaze to see the purple moon. But behold, the moon was white and when they turned back to ask what he meant, both Lar Yi and FemCallamitus were gone. Twas a gbelonic-gbebonic scam.

Whilst the people stood perplexed in their confusion, the scribes of the Parafin lamps came into their midst with scrolls for all to read. When the seals on the scrolls were broken, they were seen to be the chronicles of electoralis federalis through which Gambrach ascendeth to the throne after the quadranium of Gejoshaphat. And the people turned to the Chronicler and asked, “are these thy chronicles?” But lo, they were the chronicles of Gun Yi, who had served the late King Yaraz as Head Scribe.

And Gejoshaphath emerged from the shadows to denounce all that was chronicled of him and his beloved PeiPei in the scroll of Gun Yi. And yea, was there unchill as sleeping memories of electoralis were revived in all their bitter glory. But the King still spake not to the people.

Finally, on the day of Templing, King Gambrach returned from his secret mission and walked into the temple. Behold, the Lovengers were thrown into a revelling of ecstasy proclaiming, “Behold the king! See how he walketh briskly!” And so, was that day proclaimed the Day of Bobriskly.

And yet the King spake not to the people, muttering only the words “Inner Bah Yor”. “Hearest thou, thy king? He speaketh! Oh, he speaketh!” cried the Lovengers.

“What is ‘Inner Bah Yor’?” the people asked. “Is it a mystery of esoteric profundity? And by the way, where is the Moborius, favoured engraver and painter of the King? Twould have been great for him to record this moment for posterity!” But no one knew what Gambrach meant by inner Bay Yor, and no one knew the whereabouts of Moborius, though twas said that he was seen in faraway land, partaking in the new equestrian combat sport of freelancing, not to be mistaken with what the knights of the realm did.

And then word came to the people from senatii that a royal scroll had been delivered to Abushola and Gah-Ra, warden and prefect. “Tis a letter from the King”, Abushola declared. “I shall read it. It says, ‘Shooperoo and Warridoo, how’s it hanging, hombres? Just a line to bring to your attention that the Jandinian meisters have summoned me again and lo, I must depart. I know not the hour or day of my return, so do not ask me.  I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. Dooo doo dooo dooo dooo…when I see thee again. In the meantime, Osinoshin, my loyal Hand, whom thou knowest, shall handle the kingdom until I return. I know that ye wouldest find this pun funny, so ha ha ha. Peace out.”

Yea, did the breeze of unchill begin to percolate in the land. For it echoed the days of Yaraz and his journeys to the meisters in Sah Oud.

Then one of the senateens asked Abushola, “Oh Warden of the senatii and most excellent reader of the royal scroll! Pray, did the King say Oshinoshin would be Pretend King again or just a handler? If he saith only that the Hand would handle, not that he wouldst be Pretend King, we have a crisis most severe.”

Crisis, crisis, crisis!!! The cry went out of their chamber. And the unchill began to swirl. And yea, it took all the deftness that Abushola could muster to quell it. “The law of the land is clear! For as long as the king liveth yet visiteth the meisters, his Hand is Pretend King!”

“But his scroll…”

“Ignore the scroll, punks!”

And there was an easy unchill. Until news reached the people of yet another feast of savoury celebritine, as the daughter of Ban Gi Dah was wed to her betrothed. Yea, did all the private flying chariots in the land assemble at the castle of Ban Gi Dah. And lo, seated and feasting as brothers were Shiwajun, Gejoshaphat, Abushola, Shegolas and Ban Gi Dah – kings and lords for whom the Twilistines and Social Medianites and Digital Perusites had warred against themselves in electoralis. Smiling one to another at the same gaddem table!

The realisation hit the people that Apicuria and Padipalia were mere constructs in the mind of the hoi polloi. The hoi aristoi were one. And there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom!

The Chronicles of Chill: Missingstopheles & The Lost Scrolls of the Kingdom

 

Lost Scrolls

From the days of Ser Lee Sou, the warden of the junior senateens, the Scrolls of the Kingdom suffereth violence and the Lords of the Realm yinmued it by force. Selah.

– Chronicles of Chill, Chapter 41, verse 9.

Verily, I say unto thee brethren, that the demon Missingstopheles (of which ye have heard in a previous chapter), the mischievous sprite of peculiar vanishments, was particularly fond of the Lords of the Realm. Ser Lee Sou was a young man, full of grace and fair of face but his wardenship was short-lived because Missingstopheles had vanished all record of Ser Lee Sou’s attendance at the Citadel of Roan Toe and his Scroll Bacalauratum was never to be seen again..

Yea, while the demon was at the Citadel of Roan Toe, it also beheld the Scroll Bacalauratum of Shiwajun and for a while, it toyed with its existence. First it was there and then it was not, and there was no gaddem chill until it sort of came back. For who dare question the scroll of Shiwajun?

Behold, Missingstopheles, full of testicular fortitude, descended on the scroll of Gambrach vanishing all his scrolls, even the scroll de minimis, causing much embarrassed explanation by the King. For he was a senior man of Gunn and had once been king, so how dare anyone suggest the scroll was not there? But it was Missingstopheles, you see. He made sure the scrolls were missing.

The tsunami of the missingness of scrolls swept even into the house of Gejoshaphat, vanishing the magnum opus written in pursuance of his Scroll de Doctora. Behold, the haters searched high and low for the magnum opus but Missingstopheles had vanished it too. Or it had been kept in the kingdom’s archives as a testament to the cerebro-cranial power of King Gejoshaphat. But that which the people believeth is the former. Selah.

Lo, Missingstopheles wreaked reputational havoc wherever he went. Lo, he even vanished the replica of King Snoop Neffy Neff of Deltonia, before he was carried away to Jandinia in captivity. Yea, he had even vanished Wen Rem, the twin brother of Wen Rems, who was also briefly Warden of the Senate before Chewba-Ka. But, aswerraghad, the demon neverhessperredit when he dared to vanish the scrolls of Dinobetes Melitus.

Dinobetes was a man of extreme learning, with 8 scrolls from reputed citadels, some from beyond the shores of the kingdom. His learning was so profound, that when, filled with rage, he threatened to go into Mimi the wife of Shiwajun and imbue her with offspring, all who heard him misunderstood him – for she arriveth menopause by that time.

And so it was that Missingtopheles went after the 3 most prized scrolls of Dinobetes, from the citadels at Ravadium, Jandinia and Zah-Reeyah. And yea, after the scrolls were vanished, he that vanished them blew news of their state of non-existence to the Journos of the Kalahari. The Kalahari Journos went to town proclaiming, “Dinobetes lyeth about his scrolls!”

Behold, at first, Dinobetes sought to laugh it off, for he was a deep and profound man, not given to frivolities, but the Kalaharins resurrected the Dead Red Pen of Ayedeeveedov and began to make markings, and draw signs and cause wonder. Yea, did the senateens summon the Master of the Rolls at the citadel of Zah-Reeyah to make known if it was truth or alternative truth that Dinobetes was enscrolled.

“Answer us this, Master of the Rolls, dost thou have Dinobetes of House Melitus in thy roll of the esncrolled?”

“Verily, I say unto thee” said the Master, “indeed we do, though he changeth his name. For then he was dubbed by the much uncooler appellation, Knee-Ell. Behold, his transswagerration into Dinobetes!”

“That settleth the matter!” said the satisfied senateens.

“Nay!” cried the the Kalahari Journos. “Behold our red circles and lines made by the lost Dead Red Pen of Ayedeeveedov! Ye knowest when the red line blings, it can only mean one thing! And regardez! Dinobetes performeth the Nsync dance before he taketh the scroll at Zah-Reeyah! Tis an impossibilitum!”

But Dinobetes had been vindicated by his peers. And he rejoiced. Yeah did he strip himself of his finery and came to the square of Twilistia in his loin cloth, his body covered in white war paint, and he sang and chanted a song of victory. “Behold, I am Dinobetes Melitus the great! I am the arrow of truth! I am he that darest to stand in defiance on the streets of Shiwajun! Let this be a lesson, that when a weakling decides to ensnare a warrior, he setteth himself up for the beating of his life. Selah, niccurs!”

And behold, there was laughter and mirth in the land, and the people forgot about the unchill for a little while.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: The Day of Kingsleycost

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Image with kind permission of @asukwoweb

The scribes of Gambrach were troubled by the absence of their King. For though they spake to the host that encamped around their liege, they heard not directly from the King himself. And when the people asked them, “what news have ye of our king?” the scribes would answer, “Pray ye for his quick recovery.” And the people would ask, “Recovery from what ailment? Tell us plainly, that we may know which of the gods to propitiate.” To which the scribes would respond, “Know ye not that thy king is an old man?” And the people, confused, would ask back, “Ye wouldst have us pray for his recovery from old age?” And the scribes would be irritated and would say in anger, “Depart and be gone! Ye lovers of hateration!”

Thus it was, one day in their weekly scribely gatherings, the men of the spinning quills looked at each other, unsure what they should write. They had tried to be strong in their tarrying for their King but their faith was being tested.

The people were singing the praise of Osinoshin, the pretend King. For unlike Gambrach he was yet within the realm of youth and he spake that which the people desired that Gambrach wouldst speak. And he went to places that the people desired Gambrach to go. And some of the people exclaimed, “Behold, a real king on the throne! See how he surpasseth Gambrach in everything!”

And this didst piss off the league of the spinning quills, for how dare the people think such a thing. Lo, didst they respond with a flurry of angered parchment, “Citizens of the kingdom, do not be unfortunate. Know ye not that Osinoshin is only that which Gambrach maketh and letteth him be? Take ye heed, that if ye see Osinoshin, ye see Gambrach. If he speaketh, tis the voice of Gambrach which ye hearest! Behold, if he polluteth the air by fart, know ye now for shizzle, tis the innards of Gambrach which thou smellest! For Gambrach is supremely supreme, suckers!”

But they were troubled, for real. There whispers of abdication, even as noise came from the northsteros that if Gambrach could not serve for 1 quadrannium and then another, they were entitled to put forward a young and healthy king in his stead. And the quills wondered what would become of them if this happened.

“Brothers, come what may,” said FemCallamitus, “I will write of the mercies of Gambrach forever, I will write of the mercies of the King. With my quill, will I make known his awesomeness to all generations!”

And one of the younger scribes, Bah Shally, was moved in his chest and also made a declaration. “My quill shall bless Gambrach at all times. His praise shall continuously flow from my ink. O magnify the king with me and let us exalt his name together!”

Yea, did Lar Yi, also proclaim with them, “It is a great thing to serve Gambrach! It is a great thing to serve Gambrach; walking in the light of the king. Oh, walk, walk, walk, walk, walking in the light! Since I was young, now I am old, I have never seen our king changeth!”

And as they were all there in their moment of profuse and obligatory adulation, behold there was rumbling of the ground, a closing and shutting of doors and windows and a kanayonic sound effect of nollywoodinian supernaturalism, and the room was at once filled with smoke. And then all who were in heard a deep voice say, “if you love Gambrach, let me hear you say yeah-yeah!” And the quills answered, “YEAH, YEAH!!!”

Behold, the smoke at once cleared, and revealed Gambrachoid flames dancing on the head of the adulating men of quill. And they were lost in an orgasmic frenzy of ecclesiastical griotism. Luckily for us all brethren, right at that very second, the painter Soo Quo was passing by and quickly recorded the scene for posterity. To him we owe the illiustration of this chapter.

And as the flames petered out and the tears fried from their faces, the scribes emerged from the room to testify to the people, speaking a new tongue. Twas revealed that the name of this new tongue was Frivolee.

First to speak was FemCallamitus. “Brethren! People of the kingdom! The spirit of Gambrach descended upon me and lo did he speak to me. Usually, he would call me Callamitus but today he called me by my hibernian nickname O’Scorpion! My king called me Fem O’Scorpion and told me to greet my household. Now I know that my redeemer liveth! And I am blessed from my soul into my loins!”

And Lar Yi and Bah Shally also testified. “Oh what a glorious day! We have heard the voice of our king and dwelt in his presence! Repent, ye haters. Ye mischief-makers! For he returneth soon! And when the king comes, will he find you as diligent and faithful as we the scribes of the spinning quill? Will ye partake of his glorious and tremendous kingdom?”

And then all eyes turned to Lay Si, to hear his testimony. But he testifieth not. Perhaps because he knew the ancient words handed down to the ancient prophet, Kirkus Lazarussia, which sayeth, “Ye shall never go fullus retardus!”  So they turned to Gar Bar. But Gar Bar was full of regret, for he had missed the visitation of Gambrach, having dashed out for a few seconds to make sure that Osinoshin was not being unduly acclaimed. “Dammit!” he muttered under his breath.

Brethren, there was chill in the land that day. Lo, the people were amused, full of mirth and very chilled. That day of visitation came to be known as the Blessed Day of Kingsleycost.

Selah, homies.

 

 

 

The Chronicles of Chill: The Balavidan Epistle & the Siege of SurroundedBySenegalistan

Letter

The Trumpet finally blew from the Hill and a new world order of tremendousness began in the Kingdom of Trumpstantinople, which was witnessed in Judea, Samaria and yea, unto all the ends of the earth. And they many were the host that encamped around the ascension of the blowing of the Trumpet but yea were they not nearly as many as witnessed the two coronations of the two quadrannia of King Baraccus. Or so it was thought, for King The Trumpet was sorely vexed at insinuations of anything less than his coronation being the fairest, most tremendously viewed of them all. And yea, did he send his head scribe, FrankSpencer, to announce to the people that lo, it had been the best coronation since coronations began, period.

In the land of Gambrach, there was a signal from across the lands to the west that King Jamming of SurroundedBySenegalistan, after reigning for one score and two years and losing to Flavour’s TomatoJos, was refusing to vacate the throne. This was a big worry for the regional kings, and they quickly gathered in the palace of Gambrach to deliberate on what to do. They were all there – Queen Sirloin Steak of Ro Via, King Plagiariser of Chalehstan and King Big Mack Daddy of Wollofia. Yea, did they enter into conclave and emerged, resolved not to let SurroundedBySenegalistan descend into anarchy. And behold, they began to move their military formations towards King Jamming.

They also rode to the Castle of King Jamming and pleaded with him to heed the word of the people. But Jamming was adamant. “My voice is the voice of the people!” he proclaimed. And when the kings and queen left, they sent a further emissary with a message that their armies were approaching and would force him out if he did not yield. In response, he raised his foot, kicked the emissary into a deep well and yelled, “THISH ISH SHPART..oh, I mean… THISH ISH SHURROUNDEDBYSENEGALISTAN!!!”

With all his unmitigated bravado, it was a grand surprise that his troops offered no resistance as the coalition armies entered their land. They had seen the movie 300 and knew that no glory awaited them because in the regions below the great desert of Sah Har, no death for country is a good death, or indeed a useful one. And King Jamming departed and TomatoJos ascended the throne. Porokoto pon pon pon.

The exertion of all the horseback diplomacy and the surrounding tension proved too much for Gambrach. And so he proceeded on recess, writing to the Abushola and the senatii, that he would be away for 10 days. Some people who think they know everything quickly brought out their abacuses (or is it abaci?) and calculated that Gambrach was going away for more than 10 days, but they knew nothing. Gambrach also added that he would use the opportunity of his recess to see his meisters in Jandinia again, but did not elaborate.

The rumblings of unchill quickly began in the land, with intense speculation about the abrupt recess of Gambrach in a time of recession and wailing, and weather or not the Many Years with which he was afflicted had grown worse.

It was also in this time that the day of the prophecy of the return of the spirit of MoolahMagicMarvel was supposed to return to the land. But behold, the spirit had heard the cries of its adherents from far away in Putinia and returned to the people 2 days ahead of the day prophesied. And the worshippers ntoined to the unbelievers, telling them ‘we told thee! If only ye would have had faith. If only ye had believed, ye too would partake of these reloaded blessings the spirit is about to unload.”

And the spirit spake to its worshippers. “Guess who’s back in the moolah magic house, with some cash chips for ya moolah marvel mouths?” And the worshippers went into a frenzy. ” ‘Tis thee, oh great MoolahMagicMarvel, great benevolent ponzinian spirit. Tis thee!”

“That’s right! It is me! And I bring glad tidings of great joy. They who waited upon me shall renew their vim. But not immediately, however, as the number of waiters is really tremendous. So, in my beneficence and ultimate moolah wisdom, I shall reopen the doors to my temple in slow-motion. Ye may look at it and it may seem that nothing happeneth, but this is the marvel of slow motion. For ye shall only see it, if ye believe, when it is done!”

The worshippers were ecstatic. And they watched. And although nothing seemed to be happening, this was what the great spirit had said would happen. And they watched some more. And tis said, that many remain watching till this day, unbeknownst to them that the high priest of the MoolahMagicMarvel had fled with his family ‘to abroad’. For those that stayed woke, it was evident that the spirit had eaten up their offerings and that there would be no more blessings. For lo, the spirit had gone silent. And there was a little more rumbling of unchill.

Behold, news then reached the people that Gambrach had sent an epistle to the senatii in response to the report of senatii on the intervention council led by Balavida, and its encounter with the deadly grass corruptio korikonensis and kwarapta intrusivo. And Abushola read Gambrach’s letter to the men and women of senatii.

Dear Senateens,

Peace and greetings from London. Now knoweth I, verily, that Yellowman lyeth not in his riddim from the 1980s, because right now, “London Kwold, repeat again, repeat again, London Kwold. Nigeria nice, repeat again, repeat again, Nigeria nice.” But enough of the doxology.

I am not unaware that some of ye were of the assumption, when Abushola thy Warden stood up to read this scroll, that I was about to request that Lord Nono Gengen be confirmed by ye as Primus Magistratus in the land. Well, unfortunately for those who thought so, that is not the purpose of this letter. Nono Gengen go dey alright.

This letter is in response to your allegations about the squire to my council, Balavida. Thou wishest, nay, desirest, that I dismiss him from the council on the charge that he may have used too much of the funds for intervention in north easteros to cut weeds that obscured his path.

First of all, have ye not read the story of Sleeping Beauty? When a spell was cast around the castle to keep Prince Philip from reaching the tower and an invasive and resilient plant formation grew around the castle, which specie of weed do you think he had to cut through to complete his rescue mission? Excatly. Kwarapta Intrusivo. And he needed a magic sword! I did not even give Balavida a magic sword! This is my first technicality.

Secondly, ye know that I am a renowned rearer of cattle. In fact, my two main hobbies in life are hating corruption and breeding cows. And I am renowned for both. When you breed cows, sometimes you have a favourite. People sometimes call your favourite cows ‘sacred cows’ but this is an alternative fact. Balavida  is akin to such a favourite for me, and special cows eat special grass. If a favourite cow wants to eat 2 strains of special grass, what is the problem? This is my second technicality.

Thirdly, ye know that I abhor corruption. I detest it so much, that I can smell it from kilometres away. Behold, the stench is more putrid than bullshit. And ye know that I know bullshit because I breed bulls. Now, if being such a great smeller of corruption from afar, I smelled it not on Balavida from anear, how can I believe your feeble petition, signed by so few senateens? This is my third technicality.

Here ye then what I say. Technicality wise, Balavida stays, for now.

And the spirit of wawu descended into the midst of the people. They could not believe that these were the words of Gambrach. And once again, all over the land, except in SurroundedBySenegalistan, there was no gaddem chill to be found.