The Chronicles of Chill: Abusholan Victory & End of Wahala Morghulis

Justice

Lo brethren, a black spot of Wahala Morghulis had been delivered to Abushola and yea was a voice raised against him in Conductivitis and behold the Warden of senatii was charged with crimes of declarations in anticipation of milk and honey.

Yea, did the travails of Abushola linger and behold he tried his utmost to have the charges quashed. Daily he appealed the continuation of proceedings, alleging “whenst Shiwajun came before thee, didst thou not grant him the benefit of explicatio nigbatimensis? Why wouldest thou not extend me the same courtesy? Am I not also of ruling stock?”

Wherefore Shiwajun cackled and the furnace of the Wahala Morghulis was stoked.

And again, Abushola would petition all the courts in the land, repeatedly beseeching the magistrates for a way out of the Wahala. And again, they would send him back to Conductivitis. “Thou shalt answer for thine anticipation of milk and honey.” And Abushola did not relent. Yea was he relentless in seeking to avert justice, for nearly 24 moons.

Finally the day of judgement was at hand. The quills of the Kalahari Newsbearers told of clandestine meetings and facilitations between the men of Abushola and the heads of Conductivitis. Behold, Abushola was pronounced relieved of his duty to defend himself, as the prosecutors, ably supported with testimony from the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission, were held not to have established a gaddem thing.

Behold, there was no chill in the land, as across the land, the death knell was sounded again for the battle of Gambrach against graft. But the heart of Dinobetes Mellitus was full and joyous, for he was a great stan for Abushola. And yea, did he pick Abushola up and throw him into the air – for it was said that he was well-practiced in human projectility.

And Abushola’s head squire, Banksamakemdance came into the streets with news of the attempted perversion by Worh Ray of the Kalahari Newsbearers. Yea, did he allege that Worh Ray had sent emissaries to demand one million trumpetistani shekels to recolour the news they bore of Abushola.

“And how didst thou respond?” the people asked Banksamekemdance.

“I kicked his emissary into the well, screaming, ‘Thisch! Isch! Twillistia!!!’”

Behold, all the Twillistians and Social Medianites shouted in acclaim of Banksamakemdance, “Awhoo! Awhoo!! Awhoo!!!”

It was in this time, or thereabouts, that Gar Bar, scribe of Gambrach, long since in a purdah of silence, emerged to declare a message from the King. Or from the office of the King. Or from the bed of the King clothed in his brown robes of convalescence and his white cap of mystical holiness in Jandinia. Or from somewhere purporting to be associated with the King. For the people had not heard directly from the King in over 6 moons.

“Behold the proclamation of King Gambrach, most divine majesty, conqueror of all afflictions including the Many Years disease, that the unsigned coinage of the Kingdom is most unbeneficial to the affairs of the Kingdom. Yea is the Kingdom halfway through its pecuniary year and behold have we been side-tracked in our most holy crusade against unclean graft. And now, the King giveth his permission to Osinoshin, who remains only the Pretend King, to endorse the coinage.”

Then, Pretend King Osinoshin signed the coinage of the kingdom. And it was a great day of pomp and ceremony. And the golden quill of coinage signing of Bedrock was retrieved from its holy ensconcement.  And the naysayers proclaimed, “Aha! All ye who seek Gambrach on the pretext that the Pretend King doth not pretend sufficiently. Behold his glorious signage of the coinage. Leave ye our Gambrach to convalesce in peace!”

But the people asked again, “Where is King Gambrach?”

And a famous man known as Thankful Peacock of Charr Knells also asked the question of Lar Yi. “O, Lar Yi, Councillor for the Propaganda, where stayeth our king?”

“His wife returneth anon from Jandinia, and she proclaimeth him in good recovery. And verily I say unto ye that I believe her.”

Thankful Peacock pressed further. “But doth thou know his condition? Is it the Many Years Affliction? The people deserve to know!”

“I know now except what his wife sayeth. And also that Osinoshin maketh contact with him daily.”

“Oh wow. Daily?”

“Yes! The Pretend King and the Vanished King converse daily!”

“Oh, tremendous. If the Vanished speaketh to the Pretence, perhaps he might yet speak to his people.”

“Let us watch and pray.”

And yea, as they watched, news came from the mini-olympiad in Oz-Low, not very far off from Jandinia, that a lady athlete from the Kingdom was contesting in the Jumpathon. Behold, she was a big blessing unto the Kingdom for many years and her name was Kah Ray. And Kah Ray ran for the jumpathon with tremendous speed, some say propelled by a special breath from Gambrach in nearby Jandinia. And yea, Gambrach breathed too hard, for the breath propelled her forward, but not the wig with which she covered her head. Gheeeurd, did the wig fall backwards as she landed. And man, there was no gaddem chill across the many kingdoms of the world.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: Seasons of Empowerment

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A cloud gathered over the land as Gambrach departed from the Kingdom and lo, it was a cloud of whisperings. There were whisperings of a conditional abdication and severe resistance thereto from the high chiefs in the North. There where whisperings of a mutiny from the garrison. So loud where the rumours of the mutiny that the Lord General Rah Tye of the Dubailese Skyscraper Battalion had to stage a ceremony of fealty to the throne of Gambrach.

“We declare this day that our swords are for the Throne!”

“Uhm…those were the whisperings of which we were fearful” the people responded. “Ah, I see what you mean”, said the General. “What we mean is that we stand behind the Throne, ready at a word to strike!”

“Dude! Thou doth not make it better, bruh” the people replied again.

“Oh, come on! All right, no more euphemisms! We pledge allegiance to the Throne and shall leave matters of statehood to the Kings and counsellors in the land. Happy, now?”

Yea, did the people heave a sigh of relief. But it was only momentary, for the emissary of the Queen of Jandinia came to the people with a message.

“Behold! I come from Jandinia with a message for thee!” the emissary proclaimed.

“You bring news from our King?” the people asked him.

“No, I bring word from her majesty the Queen.”

“Oh, thou bringest a message from Lady Yeeshah?”

“No, my Queen. The Queen of Jandinia. The word from her throne is…”

“…but who you epp?” the people interrupted. “We want to hear from King Gambrach.” But eventually they let him speak, and he also had a warning for the garrison lest they mutiny.

Even Shiwajun spoke against these whisperings. “Behold, and I kid thee not. It shall be a heck of a Wahala Morghulis upon any mutineers. They may have all the swords and horses and arrows and shields and spears, and we may have nought but the hearts in our chests, yet shall our chests outnumber their swords and yea shall a holy Wahala Morghulis be unleashed on any soldier that seekest unfortunatecy.”

And the people were like, “Waaaaawu! Whose chests wouldst thou defend the kingdom with? Thine, surely?” And the thoughts of their chests being pierced with the armoury of mutiny filled them with sadness. Behold, news of their sadness came to the lesser kings. And they purposed in their hearts to do something to lift the sadness.

And yea, it was King Autumn of the kingdom of Ben Way who first came to the rescue of his people. My people need power, he thought. Power to be better. Power to do better. Power to resist the incursions of the land-grabbing herdists. Iskaba! Ben Way will be a flower to shower the people with an hour of empower! No longer shall they cower. Yea, they shall be like Jack Bauer in this hour that I empower. Iskelebete! I say they shall tower and their mood shall no longer be sour! Iskoloboto!!!

And in a frenetic fulmination of phantasmagoric and philanthropic forthcomingness, King Autumn ordered that each young man in the kingdom be given a wheelbarrow to ferry people around, as alternatives to the hackney chariots. For, he reasoned, if they ferry their fellow citizens about long enough, they shall grow in my biceptual  and triceptual stature. And yea, will they be empowered. Behold, I have fulfilled the prophecy of the great prophet, Dijanimus Khalidius – “major key”.

It was a farce. But the Lovengers, starved of anything Gambrachian to love, quickly bequeathed their blessings on Autumn. “Behold a great empowerment!” they declared. “Tis the greatest empowerment we have seen in a long gaddem time. When Gambrach returneth, ye shall see even more powerful empowerment, swearraghad!”

And behold, the people remembered Gambrach again. For lo, there was no news of him. Rather, there was more news from the high chiefs in the North. “Let it be known throughout the land that Gambrach will, shall, must compulsorily and irreversibly serve for two quadrannia on the throne. For it is written, ‘What do ye imagine against the King? He will make an utter end: affliction shall not rise up the second time.'”

“Yes!” said FemCallamitus. “I know not why the enemies of the Kingdom rage. Why do they seek the end of Gambrach’s reign? Have they ever seen a reign so beautiful and sweet? I don’t know much but I know I love him and that may be all I need to know. The King liveth. Even though he speaketh not to his people, nor attendeth to the affairs of the kingdom and spake not even unto me for several moons until the Day of Kingsleycost, yea, I know he liveth. How? Because it is truly amazing how he knocks me off my feet, every time he comes around me I get weak, no King has ever made me feel this way. Selah.”

“And let it be known” the high chiefs in the north continued, “that we are prepared for schism to rent the kingdom asunder should no heed be paid to our word. For reals, yo!”

And the clouds over the land continue to grow in size and darkness, and yea was there a rumbling in the firmaments above and a striking of lightning (for thunder striketh not, regardless of the opinions of the bumbum bard, Tee Maya). And behold, the cloud unleashed all the gaddem unchill inside it, as news reached the Twilistines that Shiwajun and Moozes, who had contested sorely against him, were reconciled. Worse, was news that Moozes was about to leave the house of Padipalia and join Shiwajun in Apicuria. The news was unleashed like a Gambrachian banter and there was no gaddem chill in all the land!

 

The Chronicles of Chill: Inner Bah Yor & the Handling Hand of the King

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In the second year of the first quadranium of King Gambrach, there was unrest in the land for the King had not been seen at successive meetings of his council. The people clamoured to behold their king and hear his soothing voice as he spoke to them yet again about his holy quest to rid the land of evil.

Unbeknownst to them, the King had embarked upon a very awesomely secret and mysterious mission, one whose secrecy was only exceeded in awesomeness by its mystery, and only a select few of his council knew whither he went. Lo, the mission was not even revealed to the chronicler and far be it from the Chronicler to accuse the revealing spirit of the Tword of unknowing.

“Where art thou, O Gambrach”, the people cried. “Speak to us, for the camp of your enemies whispereth that thou art ill.”

“Ye fear too much” said Lar Yi, the King’s councillor for propaganda. “For though the king be a septuagenarian, behold he is the septiest septuagenarian that ever was. Fear not, for he only worketh from home.”

And the people were confused. For Bedrock was the King’s home and the place from where he had always worked.

“Hath he moved to a different castle or palace?” the people asked. “Hath he another official residence? Thy explanation maketh no sense to us. Give us our king!”

Lar Yi cast an anxious glance at FemCallamitus. FemCallamitus looked nervously over his shoulder to see if Gar Bar was in their midst and knew what to say. But Gar Bar was nowhere to be found. It seemeth that he had accompanied the King on the mission most mysterious and secret.

“Look”, began FemCallamitus, “the King only followeth the orders of the meisters and yea, is he chillaxing, that his spirit and body may be renewed unto thy service.”

“But thou informest us previously that his fitness was fiddlistic. Didst thou declare unto us a falsehood?”

“No, twas true!” Lar Yi had come to FemCallamitus’s rescue. “The King taketh things easy, that he might convalesce.”

And the people looked at each other in befuddlement. “Thou confusest us big time, dude.” they said to Lar Yi. “Doth he work from his chambers or another palace or doth he convalesce?”

“Oh, look at that purple moonlight” exclaimed Lar Yi suddenly, pointing to the sky. And the people followed his gaze to see the purple moon. But behold, the moon was white and when they turned back to ask what he meant, both Lar Yi and FemCallamitus were gone. Twas a gbelonic-gbebonic scam.

Whilst the people stood perplexed in their confusion, the scribes of the Parafin lamps came into their midst with scrolls for all to read. When the seals on the scrolls were broken, they were seen to be the chronicles of electoralis federalis through which Gambrach ascendeth to the throne after the quadranium of Gejoshaphat. And the people turned to the Chronicler and asked, “are these thy chronicles?” But lo, they were the chronicles of Gun Yi, who had served the late King Yaraz as Head Scribe.

And Gejoshaphath emerged from the shadows to denounce all that was chronicled of him and his beloved PeiPei in the scroll of Gun Yi. And yea, was there unchill as sleeping memories of electoralis were revived in all their bitter glory. But the King still spake not to the people.

Finally, on the day of Templing, King Gambrach returned from his secret mission and walked into the temple. Behold, the Lovengers were thrown into a revelling of ecstasy proclaiming, “Behold the king! See how he walketh briskly!” And so, was that day proclaimed the Day of Bobriskly.

And yet the King spake not to the people, muttering only the words “Inner Bah Yor”. “Hearest thou, thy king? He speaketh! Oh, he speaketh!” cried the Lovengers.

“What is ‘Inner Bah Yor’?” the people asked. “Is it a mystery of esoteric profundity? And by the way, where is the Moborius, favoured engraver and painter of the King? Twould have been great for him to record this moment for posterity!” But no one knew what Gambrach meant by inner Bay Yor, and no one knew the whereabouts of Moborius, though twas said that he was seen in faraway land, partaking in the new equestrian combat sport of freelancing, not to be mistaken with what the knights of the realm did.

And then word came to the people from senatii that a royal scroll had been delivered to Abushola and Gah-Ra, warden and prefect. “Tis a letter from the King”, Abushola declared. “I shall read it. It says, ‘Shooperoo and Warridoo, how’s it hanging, hombres? Just a line to bring to your attention that the Jandinian meisters have summoned me again and lo, I must depart. I know not the hour or day of my return, so do not ask me.  I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again. Dooo doo dooo dooo dooo…when I see thee again. In the meantime, Osinoshin, my loyal Hand, whom thou knowest, shall handle the kingdom until I return. I know that ye wouldest find this pun funny, so ha ha ha. Peace out.”

Yea, did the breeze of unchill begin to percolate in the land. For it echoed the days of Yaraz and his journeys to the meisters in Sah Oud.

Then one of the senateens asked Abushola, “Oh Warden of the senatii and most excellent reader of the royal scroll! Pray, did the King say Oshinoshin would be Pretend King again or just a handler? If he saith only that the Hand would handle, not that he wouldst be Pretend King, we have a crisis most severe.”

Crisis, crisis, crisis!!! The cry went out of their chamber. And the unchill began to swirl. And yea, it took all the deftness that Abushola could muster to quell it. “The law of the land is clear! For as long as the king liveth yet visiteth the meisters, his Hand is Pretend King!”

“But his scroll…”

“Ignore the scroll, punks!”

And there was an easy unchill. Until news reached the people of yet another feast of savoury celebritine, as the daughter of Ban Gi Dah was wed to her betrothed. Yea, did all the private flying chariots in the land assemble at the castle of Ban Gi Dah. And lo, seated and feasting as brothers were Shiwajun, Gejoshaphat, Abushola, Shegolas and Ban Gi Dah – kings and lords for whom the Twilistines and Social Medianites and Digital Perusites had warred against themselves in electoralis. Smiling one to another at the same gaddem table!

The realisation hit the people that Apicuria and Padipalia were mere constructs in the mind of the hoi polloi. The hoi aristoi were one. And there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom!

The Chronicles of Chill: The Seventh Bravo Chamber of Gawd

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“My Lord the king is slow to hear, because of his affliction with the Many Years’ Disease, but the moment he heareth, behold he swingeth into action.” 

These were the words of one of the many bards of King Gambrach. And yea, did the words come to pass with the King’s banishment of Balavida from his council. The King had finally read of the curious case of corruptio korikonensis  and kwarapta intrusivo and had recanted his infamous Balavidan epistle. And yea, it was FemCallamitus, now shorne of his Kingsleycostlian euphoria that brought the news to the people that Gambrach has commanded his Hand, Osinoshin, to head the inquisition into the unfortunate grass species that prevented succour from reaching those that had been displaced by the cursed tribe of Boko.

And lo, was there another that was banished from the kingdom and marked for inquisition by Osinoshin. His name was Okey-Dokey and he was head of the kingdom’s league of espions. Why was he banished? Well, brethren, it was to do with that ancient prophet Flowing Rider again. For yea, they blew his whistle baby, whistle baby and the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission blew down the doors of a castle in the ancient city of Koh Yi.

As the Everlies swarmed the seventh bravo chamber of the castle, they came upon nought that the Brotherhood of the Blowing Whistles had promised. And then the spirit of another ancient prophet, Oceanic Billy, came upon Magoo and he screamed, “TEAR DOWN THESE WALLS!” And lo, behind the walls were caverns. And yea, when the caverns were smashed was there revealed an almighty haul of tremendous coinage, totalling 47 million Trumpetistani shekels.

GADDDDEEEEMMMMMMM!!!!

Brethren, the unchill that followed was so severe that the Everlies counting the haul broke out in severe perspiratory malaise. Never had the people seen so much coinage in flesh. Even in the famous dramatisation entitled “Coinage Speaketh” featuring the great actors Christopher Tuckerson and Jackson Chan-El5, when the bad guys demanded the 50 million shekels, Tuckerson exclaimed, “who thinkest thou that thou kidnappest? Vauxhall Hallmark?”

And the people demanded in their extreme unchill, “who owneth the seventh bravo chamber?” And speculatio randumus ensued. Some said it belonged to Rotimachus, others said it belonged to Mooh Azooh, former Head of House Padipalia. Some said it belonged to “special friend” of Rotimachus and very quickly Moprah Budfrey came into Twilistia denying that she was a special friend of Rotamachus or that he bequeathed the seventh bravo chamber to her, or that she even owned the seventh bravo chamber. And all believed her, so like Christo Fresh, they said, Uh-Huh, Uh-Huh! Yeah!

Behold, Mooh Azooh also claimed absolutely no knowledge of the ownership of the seventh bravo chamber. First he disavowed the the castle but his disavowment of the castle was quickly disavowed by they who built the castle. So, Mooh Azooh returned to admit that the castle was built at his behest. “People of the Kingdom, tis true I disavowed the castle but yea, did I lie. For the castle was built at my behest but lo, did I not have coin to repay the bank that lendeth me the money. And lo, did they repo my ass. Behold, I own now only a fraction of the castle and knoweth not who owneth the seventh bravo chamber.”

And yea, did 72 hours pass and the ownership of the chamber remain a mystery. Finally, the league of espions laid claim to the vast coin declaring, this money belongeth to our league, for our operations most very covert and down-low. Selah and let it be.

But Gambrach was neither a fan of the Beatles or Paul McCartney and he wouldst not let it be. “In this time of recessio economicus this vast amount of Trumpetistani coin exists without my knowledge???”

And Okey-Dokey replied him, “Your Grace, the clue existeth in the words ‘covert’ and ‘down-low’, bruh. Our league of espions is on a most clandestine mission and the Magoorian Everlies have compromised us.”

“Thou compromisest me, Okey-Dokey!!!” exclaimed Gambrach in royal frustration. “I shall be compromised no further. Summon Osinoshin!” And thus, were Balavida and Okey-Dokey banished from the Kingdom until Osinoshin determined their culpability.

The winds of Malabootay still blew across the land, with foreign scribes accusing King Gejoshaphat of enriching himself unlawfully, to which he replied, “my intercontinental stature riseth and this troubleth you. Haters gon’ hate, ballers gon’ ball and I feel pity for you all.” Semen from the play of Beegue Braw Thurr was not receiving due ostracisement for his molestations, Gambrach had forgone 2 meetings of the council of the kingdom for what Lar Yi termed ‘lighter affairs’. Of course, there was no gaddem chill in all the land!

The Chronicles of Chill: The Day of Kingsleycost

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Image with kind permission of @asukwoweb

The scribes of Gambrach were troubled by the absence of their King. For though they spake to the host that encamped around their liege, they heard not directly from the King himself. And when the people asked them, “what news have ye of our king?” the scribes would answer, “Pray ye for his quick recovery.” And the people would ask, “Recovery from what ailment? Tell us plainly, that we may know which of the gods to propitiate.” To which the scribes would respond, “Know ye not that thy king is an old man?” And the people, confused, would ask back, “Ye wouldst have us pray for his recovery from old age?” And the scribes would be irritated and would say in anger, “Depart and be gone! Ye lovers of hateration!”

Thus it was, one day in their weekly scribely gatherings, the men of the spinning quills looked at each other, unsure what they should write. They had tried to be strong in their tarrying for their King but their faith was being tested.

The people were singing the praise of Osinoshin, the pretend King. For unlike Gambrach he was yet within the realm of youth and he spake that which the people desired that Gambrach wouldst speak. And he went to places that the people desired Gambrach to go. And some of the people exclaimed, “Behold, a real king on the throne! See how he surpasseth Gambrach in everything!”

And this didst piss off the league of the spinning quills, for how dare the people think such a thing. Lo, didst they respond with a flurry of angered parchment, “Citizens of the kingdom, do not be unfortunate. Know ye not that Osinoshin is only that which Gambrach maketh and letteth him be? Take ye heed, that if ye see Osinoshin, ye see Gambrach. If he speaketh, tis the voice of Gambrach which ye hearest! Behold, if he polluteth the air by fart, know ye now for shizzle, tis the innards of Gambrach which thou smellest! For Gambrach is supremely supreme, suckers!”

But they were troubled, for real. There whispers of abdication, even as noise came from the northsteros that if Gambrach could not serve for 1 quadrannium and then another, they were entitled to put forward a young and healthy king in his stead. And the quills wondered what would become of them if this happened.

“Brothers, come what may,” said FemCallamitus, “I will write of the mercies of Gambrach forever, I will write of the mercies of the King. With my quill, will I make known his awesomeness to all generations!”

And one of the younger scribes, Bah Shally, was moved in his chest and also made a declaration. “My quill shall bless Gambrach at all times. His praise shall continuously flow from my ink. O magnify the king with me and let us exalt his name together!”

Yea, did Lar Yi, also proclaim with them, “It is a great thing to serve Gambrach! It is a great thing to serve Gambrach; walking in the light of the king. Oh, walk, walk, walk, walk, walking in the light! Since I was young, now I am old, I have never seen our king changeth!”

And as they were all there in their moment of profuse and obligatory adulation, behold there was rumbling of the ground, a closing and shutting of doors and windows and a kanayonic sound effect of nollywoodinian supernaturalism, and the room was at once filled with smoke. And then all who were in heard a deep voice say, “if you love Gambrach, let me hear you say yeah-yeah!” And the quills answered, “YEAH, YEAH!!!”

Behold, the smoke at once cleared, and revealed Gambrachoid flames dancing on the head of the adulating men of quill. And they were lost in an orgasmic frenzy of ecclesiastical griotism. Luckily for us all brethren, right at that very second, the painter Soo Quo was passing by and quickly recorded the scene for posterity. To him we owe the illiustration of this chapter.

And as the flames petered out and the tears fried from their faces, the scribes emerged from the room to testify to the people, speaking a new tongue. Twas revealed that the name of this new tongue was Frivolee.

First to speak was FemCallamitus. “Brethren! People of the kingdom! The spirit of Gambrach descended upon me and lo did he speak to me. Usually, he would call me Callamitus but today he called me by my hibernian nickname O’Scorpion! My king called me Fem O’Scorpion and told me to greet my household. Now I know that my redeemer liveth! And I am blessed from my soul into my loins!”

And Lar Yi and Bah Shally also testified. “Oh what a glorious day! We have heard the voice of our king and dwelt in his presence! Repent, ye haters. Ye mischief-makers! For he returneth soon! And when the king comes, will he find you as diligent and faithful as we the scribes of the spinning quill? Will ye partake of his glorious and tremendous kingdom?”

And then all eyes turned to Lay Si, to hear his testimony. But he testifieth not. Perhaps because he knew the ancient words handed down to the ancient prophet, Kirkus Lazarussia, which sayeth, “Ye shall never go fullus retardus!”  So they turned to Gar Bar. But Gar Bar was full of regret, for he had missed the visitation of Gambrach, having dashed out for a few seconds to make sure that Osinoshin was not being unduly acclaimed. “Dammit!” he muttered under his breath.

Brethren, there was chill in the land that day. Lo, the people were amused, full of mirth and very chilled. That day of visitation came to be known as the Blessed Day of Kingsleycost.

Selah, homies.

 

 

 

The Chronicles of Chill: TRUMPet from the Hill

Blow ye the trumpet in Zion, and sound an alarm in my holy Hill: let all the inhabitants of the land tremble: for the day of the Lord cometh, for it is nigh at hand… – Joel 2:1

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And so, after the declaration of King Gambrach that Lady Yeesha belongeth in his other room, Lady Yeesha raised herself up in the fulness of swagger and summoned the Queens of the Continent from the other rooms of their kings to a summit in Bel Jom. Lo, did she drape herself in the luxury finery of renowned garment maker Fer Gammo and all who beheld her exclaimed, “Yasss!” for she slayeth like a bad chick.

In that time, the pecuniary unchill which encampeth around the Iron Bank of Boo Jar and maketh the coin of the land unfloated, Moozes who contendeth with Ambsalom for the Kingdom of Gideria looked at his diminishing stock and sayeth unto himself, ‘How many of Gejoshaphat’s former councillors still have food to spare in spite of the Great Stinging, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to Gambrach and say to him: O King, Do with me what thou wilt.’ So he got up and returned to the Kingdom from Barrackistan.

And as he arrived from Barrackistan, while he was still a long way off, behold Gambrach saw him and was filled with absolutely no compassion for him and sent the Delivernace Squadron to welcome him and adorn him with the garments of incarceration.

Lo, did they also clothe Roo Ben likewise, not because he had written a scroll about the hosts of hell encamped around the dwelling of the just and unjust in Bedrock, but because it was seen that he also walked through the gates of Darth Soukey and was bequeathed with 50 million shekels.

And in the cell, Moozes looked at Roo Ben and chuckled. “Thou sef! Thou writest exceedingly much! Thou disturbeth the goons, then thou disturbeth their guardian fiends. How thinkest thou, that thou wouldest not finally provoke someone’s ire?”

Roo Ben laughed back at Moozes. “Thou might be a bigger MAGA than I, for thou returnest from Barrackistan thinking that a prodigal son’s welcome might somehow await thee. Thou art the most to be pitied amongst men.” Yea, did they both gaze longingly across the oceans towards Barackistan.

The season of electoralis was upon them Barrackistan. And in contention were Rhoda Hill, whose husband had been king several quadrannia past. Lo, did she contest for the throne of thrones with a man of great wealth, whose name was Trum Pet. Pet and Hill contested fiercely for the throne. Yea, did they traverse the entire kingdom, beseeching the people for their support.

The rulers of the earth favoured Hill over Pet. For Hill had been queen. She had served in senatii. Yea, had she even been councillor for foreign kingdom’s for the king. The nobles of Barackistan all denounced Pet, for while he was imbued with vast sums of coin, it was known in the galaxies that he was a hedonist, an epicurean, given to ostentation, brashness and self-adulation.

As the season of electoralis progressed, the utterances of Pet caused many consternation. For he said of the people of Mex, that many of them were given to forceful knowledge of women; killers who would not see the kingdom of heaven. He swore that he would build a yuge and glorious wall to keep them out. He said of the people of the crescent that they would not be welcome to Barackistan if he were to be King. Lo, did he say of fair maidens in the land, that whenever he was around them, he was stripped of his senses and yea grabbeth them by their pooh-seas! What is a pooh-sea? Alas, the chronicler does not know, for it has not been revealed to him, but the words of Pet brought revulsion in the global world. And Trum Pet was not moved by them.

Rhoda Hill, blessed and most favoured, was not without blemish herself. She was said to be friendly with men and women of usury, many of whom were of nefarious character. Together with her husband, King Klean Tonne, they ran a home for social good which many accused of funneling to their personal good. And, worst of all, when she was councillor, she refused to use the king’s elite security ravens for sending messages, preferring to use her homing pigeons instead, potentially opening up the secrets of the kingdom to the enemy.

All over the world, the people watched intently to see who would win and sit on the throne, for Barackistan was a great and mighty kingdom. On the final day of electoralis, many foresaw a victory for Rhoda Hill. All over the world, people prophesied the coming age of Queen Hill. Many were rejoicing before the the first vote was cast, imagining the rain of glass that would flood the earth as Queen Hill put a hole in the Glazone layer. Yet many more heralded glad tidings of great joy, for Barackistan had never had a Queen on the throne.

But it was not to be. As news of the various results began to filter in, the spirit of wawu descended upon Rhoda Hill’s supporters. This spirit was not enough to contain the worsening emotions as even more results arrived, so it made way for the spirit of Egbami. The people of Hill held on to hope audaciously and sought to rebuke the spirits. But it got worse, as Egbami made way for the spirit of Hinevahesperredit. And into the late hours of the night, they sought to exorcise the evil spirits. Their labour was in vain, for behold, 2 hours past midnight all the spirits fled, as that evil spirit of IzallovaJackie descended with a gbim!

Trum Pet blew his trumpet as King-in-waiting, and the world marveled. Wherefore, remember ye, I beseech thee, the words that preceded this chronicle – “Blow ye the trumpet in Zion, and sound an alarm in my holy Hill: let all the inhabitants of the land tremble: for the day of the Lord cometh, for it is nigh at hand.”

Brethren, the trumpet has been blown and an alarm has been sounded in holy Hill, as she conceded the battle. Tremble, brethren, for the day of the Lord cometh, it is nigh at hand and there shall be no gaddem chill! Selah.

The Chronicles of Chill: The Family Jewelleries

jewel

As the reign of Gambrach progressed, the only people in the kingdom with any sort of chill were the Lovengers. The sneezing, defecation, stride, sweating, eating, speech-making and every other thing about Gambrach still filled them with awe and drove them to cry mushy tears of admiration each time. Their number was reducing though, as more of their number struggled to understand the king.

Lar Yi, the councillor propaganda, was Chief Lovenger of the land and twas he who, fearful that the cry of the people might yet penetrate the Many Years’ membrane of the king quickly devised a plan. One morning, as the King walked leisurely in the palace gardens in the morning, sipping on his kunu and juice, Lar Yi approached with his idea.

“Oh King, most benevolent, most chillful, full of wisdom beyond measure, how art thou today?”

“Ah, Lar Yi, what news bringesth thou from the kingdom?” asked the King.

“Oh King, there are some foolish people in the land, seeking to turn the hearts of the billions who love thee against thee. They say change cometh not to the kingdom. And they tell lies – that there is no bread in the land.”

“Well, if they have not bread, then they should eat cake! Though, not the one with chocolates from foreign lands.”

“Precisely, your Majesty. This is why I have devised a new message to go forth from the palace unto the people, that the change they seek beginneth with them.”

“What a brilliant idea of great discipline. Gather my scribes, let them write the grandmother of all change speeches.

And so, the scribes were gathered, including Gar Bar and FemCallamitus and together with the King (or so it was said), they produced the speech. And lo, did Gambrach read the speech unto the people and yea did the eyes of the lovengers well up in tears of adulation yet again. “Oh what an awesome speech of speeches! Change truly beginneth with me.” they .declared. But the others, the wailers, were not amused. “Thou presideth over our growing turmoil, thou puttest not the stealer of the coin behind bars, thou maketh us to lie down beside drying streams to the delight of our enemies, and yet thou sayest change beginneth with us and not thee?”

Be that as it was, shortly after the King had spoken, a murmur began that some of the words spoken by the King were the words of the king of Barrackistan. Lo, did the accusation and stain arise from the people like a plague, because of the words that the King had plagiarised. Hehehe. This is joke of chronicler.

And in the palace, the scribes were troubled, for the allegation was an indictment upon them. Shortly afterwards, clearly with the panic still in the air, Gar Bar addressed the people. “Dear People of the land, it is knownst by thee that thy king is a great, great guy. Behold, as he readeth his speech, did he notice in the glorious splendour of his wisdom, that some of the words put in the speech were wrongfully inserted. Obviously, he knoweth that this doth sound like an innuendo, but he is great and oozes glory. And so, he sacketh the wrongful inserter and admonisheth thee – yes, admonisheth thee all, to focus on change beginning with thee!” Thus ended the word of Gar Bar.

 

 

And the people were filled with the audacity and mendacity of Gar Bar. They were filled with fear of Gambrach, for the following week, he was to sojourn to Barrackistan for the meeting of the League of Kingdoms general assembly meeting. While at the League of Nations, Gambrach was seen together with the King of Barrackistan, wherefore the lovengers proclaimed, “Wawu! Behold the adoration of the King of Barrackistan for our great guy king, Gambrach. Verily, this meaneth Gambrach is great.”

Throughout his sojourn, Gambrach told the nations how Gejoshaphat, not he, was to blame for every single gaddem woe being suffered by the kingdom. And behold, as Gambrach returned, the news spread about the kingdom that Lady PeiPei, wife of Gejoshaphat had laid claim to certain coin that had been confiscated by the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission. It was a great amount of coin, numbering 20 million Barrackistani shekels, which were 420 times more valuable than the coin of the land.

“But Lady PeiPei”, said the everly failers, “thy name be-eth not on the documents of this account and thou be not named as an owner of the account, by the bank. How then, pray tell art thou the owner of the coin within?” PeiPei did not answer but rather approached the magistrate to censure her bank for handing over the coin into the authority of the everly failers.

That night, the people went to sleep in absolute shock. It was a thing most shocking that PeiPei could lawfully come about or be so bold as to lay claim to the Barrackistani treasure. All the people of the land slept very uneasily, moreso the people of senatii and the council of Gambrach, for when they awoke the next morning there was a new song on their lips.

Abushola, whose troubles at Conductivitis were now fewer and further inbetween, together with Lee Ko, the richest man in Monopolia both declared in unison that a great spirit had visited them in the night and had ministered unto them that the way out of the recession, which apparently was more than just a word, was to sell the kingdom’s prized jewels.

“Not our prized jewels!!!!” protested the people, “for we know that it will go the way of its forbears in squalid squander and damnless disappearance.”

“Nah, mates”, said Lady Kem Shun, councillor for the coin, “you is not ge’ing da gist of tings. If we flog these jools, yeah, then we finna get some cash tings  to reduce the amounts we is borrowing. Dis is basic econominicx, yeah, to pawn ya shit when you is broke, innit bruv. It’s mad wicked plan, bruv. Let’s sell the jools, fam, namsayn?”

Behold, the rumblings of unchill again increased in ferocity as the people debated selling the jewels. Chill was long gone in the land, boys and girls smileth not, and out of the corner of everyone’s eye, they saw Shiwajun cooking another pot of Wahala Morghulis soup for YeGunz, head of the house of Apicuria…

 

The 5 Stages of Political Grief

GEJBuhari

15 months after the elections and 12 after the swearing-in of the new administration, more than enough time has passed for everyone to move on from campaign rhetoric and be more forward looking. It doesn’t seem likely to happen anytime soon, though, as many on either side of the fence still seem somewhat upset, for various reasons. However, both sides are more alike than each would like to admit and have been going through the same emotional/grief cycle. How, you ask, given that one side’s candidate won and the other lost? I’ll try to explain it.

 

Denial

For the Jonathanians, there was a lot of hope in the power of his incumbency and while they did expect the elections to be close, they did not anticipate his loss at the polls. They tried to point out voting irregularities like extensive underage voting in some parts of the country and a blanket failure of card readers. But it was not to be. Jonathan had lost.

 

The Buharists on the other hand, could not believe that the candidate they had sold with so much gusto was not similarly embraced by the entire country. Newspapers, in succession, both local and foreign, pointed out that he was probably as problematic a candidate as Jonathan, with his own Achilles Heel. However, they sold the candidate they imagined and hoped Buhari would be. President Buhari went on to win the election, but only by 51% of the vote to Jonathan’s 46%.

 

Anger

The Jonathanians were aggrieved at their principal’s loss and nothing is more symbolic of that anger than former Minister Orubebe’s sit-in “We will not take it” protest while the results were being announced.

 

Meanwhile, between the elections and the President’s assumption of office, information began to filter through about the wanton excesses that had occurred in President Jonathan’s government and how some officials were keen to make restitution before the axe of Buhari was imbued with the power of office and came swinging down with a vengeance. The Buharists were angry that so many were willing to consider Jonathan for re-election, and that alleged looters thought they could plea-deal their way out of consequences for their actions.

 

Bargaining

Then came all the what-ifs and if-onlys. If only Jonathan had focused on the Niger Delta and on Power. If only he’d shown a steelier spine and not been such a Johnny-come-lately, allowing everyone and everything to sway him. And if only Buhari was a bit more communicative and empathetic and did not do things that lent credence to the pre-election suspicions of the Jonathanians. What if he’d actually hit the ground running and appointed a cabinet earlier? And if only when he spoke he didn’t actually say some of the things that he was being reported to have said.

 

Depression

This is the current stage in the cycle. Both camps are losing wind and are defending their principals with a little less enthusiasm now. The profligacy of the Jonathan administration has led to the alleged uncovering of swathes of cash buried away in septic tanks and false walls in people’s homes; revelations, almost new every morning, about the EFCC’s noose tightening around some former official or the other’s neck. President Buhari has also not shown too much dexterity outside the sphere of chasing down loot, with the economy reeling from his tentativeness in addressing its issues. More than a few of his supporters, even the most ardent ones have stopped just short of renouncing their followership.

 

Acceptance

This is where we urgently need everyone to get to, especially the President’s cabinet. Looking back so frequently and pointing accusatory fingers only opens the door for them to be measured against the same yardsticks, as they are all coming to find. The supporters also need to fully accept the flaws of their respective principals with equanimity. Both have huge chinks in their armour and anyone who sticks their neck too far out in their defence will probably end up with a lot of egg on their face. We need to accept that GEJ wasn’t all bad and Buhari isn’t all good. We need to also accept that our fate, at least for the immediate future, lies in Buhari’s hands & his failure has grave implications for all of us.

keep-calm-and-move-on-4367

Hopefully, acceptance will mean that as supporters we can put away triumphalism, snark and I-told-you-so; and that the current administration is looking firmly forward. Let’s move on.

 

 

NB.

What about supporters of Kowa Party (and other “mushroom parties”) and those who remained on the fence in undeclared fealty?

How Powerful is the Senate’s Oversight Power, Really?

 

senate

The Nigerian Senate is a very populist one. When they’re not making crass, maladroit jokes about taking on more wives, on the International Day of the Woman no less, they can be found pontificating on DSTVs subscription prices or prohibiting government agencies (like the NERC) from carrying out their statutory functions. The usual reason for their intervention is that the policy or administrative action taken is “unfair to the masses” and the authority to intervene is cloaked with the National Assembly’s “oversight powers”.

A quick search through the constitution, or even a detailed one, will show you that the word “oversight” does not occur even once. What then is this concept of legislative oversight and how wide is the power, if it indeed exists?

A key tenet of democracies is the principle of the separation of powers. The powers, broadly, are executive powers, judicial powers and legislative powers. In the golden age of philosophy, it was the consensus that vesting all powers in one person or one organ would lead to anarchy and abuse, and that it was best to separate them so that they would each be a check on each other. This is the root of the well-worn phrase in Nigerian politics, “checks and balances”.

The powers of the legislature to check and balance the executive arm and its organs are in sections 88 and 89 of the constitution.

Section 88 says each House of the National assembly has the power to investigate (a) any matter in respect of which it has the power to make laws; and (b) the conduct of any parastatal or official responsible for administering any Act of the National Assembly or in charge of disbursing funds. The section then says that this power to investigate is only exercisable for the purpose of enabling it (i.e. the Senate or the Reps) to (a) make laws on any matter within its legislative competence and correct defects in existing laws; and (b) expose corruption, inefficiency or wastein the execution or administration of laws.

Section 89 says, as it relates to their power to investigate, they also have the power to procure evidence, require the evidence to be given on oath, summon anyone to give evidence or produce documents, and issue a warrant to compel the attendance of any such witness.

This is the entirety of the so-called oversight power. The power to investigate and the power to call for evidence and witnesses. Investigations are for the purpose of exposing waste and corruption, or for directions on amending existing laws.

The closest that the Senate has to a judicial power is the power to issue a warrant or summons to compel the attendance of a person who was previously invited but failed to turn up.

As such, every time that the Senate has “ordered” a reversal of a tariff hike, purported to revoke a contract in which the Federal Government is a party or reversed a new process (e.g. driver licensing), effectively issuing an injunction, it has acted in excess of the powers that the constitution grants it.

The Age of Gambrach: The Seance of Mikhail Jacksonovic

Glove

And so it came to pass that the people of Oyokolova, who ruled its affairs and were courtesans of King Ajimolov, decided to celebrate the ascension of Shittinski into the council of Gambrach. Shittinski had had a woeful time of it from his interrogation at senatii and was depressed of demeanour, for the people had mocked his answers. Thus, did he determine in his heart, to seize the occasion of the festival of his ascension in Oyokolova, to ameliorate his mood.

And on the day of the festival, King Ajimolov was present, and shared the table with Shittinski. Shittinski himself was bedecked in the finest finery he could muster. Robes of coral blue and aquamarine green, ornately complemented with sequinned gloves on each hand. Yea, was his swag complete, for he reminded the people of the late legend of music and dance, Mikhail Jacksonovic, and all thought Shittinski would, before the festival ended, do the walk of the moon and grab his crotch in full glare of the assembly. But it was not to be. Thus the reason for the englovenment of the hands of Shittinski were a mystery.

It was the season of mysteries in the land, as in that time, Dinobetes Mellitus, member of the senatii, brought his brethren a matter of urgency. “Behold, brethren, the sacred abacus of the kingdom has been compromised by those against our progress, these people of Dembitter. How thinkest they, of Dembitter, that they shouldst be possessed of 25 billion of our precious shekels in one day!?!” And there was a rumbling in the land against Dembitter. But it was quickly quelled, for Dembitter had sealed a parchment with the usurers of the land and none of it was illegal. The effect of the insertion by Dinobetes Mellitus of himself into the matter was akin to a sugar-infused hyperactivity.

And in those days, following the successful ascension of King Rotamachus to the council of Gambrach, Momodeen, his griot, let it be known that he had had word from Daisy-Annie. She had granted him audience, and the permission to interrogate her. But Momodeen did not delve into his conversations with Daisy. Nay. Instead, he composed a ditty unto himself, describing the obstacles traversed before he was beholden of Daisy-Annie. He slayed a few dragons, stole the golden fleece, beheaded the kraken, had tea with Percy Jackson and finally, found himself before Daisy-Annie. But Daisy-Annie was changed. She was locked in fierce battle with an affliction but she found strength to refute the allegations that Momodeen brought from the kingdoms to her. For his travails, however, the name of Momodeen was changed, to Momodyssius, for he had fulfilled a quest.

Yet was there still unrest in the land. The people were short of black oil, as that which Gambrach produced from his body for a time had run out. Lo, were the people incapable of locomotion via their chariots and yea could they not power their electric candles. And the Wailers cried out, “Why be there no black oil! This was not what Apicuria promised!” And the Lovengers replied “Wail thou as thou must, it is of no use, for Gejoshaphat is gone forever.”

[…To be continued…]