Chronicles of Chill: The Voice – Season Two

The clouds of unchill continued to swirl over the Kingdom and behold a heavy thunderstorm of unchill rained down on the house of Dinobetes Mellitus.

Dinobetes had loved Abushola, the warden of senatii but hated the king of his own lesser kingdom, Kogitamia.

King Yaya Bellows of Kogitamia despised not being the beloved of Dinobetes. Yea, he saw Dinobetes grab Abushola and throw him in the air as he had thrown others before and hated that he the king had not been so royally manhandled.

And so he proclaimed, “Wahala Morghulis shall not end, for I shall unleash it on House Mellitus and have the people expel Dinobetes from senatii.”

Lo, did the men of Bellows traverse the kingdom collecting the signatures of the enfranchised. For it was the law of the land that if half their number petitioned the Commisar of Electoralis and affirmed their loss of faith in a member of the senatii at a referendum, the member would #Sexit.

“Maigheeeurd!” exclaimed Dino, as the petition of his constituents reached the Commisar. “What wouldst become of me if I sexit senatii? I must find a Pharisee versed in the law to save me.”

Yea, did he instruct Michaelangelo, a mighty man of the silk to counter-petition the courts on account of the men of Bellows breaking into tombs, placing quills in the decomposed hands of the dead and scrawling signatures on the petition. Necrocalligraphy at its peak.

And lo, it had been a season of fasting and prayer in the land. For 30 days, the people of the Great Prophet had faster and as the 30 days ended it was time to break the fast with feasting and merriment.

It was the custom in the Kingdom for the King to declare the feast commenced and the people wondered if it would be the Pretend King that would speak to them.

But nay, Gar Bar, co-head scribe to Gambrach with FemCallamitus, announced that he was bringing an audial word from Gambrach.

And yea, the Lovengers were delirious.

And behold, the people gathered with their mats and popcorn all over the Kingdom to hear the voice of their long.

Lo, was it like the time of Mah Roo, when he convalesced in Sah Oud and also sent an audial word unto the people, as Shegolas asked him, “Mah Roo, doth thou yet live & breathe?”

At last the hour of delivery came but yea, half of the people comprehended it not, as Gambrach spoke in the native tongue of the Fullanisters. It was a puzzlement. It was a formentor of unchill.

“Behold, the voice of thy King!” said Gar Bar.

But the people remembered the word of the singing prophets, Magic Système, which said “premier gâou n’est pas gâou…” and the words of former King of Trumpetistan, Giorgios Bushellopoulos, “…fool me twice, can’t get fooled again.” And they cried, “Noooo!!!!”

“Gambrach speaketh not with the rapidity of the audial. This audial was not punctuated with the kingly pauses and “uhhhh” of which our King speaketh. Furthermore, how be it that his first word to the kingdom in two score days and ten, wert not in Inglesius, which the whole kingdom comprehendeth? We shall not be deceived!”

And there was not a gaddem speculum of chill in the entire kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them

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Brethren, there was finally chill in the land. It was not the chill that passeth understanding for this chill was well understood. It was the chill of the drama that bowled the kingdom off its feet. It was a stage drama scripted by the Orwellian playwright, Monsieur Beegue Braw Thurr of Paris.

For 3 score and 1 and a half dozen days, Beegue Braw enthralled the kingdom with its array of thespians, with names such as the kingdom had never seen before and behold, there was a grand prize for the greatest actor in the play. The people forgot about King Gambrach, who had said and done and was seen very little since he returned from Jandinia. Lo, Gambrach said it unto the people that he would be returning to the Jandinian meisters to perfect his convalescence and yea, was it greeted with a cacophony of silence. An almighty kerfuffulous scandal broke, showing the debauchery of malabootay and yea, was it unlooked by all and sundry, and there was chill.

Brethren, yea was it the season of the ancient prophet Flow Rider and the lost tribe of the whistle blowers. Behold, they blew his whistle baby, whistle baby and let the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission know about vast swathes of coin stolen by officials of the Kingdom. The brotherhood of the Flow Riders blew hard, for an inheritance was promised unto them that revealed. And the whistles only blew of Gejoshaphatic pilferage, for the Kingodm of Gambrach was upright and holy.

And there was chill in the land.

But then, the spirit of the Tword swept through the kingdom and saw the people in a state of unprecedented sub-chill. So happy and chilled were they and so bereft of the burdens of the kingdom had they become that unmarried many and unmarried man clung to women that were neither their wives and copulated in unbridled chillaxation. Such unbridled coitusification rose as a stench and the spirit of the Tword was so displeased that it sent a plague upon the the fetid fields of fornication.

Or so it was said by Ree Yah, the king of the lesser kingdom of ZamfarawayLand, which worst struck by the plague. And yea, was it a plague of Jye-Tiss. King Ree Yah was confounded by the plague and enquired of the court vizirs the source of the scourge. And he went into prayer himself, where it was revealed to him that the plague was sent upon the land because the fornicatometer had passed 40 forns (the metric unit of measurement). “My people, the spirit of the Tword is displeased and we have offended him sorely with our combustions of the flesh. This scourge of Jye-Tiss is upon us for we have exceeded 40 forns. We shall appease the spirit, as is the custom of our state, by the king taking a new teenage bride. And then we must do our best to keep our fornicatometer between 19 and 35 forns only, lest we be visited with another plague.”

And even then, brethren, there was only a mild, fleeting unchill. For the people watched the play of Beegue Braw Thurr. Until the play ended and the actors all exited left. Then, the chief scribe of Gejoshaphat (thou rememberest him, surely), Roo Ben dug out his quill and wrote of the play of Monsieur Beegue.

“My soul magnifies all the gods old and new for the ending of the play of Monsieur Thurr, for it was a gaddem distraction from the whinings of the kingdom. Never have I, Roo Ben, seen such a bad play about grocery in my life. For I know my onions. And I know my fruits. And I know too well when fruit oligarchs masquerade their products with sultry satire.

“In the play of Monsieur Beegue, there were lost of bananas on display. SoLah TiDoh, one of the lady actors, loved the bananas of her male counterparts quite openly. But they were bad bananas. How do I know this? Because I also have a banana. And while I was in the king’s court, I received praise for my premium banana, disbelieving the lies of those who claimed they had seen better bananas. In fact, my banana was once thought to be a plantain and another a cucumber. The cucumber person was colour blind in their left eye though.

“And then there was Left-Eye, the posh actress of mixed heritage who put her fruits on display, claiming that they were fruits that were loved by the high-flying men of the winged chariots in the sky. Gurrrrl, because of my time in the king’s court, I know a thing or two about the favoured fruit of the frolicking affluents. I have seen better fruit than Left Eye had to offer. I see better fruit all the gaddem time. And unlike the downward pointing mangoes and oranges Left Eye put on display, the men of the flying chariots prefer pumpkins and watermelons and coconuts.

“You see, to be a man of discernment is a lifetime’s work. And I have developed quite a taste for fruit. A man of discernment knows his fruits.”

And mygheeeeeurd, did unchill return with a righteous vengeance! Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom!

The Chronicles of Chill: The El-Farquaadian Gambit

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The Day of Kingsleycost had put a spring in the step of the spinning quills. FemCallamitus had a particularly springy bounce in his step. He was full of song and daily refilled his lamp with the oil of hope, like the wise virgins of yore. “My bridegroom, King Gambrach, cometh for me, surely!” he sang, with great expectations. “Will you be ready? Will you be ready? Will you be ready when my Lord shall come?”

Behold, his expectations were not cut short. For like a thief in the night, though he was not one and his arrival was not in the night but early when the cock crowed at dawn, Gambrach returned to the Kingdom from Jandinia in his winged chariot.

The evil detractor-enemies from Padipalia and beyond had rented huge bellows and yea, they orchestrated a heavy gust of wind to blow Gambrach of his feet as he descended from his chariot. However, Gambrach was full of Jandinian fortification and though the bellows blew and caused him to sway and stagger, the King stood firm. And the all Lovengers exclaimed, “Oh what a great and stiff standing of the King! The greatest and stiffest standing the Kingdom has ever seen! How blessed we are to have a King so stiff and firm, against the bellows of the haters!”

Lo, as the King arrived, the scribes of the Kingdom gathered to welcome him. Yea, were there scribes from beyond the Kingdom even, for his long absence had become a source of consternation for the entire global world. “Welcome, O King,” they greeted him. “It gladdens our hearts to see thee back from thy flossing and chilling and big pimping in Jandinia.”

“My what?” asked Gambrach clearly puzzled.

“Thy shooting of the breeze” they responded, “for it was the word of FemCallamitus (who by the way, spake not with thee until Kingsleycost) that thou wert not infirm. Twas also the word of Lar Yi that thou wert hale and hearty. His Highness must therefore have been hanging out with his Jandinian homeboys.”

“Ye mock me, surely” said the King, “for since I was young, yea unto my geriatry of present, I cannot recall a time when I was more infirm!”

“Oh, wawu! So art thou taking over from Pretend King Osinoshin yet?”

“Nay, he shall yet be Pretend King a few days more. For my journey was long and fatiguing. Behold, I have yet more recovery to recover.”

However, very quickly, Gambrach decided the time for Osinoshin’s pretence was over and he came back into the throne room. And lo, as he ingressed the room, the entire council of the Kingdom was there – his ministers and the lesser kings. So, he shook the hand of the nearest councillor and accepted the warm remarks of welcome, then made for the throne. However, he heard the gentle song of the councillor standing beside the one whose hand he had shaken. It was a soft and piercing song of supplication, “Gambrach, Gambrach, here my humble cry! While some others thou art shaking, do not pass me by!”

Gambrach rolled his eyes, for all he wanted to do was sit and preside over the council. Now they were all singing it and he had to shake all their fricking hands. And so he shook them one by one, until none had been passed by. But then he saw that one may have indeed been passed by, or was perhaps not in the room.

“Where is El-Farquaad?” he asked Balavida. “In the Land of the Nethers, your Grace.” came the reply. “Hmmmmm…”

The following day, the time came again for Magoo to defend his prefecture of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission before the senatii under the wardenship of Abushola. Kyocera had snitched on Magoo’s ess like crazy the last time but the King had returned and Magoo was down with the King, so he was confident.

“Why shouldest we affirm thee as Prefect of the Everlies? Thou art everly failing, after all.”

“My Lords senateens, ye may yet change our name, for the commission faileth not anymore. We have recovered vast vaults of coin stolen from the Kingdom. Behold, the magistrates have convicted former king Jabal of the kingdom of Mah Wah and sentenced him to half a decade in prison. Our noose tightens against many of ye senateens before whom I seek affirmation today. Affirm me with haste, that I may procure thy incarceration with uncompunctious despatch.”

“We see thou comest today with a bagful of jokes, Magoo” said Abushola “dost thou want to be prefect or a mouth of basket?”

“Perhaps, Lord Warden, he might tell us exactly how much he recovereth” volunteered a senateen.

“My Lords, I cannot tell thee the number. As we were counting the recovered coin, we reached the upper limit of our numerology. The numbers as we know them finished. Just know ye this, that it is a HUGE amount of coin.”

Magoo expected to receive his affirmation then. Alas, Kyocera and the Deliverance Squad Squadron had delivered yet another word for Magoo, proclaiming him unfit for the prefecture. And the people were puzzled. For Kyocera and Magoo were both courtiers of the King. “Perhaps they are gladiators and senatii is the arena and Gambrach pits them against each other for the kingdom’s amusement” the people mused.

There was also more puzzlement as the Trumpet blew yet again in Trumpstantinople. The Trumpet had just accused the former king of tapping his booty during their electoralis and then was visited by Queen Mer Kel of Allemagne. King the Trumpet and Queen Kel addressed the people jointly and as they finished, the people called for the customary clasping of royal hands. “Grab her hand, grab her hand!” the people demanded. But the King in his tremendous and bigly wisdom demurred. “Okay, grab her pou sea, grab her pou sea!” they suggested in the alternative. At this point, the revelation became hazy and the chronicler had to put down his quill.

And as the quill went back into the ink pot, the voice of the Tword commanded, “pick it back up gaddemit, for unchill cometh!” So the chronicler obeyed and opened his eyes to the revelation.

Behold, there was a rumbling of unchill in the kingdom, as several copies of a cluster of parchments were distributed across the kingdom by the Kalahari Pseudojourns. Was it a new play by a famous playwright? It certainly had an intriguing title  – “Thou Fallest My Hand, Bruh!” but it was no play. It was an epistle from King El-Farquaad of Dunamis to King Gambrach. And it was two score and ten gaddem pages long! Luckily, the voice of the Tword abridged the epistle for the chronicler. And it read thus –

“THOU FALLEST MY HAND, BRUH (for reals)

Thou fallest my hand, bruh. Thou promised change to the people but in the words of the great bard Amaru, ‘Change? I guesseth change be good for any of us, whatever it taketh to get up out of thy farm. I’m with thee, I ain’t mad at thee…’ I ain’t mad at thee for thou anointest my head with oil and made me king. But thou fallest my hand bruh with the dud change and if the people be mad at thee, they be mad at me too.

“Dude! Why be-est thou aloof? Why chinnest thou Shiwajun and the convocation from which thy reign arose? Why givest thou Kyocera and Balavida the audacity to feel like they running things? Those homeboys are rude, naive, uncouth, inexperienced, clueless and just generally bad news. Thou cautionest them not, and thou fallest my hand, bruh.

“I believe in you bruh, but everything be falling apart under your reign. You my dawg and errthang but unless you bring your A-Game, we are going to lose the throne. The other sheets in this epistle are my blueprint for the turnaround. Don’t let Balavida or Kyocera get their hands on them – if you do that, you be falling my hand again, bruh. Anyways, I hope you get this, man, hit me back
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Stan Farquaad.”

It probably helped not that El-Farquaad was away in the Land of the Nethers when the epistle went into circulation but, my gheeeeuuuuurd, there was no gaddem chill in the land!

 

 

VEXIT: A Different Referendum Tale

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The people of Nigeria finally got their wish. After many constitutional conferences with the famous ‘no-go’ areas, where everything could be discussed apart from the things that had any impact whatsoever on Nigeria’s constitutional status as “…one indivisible and indissoluble sovereign nation under God…” there was finally going to be referendum. The people were going to be asked a simple, question – “Should Nigeria remain in its current geographical state?” – to which they would answer a simple Yes, or No.  “If a simple majority of the people vote No,” the President said, “then Nigeria as we know it shall be no more.”

 

The people were divided into Yesmen and Nono camps and it seemed from very early on that the Nonos had wider support from the public. A date was fixed for the referendum and in addition to strategizing on voting patterns, some groups thought it wise to begin to forge alliances ahead of the poll. Very quickly though, there was a protest from the South-East. “It is an outrage that we have only 5 constituent states”, its leaders said. “We cannot vote on the basis of a simple majority of the total number of voters. Rather, each region should be considered as one vote, based on how the majority of its indigenes vote. Like Big Brother Africa or CokeStudio.”

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The other regions quickly agreed. It seemed reasonable enough until someone pointed out that there were 6 regions, with nothing agreed on what would happen in the event of a tie. “If there’s a tie, the President should have the casting vote,” volunteered the North West, which by sheer coincidence, of course, was where the President was from. “It would be an outrage for there to be any other conclusion.” Of course, all the other regions were outraged and none of them agreed to this bizarre proposal, so a neutral umpire was proposed. It was decided that Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, leading African statesman, enemy of the European Imperialist, would be entrusted with the casting vote in the event of regional deadlock. In addition to his pan-Africanism, Old Rob was also known for the many made up quotes attributed to him. The Nigerians figured it would be nice to have him quoted as having made some other bizarre remark about Nigeria. Very quickly though, to sweeten him up, emissaries from all the regions were dispatched in private jets to Harare, laden with ice-cream of different flavours. His love of ice-cream was a notorious fact.

 

One day to the referendum, it seemed like all the objections were over and the referendum would finally go ahead. However, just as the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, hickory-dickory dock, the South-West leaders, armed with 217 Senior Advocates of Nigeria, marched to the Supreme Court to file a motion for injunction, of utmost national importance. They were outraged, for there had been rumours that large numbers of people were moving in from Chad and Niger to take part in the referendum. The South Western leaders wanted the referendum deferred until the National Identity Card project was completed and it was clear who the foreigners were.

Very quickly, the Association of Chadian and Nigerien Immigrants (ACNI) filed their own counter-petition. They sought to invoke their fundamental human rights of not being discriminated against on the basis of the place of their origin. The case was struck out for the obvious reason that the rights guaranteed by the constitution were guaranteed to Nigerians only. “I find that these nomads have no locus to bring this action and strike it out for being absolutely incompetent and lacking in merit” was the ruling of the Judge.

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However, the use of the word “nomad” by the judge had pissed some leaders off across the entire spectrum of the North. So, they appealed the judgement, alleging that it showed the judiciary to be biased against all persons of whom nomadism was a feature of their culture.

By this time, the South South had grown weary of the squabbling and its leaders took out full pages in all the national newspapers to complain about the plot of the rest of Nigeria to frustrate and truncate the referendum, with the aim of keeping their fangs sucking the blood of oil from the flesh of their land. They urged the other regions to stop faffing about and to get the show on the road.

 

The next day, a major pipeline was bombed by the South South Justice League Avengers Squad. They issued a statement on their website, giving an ultimatum. They would blow up a new pipeline every week until the referendum was held.

 

The President, though determined not to be seen as meddling, knew he had to intervene and set a firm date for the referendum, as the brewing crisis threatened to boil over. He called a meeting of all the State Governors, with the hope that they would be able to calm down their respective constituencies if he gave them certain assurances.

 

“Your Excellencies, the eyes of the world are on us. We need to get our people to stop behaving like dogs and baboons. Their blood is too hot at the moment. We must calm down the polity.” The Governors knew the President was right and resolved amongst themselves to do what was necessary to facilitate the referendum. The first of those things, was to prevail on all the camps in litigation to withdraw their petitions and commit to a new date for the referendum. The rose from the meeting, issued a communique to the press and left the president feeling happy and fulfilled.

 

The next day, as the newspapers were brought to the President for his morning tea in the Presidential Palace Gardens, he noticed to his surprise that large sections of the front pages had been cut out. Irritated, he called for his chief press officer. “What is the meaning of this?”

 

“Meaning of what, your Excellency?”

 

The President raised the paper, so the CPO could see the gaping hole in its front page. “This.”

 

“Oh, that, sir. It must be the printer’s devil.”

 

The President had recently been warned by physician to watch his temper. The pressure of the rupturing nation and the logistics of the referendum were taking their toll on his blood pressure. So, very calmly, he walked into the ante-room to check the papers there. Immediately, he understood why his press team had gone to such snippy lengths.

 

“SCANDAL ENGULFS REFENDUM MACHINE SUPPLIER” screamed the headline. “Ya Allah!” exclaimed the President. A senator from Kogi state had informed the press that the Senate would be investigating the sums repatriated by Mercury Tally Numbers Limited, the supplier, to its home country South Africa.

 

“Foreign businesses cannot just come here and say because they have invested, they can just take out any sums they like. No! I will personally lead a protest into the bank’s server room to block remittances if this is not investigated immediately!” the Senator was quoted as having said. His colleagues in the Senate very shortly afterwards resolved to pass a resolution proscribing the company from operations until the investigation was over. This effectively meant that a new logistics partner had to be found for the referendum.

 

The President sighed and clenched his jaw, tightly. It was time for the gloves to come off.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: Watch the Throne

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The chronology of the Kings of the Kingdom starting with the emancipation of the kingdom from the rule of Jandinia. King Lay Wah was the first to ascend the throne. At the same, there was another who also sitteth with one butt cheek on the throne, and he was called Z. Ki-Way. But then there was the mutiny of the centurions and they put Lay Wah to the sword. King Gwi Yi quelled the rebellion and was king for a short while. But he was also put to the sword and Jackie Wan became King.

 

Jackie Wan reigned for a long, long time, and the great war of Frabiapob took place during his reign. On the other side during the Frabiapobian war was Joo Koo, who declared a break away kingdom of Frabiapob in the south. Jackie Wan was deposed by Tah Lah, who is said to have committed atrocities during the great war of Frabiapob. Tah Lah was also put to the sword and was succeeded by Shegolas of Owurutas. And Shegolas was the last of the first centurions, and he ceded the throne to a civilian known as Shey Hu. The reign of Shey Hu was truncated by Gambrach, who was yet a centurion; a severe man of Gunn. Gambrach was ousted by Gi Dah, who stepped aside, in the wake of the truncated transition to Shimawo Okazaki, for  Kan Sho, a civilian. Kan Sho was ousted very quickly by Bar Chah, who died on the throne and was succeeded by Sah Lam. Sah Lam finally yielded to the civilians and was succeeded by the same Shegolas of Owurutas, who had nearly died in prison at the hand of Bar Chah. Shegolas reigned for two quadrannia and was succeeded by Mah Roo. Mah Roo also died on the throne and was succeeded by Gejoshaphat. Gejoshaphat was succeeded by Gambrach (now of broom, no longer of Gunn) after Gambrach defeated him at electoralis.

 

But let us rewind briefly. Mah Roo reigned for only two years when he was struck by a secret and mysterious ailment. And the courtiers at Bedrock denied that Mah Roo was infirm. Yea, even when he was rushed out to Sah Oud and brought back in the dead of night, it was said that he sniffed the flowers and read the holy script. And Gejoshaphat, who was the King’s Hand, was denied power by the powers that were. But the people marched and cried out for a king and then the senateens succumbed to lex necessitas and proclaimed Gejoshaphat interim king.

 

Whither all this history, thou asketh? Well, these are the chronicles, dammit. And the foregoing chapter of the chronicles told how after the siege of SurroundedbySenegalistan, Gambrach wrote to senatii that he was proceeding on vah catio. In his missive, Gambrach informed the senatii that he would be gone for 10 days during which time, he would take the opportunity to see his meisters for a routine check-up. Perhaps the Many Years disease was afflicting him again, especially will all the shouting and posturing he had just endured at the hand of King Jamming.

 

But then the winds brought back news from Jandinia that Gambrach was gravely ill but his scribes Gar Bar and FemCallamitus denied it, the latter proclaiming that even the Lord rested on the 7th day. The people were not convinced, for they heard not the voice of Gambrach and the malarkey was reminiscent of the last days of Mah Roo, when Shegolas calleth to him across the oceans and enquired, “Mah Roo! Art thou kpeme’d?” To which Mah Roo had replied, “Ah Shegolas, my times are not in my hand. I live, but eyan le ku any fo’cken time!”

 

And the people were restless and unchill blew. Yea, did it blow louder than the Trumpet was blowing itself from the Hill. “Give us our king! Or let us know his fate!” the people cried out. “If he returneth not, how shalt Nono GenGen be made Primus Magistratus?”

 

And Osinoshin addressed the people. “Subjects of Gambrach, I bring ye glad tidings of great joy of Gambrach’s revelment in a state of haleness and heartifulness. I spake with him and yea did we speak of many things, fools and kings, and this he said to me ‘comfort ye my people’. Behold, I send Nono Gengen’s nomination to senatii. See? The throne, like willie, is working.”

 

But the people were unchilled. For even in the midst of the mysterious malady of Mah Roo, they heard his voice. And the people cried out again, “Give us our king, we say!” And then FemCallamitus took centre stage, to respond to the cry of the people, and they groaned, for FemCallamitus was really full of shit.

 

“Oh thou that bringest false tidings of the demise of Gambrach to zion. Thou shouldst be full of shame. For I know that my Gambrach liveth!”

 

“Is that so?” they asked FemCallamitus. “Riddle us this then. How often speakest thou to him?”

 

“Daily, without fail! Well, I speak unto them that surround him and assure me that they speak to him in Jandinia. And verily, I believe them. For I know that they cannot lie.”

 

And the people were sore  unchilled. For they had seen this movie before. Yea, did they believe neither FamCallamitus nor Osinoshin. “Where is our beloved king?” the people demanded yet. But Gambrach’s council was silent. Woo Doo spake not about rice, Mefilius spake neither about the coin, or indeed rice. Shittinski never said much anyway, so twas not a surprise that nowt was heard from him. Lady Kem Shun, me blad, me fam, was jus chilling and being a peng ting innit fam?

 

And there was a brief period of chill, as in the eye of the storm, news reached the people that King Snoop Neffy Neff, former king of Deltonia, champion of the tribe of Gah Ra, was returning from his exile in Jandinia. It was said, but only by malicious, nefarious and dastardly rumour mongers, that Neffy Neff had stolen the coin of the Deltons and tried to hide it in Jandinia. The evil people also said that Neffy Neff had once been a mere stable boy in Jandinia. But the Gah Rans and the Deltons did not give a flying gaddem. He was their champion. He was their kingmaker, even in exile and like the nemesis of John & Sarah Connor, he was back. And yea, did they rejoice at his arrival.

 

Then, behold, word came to the people that Gambrach had written another letter to senatii, to let them know that he needed to prolong his vah catio. “The meisters have required him to ride a cycle as test”, FemCallamitus explained, “for as ye knowest, Many Years afflicted the ears and in the ears is our balance. If Gambrach rideth the cycle in his test and falleth not, then we and ye shall know that he be cool again.”

 

Behold, there was no chill in the land. It was gone. And from the perch of his balcony, above the fray of unchill, Shiwajun looked at it all with a smile on his face. Wahala Morghulis, he thought, as he sipped the wine of seedless grapes from his goblet. And Neffy Neff slapped the goblet out of his hand and the seedless grape wine spilled on the floor. “Look at me. Look at me. As the great prophet Latiffus Kayodensis prophesied, you are not only the one dat dey there! Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

 

 

The Chronicles of Chill: Days of Banishments & Fake Tidings

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The pestilence of unchill continued to hang over the kingdom of Gambrach but reprieve came in the month of the feast of nativitus. Yea, was it turnt, as the people rose in one accord to eat, drink and be merry, lest they perished.

In that time, there was another wedding of celebritine savour, as the Princess of Ko Tow, daughter of King Tambourine was joined in wedlock to the son of Ser Galman of the province of Snap, Crackle and Pop. And as the hoi aristoi revelled in the celebritine savour of the moment, behold men of the Hezbollah descended upon them and smashed their gourds of expensive mead. Ol’boy!!!!

The Hezbollah were the petit gendarmes of Ko Tow and were pitifully unaware that the were only free to hezboll occasions and venues lacking in celebritine; that their mandate could by no means extend into the courts of King Tambourine. Behold, before the children could recite their favourite nursery rhyme “rice smuggled hot, rice smuggled cold, rice smuggled in a truck, 9 days old“, King Tambourine banished them into inexistence.

In the south of the land, news reached the people that, further to an edict from Obeezee4Sheezee, prefect of commercial reporting in the kingdom, GoDaddy, the supreme domain registrar at roccing dot come, relinquished his seat as supereme overall in the land to another.

Roccing dot come was one of the most famous domains of religion in the land and GoDaddy  one of the most renowned supreme overall domain registrars. Another famous registrar, though far less so, was Osinoshin the Comer Comelion, Hand to Gambrach.

And behold, the people of the domain were aghast at the loss of GoDaddy. Other domainers from other domains were also fearful, that the edict would also lead to the loss of their supreme overall registrars, such as PapaDontPreach, Kum’Bayah, Soul Glo, and so on. “Whither the dominion in the land, and the domains, if these great registrars are to be banished?” they cried.

But the domainers need not have feared. For the next morning, before the children could sing their second favourite nursery rhyme, “Ol’ Go slow yes they rob I, strand I still I standing still”, Gambrach arose from deep slumber and banished Obeezee4Sheezee from the prefecture. (Ol’GoSlow was a melody made famous by the great bard Marley Majek. Song otherwise called Redemption Camp).

Many in the land said that Osinoshin had whispered into the non-ManyYears ear of Gambrach, but the Chronicler be not a bearer of fake tidings that have not been brought by the revelation of the Tword.

For fake news was a pestilence, even far away across the sea in Barackistan, where the sun was setting on the second and final quadrannium of the king. A new King, King the Trumpet, was about to blow himself from the Hill, and rechristen the Kingdom Trumpstantinople.

And behold, sad tidings of great scorn were brought to them and all mankind, that Vladz the Bahdt Guyz had hired the greatest mystic marabouts from the Far East to conjure up demons to impugn the integrity of electoralis in that land. Twas also said that the demon Nepotisto was going to follow the Trumpet into the Palace. But he called it all fake tidings – “Behold, my sons shall administer my trade empire, and the said affairs will not intersect with the affairs of the kingdom, For I have commanded them never to discuss my empire with me. And I am nothing if not a man of honour and the truth always. Yea, does it make me and my hands tremendous.”

The King of the kingdom of Zico, neighbour to Trumpstantinople, heard the proclamation and said “What? Oh no, thou didsnt!”

*We now take a break from the regular chronicles to bring you a message from our Papyrus sponsor…hehehe…just joke of Chronicler and unique way to segue back to the land of Gambrach…*

Because, in the land of Gambrach, news reached the people that the coin of Daisy Annie was about to be confiscated by the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission. Yea, was Daisy Annie still not seen in the land, but it was said that the Everlies had found One gross, Half a Score and Three million Trumpetinion coins in her bank. Some rejoiced, some called it fake tidings, for it was a tremendous amount of money.

And back in Trumpetino, the King of Zico could no longer maintain his chill. “Listen here, the Trumpet” he began,”thou callest thyself a man of truth, yet thou lyest to the Trumpetinians. Trumpy why you lyin’? Oh my gawd! Tell me you lyin’? Thou lyest that thou wouldst build a wall and we the Zicans shall pay. Once have I said it, twice has my voice gone out. Now let it be known, that there is no gaddem way I shall be paying for thy focken wall.”

Whoooooooosh! That is a sound ye knowest. Tis a sound that tells you that throughout the land, throughout the gaddem stratos, there was not an iota of chill anywhere.

Nick Barber, Tom Hickman and Jeff King: Pulling the Article 50 ‘Trigger’: Parliament’s Indispensable Role

Reblogging for the language of the arguments in the piece and more so for the civility in the comments in spite of the highly contentious nature of the subject matter.

UK Constitutional Law Association

Barber-Hickman-KingIn this post we argue that as a matter of domestic constitutional law, the Prime Minister is unable to issue a declaration under Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty – triggering our withdrawal from the European Union – without having been first authorised to do so by an Act of the United Kingdom Parliament.  Were he to attempt to do so before such a statute was passed, the declaration would be legally ineffective as a matter of domestic law and it would also fail to comply with the requirements of Article 50 itself.

There are a number of overlapping reasons for this. They range from the general to the specific. At the most general, our democracy is a parliamentary democracy, and it is Parliament, not the Government, that has the final say about the implications of the referendum, the timing of an Article 50 our membership of the Union, and…

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Can A Governor’s Bank Account Be Frozen?

The EFCC has apparently frozen the Zenith Bank Account of the Ekiti State Governor, Ayodele Fayose. Since the news broke, debate has raged on whether or not the action is legal, given the provisions of our constitution on immunity for certain persons.

Here’s the Governor Announcing the Freeze

First of all, some non-controversial stuff.

The Constitution is Supreme

Sections 1(1) & 1(3) of the 1999 Constitution say –

1(1) – This Constitution is supreme and its provisions shall have binding force on all authorities and persons throughout the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

1(3) – If any other law is inconsistent with the provisions of this constitution, this constitution shall prevail, and that other law shall to the extent of the inconsistency be void.

There are restrictions on Legal Proceedings — Section 308, 1999 Constitution

“(1)(a)No civil or criminal proceedings shall be instituted against a person or continued against a person to whom this section applies during his period of office.

“(1)(b)A person to whom this section applies shall not be arrested or imprisoned during that period either on pursuance of the process of any court or otherwise.

“(1)(c) No process of any court requiring or compelling the appearance of a person to whom this section applies, shall be applied or issued.

“(3) This section applies to a person holding the office of President or Vice-President, Governor or Deputy-Governor…”

The EFCC, generally, can apply for bank accounts to be frozen

Section 34(1) of the EFCC Act reads as follows –

“Notwithstanding anything contained in any other enactment or law, the Chairman of the Commission or any officer authorised by him may, if satisfied that the money in the account of a person is made through the commission of an offence under this Act and or any of the enactments specified under section 7 (2) (a)-(f) of this Act, apply to the Court ex-parte for power to issue an order as specified in Form B of the Schedule to this Act, addressed to the manager of the bank or any person in control of the financial institution or designated non-financial institution where the account is or believed by him to be or the head office of the bank, other financial institution or designated non-financial institution to freeze the account.”

Here’s what the Form B looks like –

“Order remains in force until revoked”

People with immunity can be investigated

There’s a good account here of the case law that established that immunity from court proceedings isn’t immunity from investigation. It was the celebrated case of Fawehinmi v. Inspector General of Police (2002) 7 NWLR (Pt.767) 606, where the plaintiff sought an order compelling the defendant to investigate the governor of Lagos. The review has an interesting excerpt and I recommend the piece to the extent that it establishes that the immunity clauses of the constitution do not preclude investigations.

Where it starts to get murky…

i. Freezing Order. The procedure outlined for the EFCC here is to seek an order, via ex-parte injunction, permitting them to serve Form B on a financial institution. In making its application to the court to freeze the bank account of a sitting governor, the governor would have to be named in the court process as the Respondent. Can a sitting governor with immunity under the constitution be properly named in his personal capacity in any such proceedings? To put the question in a different way, if no proceedings can be brought in which a person enjoying immunity is a party, how can an order be validly sought and given under such proceedings?

ii. The nature of exparte injunctions. It is always helpful to go back to the philosophical basis of legal doctrines and tools. One of the pillars of justice is that both sides of a case must be heard prior to judgement. However, in cases where there is a real urgency (either of preserving a right or preventing a breach), one side may in the absence of the other (exparte) apply to the court to grant an injunction preventing an act. Exparte injunctions are “interim” orders granted pending the determination of a motion on notice, where both parties argue the particular issue (different from an “interlocutory” order, where a situation preserved until the substantive suit is concluded).

In the normal course of an exparte application, the appearance and participation of the respondent is both contemplated and required. Where the respondent is a governor with immunity privileges, it’s difficult to see the grounds for granting the order.

iii. Criminal Proceedings vs Civil Proceedings. While it is clear that Governor Fayose can be investigated for any crime, it is clearer that he cannot be subject to any proceedings in court. If neither criminal nor civil proceedings can be instituted against him, or his appearance compelled by any process of court, it goes to no issue to try to argue that seeking a court order does not amount to starting criminal proceedings. It is true that proceedings are either civil or criminal, but if neither can be brought against him, it serves no purpose to suggest that the court order is one or the other.

iv. Freezing Account =/= Investigation. We have established that the governor can be investigated. It has been argued by some that freezing his account is necessary to conduct the investigation. I do not think this is valid, for the following reasons — (i)fraud is proved by transactions, not the existence of a certain account balance. If Gov. X stole $20bn (America will know, mind you), put the money in his account and disburses it all before the EFCC shows up, does his empty bank balance absolve him? (ii) following from (i) the account does not need to be frozen for its history to be accessed or established. (iii) Governor Fayose is in office until 2018; is it the plan to freeze his accounts until then? As part of the ‘investigation’? Or as a prelude to trial?

Conclusion

To conclude, it will probably need to be confirmed by a further decision of the courts (only because it’s not explicitly spelt out in black and white already) but as far as I can see, it is illegal to freeze a sitting governor’s account because the procedure for obtaining the order to effect a freeze is incompetent.

Telephonic Trespass – To Lock or not to Unlock?

Lying in Bed

 

As more and more couples spend evenings sitting together, ostensibly watching the telly but rather, gazing into their respective handheld devices, sometimes with a smirk and others with an outright guffaw, the question is increasingly asked if one spouse is entitled to withhold access to his or her device from the other. (*NB, I’m not bachelor/spinster-phobic, feel free to replace ‘spouse’ with ‘partner’).

Phone Lock 3

It’s a question that probably has philosophical similarities with the older question of whether or not there should be any secrets between spouses. In our traditionally patriarchal society, the question was ‘should a man tell his wife everything?’. Growing up, I actually overheard a family friend say to parents at a gathering once, ‘it is a foolish man that tells his wife everything’. So, is it a foolish man that grants his wide unfettered access to his phone? Is it an overzealous wife that demands it?

 

I suppose the obvious answer is, well, you’re in a committed relationship, so unless you’re hiding your communications with a lover, why should your phone be off limits to your spouse? And it’s a valid question. According to the National Institute of Beer Parlour Statistics (NIBPS – beer with me), 78% of the people who discovered their partners were having affairs made the discovery on their partner’s phone or tablet. Undeleted messages, time-stamped pictures destroying alibis, call logs showing 15 calls in one day to Hakeem Barber (even though the man is bald).

Couple fighting over phone

It’s possible though for the affair being covered up not to be one in which the spouse with the locked phone is participating. NIBPS statistics suggest that 65% of the men who lock their phones do so to prevent their friends from being embarrassed. A friend may have sent a naughty picture or video and the husband doesn’t want his wife seeing his friend in that light. Sometimes, it’s also to protect the sanctity of the Vegas chatrooms – what’s said in Vegas stays in Vegas and all. The NIBPS Fidelity Report of 2015 actually draws a parallel between the Vegas chatrooms and the Cigar Clubs of the aristocracy – no spouses allowed. It’s like a confessional, where all the other men are joint and several confessors.

 

Women aren’t left out, even though the NIBPS statistics show that only 18% are fearful of their husbands wanting to look through their phones.  They also lock their phones for similar reasons.

Phone Lock 1

In all this however, there are those who declare that their spouses are expressly prohibited from touching, answering, swiping or otherwise attempting in any other manner howsoever expressed to unlock, access or otherwise retrieve information from their devices. These spouses (men, usually) are the envy of those who have not had the testicular fortitude to make such pronunciations in their own homes. In the homes of the envious men, it is known beyond doubt, reasonable or otherwise, that the highest appellate court in the household resides in the bosom of the wife, so there will be no prohibition.

 

How do the banners do it? Well, the NIBPS research has uncovered 2 categories of men who achieve prohibition successfully. The first employ means of harsh words and violence, both threatened and, quite sadly, demonstrated. Thankfully, the NIBPS puts their number at only 5% of the banners, as the means of enforcing the ban are simply not sustainable. Those with long-term success, the 97% (if you’re a Buharist) achieve it commercially, by buying it. New car? Check. New phone? Check. Trip with the girls and decent shopping money? Check. Check. Cheque.

 

And it makes sense, really. “The less one is able to meet one’s obligations, the more they will be held to account for their time.” Robert Mugabe, 1759.

 

So where does this leave us? If your spouse isn’t one of the 38% that don’t care and locked phones are the elephant in the room of your relationship, perhaps you should consider ditching your dirty laundry and your smutty friends. Or simply be rich.

The #ShariaBill – Barriers to Passage

This is the Bill before the Federal House of Representatives proposing an amendment to the provisions in the Nigerian constitution relating to the jurisdiction of Sharia courts. Screen Shot 2016-05-30 at 9.35.25 PM

Proposed by an Honourable Representative from Sokoto State, it seeks to expand the scope of the Sharia appeal court’s authority from personal law, to also include criminal law.

If the Bill were to pass as is, sections 262 and 277 of the constitution would read as follows (amendments emphasised) –

 

262 – The Sharia Court of Appeal shall, in addition to such other jurisdiction as may be conferred upon it by an Act of the National Assembly, exercise such appellate and supervisory jurisdiction on civil and criminal proceedings involving questions of Islamic personal law.

 

277 – The Sharia Court of Appeal of a State shall, in addition to such other jurisdiction as may be conferred upon it by the law of the State, exercise such appellate and supervisory jurisdiction on civil and criminal proceedings involving questions of Islamic personal law which the court is competent to decide…

For those who are not aware, “hudud” are the punishments, under Sharia law, believed to have been set by God. “Qisas” refers to retributive justice under Sharia law, in instances when a Muslim is murdered, suffers bodily injury or suffers property damage.

 

I do not think the bill can become law in its present form for the following constitutional reasons (though there are also questions to be asked about the place of such amendments in a secular state in the year 2016, but that’s a different matter altogether) –

 

  1. The requirements for amending the constitution –

According to section 9 of the constitution, for an amendment to pass, two-thirds of each house of the national assembly must first of all approve the amendment. Then, two-thirds of the houses of assembly in no less than two-thirds of the States of the Federation must also approve the amendment. Basically, if the amendment fails to pass in 13 States, it will have no effect. I do not think that the promoters of the Bill can get 24 states to approve the amendment.

 

  1. The Prohibition Against Adopting an Official Religion –

Section 10 of the constitution forbids the Federal Government and the government of any State from adopting any religion as State Religion. It’s hard to see how a State can mete out punishments based on religious crimes without being seen to have adopted the religion as its official religion.

 

  1. The Guarantee of Freedom of Religion –

In section 38, the constitution says everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion, including freedom to change their religious beliefs, and the freedom to propagate one’s religion. The proposed amendment does prescribe how a person might elect to have Islamic criminal law apply to him or her, leaving several important questions unanswered. Will the law apply to all States in Nigeria, or just a few? Will it apply to only Muslims, or to non-Muslims as well (since it is a matter of criminal law). Can Muslims opt out, given that they have the right to change their beliefs and religion? How about the fact that apostasy is a hudud crime?

 

  1. The Requirement for Crimes & Punishments to be Law

The constitution says (in section 36(12)) that, unless it says otherwise, a person can’t be convicted of a criminal offence unless that offence is defined and its penalty prescribed in a written Federal Act or State Law. This means that, to be of any consequence, the various hudud and qisas matters/punishments must be listed and passed into the criminal/penal code of a State or of the Federation.

 

  1. The Right to Freedom from Discrimination

It is also a provision of the constitution, that no citizen shall on the basis of ethnic group, sex, RELIGION, place of origin, etc., be subject to any restriction which people of other sexes, places of origin, or RELIGION are not subject. This, to my mind, would also extend to the restrictions placed on Muslims by virtue of Sharia criminal law. Thus, if the government attempted to levy a Sharia punishment on a citizen, he would be entitled to argue that it is unconstitutional, given that it is a punishment that does not apply equally to all citizens of Nigeria who commit the same offence.