The Chronicles of Chill: The Bobbiesian Epiphany

Thus did Electoralis minora take place in the Kingdom of Nambria. And yea, did Working Willie Wonka not only shew that he worketh, he was also a winner. He was thereafter known as Wonderful Winningly Working Willie Wonka. His opponents, Wonye West, Doka Cola and Bazil Oka, were all very magnanimous in their concession to Working Willie, for they had no choice. Behold, it was a sliding of lands victory, as House Apganistani reigned supreme in Nambria. And yea, did the people of Imolek look ruefully towards their neighbours in Nambria, for while they had only the erections of Roe Chazz to boast off, the Nambrarians had a Working Willie!

Lo, it was in that day, in the southern Freekah’n kingdom of Bobbiesia, that the long, long, long, long reign of old, old, old, old King Moo Garbage came to an end. In the early days of Bobbiesia, it was a supple and succulent land, flowing with milk bursting forth from the fertile areolae of the soil. This was at the time Moo Garbage led the revolution against the occupying Jandinian forces and prevailed, leading the people to crown him King.

But King Moo Garbage tasted and saw how sweet it was to drink from the goblet of the royal palaces. Like other Freekah’n kings, his hunger and thirst for power led him to ignore law of the quadrannium and remain in power at his leisure. But age catcheth up with tyrant and benevolent alike and King Moo Garbage suddenly saw that he was now four score and a baker’s dozen in age.

And King Moo Garbage purposed in his heart to give the keys of the kingdom to his wife, whose name was Ellie Gance, as an act of dynastic consummation of their love. “Ellie, my love, tis only thou I desire to leave the Kingdom. You will be Empress of Bobbesia and thy grace will be full.”

Yea, did Moo Garbage dismiss his hand, Ser MijinKagawa, who promptly fled the Kingdom and went into exile. But the Men of the Bobbiesian Gestappo and Armies were sorely displeased, for MijinKagawa was their guy. And lo, they rose like a swarm onto the streets of Bobbiesia, gently squeezing the people off the streets and the boldness out of Moo Garbage. “Ye must set forth at dawn!” they told the King.

“Are ye come to me in mutinous spirits?” asked King Garbage.

“Nay, oh King Moo. This is not a mutiny.”

“Then I command ye to return to thy quarters,” replied the King.

“Hahahahahahahaha! Thy humour has not gone the way of thy senses,” the army replied. “Seeest thou not, oh King, our great and shiny weapons pointed at thee?”

“Then, tis a mutiny. Ye are mutineers!” declared the King.

“Dwell not on the semantics of the occasion, Moo Garbage. Focus thou only on its conclusion – ye shall rule us no more.”

“Ye forget that I once came in like a wrecking ball,” said the King.

“Well, ye shall wreck us no more!”

And thus it was the reign of King Moo Garbage came to an end, and the streets of the Bobbiesian capital, Her Wire-ay, were filled with jubilation. MijinKagawa was declared King in Moo Garbage’s stead, and his very first words were, “Not believe own eye of MijinKagawa. King, biyotches!!!”

Meanwhile, in the Kingdom of Gambrach, the kingdom of the chronicles, electoralis federalis was again at hand. One by one, the lords of House Apicuria declared a very much alloyed support for Gambrach’s contest for a second quadrannium. At the head of these declarations was Shiwajun, who was heard to say that Gambrach ought not assume that he would automatically be the choice of the Apicurians for electoralis. “Ye all know King Gambrach. He is a good and kind and benevolent King. He surely would never impose himself on us Apicurians, would he?”

Lo, news then came to the Twilistines, that Atikarias had deserted House Apicuriam and returned to House Padipalia, in the biggest open secret since the invention of the oxymoron. It shook him not that even after shredding the Pentiumz parchment, the kingdom’s sherriffs had revoked the papiers durosibi of some of the foreign workmen at Pentiumz, forcing them to return to their homes. Atikarias was going to seek to contend at Electoralis for House Padipalia, for the nine hundredth and sixty-seventh time. For yea it was said, that nine hundred and sixty eight is a charm.

And behold, there was a rustling of unchill, for many in Twilistia and Social Mediana were not soft of heart towards Atikarias.

Yea, did further news come to the people, from senatii, that the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission , in celebration of the feast of the Virgin Birth, had taken amongst themselves the two hundred buildings they confiscated from Oje Marina on behalf of the Kingdom. Lo, they denied it.

And yea, did the rustle of unchill become a rumbling of unchill because, gaddem! Two hundred???

Lo, the final straw was the denial of Bar Kar, Gambrach’s head Lawman (the N is silent), that he wrote the parchment ushering Oje Marina back into the King’s service. This followed his prior admission that he had voyaged to visit Oje Marina in exile in Doo Bahee. “Which is worse to admit, dude?” the people asked him. “Thou already admitest breaking bad with Oje Marina – what then is a mere parchment?”

And there was no gaddem chill in the kingdom but Gambrach was unaware of anything.

Yea, then came news from the oceans that 2 dozen maidens had perished, fleeing from the kingdom. Behold was there no word from Bedrock for 3 days and 4 nights. For Gambrach was oblivious to all. And the Twilistines asked Lady Bee Ree, Gambrach’s scribe for matters of those who had seen the light and fled the kingdom, “Oh, Bee Ree and ye scribes and councillors of Gambrach, see ye not how thy damsels perish?” Wherefore Bee Ree asked of them, “Huh?”

Yea, was she roasted in the ensuing unchill.

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The Chronicles of Chill: Erecktaillo Dyzfunctionalis

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The people of Great Iron Bank of Brettonwoodsiana heard the words of Lady Kem Shun and the words filled them with alarm. “On the borrowments, thou needest to cool down a little”, they told her, to which Kem Shun replied, “Man’s not hot, though!”

In the faraway Kingdom of Kossisee, the people were under the reign of King Jay-Kurrb. Unlike Kings Mandillas and Beckie who ruled before him, King Jay-Kurb was not much loved of his people. He believed in the mystical power of his bathtub to save him from post-coital leprosy, for it was made by famous tub carver Naman Jordan. And yea, was Jay-Kurrb also highly pilferous, and lo did he have 40 score charges of corruption pending against him with the magistrates – the first King of Kossisee to be so accused. But Jay-Kurrb was to find redemption in the Imolekkite kingdom of Ro Chazz.

Like Jay-Kurrb, Ro Chazz also found it hard to win the love of his people. He boasted of spoiling them with the best of the best of infrastuctural delights, but yea were there none to be seen. And when King Ro Chazz heard of the difficulties of King Jay-Kurrb, he decided to summon him over to Imolek for a day of feasting and debauchery. Jay-Kurrb voyaged to Imolek and yea, like the ancient prophet Ferris Beuller, he had a hell of a day off.

Lo, did they party and feast and Jay-Kurrb was conferred with the highest prefecture of the Imolekkites. And behold, at the end of the day, just before he departed for Kossissee, Ro Chazz called him aside.

“Jay-Kurrb!”, Ro Chazz called.

“Barrddest!”, came the reply.

“Jay-Kurrb!!!”

“Barrdesst!!!”

“Jay-Kurrb, I have a huge erection for you. Come outside let me show you.”

And Jay-Kurrb went outside and saw that Ro Chazz had erected a huge, shiny golden statue. “Oh Ro Chazz, I’m honoured, but what wilt thy pensioners whose pensions thou has halved say?”

“They can shovituptheirezz. I am proud of my big, shiny erection for thee!”

And of course, there was no chill in the Kingdom. Behold, even in Kossissee, there was an eruption of mirthful unchill, for they could not fathom it. “Keep Jay-Kurrb and let us have the gold statue in his place, for this wouldest be of greater use to us.”

Gambrach could see the mercury of the Unchillometer pushing through to new highs and knew that something had to be done. “Come hither, my council. It seemeth that we lose the love and chill of the people. How canst we turn za tide?”

“Oh Gambrach most gracious and fragrantly divine” said FemCallamitus, “Let me tell thy people of my love for thee yet again. I am sure it will turn their hearts.”

“Ah, FemCallamitus, alas that is all thou art useful for. I need real solutions, however.”

“Sire, a lot of the unchill cometh from South Easteros,” said Osinoshin. “Shall we dazzle them with your Easterophilia?”

“Aha! Good idea!”

“Wilst thou go into South Easteros to shew them thy love? Remember, electoralis is at hand in Nambria.”

“I? South Easteros? Never, wallahi! I shall send thee in my place. Behold, I depart for Constantinople even. Peace out.” And he ascended into the winged chariot with Lady Yeeshah, who had just emerged from the other room.

And so Osinoshin sighed and set out for Nambria. As he departed Bedrock, Gar Bar and FemCallamitus sent pigeons across the 37 kingdoms to let the people know that 40 years after the Frabanian rebellion, the lovely and magnanimous Gambrach had decided to approve the payment of gratuity to the Frabanian Legion, “…for he loveth thee!”

And when Osinoshin reached Nambria, he also announced to the people that Gambrach had physically trekked across the seven hills and swum the seven lagoons to reach the Iron Bank, to secure 2 gatrillion trumpetistani shekels to build a second bridge over troubled waters, so they could lay themselves down, “…for he loveth thee!”

But Osinoshin’s squire, unaware of the love-showing plan, sent a corrigendum out into the Kingdom. It was not trumpetistani shekels – it was the coin of the Kingdom. Yea, did the people hear it and lo, was there nary a gaddem speculum of chill in the land.

The Chronicles of Chill: Voyage to Jandinia

There was a gnashing of teeth in the land as the spirit of Har Thy Known ravaged the Kingdom.

The people grew weary of the absence of their King and encamped around Bedrock to demand news of his ailment and what the meisters had said was the affliction.

The Beacons of Lie[t] in Bedrock sought to illuminate the minds of the people. “Have ye already forgotten the bootyliciousness of Daisy Annie?” they asked. “Are ye not bothered at the gajillions of shekels which we have shown ye somewhat that she stuffed into her booty?”

“Nay!” the people answered. “Give us news of what ails our king and when he returneth in his glorious and majestic swaggerliciousness. Pretend King Osinoshin is great guy but the kingdom drifteth further and further into pretence.”

So the Beacons sent one of their number unto the people, to speak with Thankful Peacock of the Char Knells. Her name was Gyretta, for she had a fondness for the white sap of gyration from the tree of the palm.

And Thankful Peacock asked her, “Dost thou not think the time has come for ye Beacons of Lie[t] to reveal the truth about King Gambrach’s health?”

And Gyretta replied, “Verily, we say unto thee with utmost veracity, the King recovereth everyday and as ye are witnesses, the Pretend King holdeth the fort.”

“What recoverest he from, though?” asked Thankful Peacock.

“A private ailment, gaddemit! The King is private guy in a public office, undergoing a private convalescence in publicly funded quarters, eating private food provided with public money, receiving private treatment from the Jandinian meisters at the public’s expense. It’s private, gaddemit, don’t you get it? Ye would do well to refrain from insulting him further with this quest for transparency.”

Yea, did Gambrach hear of her exploits all the way in Jandinia and commanded, “Let Gyretta come unto me, for she has done much heavy labour. She deserveth some rest. Let FemCallamitus come as well, for though he writeth gibberish, I know he doeth it for the love of the game.”

Behold, thus it was that the Beacons of Lie[t], namely, Lar-Yi, Gar Bar, FemCallamitus, Gyretta (the scribes of Gambrach) and Bee Ree (Gambrach’s Adviser on Those Who Had Seen The Light and Escaped the Kingdom) all got on a ship and sailed to Jandinia.

On arriving at the Jandinian Docks, they ran into many of the kings from the 36 kingdoms, who had also come to see the King.

“How is my beloved King, most Davidic, Solomonic and merciful?” asked FemCallamitus. It was King Ro Chazz of Imolek that answered, “Yea, our King is bam! And behold, his pet dog – SenseofHumour – is now so frisky, he has put it on a leash. Ye can scratch SenseofHumour behind its ears or tummy. Such a mischievous puppy, it filleth the room with laughter.”

“Oh, how I have missed SenseofHumour in Bedrock!” exclaimed Gar Bar.

“A word of caution though”, said King Jimobite of Oyossinia. “Ye must now pay an admission fee to gain an audience with King Gambrach.”

“Why?” asked Bee Ree

“Have ye not heard? His audiences are now managed by the famous Madam Two Swords establishment.”

“Our King is so brilliant. He earneth coin for the Kingdom even in his convalescence.” said FemCallamitus.

And so the Beacons paid the entrance fee to Madam Two Swords to see King Gambrach. Gambrach greeted them with a dazzling smile. While they had expected to see him wearing his brown robes of convalescence, they were overcome with joy seeing him in a holy white, majestic tunic. Lar-Yi was so overcome with joy that the spasms racked his body and he doubled over in rapturous pain.

“Outer Bah Your” said Gambrach, and Moborius emerged, clad in the Spartan Belts of Leonidas, and he quickly painted the portrait of the King and the Beacons.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, SenseofHumour jumped on Lar-Yi, licking his face as he wagged his tail in earnest canine playfulness. The whole room burst into laughter. “Ah, SenseofHumour” chuckled Lar-Yi, “I thought they said you’d been put on a leash now.”

Yea, did another puppy run into the room, this time rubbing itself against Bee Ree’s legs and rolling over on its back, indicating it wanted to be tickled.

“Your Majesty has a new dog?” asked Gar Bar.

“Yes. When the meisters commanded me to remain here until they released me, they realised that SenseofHumour, who had been doing so well, was going to be lonely. So they gave me another dog to keep him company.”

“What is this new dog called?” asked Gyretta.

“His name is Banters” replied the King.

And yea, did they revel in the presence of their lord. And when they emerged from his presence, filled anew with vigour and love, and the people asked news of the King, Lar Yi responded, “It pleaseth me to tell ye that the King is hearty. Behold his SenseofHumour and Banters were thoroughly on point.”

“ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT WHEN COMETH HE BACK? WILL HE NOT EVEN SEND WORD TO US?”

And the Beacons of Lie[t] looked at each other and in unison, closed their eyes, stuck their fingers in their ears and said the magic words “Ne ne ne ne ne ne ne ne.”

Yea, did they vanish away from the people.

The people were incensed. And there was no gaddem chill.

Chronicles of Chill: The Bootyliciousness of Daisy-Annie

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Brethren, there continued to be unchill in the land. And across the Kingdoms, the people dared the gods, unmindful of the plagues of Gitis and flood with which they had struck the kingdoms of Gideria and Zamfarawayland for excessive illicit coitus. Yea, did they continue in their unbridled debauchery, breaking fornicatomatic records, pushing the needle of the fornicatometer to levels unseen since records began. And yea, did the gods unleash even an even greater deluge of floods upon the kingdoms. Behold, these floods were more dire than many had seen, submerging chariots. And the gods of subterranea were also vexed and regurgitated all the filth they had hidden and wawu, it was a fecund mess in the streets.

And the people cried, “Where is our King, that he might make intercessions and supplication unto the gods on our behalf? Oh, what a most useless and ineffectual king is Gambrach the Vanished!”

Their cries went unto Bedrock, into the chambers of the scribe FemCallamitus, who had been silent for many moons (having no gaddem king to or royal activities to record in the scrolls) and was green with envy at the acclaim that Dr Who, who was not even a courtesan, had received with his song in the Book of Face. Yea, had Dr Who received a commendation from Lady Yeeshah, as she joined her alto to Dr Who’s soprano.

“I have been silent for too gaddem long,” thought FemCallamitus to himself. “I am one of the top scribes of Gambrach my Lord and tis I who should write his canticles. When my King unvanishes, my song shalt be number one on the Gambrachian Griotic Charts. Yea, shall it be platinum.” And then he wrote, like a Kenneth Rojas.

Everyone considers him the worst King of the kingdom

He never stood a single time to prove the kingdom wrong

His Momma named him Gambrach but folks just called him Vanished

Something inside tells me, they’re reading Gambrach wrong

He’s weak like once King David was and spat on by Shimei

Shimei looked at David and concluded that he was dead

But like the sword of Abishai was given word by Sully

When my Gambrach cometh back, he’s going to chop your head. 

Gambrach my King, you remain the only one to save us all from trouble in the land; And even though you’re weak please don’t turn the other cheek, Oh Gambrach you are old but understand, you’ve gotta chop off heads when you’re a man.

And the people heard the song of FemCallamitus and laughed hard at his nincompoopery. Poopy Poopery.

And yea, in the midst of their mirth, news came to the people from Trumpstantinople of the booty of Daisy-Annie. You see, before Daisy-Annie became Gejoshaphat’s councillor for petrolatum, her booty was of a modest size. She had worked for Mollusca and her booty was nicely and judiciously oiled at the time. Lo, everything was nice and squeezy clean.

Alas, she met two men, whose actions contaminated the booty of Daisy-Annie. Their names were Luko Skywalker and Ko-Ray the Jedi. They promised Daisy-Annie a bigger and shinier booty if she used her powers as councillor to ensure they got the largest petrolatum harvesting fields of the kingdom’s petrolatum for their ventures.

Behold, she acquiesced to their request and maigheeeurd, did they inflate her booty. Not only did they fill her chest, they ensured she had the finest of castles and palaces.

However, the men were wreckless and spent like sailors. Alarmed, Daisy-Annie said to Luko Skywalker, “Spend not with such unchill. Why buyest thou a ship when thou canst hire it for only a short while?”

But Ko-Ray used his Jedi mind tricks on her. And she ceased in her admonitions. And yea, was her booty fattened even more such that her bootyliciousness breached the legal limit in Trumpstantinople.

“How much is this booty?” the people asked with great concern.

“It is a great and tremendous number.” said the Trumpetistani constables.

“How great and tremendous?” they pressed, “for we are wary of fake news from way down yonder.”

“Be assured the news is genuine and non-spicered. And ensure that ye are seated to hear the number, for it is several hundred millions of Trumpetistani shekels.”

“SEVERAL HUNDRED MILLION WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?”

The apostles heard of it. And there was not a gaddem speculum of chill in the entire kingdom!

​Notes from Westeros – what we learned from S7E1 by @EditiEffiong

Spoiler alert: if you haven’t seen Game of Thrones Season 7, Episode 1, stop right here
Game of Thrones returned on Monday morning (Sunday for the lucky Americans), and it is everything we were expecting. We said our reluctant bye byes in season 6 after Cersei mass murdered every Sunday School teacher in Westeros,  so it was only fair the new season opened with some mass murder. And lawd, they were murdered.
The season opener was perfect, surely left a taste for what is to come. These are my thoughts from the S7 E1.
Cersei has done some redecorating around the throne room. We may not like Cersei, but we can all agree, the place was due some sprucing up. We all love the new Kings Guard uniform.

The Seven Pointed Star has been replaced by a Lannister Simba, and the top King’s Guard uniform screams murder

 

Arya Stark loves killing people. Remember when she was about to kill Walter Frey, she’s said the last face he’d see is that of a Stark, smiling down at him. Smiling!
Then after murdering the entire Frey clan, guess what was on her face? A smile. And when she talked about killing Cersei? She laughed.
I’m really worried that the young Stark girl may be so far gone, only killing brings her joy. In which case, we’re in a lot of trouble, when she is done killing everyone on her list.

I just murdered a hundred Freys. So sway!

The Meisters of the Citadel really need to stop eating beans. One would think men so wise would learn to eat less laxative foods. Except they’re just eating beans to spite poor old Sam Tarly.

All this shit? For what???

 

Brienne really needs to move on from her crush on the golden handed Lannister, so she can see the love Tommund has waiting for her. Considering Tommund is heading away to the wall, and likely will die there, she needs to hurry. And hurry fast.

Brienne, ne ma nya

Who doesn’t love Lady Mormont? She’s everything Westeros needs right now, if the war against the Night King is to be won. And when the war is over, they should her bring the head of the Night King. But knowing Lady Mormont, she just might be the one to chop off the icy head of the Night King.

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Una too talk! If to say na me born the dragons ehn…!!!

And Cersei again. Often, we are forced to admit Cersei’s brilliance, even though she’s a downright despicable human being. But in this episode, she displays uncharacteristic naïveté in still thinking Tyrion, her brother, murdered Jeoffrey. And her pointless hatred for Sansa Stark beggars belief. It’s this naive, us-against-the-world attitude that convinces that when her end comes, not many will mourn her.

But then, this is GOT, and we’ve seen stories change. Who would have thought The Hound could become a meek, praying, vision seeing, brother of the light?

Chronicles of Chill: The Voice – Season Two

The clouds of unchill continued to swirl over the Kingdom and behold a heavy thunderstorm of unchill rained down on the house of Dinobetes Mellitus.

Dinobetes had loved Abushola, the warden of senatii but hated the king of his own lesser kingdom, Kogitamia.

King Yaya Bellows of Kogitamia despised not being the beloved of Dinobetes. Yea, he saw Dinobetes grab Abushola and throw him in the air as he had thrown others before and hated that he the king had not been so royally manhandled.

And so he proclaimed, “Wahala Morghulis shall not end, for I shall unleash it on House Mellitus and have the people expel Dinobetes from senatii.”

Lo, did the men of Bellows traverse the kingdom collecting the signatures of the enfranchised. For it was the law of the land that if half their number petitioned the Commisar of Electoralis and affirmed their loss of faith in a member of the senatii at a referendum, the member would #Sexit.

“Maigheeeurd!” exclaimed Dino, as the petition of his constituents reached the Commisar. “What wouldst become of me if I sexit senatii? I must find a Pharisee versed in the law to save me.”

Yea, did he instruct Michaelangelo, a mighty man of the silk to counter-petition the courts on account of the men of Bellows breaking into tombs, placing quills in the decomposed hands of the dead and scrawling signatures on the petition. Necrocalligraphy at its peak.

And lo, it had been a season of fasting and prayer in the land. For 30 days, the people of the Great Prophet had fasted and as the 30 days ended it was time to break the fast with feasting and merriment.

It was the custom in the Kingdom for the King to declare the feast commenced and the people wondered if it would be the Pretend King that would speak to them.

But nay, Gar Bar, co-head scribe to Gambrach with FemCallamitus, announced that he was bringing an audial word from Gambrach.

And yea, the Lovengers were delirious.

And behold, the people gathered with their mats and popcorn all over the Kingdom to hear the voice of their long lost King.

Lo, was it like the time of Mah Roo, when he convalesced in Sah Oud and also sent an audial word unto the people, as Shegolas asked him, “Mah Roo, doth thou yet live & breathe?”

At last the hour of delivery came but yea, half of the people comprehended it not, as Gambrach spoke in the native tongue of the Fullanisters. It was a puzzlement. It was a formentor of unchill.

“Behold, the voice of thy King!” said Gar Bar.

But the people remembered the word of the singing prophets, Magic Système, which said “premier gâou n’est pas gâou…” and the words of former King of Trumpetistan, Giorgios Bushellopoulos, “…fool me twice, can’t get fooled again.” And they cried, “Noooo!!!!”

“Gambrach speaketh not with the rapidity of the audial. This audial was not punctuated with the kingly pauses and “uhhhh” of which our King speaketh. Furthermore, how be it that his first word to the kingdom in two score days and ten, wert not in Inglesius, which the whole kingdom comprehendeth? We shall not be deceived!”

And there was not a gaddem speculum of chill in the entire kingdom.

The Chronicles of Chill: By Their Fruits Ye Shall Know Them

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Brethren, there was finally chill in the land. It was not the chill that passeth understanding for this chill was well understood. It was the chill of the drama that bowled the kingdom off its feet. It was a stage drama scripted by the Orwellian playwright, Monsieur Beegue Braw Thurr of Paris.

For 3 score and 1 and a half dozen days, Beegue Braw enthralled the kingdom with its array of thespians, with names such as the kingdom had never seen before and behold, there was a grand prize for the greatest actor in the play. The people forgot about King Gambrach, who had said and done and was seen very little since he returned from Jandinia. Lo, Gambrach said it unto the people that he would be returning to the Jandinian meisters to perfect his convalescence and yea, was it greeted with a cacophony of silence. An almighty kerfuffulous scandal broke, showing the debauchery of malabootay and yea, was it unlooked by all and sundry, and there was chill.

Brethren, yea was it the season of the ancient prophet Flow Rider and the lost tribe of the whistle blowers. Behold, they blew his whistle baby, whistle baby and let the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission know about vast swathes of coin stolen by officials of the Kingdom. The brotherhood of the Flow Riders blew hard, for an inheritance was promised unto them that revealed. And the whistles only blew of Gejoshaphatic pilferage, for the Kingodm of Gambrach was upright and holy.

And there was chill in the land.

But then, the spirit of the Tword swept through the kingdom and saw the people in a state of unprecedented sub-chill. So happy and chilled were they and so bereft of the burdens of the kingdom had they become that unmarried many and unmarried man clung to women that were neither their wives and copulated in unbridled chillaxation. Such unbridled coitusification rose as a stench and the spirit of the Tword was so displeased that it sent a plague upon the the fetid fields of fornication.

Or so it was said by Ree Yah, the king of the lesser kingdom of ZamfarawayLand, which worst struck by the plague. And yea, was it a plague of Jye-Tiss. King Ree Yah was confounded by the plague and enquired of the court vizirs the source of the scourge. And he went into prayer himself, where it was revealed to him that the plague was sent upon the land because the fornicatometer had passed 40 forns (the metric unit of measurement). “My people, the spirit of the Tword is displeased and we have offended him sorely with our combustions of the flesh. This scourge of Jye-Tiss is upon us for we have exceeded 40 forns. We shall appease the spirit, as is the custom of our state, by the king taking a new teenage bride. And then we must do our best to keep our fornicatometer between 19 and 35 forns only, lest we be visited with another plague.”

And even then, brethren, there was only a mild, fleeting unchill. For the people watched the play of Beegue Braw Thurr. Until the play ended and the actors all exited left. Then, the chief scribe of Gejoshaphat (thou rememberest him, surely), Roo Ben dug out his quill and wrote of the play of Monsieur Beegue.

“My soul magnifies all the gods old and new for the ending of the play of Monsieur Thurr, for it was a gaddem distraction from the whinings of the kingdom. Never have I, Roo Ben, seen such a bad play about grocery in my life. For I know my onions. And I know my fruits. And I know too well when fruit oligarchs masquerade their products with sultry satire.

“In the play of Monsieur Beegue, there were lost of bananas on display. SoLah TiDoh, one of the lady actors, loved the bananas of her male counterparts quite openly. But they were bad bananas. How do I know this? Because I also have a banana. And while I was in the king’s court, I received praise for my premium banana, disbelieving the lies of those who claimed they had seen better bananas. In fact, my banana was once thought to be a plantain and another a cucumber. The cucumber person was colour blind in their left eye though.

“And then there was Left-Eye, the posh actress of mixed heritage who put her fruits on display, claiming that they were fruits that were loved by the high-flying men of the winged chariots in the sky. Gurrrrl, because of my time in the king’s court, I know a thing or two about the favoured fruit of the frolicking affluents. I have seen better fruit than Left Eye had to offer. I see better fruit all the gaddem time. And unlike the downward pointing mangoes and oranges Left Eye put on display, the men of the flying chariots prefer pumpkins and watermelons and coconuts.

“You see, to be a man of discernment is a lifetime’s work. And I have developed quite a taste for fruit. A man of discernment knows his fruits.”

And mygheeeeeurd, did unchill return with a righteous vengeance! Behold, there was no gaddem chill in the entire kingdom!

The Chronicles of Chill: The El-Farquaadian Gambit

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The Day of Kingsleycost had put a spring in the step of the spinning quills. FemCallamitus had a particularly springy bounce in his step. He was full of song and daily refilled his lamp with the oil of hope, like the wise virgins of yore. “My bridegroom, King Gambrach, cometh for me, surely!” he sang, with great expectations. “Will you be ready? Will you be ready? Will you be ready when my Lord shall come?”

Behold, his expectations were not cut short. For like a thief in the night, though he was not one and his arrival was not in the night but early when the cock crowed at dawn, Gambrach returned to the Kingdom from Jandinia in his winged chariot.

The evil detractor-enemies from Padipalia and beyond had rented huge bellows and yea, they orchestrated a heavy gust of wind to blow Gambrach of his feet as he descended from his chariot. However, Gambrach was full of Jandinian fortification and though the bellows blew and caused him to sway and stagger, the King stood firm. And the all Lovengers exclaimed, “Oh what a great and stiff standing of the King! The greatest and stiffest standing the Kingdom has ever seen! How blessed we are to have a King so stiff and firm, against the bellows of the haters!”

Lo, as the King arrived, the scribes of the Kingdom gathered to welcome him. Yea, were there scribes from beyond the Kingdom even, for his long absence had become a source of consternation for the entire global world. “Welcome, O King,” they greeted him. “It gladdens our hearts to see thee back from thy flossing and chilling and big pimping in Jandinia.”

“My what?” asked Gambrach clearly puzzled.

“Thy shooting of the breeze” they responded, “for it was the word of FemCallamitus (who by the way, spake not with thee until Kingsleycost) that thou wert not infirm. Twas also the word of Lar Yi that thou wert hale and hearty. His Highness must therefore have been hanging out with his Jandinian homeboys.”

“Ye mock me, surely” said the King, “for since I was young, yea unto my geriatry of present, I cannot recall a time when I was more infirm!”

“Oh, wawu! So art thou taking over from Pretend King Osinoshin yet?”

“Nay, he shall yet be Pretend King a few days more. For my journey was long and fatiguing. Behold, I have yet more recovery to recover.”

However, very quickly, Gambrach decided the time for Osinoshin’s pretence was over and he came back into the throne room. And lo, as he ingressed the room, the entire council of the Kingdom was there – his ministers and the lesser kings. So, he shook the hand of the nearest councillor and accepted the warm remarks of welcome, then made for the throne. However, he heard the gentle song of the councillor standing beside the one whose hand he had shaken. It was a soft and piercing song of supplication, “Gambrach, Gambrach, here my humble cry! While some others thou art shaking, do not pass me by!”

Gambrach rolled his eyes, for all he wanted to do was sit and preside over the council. Now they were all singing it and he had to shake all their fricking hands. And so he shook them one by one, until none had been passed by. But then he saw that one may have indeed been passed by, or was perhaps not in the room.

“Where is El-Farquaad?” he asked Balavida. “In the Land of the Nethers, your Grace.” came the reply. “Hmmmmm…”

The following day, the time came again for Magoo to defend his prefecture of the Everly Failing at Convictions Commission before the senatii under the wardenship of Abushola. Kyocera had snitched on Magoo’s ess like crazy the last time but the King had returned and Magoo was down with the King, so he was confident.

“Why shouldest we affirm thee as Prefect of the Everlies? Thou art everly failing, after all.”

“My Lords senateens, ye may yet change our name, for the commission faileth not anymore. We have recovered vast vaults of coin stolen from the Kingdom. Behold, the magistrates have convicted former king Jabal of the kingdom of Mah Wah and sentenced him to half a decade in prison. Our noose tightens against many of ye senateens before whom I seek affirmation today. Affirm me with haste, that I may procure thy incarceration with uncompunctious despatch.”

“We see thou comest today with a bagful of jokes, Magoo” said Abushola “dost thou want to be prefect or a mouth of basket?”

“Perhaps, Lord Warden, he might tell us exactly how much he recovereth” volunteered a senateen.

“My Lords, I cannot tell thee the number. As we were counting the recovered coin, we reached the upper limit of our numerology. The numbers as we know them finished. Just know ye this, that it is a HUGE amount of coin.”

Magoo expected to receive his affirmation then. Alas, Kyocera and the Deliverance Squad Squadron had delivered yet another word for Magoo, proclaiming him unfit for the prefecture. And the people were puzzled. For Kyocera and Magoo were both courtiers of the King. “Perhaps they are gladiators and senatii is the arena and Gambrach pits them against each other for the kingdom’s amusement” the people mused.

There was also more puzzlement as the Trumpet blew yet again in Trumpstantinople. The Trumpet had just accused the former king of tapping his booty during their electoralis and then was visited by Queen Mer Kel of Allemagne. King the Trumpet and Queen Kel addressed the people jointly and as they finished, the people called for the customary clasping of royal hands. “Grab her hand, grab her hand!” the people demanded. But the King in his tremendous and bigly wisdom demurred. “Okay, grab her pou sea, grab her pou sea!” they suggested in the alternative. At this point, the revelation became hazy and the chronicler had to put down his quill.

And as the quill went back into the ink pot, the voice of the Tword commanded, “pick it back up gaddemit, for unchill cometh!” So the chronicler obeyed and opened his eyes to the revelation.

Behold, there was a rumbling of unchill in the kingdom, as several copies of a cluster of parchments were distributed across the kingdom by the Kalahari Pseudojourns. Was it a new play by a famous playwright? It certainly had an intriguing title  – “Thou Fallest My Hand, Bruh!” but it was no play. It was an epistle from King El-Farquaad of Dunamis to King Gambrach. And it was two score and ten gaddem pages long! Luckily, the voice of the Tword abridged the epistle for the chronicler. And it read thus –

“THOU FALLEST MY HAND, BRUH (for reals)

Thou fallest my hand, bruh. Thou promised change to the people but in the words of the great bard Amaru, ‘Change? I guesseth change be good for any of us, whatever it taketh to get up out of thy farm. I’m with thee, I ain’t mad at thee…’ I ain’t mad at thee for thou anointest my head with oil and made me king. But thou fallest my hand bruh with the dud change and if the people be mad at thee, they be mad at me too.

“Dude! Why be-est thou aloof? Why chinnest thou Shiwajun and the convocation from which thy reign arose? Why givest thou Kyocera and Balavida the audacity to feel like they running things? Those homeboys are rude, naive, uncouth, inexperienced, clueless and just generally bad news. Thou cautionest them not, and thou fallest my hand, bruh.

“I believe in you bruh, but everything be falling apart under your reign. You my dawg and errthang but unless you bring your A-Game, we are going to lose the throne. The other sheets in this epistle are my blueprint for the turnaround. Don’t let Balavida or Kyocera get their hands on them – if you do that, you be falling my hand again, bruh. Anyways, I hope you get this, man, hit me back
Just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan, this is Stan Farquaad.”

It probably helped not that El-Farquaad was away in the Land of the Nethers when the epistle went into circulation but, my gheeeeuuuuurd, there was no gaddem chill in the land!

 

 

VEXIT: A Different Referendum Tale

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The people of Nigeria finally got their wish. After many constitutional conferences with the famous ‘no-go’ areas, where everything could be discussed apart from the things that had any impact whatsoever on Nigeria’s constitutional status as “…one indivisible and indissoluble sovereign nation under God…” there was finally going to be referendum. The people were going to be asked a simple, question – “Should Nigeria remain in its current geographical state?” – to which they would answer a simple Yes, or No.  “If a simple majority of the people vote No,” the President said, “then Nigeria as we know it shall be no more.”

 

The people were divided into Yesmen and Nono camps and it seemed from very early on that the Nonos had wider support from the public. A date was fixed for the referendum and in addition to strategizing on voting patterns, some groups thought it wise to begin to forge alliances ahead of the poll. Very quickly though, there was a protest from the South-East. “It is an outrage that we have only 5 constituent states”, its leaders said. “We cannot vote on the basis of a simple majority of the total number of voters. Rather, each region should be considered as one vote, based on how the majority of its indigenes vote. Like Big Brother Africa or CokeStudio.”

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The other regions quickly agreed. It seemed reasonable enough until someone pointed out that there were 6 regions, with nothing agreed on what would happen in the event of a tie. “If there’s a tie, the President should have the casting vote,” volunteered the North West, which by sheer coincidence, of course, was where the President was from. “It would be an outrage for there to be any other conclusion.” Of course, all the other regions were outraged and none of them agreed to this bizarre proposal, so a neutral umpire was proposed. It was decided that Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, leading African statesman, enemy of the European Imperialist, would be entrusted with the casting vote in the event of regional deadlock. In addition to his pan-Africanism, Old Rob was also known for the many made up quotes attributed to him. The Nigerians figured it would be nice to have him quoted as having made some other bizarre remark about Nigeria. Very quickly though, to sweeten him up, emissaries from all the regions were dispatched in private jets to Harare, laden with ice-cream of different flavours. His love of ice-cream was a notorious fact.

 

One day to the referendum, it seemed like all the objections were over and the referendum would finally go ahead. However, just as the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, hickory-dickory dock, the South-West leaders, armed with 217 Senior Advocates of Nigeria, marched to the Supreme Court to file a motion for injunction, of utmost national importance. They were outraged, for there had been rumours that large numbers of people were moving in from Chad and Niger to take part in the referendum. The South Western leaders wanted the referendum deferred until the National Identity Card project was completed and it was clear who the foreigners were.

Very quickly, the Association of Chadian and Nigerien Immigrants (ACNI) filed their own counter-petition. They sought to invoke their fundamental human rights of not being discriminated against on the basis of the place of their origin. The case was struck out for the obvious reason that the rights guaranteed by the constitution were guaranteed to Nigerians only. “I find that these nomads have no locus to bring this action and strike it out for being absolutely incompetent and lacking in merit” was the ruling of the Judge.

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However, the use of the word “nomad” by the judge had pissed some leaders off across the entire spectrum of the North. So, they appealed the judgement, alleging that it showed the judiciary to be biased against all persons of whom nomadism was a feature of their culture.

By this time, the South South had grown weary of the squabbling and its leaders took out full pages in all the national newspapers to complain about the plot of the rest of Nigeria to frustrate and truncate the referendum, with the aim of keeping their fangs sucking the blood of oil from the flesh of their land. They urged the other regions to stop faffing about and to get the show on the road.

 

The next day, a major pipeline was bombed by the South South Justice League Avengers Squad. They issued a statement on their website, giving an ultimatum. They would blow up a new pipeline every week until the referendum was held.

 

The President, though determined not to be seen as meddling, knew he had to intervene and set a firm date for the referendum, as the brewing crisis threatened to boil over. He called a meeting of all the State Governors, with the hope that they would be able to calm down their respective constituencies if he gave them certain assurances.

 

“Your Excellencies, the eyes of the world are on us. We need to get our people to stop behaving like dogs and baboons. Their blood is too hot at the moment. We must calm down the polity.” The Governors knew the President was right and resolved amongst themselves to do what was necessary to facilitate the referendum. The first of those things, was to prevail on all the camps in litigation to withdraw their petitions and commit to a new date for the referendum. The rose from the meeting, issued a communique to the press and left the president feeling happy and fulfilled.

 

The next day, as the newspapers were brought to the President for his morning tea in the Presidential Palace Gardens, he noticed to his surprise that large sections of the front pages had been cut out. Irritated, he called for his chief press officer. “What is the meaning of this?”

 

“Meaning of what, your Excellency?”

 

The President raised the paper, so the CPO could see the gaping hole in its front page. “This.”

 

“Oh, that, sir. It must be the printer’s devil.”

 

The President had recently been warned by physician to watch his temper. The pressure of the rupturing nation and the logistics of the referendum were taking their toll on his blood pressure. So, very calmly, he walked into the ante-room to check the papers there. Immediately, he understood why his press team had gone to such snippy lengths.

 

“SCANDAL ENGULFS REFENDUM MACHINE SUPPLIER” screamed the headline. “Ya Allah!” exclaimed the President. A senator from Kogi state had informed the press that the Senate would be investigating the sums repatriated by Mercury Tally Numbers Limited, the supplier, to its home country South Africa.

 

“Foreign businesses cannot just come here and say because they have invested, they can just take out any sums they like. No! I will personally lead a protest into the bank’s server room to block remittances if this is not investigated immediately!” the Senator was quoted as having said. His colleagues in the Senate very shortly afterwards resolved to pass a resolution proscribing the company from operations until the investigation was over. This effectively meant that a new logistics partner had to be found for the referendum.

 

The President sighed and clenched his jaw, tightly. It was time for the gloves to come off.

 

The Chronicles of Chill: Watch the Throne

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The chronology of the Kings of the Kingdom starting with the emancipation of the kingdom from the rule of Jandinia. King Lay Wah was the first to ascend the throne. At the same, there was another who also sitteth with one butt cheek on the throne, and he was called Z. Ki-Way. But then there was the mutiny of the centurions and they put Lay Wah to the sword. King Gwi Yi quelled the rebellion and was king for a short while. But he was also put to the sword and Jackie Wan became King.

 

Jackie Wan reigned for a long, long time, and the great war of Frabiapob took place during his reign. On the other side during the Frabiapobian war was Joo Koo, who declared a break away kingdom of Frabiapob in the south. Jackie Wan was deposed by Tah Lah, who is said to have committed atrocities during the great war of Frabiapob. Tah Lah was also put to the sword and was succeeded by Shegolas of Owurutas. And Shegolas was the last of the first centurions, and he ceded the throne to a civilian known as Shey Hu. The reign of Shey Hu was truncated by Gambrach, who was yet a centurion; a severe man of Gunn. Gambrach was ousted by Gi Dah, who stepped aside, in the wake of the truncated transition to Shimawo Okazaki, for  Kan Sho, a civilian. Kan Sho was ousted very quickly by Bar Chah, who died on the throne and was succeeded by Sah Lam. Sah Lam finally yielded to the civilians and was succeeded by the same Shegolas of Owurutas, who had nearly died in prison at the hand of Bar Chah. Shegolas reigned for two quadrannia and was succeeded by Mah Roo. Mah Roo also died on the throne and was succeeded by Gejoshaphat. Gejoshaphat was succeeded by Gambrach (now of broom, no longer of Gunn) after Gambrach defeated him at electoralis.

 

But let us rewind briefly. Mah Roo reigned for only two years when he was struck by a secret and mysterious ailment. And the courtiers at Bedrock denied that Mah Roo was infirm. Yea, even when he was rushed out to Sah Oud and brought back in the dead of night, it was said that he sniffed the flowers and read the holy script. And Gejoshaphat, who was the King’s Hand, was denied power by the powers that were. But the people marched and cried out for a king and then the senateens succumbed to lex necessitas and proclaimed Gejoshaphat interim king.

 

Whither all this history, thou asketh? Well, these are the chronicles, dammit. And the foregoing chapter of the chronicles told how after the siege of SurroundedbySenegalistan, Gambrach wrote to senatii that he was proceeding on vah catio. In his missive, Gambrach informed the senatii that he would be gone for 10 days during which time, he would take the opportunity to see his meisters for a routine check-up. Perhaps the Many Years disease was afflicting him again, especially will all the shouting and posturing he had just endured at the hand of King Jamming.

 

But then the winds brought back news from Jandinia that Gambrach was gravely ill but his scribes Gar Bar and FemCallamitus denied it, the latter proclaiming that even the Lord rested on the 7th day. The people were not convinced, for they heard not the voice of Gambrach and the malarkey was reminiscent of the last days of Mah Roo, when Shegolas calleth to him across the oceans and enquired, “Mah Roo! Art thou kpeme’d?” To which Mah Roo had replied, “Ah Shegolas, my times are not in my hand. I live, but eyan le ku any fo’cken time!”

 

And the people were restless and unchill blew. Yea, did it blow louder than the Trumpet was blowing itself from the Hill. “Give us our king! Or let us know his fate!” the people cried out. “If he returneth not, how shalt Nono GenGen be made Primus Magistratus?”

 

And Osinoshin addressed the people. “Subjects of Gambrach, I bring ye glad tidings of great joy of Gambrach’s revelment in a state of haleness and heartifulness. I spake with him and yea did we speak of many things, fools and kings, and this he said to me ‘comfort ye my people’. Behold, I send Nono Gengen’s nomination to senatii. See? The throne, like willie, is working.”

 

But the people were unchilled. For even in the midst of the mysterious malady of Mah Roo, they heard his voice. And the people cried out again, “Give us our king, we say!” And then FemCallamitus took centre stage, to respond to the cry of the people, and they groaned, for FemCallamitus was really full of shit.

 

“Oh thou that bringest false tidings of the demise of Gambrach to zion. Thou shouldst be full of shame. For I know that my Gambrach liveth!”

 

“Is that so?” they asked FemCallamitus. “Riddle us this then. How often speakest thou to him?”

 

“Daily, without fail! Well, I speak unto them that surround him and assure me that they speak to him in Jandinia. And verily, I believe them. For I know that they cannot lie.”

 

And the people were sore  unchilled. For they had seen this movie before. Yea, did they believe neither FamCallamitus nor Osinoshin. “Where is our beloved king?” the people demanded yet. But Gambrach’s council was silent. Woo Doo spake not about rice, Mefilius spake neither about the coin, or indeed rice. Shittinski never said much anyway, so twas not a surprise that nowt was heard from him. Lady Kem Shun, me blad, me fam, was jus chilling and being a peng ting innit fam?

 

And there was a brief period of chill, as in the eye of the storm, news reached the people that King Snoop Neffy Neff, former king of Deltonia, champion of the tribe of Gah Ra, was returning from his exile in Jandinia. It was said, but only by malicious, nefarious and dastardly rumour mongers, that Neffy Neff had stolen the coin of the Deltons and tried to hide it in Jandinia. The evil people also said that Neffy Neff had once been a mere stable boy in Jandinia. But the Gah Rans and the Deltons did not give a flying gaddem. He was their champion. He was their kingmaker, even in exile and like the nemesis of John & Sarah Connor, he was back. And yea, did they rejoice at his arrival.

 

Then, behold, word came to the people that Gambrach had written another letter to senatii, to let them know that he needed to prolong his vah catio. “The meisters have required him to ride a cycle as test”, FemCallamitus explained, “for as ye knowest, Many Years afflicted the ears and in the ears is our balance. If Gambrach rideth the cycle in his test and falleth not, then we and ye shall know that he be cool again.”

 

Behold, there was no chill in the land. It was gone. And from the perch of his balcony, above the fray of unchill, Shiwajun looked at it all with a smile on his face. Wahala Morghulis, he thought, as he sipped the wine of seedless grapes from his goblet. And Neffy Neff slapped the goblet out of his hand and the seedless grape wine spilled on the floor. “Look at me. Look at me. As the great prophet Latiffus Kayodensis prophesied, you are not only the one dat dey there! Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!!